I want to master my emotions...not the other way around!

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Okay. The Emotional Mastery section of the forum has the subtitle:

Emotional intelligence, addiction and recovery, grieving, loss, fear, anger, guilt, resentment, frustration, anxiety, depression, happiness, joy, love, kindness, forgiveness, self-acceptance, confidence, escaping the pit of despair, EFT

Right now I feel like I am facing all of this and more. As some of you may have read, I have been going through a breakup. Mentally, I have come to some really strong conclusions about what is right for me at this time and what I need to do. However, emotionally and physically I still feel drained and plagued by questions. I still catch myself trying to figure out what went wrong (which logically I know won't change anything). I still feel like I want something from my ex...like I don't have closure, things seem unfinished. I still worry about what he's thinking or what he's saying about me. I wonder if I will ever find out the truth and if we'll be able to be friends.

I know, know, know that none of this is productive...in fact, it's detrimental (I am feeling physically sick from all the worrying...nauseous - I've actually vomited several times over the course of the past couple of months since the split). I've tried just noticing when I am thinking these things and redirecting my thoughts. I've tried to notice where the emotion "feels" in my body. I've probably bugged you sweet people so much you are sick of me. Some days I feel really strong and others it's a struggle to get myself to do anything...I just cry or don't do much of anything. I have to talk myself out of calling him or asking his mom about him (sometimes I'm not so successful). It's as if there is a physical component, like a drug addiction...I feel physically weird (sorry I can't think of a better word right now) without him around. I guess maybe this is what people go through in this situation, but he's the first person I've ever been with so it's all so strange to me. Maybe just the abrupt uncertain ending and now the dragging out of the whole thing is what's making it hard.

I've started thinking about some goals and some characteristics I want in a partner. Daydreaming a little has helped some. I am starting to think about what life I can have instead of thinking about the life I no longer have.

I know it's another long post. And I am probably rehashing things I've already done, but I want to get out of this despair. Maybe it'll just take a few more times of hearing the same stuff from everybody for it to click .

Thanks to anyone who takes the time to respond. Today is one of the hard days and I think I just need some encouragement.

[Akashic_Librarian]

Ok so I am 16. Take my advice or don't. I know alot of people argue that at 16 I have no emotional experience and I don't. But I have understand, perhaps it is not understanding brought forth from experience, but it is understand and I don't know if you can feel this but I am radiating love to you so much it hurts me, and I know it may never reach you.

Here is what I think, from a male (mine) perspective then I would say occupy the mind with anything you possibly can, watch tv, read, go to the gym, join a club, get a PS3 or PS2 or Xbox ad buy a couple of games (Long ones) and just go nuts with them for a few days....

Do whatever you can to just zone out of reality, then the pain starts to go away.

Like I said, take it or leave it

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

And I am probably rehashing things I've already done, but I want to get out of this despair. Maybe it'll just take a few more times of hearing the same stuff from everybody for it to click

What is the despair you are feeling?

Failure of a relationship, not getting what you want, loneliness, loss of a friend, feeling insecure, all of the above?

It takes time for emotion to catch up with reason and what you know intellectually (i.e. that someone is not right for you so you need to move on).
As you progress and mature in life you become more comfortable with yourself and balancing your emotions.

Ultimately you can't ask from someone else what you are not willing to give yourself. If you want love, respect, freedom, recognition or anything else, work on getting it from yourself first.
How? Take care of yourself, practice emotional discipline, meet and take interest in new people, travel.
Strive to be the best "you" that you can. Be your own best friend. You'll enjoy your own company so much that anything else will be icing on the cake.

[Angela]

Darling, you are going to get through this, and be better for it, don't worry. I know it's hard. You ARE mastering your emotions, right now, just by being present to them.

Do you have a Designated Dialee? A girlfriend who will welcome your call, so you can call her instead of Mr. Meathead when you're in the grips? Very important -- like having gum around when you're giving up cigarettes.

How about that Akashic Librarian? Is he a sweetheart, or what? We're all pulling for you, my dear.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Akashic_Librarian

I don't know if you can feel this but I am radiating love to you so much it hurts me

Well, actually, I think I can and I appreciate it more than you know.

And your advice is great. Thanks.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by ZHereford

What is the despair you are feeling?

Failure of a relationship, not getting what you want, loneliness, loss of a friend, feeling insecure, all of the above?

It takes time for emotion to catch up with reason and what you know intellectually (i.e. that someone is not right for you so you need to move on).
As you progress and mature in life you become more comfortable with yourself and balancing your emotions.

Ultimately you can't ask from someone else what you are not willing to give yourself. If you want love, respect, freedom, recognition or anything else, work on getting it from yourself first.
How? Take care of yourself, practice emotional discipline, meet and take interest in new people, travel.
Strive to be the best "you" that you can. Be your own best friend. You'll enjoy your own company so much that anything else will be icing on the cake.

All of the above. I feel like I have failed to make it work. I miss him physically and as someone to laugh and talk with (we would just lay in bed a lot lauging and talking about important stuff and nothing in particular). I am feeling insecure, compounded by him being with someone else while we were together...like I was not enough or was lacking something.

I guess really I am not loving myself right now. I find myself lacking and don't blame him for being done with me...

[Angela]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

I find myself lacking and don't blame him for being done with me...

ooops I'm not letting you get away with that one!! I believe you promised you would not do the blame and shame thing -- that's an action, not an emotion.

Would you like to try that again?

[Alchemiss]

Sorry you are struggling but glad you are moving forward! Here is a book that helped me a lot. I'd highly recommend Unsent Letters and Dialogue in your situation. Then you can "talk" to your ex, move through some of what you are struggling with and he never has to know about it!

Chapter Excerpt: Journal to the Self by Kathleen Adams

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Angela

Darling, you are going to get through this, and be better for it, don't worry. I know it's hard. You ARE mastering your emotions, right now, just by being present to them.

Do you have a Designated Dialee? A girlfriend who will welcome your call, so you can call her instead of Mr. Meathead when you're in the grips? Very important -- like having gum around when you're giving up cigarettes.

How about that Akashic Librarian? Is he a sweetheart, or what? We're all pulling for you, my dear.

I can call my cousin (she's an inspiration...went through cancer, lost her baby after one month on earth who was delivered early because of it - she's so strong and really that reminds me that I am a badass cus I shaved my head when she was doing chemo) or any of my friends. They are so great they don't even get mad if I just talk about him non-stop (well, at least they haven't yet - I am sure it will get there).

Thanks for the vote of confidence. I just need a little something to get through right now. I know I will be better tomorrow.

Yes, A L is darling. I remember 16 fondly. Actually I think I knew a lot more then than I do now . I never got this worked up over boys .

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Angela

ooops I'm not letting you get away with that one!! I believe you promised you would not do the blame and shame thing -- that's an action, not an emotion.

Would you like to try that again?

Thanks. You are right. But what should I say instead? I guess I was seeing it as a feeling, but I am not sure how to turn it around...

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Alchemiss

Sorry you are struggling but glad you are moving forward! Here is a book that helped me a lot. I'd highly recommend Unsent Letters and Dialogue in your situation. Then you can "talk" to your ex, move through some of what you are struggling with and he never has to know about it!

Chapter Excerpt: Journal to the Self by Kathleen Adams

Thanks for your input. I will look at that book for sure. Reading is the one thing that actually seems to take my mind off of things right now.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

Thanks. You are right. But what should I say instead? I guess I was seeing it as a feeling, but I am not sure how to turn it around...

How about asking your four questions?

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Touche, Angela, touche.

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

All of the above. I feel like I have failed to make it work. I miss him physically and as someone to laugh and talk with (we would just lay in bed a lot lauging and talking about important stuff and nothing in particular). I am feeling insecure, compounded by him being with someone else while we were together...like I was not enough or was lacking something.

I guess really I am not loving myself right now. I find myself lacking and don't blame him for being done with me...

Aspiring, you have to get over the self-pity and self-deprecation and start working on yourself. It takes mental effort and training.
It's never easy, I know, but if you don't do it you'll keep falling into the same emotional traps which you stated you want to master.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Thanks, Z. Not only do I need encouragement I need people reminding me what's what...pushing me and keeping me acountable. For a good part of my life I have been oversensitive. I take things very personally and have a low opinion of myself.

I stop that now.

Maybe in the next few days I will start a progress thread. Just to remind myself of how much I have gained and keep track of what I am working on. Maybe that will help with accountability.

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

Maybe in the next few days I will start a progress thread. Just to remind myself of how much I have gained and keep track of what I am working on. Maybe that will help with accountability.

Good for you! That's a step in the right direction.

Please re-read my page on Love Yourself over, and over and over again until you start feeling it.

[Plato]

Have you considered learning NLP?

NLP is the most direct and practical path to emotional mastery that I have come across.

[Shamou]

I agree with Plato that NLP is excellent... if you wish to read a little more about it click here...

.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Thank you Plato and Shamou. I will definitely look into those.

[Groundless]

Mentally, I have come to some really strong conclusions about what is right for me at this time and what I need to do. However, emotionally and physically I still feel drained and plagued by questions. I still catch myself trying to figure out what went wrong (which logically I know won't change anything). I still feel like I want something from my ex...like I don't have closure, things seem unfinished.

What an opportunity you have! I say this from a true open heart filled with compasison for your pain, your discontent. What do I mean by this is an opportunity?

Pema Chodron in "When things fall apart" in the chapter titled "This very moment is the perfect teacher" wrote:

Generally speaking, we regard discomfort in any form as bad news. But for practitioners or spiritual warriors-people who have a certain hunger to know what is true-feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we are holding back. They teach us to perk up and LEAN IN {my emphasis} (to the pain) when we'd rather collapse and back away. They are like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we're stuck. This very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it's with us wherever we go.

It's as if there is a physical component, like a drug addiction

Exactly.

know it's another long post. And I am probably rehashing things I've already done, but I want to get out of this despair. Maybe it'll just take a few more times of hearing the same stuff from everybody for it to click .

Thanks to anyone who takes the time to respond. Today is one of the hard days and I think I just need some encouragement

You are loved. You are worthy.

It is ok to feel this pain. Lean into it. Then, look within you as to why you are clinging. Look to understand why you thought this relationship was permanent. I will let the cat out of the bag, nothing is permanent. All there is is now.

[Groundless]

To work on releasing your emotions in a healthy (and free) way try this.

Download the free workbook and use it, within 1 week if you use it daily you are likely to expereince some relief.

EFT Provides Impressive Health and Emotional Freedom--New Discovery Often Works Where Nothing Else