If i had the guts, i'd kill myself!!
 

I am a complete and total loser and I've not accomplished one thing in my 38y/o on earth. I had a terrible upbringing and I think my lack of success comes from the tramatic childhood.

I did mange to go to college in spite of dropping out of school in the 8th grade and getting my GED. I have about $45K in student loans that I cannot pay back.


I've always had an issue with being focused. I think all of my tramatic experiences may have something to do with it. I did seek professional help twice and on both occassions, the end results where" I am a normal person", at least that's what the professionals told me.


I don't feel normal, not in the slightest. As a result of me not being focused I job hopped for years. I never knew the things that a lot of people knew. I spent my whole life trying to figure life out. I made mistakes but how lontg do I have to keep paying for them? I admit, I hopped around to so many jobs that it's hard for me to get anything above $8/hr. I was just trying to figure out how to be an adult.

I did not mean any harm by job hopping. I didn't know any better. I lived in shelters, slept in cars and I still manged to not go down the path of crime and drugs. I don't even "drinK".

I know I have made job mistakes and I've baically missed out on life in my 20's and 30's.

I've accomplished nothing. I work as a custodian and it is very painful doing this kind of work when I know deep in my heart I have do a lot of wonderful things. I feel like such a loser.

All of my family has disappeared and both mom and dad aew dead, they did not accomplish much neither. mom died at age 34 as a result of partying too much and dad died at age 60 from cancer. I did not know him.

My sister, well we don't get along. I was not in her life for the majority of my life so we don't have a foundation. I have no friends and my life sucks.

I've never caused hard to anyone. I've always done the right things in life. I did the things they I thougjht where right. I'm paying for them dearly.

I never meant to job hop. I was just trying to do what I thought was right for me. I was trying to figure out life.

I wish I had the guts, I'd kill myself. I hate my life and it's not getting any better.

I'm just tired of living.

If you have experienced lots of trauma then that would definitely effect your ability to focus.

I know this because I have experienced various traumas over the last 15 years, and it has been a tremendous challenge to learn to focus again. I wasn't able to work for a few years, and then when I did start working I wasn't able to focus enough to do the job right, so my co-workers thought I was incompetent and stupid...which isn't the best for a persons self-esteem.

Have you sought counseling for your childhood traumas? There is a website you can visit that is for people who are in recovery from ptsd, which may be relevant to you?

it's www.ptsdforum.org

Try not to be so hard on yourself. This could be a major factor to why your life has never really picked up?

So what if you're a loser? We all are at some stage of life. If you really exam the life of so-called "winners" in society, you might find that the way they treat people would put them in the category of loser, despite being millionaires.

Ditto. Childhood traumas etc. But I heard a statistic that sited about 65% of families are dysfunctional in some way.
Sooner or later we all take stock and move on from the point where we find ourselves. There could be any number of ways for you to go for help. As Luci said counselling is a great start as you get to divest yourself of what lies inside. Meditation, self inquiry even basics like exercise will stimulate change. The trick is to do something.
I don't think it is a matter of courage that you haven't whacked yourself.... heck look at what you've come through .... that takes real guts.
It is that your time is still here.... in this body. So now you have some more work to do ... dig deep and you will find your second wind. Good luck.

What did you study in school? What do you want to do?

What does a custodian do?

Look into some of the effects of growing up in a dysfunctional home. I was actually really relieved when I found out that my patterns of behaviour (including underachieving, amongst many, many others) were not only normal, but pretty typical for someone with that background. Once I learned that, it was easier to take the next steps forward toward healing.

Eventually, I broke out of the learned helplessness and then the victim mentality which had me in its grip most of my life, and since doing that, my life has been stunningly different. It's been improving for many years, but kicking the victim mentality out the door was a huge turning point.

You may need to do some work to get there. Counselling can help, or self-help books on recovering from post traumatic stress disorder or dysfunctional families, etc. It can be done, and I know because I did it, and I was once profoundly depressed and definitely suicidal (actually, at my lowest point, I was contemplating murder suicide, that's how bad off I was).

It can get better, if you want it to.

Hi

You've not exactly had good role models to learn from have you? It seems you've had to do it all on your own with no loving support and guidance, which is tough going, especially for someone so young with no benchmarks behind them. I would say you've done pretty darn well considering all things...a lot would have given up by now and gone the easy road to destruction.

Given all this, I'd hazard a guess that you have strength of will, a good heart and head and a desire to keep battling the odds. I imagine it would wear you down after a time. Shame you cannot hook up with a mentor. Someone willing to take you under his wing and play that steady guiding role in your life. That makes all the difference to seeing life from a different view.

Coming here and speaking out is the first step to reaching out for a supportive family...even if they are cyber. People DO care. Sorry I can't offer any suggestions, living in Oz. Good luck :)

I hear you. My parents were each married three times, my mom an alcoholic who eventually killed herself, and I've got no relationships with my immediate or extended family.

And at 12 years old, I remember thinking, "there's a reason for everything and I'm going to find that reason!" And I did, at age 44.

And like you, I've been tired of living. Either when life was confusing or when these hard heads around me can't seem to see how lost they are in their confusion and want to crucify me.

I hear you loud and clear.

As I read your message, I see your intelligence. That you can articulate it so well shows that you're a watcher of life.

You're thinking all the time about this, trying to crack this nut, right?

The problem is that your mind can't see the true problem. It's not your past, it's not your future that is the problem. The problem is the mind is given a job that it can't handle.

Think about anytime that you had clarity in your life...didn't it feel good? Maybe you were talking to an attractive lady that really made you melt. You forgot all about your troubles. Right there is the truth about happiness. When your mind is at rest, life is good. The hottie isn't the happiness, but is a trigger for your mind to rest, but the simple mind doesn't see this and logically thinks she is the secret, so off you go trying to possess her.

If the mind is thinking about happiness, it will never find it. We only think about what we don't know, what we are confused about. So know that whatever you think about happiness is only an idea and not true. And if you can see that you have a happy moment when that incessant mind is relaxed then the pursuit of happiness is realized to be the source of your misery. There's no relaxation in the pursuit.

When I found out how I was misusing my mind, I found my happiness. When I stopped comparing myself to any kind of standard, I stopped feeling disappointed in myself for not meeting it.

This is my personal story of "confusion to clarity" that resulted for the first time in my life total acceptance and love for self. I know longer have any need whatsoever for any kind of self image or self esteem. I see my gifts and my limits and I'm evolving my life to remain within my capabilities. I no longer pursue happiness because I am happy.:):) ADHD Self Help - A Story of Healing - Profound-Self-Help.com

I know from my journey that you're at your rock bottom. Your logic has failed you and you don't know that life is not logic and not logical. I'm glad that you don't have the "courage" to kill yourself because courage isn't needed for that. It's needed to face your fears and live! Dying is easy, living is hard!

Sincerely, this is a perfect place to be right now. You're open minded and seeking truth. Welcome to the club! There's a lot of people here that have already hit the pit and woke up to this life.

Please keep expressing yourself!:)

I studied Finance. I wanted to work on mergers and acquisitions. Although I have not been able to find work in the field, I am very astute and will one day buy my own business. It just does not seem like I can get any traction to get things going. I'm totally worn out mentally.

I clean dirty bathrooms, empty garbage. Basically, I clean up after messy adults in a office building.

Another name would be Janitor.

I can't really comment on the trauma thing.

I did pick up on a lot of guilt in your post; it almost seems like you think you deserve this despair and desolation in life because you made mistakes. Making mistakes can set us back in life, yes, but no one deserves to be punished/self-punished to the point where they no longer want to live. Sometimes, the only thing that keeps me going is clinging onto a state of mind that makes me truly happy in life unconditionally. I don't need to prove anything to anyone or to my self for the right to be happy or to be worth while.

I know that is easier said than done though. I was contemplating what it would take simply to choose to be happy as a state of being and there are mental barriers. I, for example, seem to think that I need to 'earn' the right to be happy; that if I choose happiness of a state of being without merit, it is some how 'wrong'. Is this actually true though? Or is it just a limiting belief?

Everyone has the potential to set their life back on track regardless of the mistakes they make in life. They just have to find and nurture the will. What I get from your post is not so much that you lack the means to set your life back on track, but rather, you lack the will. Perhaps because you and other people have been kicking your self-esteem around like a hurt little puppy all your life.

It sounds sort of trite to say, 'stop being so hard on your self', but I think it has some value. You are talking about death. Absolute nothingness (if you are an atheist). If someone is going to decide to kill them selves, I think they could try shedding all the complete BS they are told in life by society (i.e you are a loser, you are worthless, you'll never be good enough) and try giving them selves the permission to feel good unconditionally before that decision is made. Everyone else can go ♥♥♥♥ them selves for the time being. What is important right now is for you to kindle a desire to live.

Baby your self. Pamper your self. Forgive your self and love your self unconditionally.

If you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid. ~ Albert Einstein

Do you spend a lot of time mentally criticizing your self and blaming your self for mistakes? I know from personal experience that this can make you feel completely worn out mentally and emotionally. It also influences your ability to perform in your environment. Just today, I was thinking about how my mood can completely alter the way I relate and perform in my environment even though nothing has really changed from one mood to the other. It is more or less the same environment. There is a huge difference.

Your life isn't so bad.

I've seen worse, many times. Where? Well, I used to work in the criminal legal system. I would get all these police files. All kinds of criminals and accused persons.

Some of them - not all - come from very sorry backgrounds. I see the probation reports, the psychologist reports, the police statements, the case history, the occasional letter of plea from their ex-school principal or counselor, stuff like that. So I know the background.

Your life is difficult. But it doesn't strike me as overwhelmingly difficult. It really doesn't. Many people have come back from worse, and built a better life for themselves.

You can too. It won't happen overnight. But it can happen.

Funny thing about being all alone in the world is that it gives you a kind of freedom too. Strange, isn't it. Of course, overall, in general, I think it's better to have family and friends. But still, not having a family comes with certain advantages. You don't have the burden of having to provide for kids, or live up to Daddy's expectations, or be restrained by other family members' opinions as to anything you want to do.

I knew an ex-janitor. Today he runs a building management company. He employs many workers and they provide cleaning, maintenance, security and gardening/landscaping services at various commercial buildings and condominiums (including the one where I used to live). He doesn't look poor to me.

A custodian takes care of things. A custodian looks after things that other people do not take care of. He cleans up other people's messes. He keeps watch. Another name would be Guardian.

MyLifeSucks, in the very first line of your post, you said something that wasn't true. You said:

But right after that, you tell us you have, in fact, done many admirable things in spite of very difficult circumstances.

You went to college.

You recognised when you were struggling, and sought help - and were assured that you were more capable than you believed.

You were able to secure many different jobs, even if you didn't find they fulfilled you.

You maintained your ethical integrity and looked after yourself.

You held onto your dreams. You did not consign them to the past, but kept a place for them in your future.

What are those things? Please - tell us. Give some voice to them. Honour them by believing in them enough to share them with other people who just might be able to help you with them.

You are a custodian in your job, but don't forget that you are a custodian of yourself and you are a custodian of your dreams, too. That is why you are still hanging in here despite all the things you have endured. That's why you posted here. You're reaching out, and when you reach out, you give other people the chance to help you. You create possibility.

Keep taking care of yourself, MyLifeSucks. Keep cleaning up those messes other people created, and keep looking after the things other people don't look after. You are a unique and precious individual. Nobody has the same dreams as you, and only you can achieve them. But you can tell us how we can help.

You also have a degree in finance.

Tip for you. Try it - it can't hurt.

Talk to people in the office building. Smile, say hello. Chit chat a bit when you see them in the bathroom or along the corridors.

As you get to know them better, let it slip that you have a degree in finance. It could lead to a job. You won't be CFO tomorrow, it would be something you're still greatly over-qualified for. But you could like it a lot better than being a janitor.

This is a very insightful post! Can you explain this part a bit further on gaining clarity:

"Think about anytime that you had clarity in your life...didn't it feel good? Maybe you were talking to an attractive lady that really made you melt. You forgot all about your troubles. Right there is the truth about happiness. When your mind is at rest, life is good. The hottie isn't the happiness, but is a trigger for your mind to rest, but the simple mind doesn't see this and logically thinks she is the secret, so off you go trying to possess her."

How could someone achieve this level of clarity or feeling good without the "attractive lady" standing in front of you?

(I think I just answered my own question after having re-read this a few times, but I would still like to know your answer)

This is the attitude I have had to embrace to survive...and I've even cut most of my family out of my life because they jeopardize my survival at this time. I am just now starting to 'kindle the desire to live' again...and it feels wonderful. It's worth hanging in for.

And yes, spoiling yourself helps a lot.:)

So true.

I have chosen at times in my life to go without friends...for this reason, and so I could work towards my goals without distraction. There is a certain freedom that comes with not having to live up to anyone elses expectations, and parents can put a lot of pressure on their kids to be what they want them to be, instead of allowing them to work it out themselves what the person wants to do with their lives...so yes, it's not all bad...in fact, it can be very good with the right attitude.

There are loads of stories like this out there. I once helped work on a pond that belonged to a very rich man who owned a building company in Sydney, and he started off as a taxi driver.

It's inspiring.

Yah, it is a good coping strategy for when you are feeling really desperate. Just to clarify though, MyLifeSucks, I wasn't suggesting that you should literally isolate your self. I think you understand the importance of reaching out to others as you wouldn't have bothered coming here to begin with.

I was suggesting that you ought to give your self some peace and breathing space by detaching your self from societal messages that tell us that happiness and self worth are conditional. In some cases, that may involve removing our selves from toxic people (even family), but it sounds like you have internalized some really negative beliefs that you use to relentless criticize your self. I guess, in a way, I'm suggesting that you ought to deliberately distance your self from a part of your self (if that makes sense). That part of your self that thinks that it needs to criticize and judge every decision that you have made relentlessly.

People become addicted to anything that can trigger the mind to relax (or numbed). Hotties, alcohol, drugs, sex, hopes, dreams, ideas of salvation, etc..., are artificial ways we try to get what we don't know how to "live".

The mind remembers the "happy" moment and logically "determines" that whatever we did is happiness. But if the mind even knew what happiness really is, it wouldn't have to pursue it, we would simply "be" it. And that's the nuance. Happiness is in "be-ing", not in "do-ing". Doing something can trigger the mind to rest (or be numbed) and the result of a quiet mind is happiness (really I should be saying joy).

We have an energy for life making us automatically life positive. We have a creative push inside us and we ourselves were created (conception, birth, life then death). Most of the physical life we have is automatic...who really does much about their bodies....with all the life functions happening behind the scenes, it's apparent most of it happens on its own. Life is life positive including human beigns.

The mind only thinks about what it doesn't know. It creates ideas to try. But unaware of this fact about the mind, and because culture is mental, we think that what we think is truth then try to make those thoughts fact and they aren't.

So when the guy thinks the hottie is his happiness, he tries to possess her and guess what? She hates being smothered or maybe she doesn't like the guy that way. Of course, he wants sex because a hottie that relaxes his mind plus sex that relaxes mind is a huge synergy, a huge drug. The mind has the IDEA that this is THE ultimate happiness and is greedy to get it. The mind is greed, it's function is to greedily help us solve our problems. It's tenacious.

But unaware, that greed is a poison to love, to human dignity, etc... So the guy starts to stalk the hottie. This is sexual harrassment.

To see that the mind creates ideas to test and not to impose is a way out of the mind running and ruining your life. It restores the mind to being a servant and not the master.

To realize that joy in life is way beyond the scope of the mind, that the mind is a witness to the world through the five senses and which of the five senses is the joy detector? It ain't there! The mind is asked to do a job it can't handle and it's greedy taking us on the wrong path time and time again.

Once all the happy ideas have been tried and still the person is unhappy, then all that is left is to kill oneself or to stop trusting one's logic and reach out for help. This is the ego collapse. The ego is really the mind thinking that it knows when all it really does is think about what it doesn't know. When you know longer trust your thinking, then you become open minded to suggestions from other sources.

Too often those other sources are simply a new belief system to replace your old collapsed belief systems. Initially, there's an infatuation that is drug like and joy is restored! Infatuation is a drug!! Then reality bursts that bubble, unhappiness happens again, and back into a pit of depression as that belief system collapse.

It is nearly non-existent in culture and religion to actually be exposed to real perspective that leads to real clarity that never goes away. That's what we need but where to find it. For me, reading Osho has been my "salvation", not as a drug but finally I got the perspective I needed to transform from confusion to clarity.

The turning point for me was to see the process of the mind and to no longer empower it beyond it's intended purpose. Now my mind is my servant and my heart is my master. And for the first time in my life I could see the beauty of it, I could love myself, and all my judgment of others dropped, replaced with compassion. I see that confusion is such a parasite on our energy and being so much in the greedy mind is our self-absorption.

With clarity, that energy is self-absorbed but now free to share. That sharing is love.

I read your post and come away not thinking 'wow, what a loser' but instead, "wow, what an amazingly tenacious, strong person."

The fact that you can say both of these things;

....Demonstrates just how much of a 'winner' you actually are.;) Your statements here truly do speak volumes.

The majority, under similar circumstances, would have succumbed to what would have appeared to be the path of least resistance, long ago. You evidently are quite uncommon in your ability to rise above hardship.

My advice is to focus upon these facts as you move forwards...I get the sense that even thought right at this moment things appear dark to you, the very fact that you are reaching out here AND that you yourself can see that despite some very difficult circumstances, you ARE capable of such an uncommon strength and mental fortitude, you are actually at a place where you're poised to break free from that darkness.

I was very moved by your post...... I wish you all the best.:)

The first step in getting better is to realize that your family isn't forcing you to make the choices that you've been making in life; you're making those on your own.

Because if your unhappiness in life is all your families doing, you're finished, since you don't have any control over what they choose to do, or what they did in the past. But if you realize that you're in control of the choices you make now, then you'll understand the truth: that you have the power to change your choices in life.

Make a new beginning for your life, from which point you intend to make better choices from now on. Start very small, with something as simple as making a pot of coffee or preparing a meal: stay focused through the whole experience, and finish it all the way to completion in steps. Focus on each step. If you get something wrong, don't get angry or beat yourself up over it; just go back over that step again and again until it's completed.

Make a habit of doing this with everything. Don't just do whatever, in however way you feel like doing it. Be definite and decisive with everything you do and think, even about brushing your teeth. Make every action a deliberate and calculated event.

When you accomplish small things that took several steps to do, congratulate and praise yourself for sticking with a plan and seeing it through. Realize that even the largest accomplishments ever done by anyone is done in exactly this way - one deliberate calculated step at a time. If you can teach yourself to live according to this pattern, you will have given yourself one of the most powerful tools for having a very fulfilling life, because you now have the power to work through a plan, to completion.

The next skill you'll need to learn is how to plan, and how to stick to a plan and resist the temptation to bail out of it for the wrong reasons. You'll need to clearly see the difference between changing your plan for a strategic reason, and changing your plan just because you don't feel like doing that anymore or because you're board, or afraid.

It's really this simple. You can choose to complicate your situation with all kinds of dramatic things, about the people who mistreated you, and turn your situation into a puzzle so complex that not even you, or the best behavioral analyst could unravel it. Or you could just forget all that - does it really matter how you got where you are today? It's better and much simpler to just fix it.

Ron,
Thanks so much for that insightful post, not to mention the great advice in it too! I do agree with everything you said, and anyone else reading this post should see the "ring" of truth in it. Your post reminded me of what I already knew (hey, that sounds like gaining clairty!), but I needed to see it one more time to have it really brought home, so to speak.

So thanks again, I can rest easy now with your help!

Thanks! Trust in life, not in logic......:)

great quote
 

great quote! - so true - and so great to see how supportive everyone is - i can't think of any advice to add just try to focus on the positive and keep your head up! put up images of anything that makes you happy - images from favorite movies, favorite musicians, anyone or anything inspirational - you can print these out at a library for pretty cheap!- make a list of favorite things like foods, scents (maybe get a new cologne or aromatherapy - one you can afford) - treat yourself once a week to your favorite food - maybe get a small plant - one that is easy to take care of - or a small pet - like a fish - easy to take care of - (go easy on yourself if something happens to the plant or fish, sometimes that happens, you can always get another) -

these are things i've been doing for myself and they are working - i have images up that i printed out online from a bunch of my favorite movies - i printed some in black and white and some in color, and i made a cool collage and framed it with a really inexpensive frame from big lots - just something to remind me every single day that there are awesome movies and great actors in this world - that cool things do exist - and i play my favorite music every day - eventually you start realizing new reasons why you like the things you do - for example one of my favorite movies is reality bites - and the reason is it's because a bunch of people who are laid back, easy going - but having a very difficult time in life because of circumstances and other people who are bullying them - it's also about people overcoming their fears and going for things that make them happy in life - and even at the end they all stay very laid back casual - good people who have goals and work ethics - but they just have kickass personalities - great senses of humor - they all help each other out - and of course they threw true love in there haha :)

so keep your head up! put up visual reminders of positive things - your favorite things that you have found going along life - the things that when you hear them metioned you go - oh my gosh that's my favorite movie! or that's the best band ever! etc - eventually you might find those people become your role models too! they might give you more help to find your way along your path :)

LOA


/thread

Thanks to all that have replied. Especially you Ron. I appreciate the insight it's great to hear from someone that "gets it" and gets it from expereince.

Thanks to you for sharing! Are you feeling some clarity?:)

What life do you want, exactly?