How to love oneself?

[renew]

I Know this may seem obvious to the masses, but not me. I do not like myself and especially love myself. I wish I could be different. I have no talent; I am slow, uncreative, and boring. I am not trying to gain sympathy or sing a sad song, but this is how I feel. What’s wrong with me? I have tried reading so many self-help books and a myriad of things to learn how to love myself, but I always end up back in the same cycle of depression, misery, and self-loathing.

I know, I know, no one can ever truly love you if you do not love yourself, and I am trying but it is so hard. I want to experience self-love and I want others to love me.

For all you people out there that truly love yourself and are glad to be you, can you please share with me how you do it? I know that question sounds silly, but I am serious. How do you love yourself? How do you find happiness, peace, and joy from being just you?

Thanks for any advice.

[wstein]

MODS double post, delete one of these

Other copy How to love oneself?

[Ronnie Brown]

I could be wrong, but it seems as if you are allowing the way you feel to determine what you believe is true about yourself (i.e., that you're not creative; that you're boring, slow, and lack talent).

Have you ever asked yourself if these things must be true simply because you feel they are? The first key to discovering and accepting your own self-worth is to not allow your feelings (or related negative thoughts) to govern your beliefs about who you are. Easier said than done, I know... trust me, everyone deals with a lack of self-worth and self-respect at some point in their lives, some to a greater degree and intensity than others; however, you CAN find and develop self-respect and realize your own unique value with some help and persistence.

What books have you read? And how long would you say you have been involved/ engaged in conscious personal growth/ self-improvement?

[Pupil]

Originally Posted by Ronnie Brown

I could be wrong, but it seems as if you are allowing the way you feel to determine what you believe is true about yourself (i.e., that you're not creative; that you're boring, slow, and lack talent).

Have you ever asked yourself if these things must be true simply because you feel they are? The first key to discovering and accepting your own self-worth is to not allow your feelings (or related negative thoughts) to govern your beliefs about who you are. Easier said than done, I know... trust me, everyone deals with a lack of self-worth and self-respect at some point in their lives, some to a greater degree and intensity than others; however, you CAN find and develop self-respect and realize your own unique value with some help and persistence.

What books have you read? And how long would you say you have been involved/ engaged in conscious personal growth/ self-improvement?

Thanks for the encouraging words. I have been on this journey for about two years. Some days or better than others, but I still seem to come back to these thoughts about myself and the feelings of feeling hopeless as if I will be this way forever. I have to keep that in mind, I am not these feelings or thoughts. Yes, it is very easy to believe these thoughts when everything you see and all your experiences seem to confirm them as true.

[Ronnie Brown]

I'm just going to be blunt and straight with you. The journey of personal growth is never-ending, and oftentimes, it is up-and-down, back-and-forth, and downright frustrating. You will frequently find yourself having good phases and bad phases; times when you feel worthy, confident, and optimistic, then phases when you feel useless, hopeless, and purely skeptical. You should expect your feelings to ebb and flow with seasons and experiences of life, until you learn to direct them yourself, a skill of wisdom, which generally takes years to develop.

I've been on the journey for conscious spiritual and personal growth for over 13 years and it gets easier as time goes on, so long as you choose to look for the lesson in everything. Note, I said it gets easier, but it never ends. There is always something learn and improve upon.

Just know that your feelings don't create your reality. You do. Your perceptions and evaluations of the world around you, and the subsequent beliefs you develop as a result of those perceptions, create your reality.

What exactly are you seeing and experiencing that seem to confirm negative thoughts, beliefs, and feelings about yourself?

Do you truly believe - from a rational, practical standpoint - that you can't change anything or will never become who you want? Do you honestly believe that you - as the individual you are - do not possess the same potential to change in any substantial way that anyone else possesses? Do you ever have times or phases in your life when you feel the change you desire is at least possible, the slightest bit of optimism or hope?

Generally when people feel hopeless, it's because they need someone to stand up and recognize their potential and capacity to grow and change. Unfortunate as it is, many people have grown up with insufficient love and truth in their lives.

Sometimes we need others to see our self-worth and unique value, and show it to us - by holding a mirror up to our face - before we can finally accept it ourselves.

After all, it can be difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel when our eyes are closed.

Don't give up on yourself. Doesn't matter how hopeless thing feel or seem. Don't base your conclusions about the worth you possess or the value of your life on the way you feel or on how things seem. Base it on what your heart tells you and seek encouragement from others who may have perspectives on your worth and value you don't clearly perceive yourself. This is why we need one another - not a single one of us possesses all we need to fully understand and comprehend this human experience we call life!

[Pupil]

Originally Posted by Ronnie Brown

I'm just going to be blunt and straight with you. The journey of personal growth is never-ending, and oftentimes, it is up-and-down, back-and-forth, and downright frustrating. You will frequently find yourself having good phases and bad phases; times when you feel worthy, confident, and optimistic, then phases when you feel useless, hopeless, and purely skeptical. You should expect your feelings to ebb and flow with seasons and experiences of life, until you learn to direct them yourself, a skill of wisdom, which generally takes years to develop.

I've been on the journey for conscious spiritual and personal growth for over 13 years and it gets easier as time goes on, so long as you choose to look for the lesson in everything. Note, I said it gets easier, but it never ends. There is always something learn and improve upon.

Just know that your feelings don't create your reality. You do. Your perceptions and evaluations of the world around you, and the subsequent beliefs you develop as a result of those perceptions, create your reality.

What exactly are you seeing and experiencing that seem to confirm negative thoughts, beliefs, and feelings about yourself?

Do you truly believe - from a rational, practical standpoint - that you can't change anything or will never become who you want? Do you honestly believe that you - as the individual you are - do not possess the same potential to change in any substantial way that anyone else possesses? Do you ever have times or phases in your life when you feel the change you desire is at least possible, the slightest bit of optimism or hope?

Generally when people feel hopeless, it's because they need someone to stand up and recognize their potential and capacity to grow and change. Unfortunate as it is, many people have grown up with insufficient love and truth in their lives.

Sometimes we need others to see our self-worth and unique value, and show it to us - by holding a mirror up to our face - before we can finally accept it ourselves.

After all, it can be difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel when our eyes are closed.

Don't give up on yourself. Doesn't matter how hopeless thing feel or seem. Don't base your conclusions about the worth you possess or the value of your life on the way you feel or on how things seem. Base it on what your heart tells you and seek encouragement from others who may have perspectives on your worth and value you don't clearly perceive yourself. This is why we need one another - not a single one of us possesses all we need to fully understand and comprehend this human experience we call life!

People tend to confirm these beliefs I have of myself and actually I honestly believe these beliefs stem from what I've been told about myself all my life, after a while I began to believe them, then eventually I became that person. I am so afraid of rejection, of not being good enough or lovable enough. I do not see anything good about myself. I sadly cannot think of one thing I do well. The only positive things I ever hear people tell me is that I am pretty. But I want to be more than pretty. I am always the person people make fun of, the woman with the eccentric personality.

There are times were I feel like change is possible. I dream of it every day, to be that confident woman that has friends. But then I am faced with the fears, sadness, and the voices saying change will never happen. I pray and hope that one day I will find reasons to love myself.

Sorry, I hope I don’t sound redundant and whinny. I don't feel sorry for myself and I am not throwing a pity party, I just really want to know how to change, but as you said, I guess it is a process.

Thank you for taking the time out to respond, it means a lot. People like you give me hope and encouragement to continue to fight even when I feel like throwing in the towel. You're right there is light at the end of the tunnel, I may not see it but I guess it is there.

Thank you so much!

[Cochonette]

Originally Posted by Pupil

People tend to confirm these beliefs I have of myself and actually I honestly believe these beliefs stem from what I've been told about myself all my life, after a while I began to believe them, then eventually I became that person. I am so afraid of rejection, of not being good enough or lovable enough. I do not see anything good about myself. I sadly cannot think of one thing I do well. The only positive things I ever hear people tell me is that I am pretty. But I want to be more than pretty. I am always the person people make fun of, the woman with the eccentric personality.

There are times were I feel like change is possible. I dream of it every day, to be that confident woman that has friends. But then I am faced with the fears, sadness, and the voices saying change will never happen. I pray and hope that one day I will find reasons to love myself.

Sorry, I hope I don’t sound redundant and whinny. I don't feel sorry for myself and I am not throwing a pity party, I just really want to know how to change, but as you said, I guess it is a process.

Thank you for taking the time out to respond, it means a lot. People like you give me hope and encouragement to continue to fight even when I feel like throwing in the towel. You're right there is light at the end of the tunnel, I may not see it but I guess it is there.

Thank you so much!

I have been there. I know how you feel. I started my blog exactly to go from the despair of not loving myself and not believing in myself at all to become self-confident. It is always a work in progress, but ever since then, I could say that clearly I do love myself and believe that, even where I do not love myself, I deserve love and deserve to love myself completely. Check my blog if you want to see how I did/do this.

I do not see anything good about myself.

I used to think exactly the same way! I told this to my friend, and he said, "I can name several things right now that you are good at." The only one that stuck with me was that I am very introspective, because it was something I could agree I was good at and that was a great quality to have. That was the first good quality I admitted to having.

I can tell you right now some things that I think are great about you. One - you are clearly a self-educating person (1) with a strong desire to learn (2) and grow (3). You have read all these practical books (4), when the average person doesn't read much at all, or just reads romance novels or comic books. You type well (5) with a complex vocabulary (6), and I can tell that you are an intelligent (7) and thoughtful (8) person who simply needs to believe in herself. And you can. You can believe in yourself. In fact, I dare say you already do. You believe the things you have typed. YOU have typed those things you believe. You believe in your own ideas. Considering this fact, does anyone truly believe in anyone else more than they believe in themselves?

I can tell just from this thread that you have much to offer the world. You already do.

I dream of it every day, to be that confident woman that has friends. But then I am faced with the fears, sadness, and the voices saying change will never happen. I pray and hope that one day I will find reasons to love myself.

I did, too. I just wanted to be a confident person. You know? That's what we really desire, more than to have friends, more than all the "good" things about ourselves that we wish to see... we simply desire to be confident. That's how I began to develop self-confidence - I thought, "I cannot imagine having all the qualities that I imagine I would need to feel self-confident (all those 'good' qualities), but I can imagine what it feels like to be self-confident. I just want to know how it feels." So I decided to forsake reasoning for a while. Well, not entirely - I had reached the very reasonable conclusion that self-confidence makes sense. Yet I didn't yet believe in it enough to actually be self-confident. Just - whenever I had reasoned out my fears and self-hatred as much as I could - in the end, it was, well, a dead-end that did NOT make sense. It was just reasons I couldn't stop pursuing, by habit, by compulsion. That did not make sense! Yet because they were reasons, I got pulled constantly round and round into thinking they did make sense, like a dog chasing its tail!!!

You don't need REASONS to be self-confident. At least, not any you don't already have. You WANT to be self-confident. So why don't you try it out? Even if you have to pretend for a while. Pretend that all those reasons for self-doubt don't exist, for now. Give yourself a chance just to know what it feels like to be self-confident, to be who you want to be. In the end, you might realize that your reason for being self-confident and deserving to be self-confident is simply that it's what you want and that everything you don't REALLY want is actually a dead-end in the pursuit of happiness and anything.

[Merr]

If someone turned to you, someone you cared about and said that they felt the way you do, what would you advise them? Would you think that they should not love/like themselves based on lack of talent? Even supposing that is true, who is to say you won't discover some talent that you have in the future?

Acceptance is key. Accept that you're untalented, not especially likeable and all of the rest of it as that's what you really believe, but that you love yourself anyway. You need to take the pressure off yourself to be specific things and just accept yourself. One exercise I've encountered is to tell yourself 'I love you' in the mirror each day. It feels unnatural at first but with some practice it feels more convincing. Also, go out into the world and love other people. In my experience, at times in my life I've felt unloveable it's when there hasn't been much love in me for others either.

[Pupil]

Originally Posted by Cochonette

I have been there. I know how you feel. I started my blog exactly to go from the despair of not loving myself and not believing in myself at all to become self-confident. It is always a work in progress, but ever since then, I could say that clearly I do love myself and believe that, even where I do not love myself, I deserve love and deserve to love myself completely. Check my blog if you want to see how I did/do this.


I used to think exactly the same way! I told this to my friend, and he said, "I can name several things right now that you are good at." The only one that stuck with me was that I am very introspective, because it was something I could agree I was good at and that was a great quality to have. That was the first good quality I admitted to having.

I can tell you right now some things that I think are great about you. One - you are clearly a self-educating person (1) with a strong desire to learn (2) and grow (3). You have read all these practical books (4), when the average person doesn't read much at all, or just reads romance novels or comic books. You type well (5) with a complex vocabulary (6), and I can tell that you are an intelligent (7) and thoughtful (8) person who simply needs to believe in herself. And you can. You can believe in yourself. In fact, I dare say you already do. You believe the things you have typed. YOU have typed those things you believe. You believe in your own ideas. Considering this fact, does anyone truly believe in anyone else more than they believe in themselves?

I can tell just from this thread that you have much to offer the world. You already do.


I did, too. I just wanted to be a confident person. You know? That's what we really desire, more than to have friends, more than all the "good" things about ourselves that we wish to see... we simply desire to be confident. That's how I began to develop self-confidence - I thought, "I cannot imagine having all the qualities that I imagine I would need to feel self-confident (all those 'good' qualities), but I can imagine what it feels like to be self-confident. I just want to know how it feels." So I decided to forsake reasoning for a while. Well, not entirely - I had reached the very reasonable conclusion that self-confidence makes sense. Yet I didn't yet believe in it enough to actually be self-confident. Just - whenever I had reasoned out my fears and self-hatred as much as I could - in the end, it was, well, a dead-end that did NOT make sense. It was just reasons I couldn't stop pursuing, by habit, by compulsion. That did not make sense! Yet because they were reasons, I got pulled constantly round and round into thinking they did make sense, like a dog chasing its tail!!!

You don't need REASONS to be self-confident. At least, not any you don't already have. You WANT to be self-confident. So why don't you try it out? Even if you have to pretend for a while. Pretend that all those reasons for self-doubt don't exist, for now. Give yourself a chance just to know what it feels like to be self-confident, to be who you want to be. In the end, you might realize that your reason for being self-confident and deserving to be self-confident is simply that it's what you want and that everything you don't REALLY want is actually a dead-end in the pursuit of happiness and anything.

You hit it right on! But I guess you are right. I am good enough. Thank you soo much for these encouraging words, it means a lot. I just wished I had friends -- authentic friendships. I will go check out your blog.

[Pupil]

Originally Posted by Merr

If someone turned to you, someone you cared about and said that they felt the way you do, what would you advise them? Would you think that they should not love/like themselves based on lack of talent? Even supposing that is true, who is to say you won't discover some talent that you have in the future?

Acceptance is key. Accept that you're untalented, not especially likeable and all of the rest of it as that's what you really believe, but that you love yourself anyway. You need to take the pressure off yourself to be specific things and just accept yourself. One exercise I've encountered is to tell yourself 'I love you' in the mirror each day. It feels unnatural at first but with some practice it feels more convincing. Also, go out into the world and love other people. In my experience, at times in my life I've felt unloveable it's when there hasn't been much love in me for others either.

Thank you, Merr. I will try this every day until I believe it.

[Soul Reaver]

The opening post was clearly not written by someone who is slow, uncreative and boring.

I can tell that much. I'm not saying this to cheer you up, but I can tell those are the words by someone who is very bright indeed, but is simply facing a very normal problem in life.

In fact this is one of the most poignant threads I've read on this forum. It's all well and good to talk left and right about self-love but the truth of the matter is....that the people who always did it, don't know how they do it...and the people who don't do it have no one to ask how to do it.

Save perhaps for people who have REALLY experienced both sides of the equation of course. I'd like to hear more replies to this thread from different members.

[The Cloud]

Your lack of self-love is only a relative truth. It is true because you say it is true, and believe it. You don't need to find love, or make it, or change anything at all, because your lack is not a real truth. You only need to disbelieve that you don't love yourself, and it will cease to be true.

Either you love yourself or you don't; there's no way to change from one to the other. Whichever one you find to be true will have always been true.