The "I'm-Not-A-Crazy-Girl-Anymore" Accountability Thread

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

No, no, I didn't mean so I could suggest things for him to do. More like I just need to know what's a reasonable expectation. Thanks for your suggestions. I really can't see him thinking of any of those on his own...

The way he has reacted to everything (me telling him I don't trust him, refusing to have sex*) without anger is a big change, but I don't know how permanent.



*He would never force me, but he would get pouty, if that's the right word. I would be able to tell he was upset. This time was different.

[ZHereford]

Hi Aspiring,
How's it going? Any new developments?

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Hey, Z. Thanks for checking in on me.

Well, I wasn't sure what to post that's why I haven't. We've been spending a great deal of time together over the past few days. He has been calling when he says he will. He's been talking a lot about getting stuff straight in his life. I can see the old along with some new.

As for the issue of infidelity, I confronted him on it and he got very angry. He continues to say he was never unfaithful. We were in the car when we were talking and he got out and went inside upset. Normally in a situation like this it would be days before I heard from him again (because I "made him mad") but this time it wasn't more than a few hours later that he showed up at my house. The power was out at his house so he couldn't call. He said he's realized that getting angry isn't constructive. So I asked him what would be and he said trying to work it out. This is a complete about face. I am really not sure what to make of it.

We've had a lot of fun spending time together, so I am reluctant to cut it off. I really like being with him. I don't want to be used or lied to, but I am still not sure exactly what's happening. I have made some progress recently in myself. I am able to short circuit my out of control thoughts and be at peace (less braak, brraaaaak, braaaaaaaak - *nods in Angela's direction*). It's another strange feeling. Normally I would sort of spiral out of control with what-ifs and drama. I feel more centered right now. I feel that I am taking things as they come and can observe what's happening without becoming too attached to the outcome.

Right now, I think what I am doing is enjoying spending time with someone I enjoy spending time with. I am not sure about what he's really doing. All his words are positive and he's being really nice, but I know that can all be an act. The thing is, when he doesn't do something that I want, I no longer get panicky and wonder what it means. I can't explain any of this well. I wish I could make it more clear!

I am not sure what is next. I still look forward to a future with marriage and children, but I no longer have a picture in my head of who with or when or how. I have sort of drawn a line in the sand in my head as to what I will take. So far he's stayed safely behind the line. I feel like now, if he were to cross it, I would know that I would be just fine letting him go. That in and of itself feels like a big step to me despite the fact that I am still holding on. I have taken steps to protect my health (safe sex stuff which for some reason I didn't make a priority before). I am letting him show me I can count on him to do what he says (so far he's called every time he said he would). He is the one saying "hey, let's do something on Saturday." Then, when I say, "didn't you have that bar-b-que at your friend's house?" he says, "I want to spend some time with you instead."

So, after all that, the short answer is I DON'T KNOW, but I've felt good about the time we do spend together and just fine when we're apart.

[Angela]

sounds like a pretty happy .... eventuality ... to me! Good going, aspiring!

[ZHereford]

Well, Aspiring it sounds good.
What is also good is that you are working on yourself and your reactions and you're taking it slowly. Nothing wrong with that!
Enjoy life and the moment! Carpe diem!

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Thanks you two. I want you to know you have been an enormous help to me, even in those moments where you felt you were talking to a brick wall. My sincere gratitude for your time and encouragement!

Like I said, I don't know what will come of all of this, but I am having fun right now. It's also been my experience over the past few days that when I start to get riled up about something and instead choose to let it go, I end up getting what I wanted...and more. That works for me.

I also know that he can't hurt me anymore. Even if he does something that would have crushed me in the past, it will have no power over me. That's a great feeling. I will surely be disappointed if things go sour, but I will not be brought down. I am also learning how to let go of needing approval from others outside of myself. It's not their life, it's mine. I am the only one to answer to for it. This is a kind of freedom I didn't know I could acheive.

I am taking things slowly in the sense that I base each next move on the current situation, not on some questions from the past or some unknown future. Doing the "next best thing" as I've heard it said. Take the next right step...anyone know where this comes from?

I think he can feel the peace I am living in right now. The other day he said I have a calming effect on him...that he feels so at ease around me and can't explain it. I know I can't fix whatever he needs fixed, but I am glad he can see there's a way to be at peace. Maybe with time I can show him some of the things I am learning and see if he can put them to use.

[ZHereford]

Wow, Aspiring! Lessons learned! That's great. You have the right attitude, so whatever happens, happens.
All the best!

[medaille]

I'm assuming that you are going to ride this out. I'm not convinced it will end successfully, but I think you will handle it well.

Some advice that has served me well. Don't listen to words, listen to their actions.

If he's going to be in your life, he needs to be making progress in becoming the man that you will need him to be. Ask him where he wants to go in life and how he wants to improve himself. Ask to see his plan for accomplishing his goals. Hold him accountable to make progress.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Thanks medaille. We actually had a conversation like this today. He will make a plan, but not always follow through. I let him know that if he can't keep his committments I will start being busy whenever he does call. Maybe I shouldn't have put it like that, but I am not sure. He insists that he really wants to be with me and that I take things the wrong way. Sometimes I start to believe that, but then I remind myself that there are people who just always do what they say...or if they don't they make sure to call and let you know what's going on. If he can't do that, I will have to end this for real. It's really hard though because I don't want to. But I don't want to spend the next however long waiting around for him either. I think his main problem is he's young. He's not ready to settle down as much as I want to, but he knows what a catch I am.

You know that saying or whatever that says you teach people how to treat you? Well, I am trying to figure out how to teach him to treat me the way I want to be treated. I don't want to play games. So should I just keep really busy so I am not always available when he is ready to see me? I am a tough case, huh? I really wish I had done all this dating learning when I was younger. Now, I am ready to get married and start a family and I'm on my first boyfriend...it's not been easy. But I think I am learning.

[Angela]

Dtmfa!!!!!!

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I know you are right. So why is it so hard for me to just do it?

He just called me right now from work. He hurt himself the other day and today was his first day back. He said he's in a lot of pain, etc. Last night I dropped him off at home (he had stayed over and we spent the day together) and he kept calling me. He and his friend ended up coming over with some food and he cooked for me (well, for all of us). We were watching the game, his friend got some phone calls or text messages, I'm not sure. Then they went outside to smoke a cigarette and when they came back in he said they were going home. But I don't think that's what happened.

Also, he made plans with me for Friday, but just now when he called he said his friend's birthday is on Friday. I didn't really say anything (I didn't want to get into it because I'm at work), but I am sure he's going to go with his friend. It's not that I even blame him. I mean I wouldn't blow off my friends for him, but he shouldn't have made plans. I am sure he forgot that was his friends birthday, but I am also sure there are plenty of guys out there who remember these kinds of things. I guess that's plenty of evidence, huh. Would anyone like to volunteer to hit me over the head with a hardback copy of "He's Just Not That Into You"?

[madgeylou]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

I know you are right. So why is it so hard for me to just do it?

{snip}

I guess that's plenty of evidence, huh. Would anyone like to volunteer to hit me over the head with a hardback copy of "He's Just Not That Into You"?

it's hard because not only do you care for him and want to spend time with him, you are also probably afraid of what kind of person you will be without him. does dumping him make you a heartless ♥♥♥♥♥ in his eyes? a drama queen? high-maintenance? maybe you cant stand being thought of in that way.

but really, what's the worst thing that could happen? he freaks out and calls you a ♥♥♥♥♥, and then you dont see him again? honestly, that might be the *best* thing that could happen. all this waffling around and not being able to make up your mind independently of his just lets him continually draw you back in, then diss you again once he is confident he has you back.

he may not realizing it, but he is toying with you. remember angela's wise words: a woman is not a mouse.

i always wanted things to be nice-nice between me and my ex, never wanted to be the bad one. i thought i would regret it.

but the last time we interacted, he was a dick to me so i went off on him. pissed him right off, and told him to leave me the $@#$# alone.

and he did.

so, maybe a blowout is what you need. just piss him off so much that he leaves you alone.

do you feel angry about the way he's treated you? or do you just feel hurt? if there's a spark of anger, fan it into a flame and use it to burn this bridge. sounds like there's only one-way traffic coming across it anyway.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by madgeylou

does dumping him make you a heartless ♥♥♥♥♥ in his eyes? a drama queen? high-maintenance? maybe you cant stand being thought of in that way.

It is troubling to me to think about what he'll think or say about me considering we know a lot of people in common. But it's also a matter of not knowing life any other way for the past year and a half. And being scared of the unknown. It may be painful, but at least it's predictable??? I think for me it really all boils down to fear.

He keeps saying he's really trying. Maybe it is true that this is the best he can do...I mean that to him, maybe he is really trying hard to make it work. I keep acting like his best should be what I want it to be, but maybe it really is all he has to give. I have to decide whether to live with lowered expectations or move on. And there are two sides inside me fighting right now, the one who wants to take status quo to be with him and the one who wants to step away from the disfunctional relationship.

The problem with just burning bridges is that we will inevitably see eachother again, possibly fairly often.

Right now, when I make a choice not to be with him, I waffle and let him back in. And when I make a choice to be with him, I question whether it's right and create all this drama. I know he has a problem, but maybe my problem is me more than him.

[ZHereford]

Hi Aspiring,
It's been a while since we heard from you on your progress (hopefully not lack of) with your boyfriend. Anything new that you're willing to share? If not, that's okay.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Well, the times we spend together are fun. The times when we're apart, I still have a lot of trouble with trust and insecurity compounded by him being very busy at work and really tired after (not much together time last week). I know I've been going in circles. I am still trying to make a firm decision. But I think that I am leaning toward cutting off the relationship part. I would like to maintain a friendship, perhaps after a bit of time apart. It's hard because I am worried that if I change things now, I will lose him completely. But I am also worried that if I don't change things now, we will go on like this forever. It's not ideal, and while nothing ever is, I think it could be better. I am still hoping that one day it works out, but now I am back to thinking that can only happen if we both work separately on ourselves. I am having a hard time figuring out how to have the discussion. I know he's got a great deal on his mind right now and he's not learning all of the things I am. He doesn't have a real support system. So I imagine it will be hard for him and I don't want to hurt him anymore than I want to continue hurting myself.

I appreciate you checking up on me. It's kind of a bunch of things converging at once with this relationship, my grandmother, my hatred for my job and general questions about life. It helps to have some good people to work through things with me. I can see that something big is coming up, but I just can't see how it will all come together.

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

It's kind of a bunch of things converging at once with this relationship, my grandmother, my hatred for my job and general questions about life. It helps to have some good people to work through things with me. I can see that something big is coming up, but I just can't see how it will all come together.

There is no doubt you have a full plate!
I think it's a good idea to not rush into anything at this point. When the right time comes to take action, you will know it. To try and force any issue will ultimately backfire so you're doing the right thing.
Keep the faith and thanks for the update!