My fight to become normal and happy
 

Hey everyone I'm Kyle, new to this site. But it has been very helpful recently.

I am a unique person, I always asked questions mentally, very curious. For example as a kid I would look out the window and wonder why bridges looked different, or try to recreate buildings out of blocks, or draw them accurately. I am also musically inclined, I play drums, guitar, sing and can edit stuff together. However my whole life I was a shy person, and always wanted attention. I would cry a lot as a kid and through out middle school and highschool. And I always wondered why I had to cry, or get upset or angry. It didn't help that I was skinny, and short as a kid. My friends were younger then me and would beat me up, because they felt power. But back to crying, I figured that I would cry for attention, and felt that it would help me. But in reality that would kill my chances for people to want to hang out, or find me attractive. Later the past few years I experienced Hocd, which is terrible. And bi poler-ness, and possible ADD.

Its werid because in the morning I could feel motivated, and then later feel unenergetic with a different mind set. I would get anxiety attacks with being in front of people, or talking to girl that I really like. But a big part of the problem is not being happy with what I have, and what I can do. I always misconceive situations. For example if a girl doesn't text me back, or if someone was being negative. I would see that as something I did wrong, when it could of been something entirely different. So I would experience a lot of self pity.

But the good news, these past few months I said F it. I am going to the gym to bulk and workout. I am mediating a few times a day, using some mental tools to help me keep focused and drop negative stuff. I am reanalyzing everything I say thats negative to positive. I am leaving fun things for me to do, I am taking care of myself, my appearance and what I wear. I try to say hello to strangers, without giving any negative thoughts about. I am completing goals, challenging myself, and working on refining my talents. Yeah it sucks not having a huge social status, or a girlfriend. But that happens when your happy with yourself, and care less about getting it. So far it is working well. And I know that it will take a while for me to get 100% better, but I am feeling better each week.
Any other suggestions? What do you guys think?

Welcome!

I think that you should keep doing what you're doing until it stops working.

You are very creative, but you have bipolar-2 disorder as well. (Mild version)

Read Are You Neurotypical? | Quantified Self .
Don't make it your goal to become normal. Building social status is easier by focusing on stuff that's unique to you than by focusing on trying to become normal.

Hi Plokoon,

Please check out these links if you haven't seen them already?

Bipolar 1 Disorder with Sean Blackwell - Profound-Self-Help.com

Living With Bipolar Disorder - An Alternative View - Profound-Self-Help.com

ADHD Self Help - A Story of Healing - Profound-Self-Help.com

:):):)

Take note that the term 'normal' is not the way it should be defined nowadays. I believe that everyone is normal no matter what the differences are.

Btw, you're making progress and I salute you all the way!

I agree. But do you think building social status is a worthy goal?

Thanks guys! I guess I'll also use this thread as a journal of events as well.

Yesterday: Was the last day of my college class, a group of us decided to go to a restaurant/bar. Probably about 8 of us. We were going to order food, and for what ever reason my fear of puking came in and affected my appetite, so I got something small fearing that if I ate something I wanted it would make me puke. And for what ever reason I think this has something to do with the fact that I am not home in a safe place, but out in real life with my friends. I also noticed that I get annoyed when people don't pay attention to what I say. And then somebody else talks about something so simple, and people are giving him attention. But overall I commend myself, I had fun. I had a few funny moments that made people laugh. Had conversations and even had one of my friends say that I'm confident, and cool who doesn't give a crap. Which is great, because that was the goal I was trying to complete while in college and its working.

Also wanted to talk about this. So the past year and I half I have this hocd, which is called homosexual ocd. Which overall makes you rethink that your turning gay, so you get anxiety thinking about it. Mind you during highschool I did think about girls a lot, like any other guy. But my sex drive pretty much sucks. So a question for the guys. What is the most you can masturbate a day? I can only do it every other day with it feeling good. But I have a feeling this anxiety is hampering that. I just want to know if I am considered normal. If I can figure that out, I can probably shutdown this Hocd.

Welcome
 

Welcome, plokoon!

I wish you the best of luck! I'm also on a similar quest. I decided to start a blog instead of a thread on StevePavlina forums. Hopefully we can both stay consistent.

Since you asked about masturbation - in my case, libido varies with a lot of factors. Lifting heavy weights increases it drastically. Being depressed or anxious decreases libido.

You sound exactly like me when I was younger. In retrospect, though, it's hilarious how much emphasis I put on being "normal." The thought of me actually achieving that is preposterous.

HOCD is better than POCD, I'll tell you that much! But seriously, is it the stigma behind homosexuality that you're afraid of, or the practical issues? Because OCD is probably more of a threat to your sex life than latent homosexuality.

You might be autistic or something, you never know. But PDD is being massively overdiagnosed right now because the definition is becoming more broad. I had a therapist who was constantly trying to fit me into that box, and it drove me nuts. I wouldn't want to push someone to get tested unless they were a textbook case, since it's expensive and can't be treated.

Well I can admit I do have a fear of homosexuals. But right now I am slowly getting rid of that fear. Now I wouldn't want to do sexual things with males. So I'm straight, but I would like to be able to not have a fear of gay people, and be nice to them. I believe if I can do that then hocd will go away.

Why are you afraid of gays?

Wise words!

What, perchance, is normal? :)

Because it is just how I was brought up. And for what ever reason I always thought if you hang out with them they will make you gradually turn gay. No but this guy who was bi I was talking to at a party was telling me if I'm a virgin then I have no sexual preference, and that I'm not straight or gay until I have sex. Which is a load of bull, I believe thats when I started to have hocd.

Why not accept the fact that the absolute worst case scenario could actually happen? What would be so terrible about turning gay?

I would also say that prejudice is not wrong. If you wish to disapprove of gays, be free, it's a free country and a free world. :d

Having this bipolar disorder is disappointing. It can deffently take you out of the zone if your trying to practice something, or focus. For example when I would play drums, I just have this feeling of negativity, or especially when I'm working out. I'm not in the zone, or the mood because of the bi polar effect. However I am noticing it is slowly getting better each week.

It is! Either you're gay bi or straight. If you're straight and try having sex with a man you will get horribly turned off. If you don't know, maybe you're afraid of the results? In any event, I'm gay and I wouldn't have it any other way! What's important is that you live your life in alignment with who you are!

Do you really think this is helping the OP in every way? Wy shouldn't he be happy in his own skin? Reading what he says is like he's talking about me. It's a good thing he realizes his life needs improvement (getting nervous isn't gonna help him with women), and he's trying to do so, (as am I) and if he was happy with what the way things are going, he wouldn't try to improve. Stop confusing him.

I believe if I had a girlfriend who stood by me and liked me for who I am, that would be all I need, along with my family and friends I have. Even if it were for a year, it would help boost my confidence, and maybe get rid of my anxieties because now I could say I did things like everyone else. But obviously I wouldn't just use a girl just to make me feel better, I would care for her as well. I am a man that likes to see people happy, and to help others. I also believe that people don't deserve anything unless they get it themselves and work for it, that's why I am trying to get rid of self pity. And so far its working out well.

Aren't you really thinking co-dependency? If she helps me feel good, you will help her feel good?

I have to report Friday night coming home from a 13 hour shift, with 1 hour of sleep. I stayed up, and pondered upon a song I heard on the radio. I went home looked up the video, and for what ever reason I felt normal, happy, I felt like my old self, things were turning me on, that haven't before. And luckily this feeling is still around, I feel positive.

What is the song? I listen on Pandora to touchy feely songs and when the lyrics hit me, I go online right away to copy a quote from them.:)