The "I'm-Not-A-Crazy-Girl-Anymore" Accountability Thread

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Thanks to all those brave souls who've worked with me through my recent breakup and talked me down when I've gone a little (okay a lot) crazy. This thread is just something I am starting for myself to post my progress in the process of recovering from this detour in my life. I would love for anyone who is so inclined to keep me accountable and offer words of wisdom. For anyone who likes soap opera type reading, here's the backstory:

How can I do better?
Dealing with the end of a relationship?
Forgiveness
Love Hurts!
I want to master my emotions...not the other way around!

My goals are Emotional Mastery, creating goals for the next phase of my life, acting on said goals, not moping around, not analyzing incessantly, eating more healthily, not calling "just to talk" or asking other people about him and taking active steps to improving myself for whatever comes next.

In that spirit. Here's what I did last night:

• Stopped by the store on the way home because I had no groceries at home. I've been eating out and getting a little pudgy.
• Cooked a healthy dinner.
• Washed all the dishes that had been piled up in my sink.
• Cleaned the sink.
• Packed up leftovers from healthy dinner to take to work for a healthy lunch.
• Put away all the clothes that I washed sometime last week that were piled in my room.
• Made a list of what household projects I want to get started on.
• Balanced my checkbook.
• Read one chapter of The Power of Now.
• Went to bed feeling pretty good about my evening.

Now, some of you may be saying, "Uh, most of that stuff is just the daily stuff of life. Big whoop, so you washed your dishes...I do that all the time." And to you I would say, "It's a big deal for me because the last two months I have been going home and watching tv with takeout (and going over and over the last conversation or meeting or lack of one we had) until I get so tired I crash." I would wash a dish when I ran out of clean ones, ditto clothes. So, I am calling it progress.

I did think about him last night. I did get a little sad. This morning I woke up from a dream about him. I won't go into the details, but it got me a little down. So I cried in the shower. Then, I shook it off and got ready for work. The dream had me questioning everything again. So I got myself a mantra: "The past cannot be changed; I may never have the answers or understand what happened. I love him. I want him to be happy. I want myself to be happy. I will focus on now." It's kind of a long clunky mantra, I know. If anyone has any suggestions, I'm open to change.

I'll try not to make every post this long. If anyone catches me whining or mulling in this thread or anywhere else, slap me twice across the face! Thanks for all your support!

Edit: PS I also cleaned out my pantry of a bunch of stuff I don't eat (ex boyfriend food). I packed a bag for him (the stuff I know he'll use) and one for a friend of mine who could use some help.

[absvan]

Me thinks - You are a sweet girl.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Thanks very much.

If anyone has any recommendations of stuff I can be reading or inspiring stories of your own emotional mastery in the face of relationship disaster...I am all ears. Thanks.

[uberinquisitive]

I feel like a broken record, but here goes:

Four months ago, my boyfriend commited suicide. I guess I can call him my fiancé, because we were planning on formally becoming engaged very soon.

We also had a very passionate but dysfunctional relationship, filled with massive trust issues and co-dependency. He was a dry drunk and a narcissist (he never laid a finger on me, let alone raised his voice. Instead, he was emotionally and sexually abusive). He told me if I left him, he wasn't sure if he could continue living. Hours before he killed himself, I broke up with him out of anger. The next day, I called him to apologize. He was already dead.

Today, I am much happier than I've ever been in my life. I'm still sad, and grieving, but I'm also rebuilding my life in the best way possible. I credit 70% of this to EFT (done with a very experienced practitioner). I can't imagine being so well-balanced right now without the EFT.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Uber...I am so sorry to hear your story! I don't even know what to say (I am sure there is nothing suitable). I was probably abused verbally or emotionally if anything. Even though he previously physically abused one of his girlfriends, I was never worried about that. He never came close. I believe my ex is a narcissist as well. I am not even sure he would realize what he did hurt me. He doesn't seem to even be aware of how things really are. I almost don't even want to be angry with him because the truth is his life is going to be harder than mine as long as he behaves this way.

I am glad to hear you are recovering well from this. I wish you all the best in your life to come. You sound like you will do extremely well. Thank you for sharing your story. If you can rise up from this situation for the better, I am sure I will be fine. It really puts things in perspective. I have nothing to feel so sad about...

Update

Last night I went with my cousin to the new Vegetarian restaurant in our city. It was great. Then we watched an episode of the Sopranos. Tony was cheating on his wife and I got a really sick feeling in my stomach. Any time I see or hear about infidelity (even fictional) I get this way. I am trying not to dwell on the details of him being with other girls. It's the hardest part. He doesn't know about the information I have. He hasn't called since Tuesday. Even though some stupid part of me wanted to hear his voice last night despite the nausea I was feeling, I didn't call. I had more dreams about him last night though..is it just because I am thinking about him so much? Can I get my subconscious to stop?

Today I bought myself a laptop. I am really excited about it. It's beautiful.

[uberinquisitive]

For me, the abandonment, the guilt...and low self-esteem were just crushing issues.

I started dating again very quickly...less than 2 months after the incident. I wasn't perfectly ready, but I was ready enough. Waiting too long allows you to wallow in pity. I went on craigslist and put up and ad. I've dated something like 7 guys, including a couple repeats. They've all been really awesome, because I put up an interesting ad, and screened carefully.

Dating is a great excuse to dress really hot and have a guy drool over you. I realized that my boyfriend didn't abandon me because I sucked...after all, there were all these guys wanting to take me out again. Could they be wrong? Plus, I gained like 25lbs after the suicide, and these guys still thought I was hot (when I wasn't at my fighting weight). There is nothing wrong with looking for validation outside yourself, as long as it's not the only way you get it.

[OlderWiser]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

I would wash a dish when I ran out of clean ones, ditto clothes. So, I am calling it progress.

It is progress. I went through a period in my life where I lived like that. One dish at a time...

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

So I got myself a mantra: "The past cannot be changed; I may never have the answers or understand what happened. I love him. I want him to be happy. I want myself to be happy. I will focus on now." It's kind of a long clunky mantra, I know. If anyone has any suggestions, I'm open to change.

One that I use and which helps me is: I forgive you, I forgive myself. I find it very powerful and I feel it has many levels of meaning for being such a simple phrase.

You'll come around. You're taking excellent positive steps. Breaking up is very similar to grieving, has the same steps, even:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

You sometimes end up going back to previous steps, but it sounds like you're moving between depression and acceptance, and that's fantastic. Much luck and love to you. Keep going.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I don't want to write the accountability thread today. I haven't held true to my boundaries...well almost, but not really...actually flat out no. He called me again last night and wanted to see me. I hesitated, but gave in. I told him on the phone how I could only offer friendship - no physical relationship - and he said he just wanted to see me. He said he's been thinking about me nonstop and everything reminds him of me. I know I should have told him no, but I didn't. The truth is I wanted to see him. He ended up staying the night. We didn't have sex, but obviously we slept in the same bed and we nearly did. It was so nice to have his arms around me and have him looking at me that way. We talked a lot. I explained to him what I was feeling. This morning I also told him that I did not believe he had been faithful to me. He kept saying he has not been with anyone else. He didn't get mad like he usually would, he just held onto me really tight. I told him I couldn't do things the way we have been (I know I was saying this while doing exactly what I said I couldn't...the irony is not lost on me...neither is the stupidity). I want to be married and start a family. He said that will come with time. I told him I needed that first, not as some distant goal.

I dropped him off at home so he could get ready for work. He had said he wanted to do something Saturday like a movie or something. He also said he would call me tonight.

So I think I went back a few steps...is there a -5 step in that process?

I know you told me this would happen, Z. I knew it just as well, but I really am not ready to let go. I wanted him to call me, I wanted him to come over and I wanted to fall asleep in his arms. Even though I know that we should not be together and even though I want us to be friends.

I am just feeling lost now. I can't I don't even know what I want to say right now, but I felt it best to spill it. I am here to learn something and work through this stuff. Give me your best shot. I feel like maybe I am a lost cause...I was reading a book called Help I'm in Love With a Narcissist when he called and I was crying and I still let him come over!

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

So I think I went back a few steps...is there a -5 step in that process?

I know you told me this would happen, Z. I knew it just as well, but I really am not ready to let go. I wanted him to call me, I wanted him to come over and I wanted to fall asleep in his arms. Even though I know that we should not be together and even though I want us to be friends.

I am just feeling lost now. I can't I don't even know what I want to say right now, but I felt it best to spill it. I am here to learn something and work through this stuff. Give me your best shot. I feel like maybe I am a lost cause...I was reading a book called Help I'm in Love With a Narcissist when he called and I was crying and I still let him come over!

You know what Aspiring, maybe you need to see this through to its logical end. If you really want to be with him, don't fight it. You're obviously not ready to let go and that's okay.

I have to tell you about a friend of mine and what it took to for her to find "closure". She kept getting back with this guy (a narcissist) even though he ripped her off for several thousand dollars, cheated on her, disrespected her and all around treated her shabbily. She said she couldn't help herself and kept getting back with him because she "loved" him.

After going back to him at least 3 more times, the last time he again ripped her off for $5,000. He "borrowed" it but refused to pay her back. She also found out he was cheating on her with 2 other women.
Finally she gave him the boot and you know what he told her? He said "I know I can have you back any time I want".
What an insult!

Hopefully this final time cured her, but it took her that many times to "get it".

The moral of the story is that we want to believe in the best in people and give them the benefit of the doubt, but at the same time we can't allow ourselves to be doormats.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by ZHereford

Finally she gave him the boot and you know what he told her? He said "I know I can have you back any time I want".
What an insult!

Hopefully this final time cured her, but it took her that many times to "get it".

The moral of the story is that we want to believe in the best in people and give them the benefit of the doubt, but at the same time we can't allow ourselves to be doormats.

Ouch. I think that would do it. Everything he says to me is so sweet and I just so want to believe it. I have never caught him cheating or had any real proof. I just feel like he's lying to me. I don't know what more it should take. I don't want to have to be hit over the head...I mean none of what has happened is subtle, but for some reason it's still not enough to put me off completely.

I really do want to believe the best in him. I really don't want to be a doormat. I guess he's a little smarter than that guy was because at least he doesn't say stuff like that. Part of me just wants to give in and go with it and the other wants the truth and boundaries. The sides are fighting inside of me right now. I don't think he's ever going to tell me the truth, but I can't point to any evidence of anything that's happened. I think that's why I am able to justify hanging on. If I caught him with someone else, I don't think there would be a question, but enough has happened to say it's not right...I don't know what more I need.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Ack. He just called me to see how my day was going. Of course he said last night was the best night sleep he's had in a long time. I know why it's so hard...it feels like it did when we first got together, before things got out of hand, before all the fighting and before the suspicion. I don't know, I may be headed back into this. It's like I have a split personality disorder!

[Angela]

Originally Posted by ZHereford

Finally she gave him the boot and you know what he told her? He said "I know I can have you back any time I want".
What an insult!

Unfortunately that is not so much an insult as an observation of fact. Like a cat with a mouse, the narcissist will torture its prey till it dies. Then he'll find another mouse.

Here's the good news: a woman is not a mouse.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Angela

Unfortunately that is not so much an insult as an observation of fact. Like a cat with a mouse, the narcissist will torture its prey till it dies. Then he'll find another mouse.

Here's the good news: a woman is not a mouse.

So the good news is that I'll live?