Dealing with my father's cancer

[JeanKitten]

My father is dealing with a resurgence of throat cancer which has come back and spread to his chest.

He has no insurance and is basically getting treatment through a charity organization and through the hospital's assistance program.

The doctors have basically told him they can't do much but try to control the spreading through radiation and chemo.

Without getting into every detail of my childhood, I will tell you that my father and I aren't close. He left my mother 8 years ago, after 21 years of marriage (after being a less that stellar husband) and moved in with his woman on the side. They are still together and I have met this woman once in the 8 years as I feel a lot of hostility towards her and refuse to let her in my life.

I am also angry at him. And at my parents handling of the separation. They basically never talked to us about it. To this day, I don't know if my parents are legally divorced or just separated because they have never spoken with us about it.

Since they split up, I rarely talk to my father (maybe once a month for 5 minutes) and I really do not have a relationship with him. We don't spend holidays together and he even forgot my birthday this year.

Regardless of how shi tty of a dad he's been I feel like i am a robot because I have no feelings toward his illness. It's likely my father will die in the next few years and I don't feel sad, happy, mad or anything. I feel like it's a stranger where I feel bad that they got a disease but I'm not emotionally invested.

Worrying about my reaction to the situation has really been brought up surrounding my break up. Just thinking about how my breakup has consumed me but my father's impending death means nothing.

[Came]

Try to forgive him, even if it is difficult. It might sound hard but consider what would happen if you do begin to forgive him in 10 years time, what if you needed to tell him something but it was too late? You have to be prepared for the worst even if it is unlikely. Talk to him now or you could feel guilty for the rest of your life.

[Greek Dog]

Your post sounds sorely familiar to me. My own father died in recent months. He too had left my mother and my siblings and I had little interaction with him in the ensuing years.

I had a loving and a longing for "father" but that, unfortunately, had little to do with him. The grieving has been for "father" and that began years before he died. It is less about the person who was my father who for many reasons was not a man who loved or cared but who put on a pretense because it was what he was supposed to do.

I cannot tell you how to mourn the fathering that was missing but perhaps you can find that concept of mourning the fathering and the loving that you needed and longed for.

[MovingForward]

I have had similar experiences and ask that you try to forgive your parents and try not to focus on their mistakes. Try to focus on their strengths and what qualities they have that you would like to cultivate in yourself. Let the rest go, forget about it. Unless you really feel you need to know the details for peace of mind, I think you should try to respect that there are details to every relationship that a 3rd party will not understand. Leave your mom and dad's marriage/breakup details to them, just like if you have kids they really need boundaries from the details of what happened between you and your partner. Don't blame your dad's girlfriend, who knows what he tells her. Sorry that their marriage didn't work and that they were vague, but respect that it's their marriage and you don't have to carry the weight of their mistakes.

Right now you have been given precious time with your father and need to focus on that. If it means visiting him one time and not fighting or getting upset, do it. If it means writing him a letter, do it. Soon he will not be here to resolve questions for you. It doesn't have to be heavy. Figure out what it is you want to know that will help you heal and ask him before he gets worse.

My dad passed away over 10 years ago under similar situation, why didn't I ask him why his favorite author was Hemingway.

My mom just recently passed away, why didn't I ask her to tell me how to make those pie's her mom used to make?

Lastly, as for the breakup, it sounds like a distraction from what's going on that is painful in your life. I ask that you look to heal your family relationship and deal with your parent break up before you will be good for your own relationship. I feel for you and what you are going through, take care.

[ZephyrusX]

Well, our situations are a bit different as I had a loving relationship with my father when he died. I just wanted to suggest that 'feeling like a robot' may simply be emotional denial and a coping mechanism. I too thought that I was some how 'robotic' or 'wrong' for not feeling much emotion when my father was dying (we knew for about a year that he was going to die). I knew logically that he was going to die, but I think emotionally, I just didn't really accept it until he was actually in a coma and was not going to wake back up. I think that was the first time I actually cried. But it is normal. People grieve differently. There is no rule out there that says that you have to feel so-and-so during this process of death and dying.

If you are going to grieve, grieve in a manner that is appropriate for you.

Originally Posted by JeanKitten

Regardless of how shi tty of a dad he's been I feel like i am a robot because I have no feelings toward his illness. It's likely my father will die in the next few years and I don't feel sad, happy, mad or anything. I feel like it's a stranger where I feel bad that they got a disease but I'm not emotionally invested.

Worrying about my reaction to the situation has really been brought up surrounding my break up. Just thinking about how my breakup has consumed me but my father's impending death means nothing.

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by JeanKitten

Regardless of how shi tty of a dad he's been I feel like i am a robot because I have no feelings toward his illness. It's likely my father will die in the next few years and I don't feel sad, happy, mad or anything. I feel like it's a stranger where I feel bad that they got a disease but I'm not emotionally invested.

Why do you think you have an obligation to feel different?

[JeanKitten]

He is my father. I feel that most people would be more upset if they knew their father was going to die. Its not an obligation as much as an expectation.

Not to mention as torn up as this breakup has made me I just feel like my priorities are mixed up. I should care much less about a guy I dated for a year breaking up with me then my father not being around anymore.

[CoolBee]

Try "acting as if".

What do you think you would be feeling - how would you be behaving what would your body be doing - what would you be doing - if you were feeling emotion over this? If you had forgiven him?

If you are moved by music, this may be able to stimulate emotions in you if you feel that you want/need/must cry, say.

Has your mother forgiven him? Are you holding any feelings 'on her behalf' towards him?

Sometimes we bear grudges on behalf of other people who have moved on - I know this has happened in my family where a relationship has broken down, the 'wronged party' moves on with their lives and forgives but other members of the family still hold grudges on that person's behalf (unasked!)

Don't berate yourself over crying more for a lost boyfriend than your father at this point. Your relationship with your father is much more complex and deep-rooted than a 1 year guy. When my grandmas died (both within just over a year), I did cry at the time, but when it all came out was when I attended the memorial service for our hospital chaplain (I worked in a hospital) who I hardly knew. The service played the Agnus Dei from Faure Requiem. I was in pieces and couldn't go back to the office for the afternoon. Took me a while to realize I was grieving for my grans.

[wanzulfikri]

Let go...that's my advice.

It feels good sometimes to have all this hatred and such. But, when we look deep inside ourself, that's not how we should live our lives.

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by JeanKitten

He is my father. I feel that most people would be more upset if they knew their father was going to die. Its not an obligation as much as an expectation.

Not to mention as torn up as this breakup has made me I just feel like my priorities are mixed up. I should care much less about a guy I dated for a year breaking up with me then my father not being around anymore.

What you should do is feel like yourself, and since that's who you are, that's how you already feel. Pretending you're not yourself with fake feelings won't make you a better or better-adjusted person. Personally, I think it's better to feel nothing at all than to feel something that you made up because it's what you've learned to expect.

Don't worry; you'll feel what you need to when you need to. It's ok not to feel anything else.