I'm prepared.

[ScyllaAndara]

I wanted to ask for some assistance in learning enough self-control to never let my mother's behavior make me as angry as it has. I become angry enough to imagine worse behavior. She's verbally abusive. She can become angry at anything. She criticizes everything. This is often brought on by having an extra shot besides wine at dinner. Stress brings out a monster in this woman. I'm thinking about going with no contact. She refuses to be positive. Me not speaking to her for about 5 years while I build my professional self may be a solution. I am unable to keep jobs because of sabotaging behavior in my family. I also have found out via metaphysical means that I have two half-sisters. I have no physical real world proof. This complicates things. I'm prepared to learn self-control. Thank you.

[RonSouther]

Originally Posted by ScyllaAndara

I wanted to ask for some assistance in learning enough self-control to never let my mother's behavior make me as angry as it has. I become angry enough to imagine worse behavior. She's verbally abusive. She can become angry at anything. She criticizes everything. This is often brought on by having an extra shot besides wine at dinner. Stress brings out a monster in this woman. I'm thinking about going with no contact. She refuses to be positive. Me not speaking to her for about 5 years while I build my professional self may be a solution. I am unable to keep jobs because of sabotaging behavior in my family. I also have found out via metaphysical means that I have two half-sisters. I have no physical real world proof. This complicates things. I'm prepared to learn self-control. Thank you.

Self control is repression. I feel your tension of self control in your message here. Repression, willpower, and positive thinking don't work. What works is for all of us to be authentic, and that makes the other person face reality.

What works is for you to let go and walk away if necessary. You already know that's the answer so the question is about courage to do it.

The question is about how to face your fears and be your own person, not about self-control.

Job one in life is your physical survival so having a reliable career fits with that. Get that done at all costs, then see where you are in terms of these difficult relationships.

It may feel selfish but physical survival is innately and necessarily selfish. Only you can do it for yourself. So get it done, then you're free to love selflessly.

And by NOT keeping the peace with your mom, you're holding up a mirror to her of the consequences of her behavior. She needs that to grow.

Here's my favorite quote on "letting go". I'm in awe of it! "Letting Go"...A Beautiful Quote and The Heart of Profound-Self-Help.com

[jayenn]

Okay so there is definitely a problem here because you're feeling so angry and hopeless, but I think the most important thing to do first would be to identify whether this problem is an inner problem (one that exists within yourself such as an anger management issue) or if it is an external problem (one that just exists between yourself and your family). Do you seem to have anger issues with other people outside of your family? Do you find yourself feeling angry the majority of the time or are there occasional specific incidences where certain people in your family make you extremely upset?

Also you said that you want to learn self-control, but you didn't identify a situation where you expressed any lack of self-control. Do you find yourself doing things that you later regret or feel were overreactions, or do you simply have an excessive amount of pent-up anger that you wish to disspell?

[wstein]

Self control will not keep you from getting angry. It will help you avoid acting out when you are angry. It could also help you stay away from such destructive people.

The following will help you avoid being angry in the first place: detachment, presence, peace, inner silence, inner stillness, positive self image, positive self worth, having learned the lesson of power, taming your ego, enlightenment, near death experience, OBE (out of body experience), energy shielding

I also suggest you look at why you are willing to continue to interact with these people.

[ScyllaAndara]

Originally Posted by RonSouther

Self control is repression. I feel your tension of self control in your message here. Repression, willpower, and positive thinking don't work. What works is for all of us to be authentic, and that makes the other person face reality.

What works is for you to let go and walk away if necessary. You already know that's the answer so the question is about courage to do it.

The question is about how to face your fears and be your own person, not about self-control.

Job one in life is your physical survival so having a reliable career fits with that. Get that done at all costs, then see where you are in terms of these difficult relationships.

It may feel selfish but physical survival is innately and necessarily selfish. Only you can do it for yourself. So get it done, then you're free to love selflessly.

And by NOT keeping the peace with your mom, you're holding up a mirror to her of the consequences of her behavior. She needs that to grow.

Here's my favorite quote on "letting go". I'm in awe of it! "Letting Go"...A Beautiful Quote and The Heart of Profound-Self-Help.com

I should not have to live with the rage I have towards her. She has done nothing but hurt me. I am truly enraged at a human being like her. Tonight I did put her in her place by saying "I don't have to socialize in a negative situation" since she had friends over I find toxic to myself.

Secondly, she has no right to criticize me because she's been in such a bitchy mood I'm not going to deal with her by any means in any setting. We're talking about a person who serially exaggerates my every illness. What I deal with, really, it isn't that bad. Type 1 diabetes, manageable. I'm smart whatever way you look at it. Hypothyroidism, easily prevented but in this house its always about stress and anger. I have PTSD/anxiety and have overcome my paranoid tendencies.

I can be authentic and soft-spoken while delivering my authentic barbs. I'm looking for a lawyer. I've had some luck with people who say that because of certain events that include underhanded threats of violence while glaring at me (subject), having a knife in the drawer. I immediately reported this to my internist. I talked to the cops but told them to do nothing. Dad is the sort who would snap when all control is lost. Did I mention I have two half sisters that keep coming up in psychic readings? My rescuers are beside the point. So you see my situation. I cannot always be as authentic as I'd like. It might be dangerous. I have to focus on my career, that much is certain. If the sisters can get me out of this place so that can happen, all the better. I'm four years out of college in various attempts to work dead-end jobs. I since have gotten myself on SSI and know how to budget properly.

[ScyllaAndara]

Originally Posted by jayenn

Okay so there is definitely a problem here because you're feeling so angry and hopeless, but I think the most important thing to do first would be to identify whether this problem is an inner problem (one that exists within yourself such as an anger management issue) or if it is an external problem (one that just exists between yourself and your family). Do you seem to have anger issues with other people outside of your family? Do you find yourself feeling angry the majority of the time or are there occasional specific incidences where certain people in your family make you extremely upset?

Also you said that you want to learn self-control, but you didn't identify a situation where you expressed any lack of self-control. Do you find yourself doing things that you later regret or feel were overreactions, or do you simply have an excessive amount of pent-up anger that you wish to disspell?

My emotions are an inner problem but the external problem exists between myself and my family. I used to have anger issues with others because I imagined many things were happening that weren't. Actually in one group I'm in right now, a pagan codependency group, there is one member I'm worried about who is probably not going to be a problem if I talk to her about whatever it is she keeps getting mad at me for. I don't think I'm doing anything. Remember, over and over again I've been victimized for nothing. People suck.

I had a whole lot of pent up anger at some point. The overreactions are things that are demanded of me by my mother because that's the way she wants to have our relationship. She needs me to be some kind of release valve for her. Curse of the Empath? Whatever. I'm through with that.

[ScyllaAndara]

Originally Posted by wstein

Self control will not keep you from getting angry. It will help you avoid acting out when you are angry. It could also help you stay away from such destructive people.

The following will help you avoid being angry in the first place: detachment, presence, peace, inner silence, inner stillness, positive self image, positive self worth, having learned the lesson of power, taming your ego, enlightenment, near death experience, OBE (out of body experience), energy shielding

I also suggest you look at why you are willing to continue to interact with these people.

At some point I'm going to have to kick my mother out of my life for a long time while I find myself. I have just been ill for years, and lacking in money for years. I've enrolled in a Zen Buddhist meditation class at an online school that only costs me $6.00 a month.

Yes, I've had near death experiences and OBEs. Energy shielding - something I've been consciously working on for years. I have plenty of shields. I just get overwhelmed easily if I loose focus. So I keep working on it! Thank you everybody for your replies.

If anybody has any other advice about how to learn self-control or have more of it, please let me know. I know you guys aren't advising me to totally loose my mind or as Luke Skywalker was told, feel your anger, acting on it leads you closer to the darkside. He made different choices than his father. I'm still really angry at my mother for incidences she pulled tonight. The only way I can manage is to refuse to socialize with her. She's very toxic. I don't know if I can say has always been but my eyes are very open today to how much.

[rawxstasy]

Read Eckart Tolle's "the Power of Now" and "New Earth" They are both very helpful for letting go of anger and negative emotions. Eventually things that other people say and do don't have any effect on you.

Repressing anger is not the way to resolve this. The anger has to go somewhere. It will stay in your body and cause illness and disease. You are only hurting yourself. Next time you are angry try asking yourself these questions.

What am I feeling now?
Can I allow myself to feel this feeling for a moment?
Could I let this feeling go?
Would I let this feeling go?
When?

It's OK to be angry and it's OK to stand up to your mother. You can be angry and you don't have to act on it.

[Weaver]

Originally Posted by ScyllaAndara

I'm prepared to learn self-control.

Hello ScyllaAndara,

I have two parts of self control...

The first is the ability to direct ones actions in a manner that causes the least amount of harm to self and others....... to do this you simply take hold of what ever emotion you are feeling, transform it into a motivational force that will then give you the necessary courage and/or drive to get a task done that you would never of been able to do without that extra emotional energy.

Just make sure that you think before you act as it is all about doing that which causes the least amount of harm to self and others.


the second is the ability to restrain yourself from negative and/or harmful actions to yourself and/or others....... to do this you will need to develop the strength of your will. below are some very simple exercises that may help you...

1. watch tv while keeping a blank facial expression. no smiling, no laughing etc...

2. eat sugary donuts without licking your lips.

3. hold an ice cube next to your stomach while not flinching.

These may seem silly, but they will certainly develop your will to resist unwanted actions. you can make up your own but whatever you do just keep practicing. when you know you can resist the small urge of licking sugar off your lips then resisting the urge of kicking your mother in the face will be easy peasy lemon squeezy.

[RonSouther]

Originally Posted by ScyllaAndara

I should not have to live with the rage I have towards her. She has done nothing but hurt me. I am truly enraged at a human being like her. Tonight I did put her in her place by saying "I don't have to socialize in a negative situation" since she had friends over I find toxic to myself.

Secondly, she has no right to criticize me because she's been in such a bitchy mood I'm not going to deal with her by any means in any setting. We're talking about a person who serially exaggerates my every illness. What I deal with, really, it isn't that bad. Type 1 diabetes, manageable. I'm smart whatever way you look at it. Hypothyroidism, easily prevented but in this house its always about stress and anger. I have PTSD/anxiety and have overcome my paranoid tendencies.

I can be authentic and soft-spoken while delivering my authentic barbs. I'm looking for a lawyer. I've had some luck with people who say that because of certain events that include underhanded threats of violence while glaring at me (subject), having a knife in the drawer. I immediately reported this to my internist. I talked to the cops but told them to do nothing. Dad is the sort who would snap when all control is lost. Did I mention I have two half sisters that keep coming up in psychic readings? My rescuers are beside the point. So you see my situation. I cannot always be as authentic as I'd like. It might be dangerous. I have to focus on my career, that much is certain. If the sisters can get me out of this place so that can happen, all the better. I'm four years out of college in various attempts to work dead-end jobs. I since have gotten myself on SSI and know how to budget properly.

I understand that you can't always be authentic and that is unfortunately the source of much of the rage....the repressed emotions build up and create a feeling of impending violence inside you.

You've got a physical dependency that keeps you there and a free spirit that is fed up being in that environment and bondage. As hard as it is, this situation has got you on the fast track to waking up in life. I see an incredibly intelligent person in your words!

Lemons into lemonade....keep going...earn your freedom!

[BillieAnn]

It's in the brain! Try by your self!

[faraway]

Self control will not help. Only forgiveness. You don't need to love your mother, but you must forgive her. Otherwise the negative energy will ruin your life. I hated my mother since I was 9. I was never happy in my life till I forgave my mother.

[BillieAnn]

Originally Posted by faraway

Self control will not help. Only forgiveness. You don't need to love your mother, but you must forgive her. Otherwise the negative energy will ruin your life. I hated my mother since I was 9. I was never happy in my life till I forgave my mother.

First, you have to be able to forgive other people. Any resentment, any desire for revenge, hatred, anger, wanting things to be different that are outside of your control, this negative energy is slowing you down and it’s using up your resources, mentally, physically and emotionally. So just let it go. Remember forgiveness isn’t something you give to your enemy, it’s something that you give to yourself!

Of course, who’s the hardest person in the world to forgive…

YOURSELF!

[JDuff]

I absolutely agree with BillieAnn. A lot of people have done things throughout my life (that I am close to) that I find morally reprehensible. However, the only way I have been able to deal with it, move on, and find a better place for these people in my life, is by forgiving them. That's the only way to let go of the baggage and stop it from messing with your head (in my opinion).