Personal Development for Smart People^TM Forums

RonSouther · 12-04-2011, 08:36 PM

Should one first come to terms with one’s own loneliness before entering into relationship?

Yes, you have to come to terms with your loneliness, so much so that the loneliness is transformed into aloneness. Only then will you be capable of moving into a deep enriching relationship. Only then will you be able to move into love. What do I mean when I say that one has to come to terms with one’s loneliness, so much so that it becomes aloneness?

Loneliness is a negative state of mind. Aloneness is positive, notwithstanding what the dictionaries say. In dictionaries, loneliness and aloneness are synonymous – they are synonyms; in life they are not. Loneliness is a state of mind when you are constantly missing the other, aloneness is the state of mind when you are constantly delighted in yourself. Loneliness is miserable, aloneness is blissful. Loneliness is always worried, missing something, hankering for something, desiring for something; aloneness is a deep fulfillment, not going out, tremendously content, happy, celebrating. In loneliness you are off center, in aloneness you are centered and rooted. Aloneness is beautiful. It has an elegance around it, a grace, a climate of tremendous satisfaction. Loneliness is; beggarly; all around it there is begging and nothing else. It has no grace around it. In fact it is ugly. Loneliness is a dependence, aloneness is sheer independence. One feels as if one is one’s whole world, one’s whole existence.

Now, if you move into a relationship when you are feeling lonely, then you will exploit the other. The other will become a means to satisfy you. You will use the other, and everybody resents being used because no man is here to become a means for anybody else. Every man is an end unto himself. Nobody is here to be used like a thing, everybody is here to be worshipped like a king. Nobody is here to fulfill anybody else’s expectations, everybody is here just to be himself. So whenever you move in any relationship out of loneliness, the relationship is already on the rocks. Even before it has started, it is already on the rocks. Even before the birth, the child is dead. It is going to create more misery for you. And remember, when you move from your loneliness you will fall in relationship with somebody who is in the same plight, because no man who is really living his aloneness will be attracted towards you. You will be too below him. He can, at the most, sympathize, but cannot love you. One who is on his peak of aloneness can only be attracted towards somebody who is also alone. So whenever you move out of loneliness, you will find a man of the same type; you will find your own reflection somewhere. Two beggars will meet, two miserable people will meet. And remember, when two miserable people meet, it is not an ordinary addition, it is a multiplication. They create much more misery for each other than they could have created in their loneliness.

First become alone. First start enjoying yourself. First love yourself. First become so authentically happy that if nobody comes it doesn’t matter; you are full, overflowing. If nobody knocks at your door it is perfectly okay – you are not missing. You are not waiting for somebody to come and knock at the door. You are at home. If somebody comes, good, beautiful. If nobody comes, that too is beautiful and good.

Then move into relationship. Now you move like a master, not like a beggar. Now you move like an emperor, not like a beggar. And the person who has lived in his aloneness will always be attracted to another person who is also living his aloneness beautifully, because the same attracts the same. When two masters meet – masters of their being, of their aloneness – happiness is not just added, it is multiplied. It becomes a tremendous phenomenon of celebration. And they don’t exploit, they share. They don’t use each other. Rather, on the contrary, they both become one and enjoy the existence that surrounds them.

Two lonely people are always facing each other, confronting. Two people who have known aloneness are together, facing something higher than both. I always give this example: two ordinary lovers who are both lonely always face each other; two real lovers, on a full moon night, will not be facing each other. They may be holding hands, but they will be facing the full moon high in the sky. They will not be facing each other, they will be together facing something else. Sometimes they will be listening to a symphony of Mozart or Beethoven or Wagner together. Sometimes they will be sitting by the side of a tree and enjoying the tremendous being of the tree enveloping them. Sometimes they may be sitting by a waterfall and listening to the wild music that is continuously being created there. Sometimes, by the ocean, they will both be looking to the farthest possibility that the eyes can see. Whenever two lonely persons meet, they look at each other, because they are constantly in search of ways and means to exploit the other: how to use the other, how to be happy through the other. But two persons who are deeply contented within themselves are not trying to use each other. Rather, they become fellow travelers; they move on a pilgrimage. The goal is high, the goal is far away. Their common interest joins them together.

Ordinarily the common interest is sex. Sex can join two persons momentarily and casually, and very superficially. Real lovers have a greater common interest. It is not that sex will not be there; it may be there, but as part of a higher harmony. Listening to Mozart’s or Beethoven’s symphony, they may come so close, so close, so close, that there may be love. They may make love to each other, but it is in the greater harmony of a Beethoven symphony. The symphony was the real thing; the love happens as part of it. And when love happens of its own accord, unsought, unthought, simply happens as part of a higher harmony, it has a totally different quality to it. It is divine, it is no longer human.

The word happiness comes from a Scandanavian word ‘hap’. The word ‘happening’ also comes from the same Scandanavian root. Happiness is that which happens. You cannot produce it, you cannot command it, you cannot force it. At the most, you can be available to it. Whenever it happens, it happens.

Two real lovers are always available, but never thinking, never trying to find happiness. Then they are never frustrated, because whenever it happens it happens. They create the situation. In fact, if you are happy with yourself, you are already the situation, and if the other is also happy with himself or herself, she is also the situation. When these two situations come close, a greater situation is created. In that greater situation much happens – nothing is produced.

Man has not to do anything to be happy. Man has just to flow and let go.

So, the question is: should one first come to terms with his own loneliness before entering into relationship? Yes; yes, absolutely. It has to be so, otherwise you will be frustrated, and in the name of love you will be doing something else which is not love at all.

Osho

Maya2066 · 12-04-2011, 09:59 PM

Great post Ron. For years I felt very lonely and miserable. The Universe kept putting me in situations where I had to confront this issue. During the last year finally I have come to enjoy my aloness, growing and confronting my fears and doubts as well as neediness. Now I'm peaceful practically all the time with a rich inner life. I'm also more successful at the limited friendships that I have as well as in my intimate relationship.

nistacular · 12-04-2011, 10:19 PM

This is something I'm struggling with right now... I like this girl, but I keep becoming attached to her, and I often miss her happiness. I'm happy when she's happy. We seem to have some cords of attachment or something. Though she's better than I am at severing them. But they keep reforming. I'm worried that the only way I can be happy with this person relies on this sort of dependence. I don't know how to stop forming them when with her.

Anyway I'll have to think about this whole happiness while alone thing more....

The Cloud · 12-04-2011, 10:32 PM

I'd give you rep for this if it was your own words and not Osho's. Good stuff.

RonSouther · 12-04-2011, 11:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Maya2066

Great post Ron. For years I felt very lonely and miserable. The Universe kept putting me in situations where I had to confront this issue. During the last year finally I have come to enjoy my aloness, growing and confronting my fears and doubts as well as neediness. Now I'm peaceful practically all the time with a rich inner life. I'm also more successful at the limited friendships that I have as well as in my intimate relationship.

And that fits in beautifully with you testimony about letting go of the bipolar label! Nice!

RonSouther · 12-04-2011, 11:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Cloud

I'd give you rep for this if it was your own words and not Osho's. Good stuff.

How about half cred for recognizing a great read???

bodi · 12-04-2011, 11:48 PM

ron....

yep...

RonSouther · 12-05-2011, 12:03 AM

These types of quotes where he's comparing two similar words are among my very favorite. One word is reflects someone living in the mind (beliefs, hopes, dreams, expectations, ideals) and the other from the heart (truth, freedom, love, compassion).

Between the two is the paradox of life which only appears to exist from the side of the mind. Once the heart is known, the paradox disappears and life is good.

The Cloud · 12-05-2011, 07:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RonSouther

How about half cred for recognizing a great read???

I'll give you rep on your next good find, then.

sharshar89 · 12-05-2011, 09:10 AM

Just wondering about how one define loneliness and aloneless
There are times when I feel aloneless..I feel great without anyone else..I feel I could live happily without anyone else genuinely..
But many times I feel lonely..Alone and abandoned and no one cares..
So is aloneless actually a permanent subject or is it fluctuating..What if there were equal frequencies of aloneness and loneliness in a person's life? Is the person deemed to be lonely or alone?

RonSouther · 12-05-2011, 03:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sharshar89

Just wondering about how one define loneliness and aloneless
There are times when I feel aloneless..I feel great without anyone else..I feel I could live happily without anyone else genuinely..
But many times I feel lonely..Alone and abandoned and no one cares..
So is aloneless actually a permanent subject or is it fluctuating..What if there were equal frequencies of aloneness and loneliness in a person's life? Is the person deemed to be lonely or alone?

Loneliness in your dependence on another for you to feel happy. When no one is doing that, you feel lonely. Loneliness is "mental".

Aloneness is when you're enough unto yourself. In that aloneness you're building up an energy to share with others. Later you do so, you express your love, you give that energy away, then time to recoup in aloneness.

Both are needed. It's sad to be alone all the time because of this fountain of love you're sitting on. You want to share it but no one is available. That is NOT the same as being co-dependent on someone for your happiness.

In aloneness, you're ALREADY happy and want to share it.

In loneliness, you're NOT happy and you want to acquire it.

If you've ever heard of "love/hate" relationships, this is along those lines....sometimes you're a true unconditional giver and sometimes you're just flat out greedy for yourself. Aloneness and loneliness will follow that same pattern until you find self and no longer have a mind full of thoughts that defines you (ego).

The switch from aloneness to loneliness, from love to hate, is the switch from the heart to the mind....in there is a paradox...opposites....the heart gives and the mind is greedy...life looks totally different from each of those two perspectives.

12-04-2011, 08:36 PM	#1 (permalink)
RonSouther Family Member Join Date: Oct 2011 Posts: 1,400	Loneliness vs. Aloneness...what a great read! Should one first come to terms with one’s own loneliness before entering into relationship? Yes, you have to come to terms with your loneliness, so much so that the loneliness is transformed into aloneness. Only then will you be capable of moving into a deep enriching relationship. Only then will you be able to move into love. What do I mean when I say that one has to come to terms with one’s loneliness, so much so that it becomes aloneness? Loneliness is a negative state of mind. Aloneness is positive, notwithstanding what the dictionaries say. In dictionaries, loneliness and aloneness are synonymous – they are synonyms; in life they are not. Loneliness is a state of mind when you are constantly missing the other, aloneness is the state of mind when you are constantly delighted in yourself. Loneliness is miserable, aloneness is blissful. Loneliness is always worried, missing something, hankering for something, desiring for something; aloneness is a deep fulfillment, not going out, tremendously content, happy, celebrating. In loneliness you are off center, in aloneness you are centered and rooted. Aloneness is beautiful. It has an elegance around it, a grace, a climate of tremendous satisfaction. Loneliness is; beggarly; all around it there is begging and nothing else. It has no grace around it. In fact it is ugly. Loneliness is a dependence, aloneness is sheer independence. One feels as if one is one’s whole world, one’s whole existence. Now, if you move into a relationship when you are feeling lonely, then you will exploit the other. The other will become a means to satisfy you. You will use the other, and everybody resents being used because no man is here to become a means for anybody else. Every man is an end unto himself. Nobody is here to be used like a thing, everybody is here to be worshipped like a king. Nobody is here to fulfill anybody else’s expectations, everybody is here just to be himself. So whenever you move in any relationship out of loneliness, the relationship is already on the rocks. Even before it has started, it is already on the rocks. Even before the birth, the child is dead. It is going to create more misery for you. And remember, when you move from your loneliness you will fall in relationship with somebody who is in the same plight, because no man who is really living his aloneness will be attracted towards you. You will be too below him. He can, at the most, sympathize, but cannot love you. One who is on his peak of aloneness can only be attracted towards somebody who is also alone. So whenever you move out of loneliness, you will find a man of the same type; you will find your own reflection somewhere. Two beggars will meet, two miserable people will meet. And remember, when two miserable people meet, it is not an ordinary addition, it is a multiplication. They create much more misery for each other than they could have created in their loneliness. First become alone. First start enjoying yourself. First love yourself. First become so authentically happy that if nobody comes it doesn’t matter; you are full, overflowing. If nobody knocks at your door it is perfectly okay – you are not missing. You are not waiting for somebody to come and knock at the door. You are at home. If somebody comes, good, beautiful. If nobody comes, that too is beautiful and good. Then move into relationship. Now you move like a master, not like a beggar. Now you move like an emperor, not like a beggar. And the person who has lived in his aloneness will always be attracted to another person who is also living his aloneness beautifully, because the same attracts the same. When two masters meet – masters of their being, of their aloneness – happiness is not just added, it is multiplied. It becomes a tremendous phenomenon of celebration. And they don’t exploit, they share. They don’t use each other. Rather, on the contrary, they both become one and enjoy the existence that surrounds them. Two lonely people are always facing each other, confronting. Two people who have known aloneness are together, facing something higher than both. I always give this example: two ordinary lovers who are both lonely always face each other; two real lovers, on a full moon night, will not be facing each other. They may be holding hands, but they will be facing the full moon high in the sky. They will not be facing each other, they will be together facing something else. Sometimes they will be listening to a symphony of Mozart or Beethoven or Wagner together. Sometimes they will be sitting by the side of a tree and enjoying the tremendous being of the tree enveloping them. Sometimes they may be sitting by a waterfall and listening to the wild music that is continuously being created there. Sometimes, by the ocean, they will both be looking to the farthest possibility that the eyes can see. Whenever two lonely persons meet, they look at each other, because they are constantly in search of ways and means to exploit the other: how to use the other, how to be happy through the other. But two persons who are deeply contented within themselves are not trying to use each other. Rather, they become fellow travelers; they move on a pilgrimage. The goal is high, the goal is far away. Their common interest joins them together. Ordinarily the common interest is sex. Sex can join two persons momentarily and casually, and very superficially. Real lovers have a greater common interest. It is not that sex will not be there; it may be there, but as part of a higher harmony. Listening to Mozart’s or Beethoven’s symphony, they may come so close, so close, so close, that there may be love. They may make love to each other, but it is in the greater harmony of a Beethoven symphony. The symphony was the real thing; the love happens as part of it. And when love happens of its own accord, unsought, unthought, simply happens as part of a higher harmony, it has a totally different quality to it. It is divine, it is no longer human. The word happiness comes from a Scandanavian word ‘hap’. The word ‘happening’ also comes from the same Scandanavian root. Happiness is that which happens. You cannot produce it, you cannot command it, you cannot force it. At the most, you can be available to it. Whenever it happens, it happens. Two real lovers are always available, but never thinking, never trying to find happiness. Then they are never frustrated, because whenever it happens it happens. They create the situation. In fact, if you are happy with yourself, you are already the situation, and if the other is also happy with himself or herself, she is also the situation. When these two situations come close, a greater situation is created. In that greater situation much happens – nothing is produced. Man has not to do anything to be happy. Man has just to flow and let go. So, the question is: should one first come to terms with his own loneliness before entering into relationship? Yes; yes, absolutely. It has to be so, otherwise you will be frustrated, and in the name of love you will be doing something else which is not love at all. Osho

12-04-2011, 10:32 PM	#4 (permalink)
The Cloud Family Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Posts: 2,203	I'd give you rep for this if it was your own words and not Osho's. Good stuff. Last edited by The Cloud; 12-04-2011 at 10:33 PM. Reason: good stuff

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Switch to Hybrid Mode Switch to Threaded Mode

Similar Threads
Thread	Thread Starter	Forum	Replies	Last Post
Loneliness	RedRain	Social & Relationships	99	03-24-2011 02:58 PM
Aloneness.	marty	Social & Relationships	2	03-25-2009 09:38 PM
Loneliness - What's going on?	Xin	Social & Relationships	9	07-09-2007 03:29 AM
Great read	John P	Fun & Recreation	1	04-25-2007 09:27 PM
A great book I read	JoannaC	Personal Effectiveness	3	01-18-2007 05:25 PM

12-04-2011, 09:59 PM	#2 (permalink)
Maya2066 Senior Member Join Date: May 2010 Location: South Florida Posts: 144	Great post Ron. For years I felt very lonely and miserable. The Universe kept putting me in situations where I had to confront this issue. During the last year finally I have come to enjoy my aloness, growing and confronting my fears and doubts as well as neediness. Now I'm peaceful practically all the time with a rich inner life. I'm also more successful at the limited friendships that I have as well as in my intimate relationship.

12-04-2011, 10:19 PM	#3 (permalink)
nistacular Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2011 Location: Detroit Posts: 99	This is something I'm struggling with right now... I like this girl, but I keep becoming attached to her, and I often miss her happiness. I'm happy when she's happy. We seem to have some cords of attachment or something. Though she's better than I am at severing them. But they keep reforming. I'm worried that the only way I can be happy with this person relies on this sort of dependence. I don't know how to stop forming them when with her. Anyway I'll have to think about this whole happiness while alone thing more....

12-04-2011, 11:48 PM	#7 (permalink)
bodi Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2011 Posts: 191	ron.... yep...

12-05-2011, 12:03 AM	#8 (permalink)
RonSouther Family Member Join Date: Oct 2011 Posts: 1,400	These types of quotes where he's comparing two similar words are among my very favorite. One word is reflects someone living in the mind (beliefs, hopes, dreams, expectations, ideals) and the other from the heart (truth, freedom, love, compassion). Between the two is the paradox of life which only appears to exist from the side of the mind. Once the heart is known, the paradox disappears and life is good.

12-05-2011, 09:10 AM	#10 (permalink)
sharshar89 Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2010 Posts: 285	Just wondering about how one define loneliness and aloneless There are times when I feel aloneless..I feel great without anyone else..I feel I could live happily without anyone else genuinely.. But many times I feel lonely..Alone and abandoned and no one cares.. So is aloneless actually a permanent subject or is it fluctuating..What if there were equal frequencies of aloneness and loneliness in a person's life? Is the person deemed to be lonely or alone?

Personal Development for Smart PeopleTM Forums

Personal Development for Smart People^TM Forums