Really struggling with self loathing :S Help!

[LocoDave]

Hi!

I’m new to these forums and I’ve never posted before.

Something that I’m struggling with is self loathing. A hatred for elements of myself and the results I have in my life. I feel that I should be a lot more than the person that I am. I feel that not only am I a disappointment to myself, I’m a disappointment to my parents.

What’s worse, I find myself projecting that hatred and resentment onto my younger 12 year old brother.

Questions:
1. Has anyone experienced anything like this before? How did you overcome?
2. What should I do- specifically around the projecting part?
3. How do I stop hating myself? (I think this is a habit that I picked up and never dropped when I was a zealous fundamentalist Christian in my teens).

Thanks heaps for taking the time to answer and get back to me on this. It's a very real issue that I struggle with on a day to day basis.

Some supporting information that you may want to read about if it helps answer the above questions.

Here’s some of the things I despise about myself.
- I don’t have a car and haven’t got a full drivers license. I’m massively pissed off that I don’t, beating myself up for not getting it when I was in my teens.
- I live at home with my parents
- I’m not experiencing financial choice
- That I’m not financially contributing to my family that much
- Frustrated and angry that after 5 years of being in the wilderness, I’m taking the steps in my life towards what I’m passionate about.

Some more facts. I recently turned 23. I’ve just completed a 4 year degree at a prestigious university in economics. It took me 5 years to complete it.

I began studying economics and finance, because at the age of 18, I simply wanted to be rich. That’s why I began my studies. I quickly found out that it wasn’t for me. For a combination of reasons (parental expectations, fear, indecisiveness) I never discontinued my studies. It’s only now that I’ve signed up for a one year course with a design college to study graphic design- something which I’m very happy and excited about. My mind is a fountain of creativity.

Over the past five years I’ve undergone several transformations. I was an extremely shy, awkward and timid person without much confidence, terrified of socializing and scared of talking to women. Over the years I’ve done a fair bit of work on myself, with the result that on the whole, I’m a confident, well spoken, funny, interesting guy that cares about others and wishes to see them grow and develop.

Some friends describe me as the most positive, inspiring person they ever know. Someone that energizes them, and that they like having me around. For my friends I usually have an ear to listen and understand, then if necessary give some guidance.

It’s like I have a mask. One that the public sees. The other, more real side of me that struggles with underlying melancholia and self loathing. The side that I, and my immediate family are all too familiar with. Many a time I don't go out in public and interact with people because of the dislike and shame that I have about myself.

[wanzulfikri]

I believe that you are having problem with expectations. If you read the blog of Zenhabits you will see that expectation is not good for your self improvement.

Sometimes, you should let go any disappoinment or any self loath that you have.

You are not wearing a mask, you just FEEL that you are wearing a mask.

For starters, let go...just let go of things and let yourself be free.

[RedAnt]

Best idea is just to stop focussing on all the things that you do not have (materially) and focus on all the things that you do have (in-built), like a sense of humour, intelligence etc.

Whenever you begin to get any feelings of self loathing then notice the feelings and do something to help someone else. Eg Just give someone at home a kiss on the cheek and tell them that they are wonderful. This will make you feel good about yourself and the self loathing will soon go.

[refrigerantcomp]

Originally Posted by RedAnt

Best idea is just to stop focussing on all the things that you do not have (materially) and focus on all the things that you do have (in-built), like a sense of humour, intelligence etc.

Whenever you begin to get any feelings of self loathing then notice the feelings and do something to help someone else. Eg Just give someone at home a kiss on the cheek and tell them that they are wonderful. This will make you feel good about yourself and the self loathing will soon go.

I know someone having the same feelings as you. Redant just say so the best way to help you overcome this feelings.

[RonSouther]

Life sucks when you live according to expectations.

Life is awesome when you live according to your talents.

First, I think you need the self respect of providing for your own existence. Get a job and pay your own bills then work towards a career that fits your talents, NOT you greed.

[ZephyrusX]

Have you ever read Steve’s article on the levels of consciousness? (I’ll link to it later). It took me a while to translate it in a way that made sense to me, but I think it is a useful tool. I basically see the ‘levels of consciousness’ as ways of coping with your environment. Each way is a legitimate means of coping and the value of each stage can only be assessed in relation to your actual consciousness. Just looking at it, you would think that ‘love’ is obviously the greatest value, but from someone who is operating from self-loathing may actually find anger quite valuable if not more valuable. A great example one of my profs gave me is a stranger that walks by you and gives you the nastiest of looks. If you are not capable of ‘understanding’, anger (i.e ‘What a ♥♥♥♥ing ♥♥♥♥♥!’) is actually better than running off to a corner and balling your eyes out because you are absolutely convinced there is something wrong with you.

Yes, I’ve done my fair share of self-loathing, and almost always, it was a coping mechanism for my environment. It was a poor mechanism to deal with a stress in my life. It is saying, ‘I really want to go out and make some friends, but I am very anxious. I am not a likeable person and I have no value, so by that conclusion, I just shouldn’t bother trying’. Viola! My anxiety is gone even if I didn’t exactly get the best of results. Obviously, there would be other ways to deal with situation with more satisfying results, but it is one legitimate way to deal with the underlying anxiety and fear.

By the sounds of it, I think you are on the right path. You have made progress in relation to your social skills, self-confidence, and life purpose. Realistically, you are going to slip back into the ‘self-loathing’ coping mechanism from time to time, but so long as you remain conscious of your choices and proactively choose to operate from a higher level, I think that will gradually wear off. At least, that has been my experience. Sooner or later, you’ll realize that the person other people see is actually the person you are (I’ve experienced the ‘impostor syndrome’ as well). You just haven’t accepted it as you haven’t updated your self-schema. I think realizing that can be scary. It is scary for me anyway as being a different person requires a different level of responsibility and level of consciousness, and from time to time, I just want to slip back into my self-loathing stage as it feels nice and safe albeit unsatisfying.

[ZephyrusX]

Levels of Consciousness

There is the article. You can just take it at face value or interpret it in a way that is more useful and meaningful for your self.

[lifetimelearner]

take off the mask my dear locodave and just be you

unless of course you are an a$6hole-

Just kidding
I heard a self help guy say that once
and I thought it was really rude
but what he went on to say was that once we set aside all that we think we are supposed to be
and what people expect us to be
we will find the essence of who we really are