Honesty

[garentee]

I have ruined quite a few relationships in the past ten years by being honest with the other person or trying to live what is true to me. It did surprise me at first, but it is now no surprise to me that many people actually are not interested in having me be honest with them. I guess though that there is a certain tact with which one ought to be honest with others with. I unfortunately did not learn that until after I had hurt the other party or burned the bridge. These people that I have hurt are in my life in a very peripheral way but I do see them quite often.. it just amazes me how few people want to hear the truth...I was just thinking about this today as I saw someone who I had hurt in the past who has not fully gotten over it and I felt that the relationship that I had with her and her husband was one that I regretted trying to burn the bridge.. There is some life possible in the friendship, and I am hopeful that it can revive, but it has been a very very large life lesson that has very strong reverberations all around me to this day that it is sometimes better to not be so brutally honest...Many of the other friendships I had ruined are gone.. and actually thankfully so... I do not regret learning the lesson nor do I necessarily regret the honesty, but the way in which the honesty that I used affected the friendships and the results that ensued... I am interested in hearing from others about their experiences with this issue...

[nothuman]

Originally Posted by garentee

I have ruined quite a few relationships in the past ten years by being honest with the other person or trying to live what is true to me. It did surprise me at first, but it is now no surprise to me that many people actually are not interested in having me be honest with them. I guess though that there is a certain tact with which one ought to be honest with others with. I unfortunately did not learn that until after I had hurt the other party or burned the bridge. These people that I have hurt are in my life in a very peripheral way but I do see them quite often.. it just amazes me how few people want to hear the truth...I was just thinking about this today as I saw someone who I had hurt in the past who has not fully gotten over it and I felt that the relationship that I had with her and her husband was one that I regretted trying to burn the bridge.. There is some life possible in the friendship, and I am hopeful that it can revive, but it has been a very very large life lesson that has very strong reverberations all around me to this day that it is sometimes better to not be so brutally honest...Many of the other friendships I had ruined are gone.. and actually thankfully so... I do not regret learning the lesson nor do I necessarily regret the honesty, but the way in which the honesty that I used affected the friendships and the results that ensued... I am interested in hearing from others about their experiences with this issue...

Hi
I am not claiming to know your brand of honesty but I know for a lot of us we can get confused between honesty and judgement.
When we decide to know what is best for another then we assume a position of arrogance. Sure we all see things clearer when applying honesty to another but mix it with equal parts empathy and we get a much more balanced result.

[garentee]

I am pretty sure that was the missing link..the empathy part..But the greater point that I am trying to illustrate is that sometimes people do not want to know what you really think...and it may be best to leave it be.. Its a fine line between setting boundaries and being honest with yourself about what you wish to experience and crossing the line and trampling someone elses boundaries...

[nothuman]

Originally Posted by garentee

I am pretty sure that was the missing link..the empathy part..But the greater point that I am trying to illustrate is that sometimes people do not want to know what you really think...and it may be best to leave it be.. Its a fine line between setting boundaries and being honest with yourself about what you wish to experience and crossing the line and trampling someone elses boundaries...

I agree with you. I guess we all need to soul search our own reasons for imposing our honesty on another when they might very well not be ready to take it....sometimes we all need to pull back and let another travel their own road regardless of what we feel.

[garentee]

Well yeah that is essentially the meat and potatoes of the lesson. If I had known that back about 4 years ago there would be a lot less carnage of old friendships.. now that I do know it, it is a matter of being mindful of the other person...Really this whole thread IS designed to allow my thoughts to be worked through... Thanks for your input..

[Acting Like Godot]

Where I work - the managers can sign up for courses on how to handle performance appraisals for their subordinates. "How to Be Honest Yet Tactful" is a significant part of the course.

The way I see it - the performance appraisal scenario, so common in the working world, is one valid example of where a person needs to give an honest opinion about another person, to that same person. But elsewhere in life, such scenarios are not that common.

In other words, most of the time, you can keep your opinions about Tom, Dick and Harry, to yourself. Tom, Dick and Harry didn't ask for it; and may not appreciate it.

[The Cloud]

I've also noticed that a lot of people are unable to be affected positively by honesty. If you tell the truth when it contradicts the way they want things to be, they'll be unable to accept it, and if you lie, they'll accept it even if they don't believe it.

I'm not sure where to go from there.

[Rimuel]

Depends on your goal I suppose.

If you're building relationships that you wish to keep, gauge their limit and inject honesty only to the extent that they are able to accept it. You want to help them to become better through that honesty, yet being too frank will make your opinion/argument unbearable. If it is important to help them grow, then I suppose we should tone down our honesty, or reframe it to deliver less impact.

People have Honesty Levels; some are simply on a lower level than ourselves (and vice versa). I would never be totally honest with most people because I find them undependable and unstable. At least, most people around me are undependable in more ways than they are dependable, but I suppose extrapolating isn't a very good tool in such situations. Still, I will not change my tactic until I see a better reason to do so. Partial dependence is still the best for me.

@Cloud:

You should probably keep your distance from such people, and let them level up their honesty. Do you accept Truth? The stronger your alignment towards Truth, the more you should do away with Untruths, even if it means keeping a distance from most people you find yourself surrounded with now. It's like the Darkworker/Lightworker dichotomy; you can't channel energy outward and inward at the same time.

[Acting Like Godot]

Also, opinion-givers should be aware that you are merely giving your honest OPINION. Not Truth, with a capital T.

Your opinion may not be particularly well-informed or educated. That's why the recipient might not be too happy about receiving it. Especially if the opinion was unsolicited.

[garentee]

Originally Posted by Acting Like Godot

Also, opinion-givers should be aware that you are merely giving your honest OPINION. Not Truth, with a capital T.

Your opinion may not be particularly well-informed or educated. That's why the recipient might not be too happy about receiving it. Especially if the opinion was unsolicited.

True enough..along with giving an opinion goes the taking responsibility for your opinions...

I think what bothers me though is when someone takes your opinion, internalizes it and will not necessarily try to discuss with you your reasons for stating it in the first place. Interpersonal relationships weather they are friendships or something more do require communication especially when there is tension...