Work to heal childhood abandonment & rejection

[Merr]

It isn't a lonely journey as long as you're sharing it with us. It seems counter-productive to put oneself through pain to achieve healing but it really does work, doesn't it? We spend all our lives putting a lid on difficult emotions because it's how most of us were taught to deal with them or learned to cope through necessity at the time. Once we start letting the garbage out, it feels so much better. I'm glad that your journey is progressing well.

[RonSouther]

Originally Posted by merr

it isn't a lonely journey as long as you're sharing it with us. it seems counter-productive to put oneself through pain to achieve healing but it really does work, doesn't it? We spend all our lives putting a lid on difficult emotions because it's how most of us were taught to deal with them or learned to cope through necessity at the time. Once we start letting the garbage out, it feels so much better. I'm glad that your journey is progressing well.

+1 !!!!

[Greek Dog]

Merr and Ron Souther - Thanks for your encouragement. Much appreciated.

Rereading Schwartz' book You Are Not Your Brain, and working on being mindful about the false brain impulses.

having little success in moving past that point.

have had other successes so I am simply going to keep at it.

[MovingForward]

Can you share what the 4 steps of the book are and where it is you are finding resistence? Maybe some can help you or learn from what you share.

Can you share the conflict you have mentioned before regarding chores?
I am encouraging you to continue and you are not alone.:

[Greek Dog]

How about this for coincidence:

Chapter 7 Moving Forward with the Four Steps.

1. Relabel
2. Reframe
3. Refocus
4. Revalue

More about these later.

[Greek Dog]

I am in a terrible place now.
I hope this is part of the process of healing.

All the darkness is rising up and seems to be controlling my life.
I chose to move forward keeping my mind and focus on the healing light of Christ. The rejection and alienation seems to have become the dominant vibration.

I choose to relabel these as dark, low vibrations.
I reframe these as the aberrant brain - not the true me.
I refocus on the power of positive, higher vibrations.

[neilpage]

I hope you keep sharing your story, for me I will keep reading it. I don't know if I'm move to tears because of the understanding of my abandonment to or because I see a person who has prove he is more than the weight of gold.

Your passion to overcome a horrific past is the hope of believing that there IS "something better than this".... in a sense, all of us are looking for....Love in ourselves and Love in enjoying our life.
GODSPEED

[Greek Dog]

not doing well. slipping into yucky depression.
Re-reading Schwartz book - not unusual for things to get worse before they get better. That certainly has been true for me each time I work on an issue. Schwatz book tells me that each time I get bast the shutdown nd do something (most likely anything other than "avoid") that my brain is creating new circuits. Still amazingly difficult to move out of "shutdown" mode.

Schwartz' 4 steps includes "feel it and do it anyway" in a sense. That is the most difficult of all. The harsh criticism and exclusion is so loud and prominent. It creates an actual physical pain.

I totally get "feel it and do it anyway" as I have spent my entire adult life trying to escape the pain. That is exactly why I have fallen into the shutdown mode - trying to escape. So if I allow the pain to exist and find a way to function anyway that is the solution. Yet, even though i can see it so clearly, I am still struggling to do it.

I intend to summon the strength and courage to do it anyway.

today the plan is decorating for christmas and cleaning the kitchen and bedroom.

Marking the items here will help hold myself accountable.

[MovingForward]

Originally Posted by Greek Dog

How about this for coincidence:

Chapter 7 Moving Forward with the Four Steps.

1. Relabel
2. Reframe
3. Refocus
4. Revalue

More about these later.

Thank you, I will think about these.
LOL, there are no coincidences.

[MovingForward]

Originally Posted by Greek Dog

not doing well. slipping into yucky depression.
Re-reading Schwartz book - not unusual for things to get worse before they get better. That certainly has been true for me each time I work on an issue. Schwatz book tells me that each time I get bast the shutdown nd do something (most likely anything other than "avoid") that my brain is creating new circuits. Still amazingly difficult to move out of "shutdown" mode.

Schwartz' 4 steps includes "feel it and do it anyway" in a sense. That is the most difficult of all. The harsh criticism and exclusion is so loud and prominent. It creates an actual physical pain.

I totally get "feel it and do it anyway" as I have spent my entire adult life trying to escape the pain. That is exactly why I have fallen into the shutdown mode - trying to escape. So if I allow the pain to exist and find a way to function anyway that is the solution. Yet, even though i can see it so clearly, I am still struggling to do it.

I intend to summon the strength and courage to do it anyway.

today the plan is decorating for christmas and cleaning the kitchen and bedroom.

Marking the items here will help hold myself accountable.

I feel like I am walking beside you. You are holding me accountable.

[Greek Dog]

I'll tell you Moving Forward. Your posts are such strong encouragement for me. I have much more to tell you about these 4 steps. I cannot wait to share them with you.

I am moving forward as well and I am very thankful for it. Something about having a place to share with people in a public but private way is so powerfully healing - so powerful.

Thanks for your posts. LEt's keep in touch!

[FelineNostalgia]

Thank you for sharing the thread, I also share that kind of hurt, I was meant to read this haha! I'm going to try the four steps too

[Greek Dog]

I have used the four steps in the past but I am finding that each time I set aside an 11 week period to work the four steps I get deeper and deeper into the blockages that have held me back.

It is absurdly painful but worth it none-the-less because these blockages and this pain is at work on some level whether I address it or not. so I would much rather go through this and arrive at the other side rather than maintain my level of pain.


As I progress through this 11 week episode I am finding some really painful stuff. My biggest issue is that I shut down and avoid doing the things that are jut part of basic everyday life. For some reason cleaning and keeping house create an incredible block for me. I have not gotten to the very basic issue behind it all but I am getting at some part of it. It definitely goes back to my childhood.

Schwartz makes the point that will can not be accessed to overcome these brain patterns so the way through is to identify the aberrant "thought", relabel it as a faulty brain function and then refocus onto something that is positive action finishing up with a revalue.

The more I do this (I am currently still working on the first two steps trying to move into the 3rd step) the more i get to the problem that is keeping me bound. It is a kind of resistance. It is like a childish rage that resists what is being expected from me as the only way to express my own power. It is so painful to be stuck in this very childish mental place.

But this process will lead me through. Just means much pain on the way. That pain or my avoidance of it is exactly what has lead me to the paralysis or shutdown.

So I am in the place where meditation or focus on breath is to allow enough perspective to allow me to keep moving forward in spite of the pain rather than getting stuck in shut down.

Now that I have articulated the process I hope to be able to make a list of things to be accomplished along with a timeline and them start moving forward and ticking them off.

[Greek Dog]

Avoidance is the biggest problem resulting from my issues of rejection and incessant criticism. I come here to learn and to connect but I must admit that I come here when I am in the process of avoidance.

I will do anything to avoid the significant pain. And while it is emotional pain I actually feel it physically. This process requires that I stay in the pain and find a focus above it that allows me to feel it but to act in positive ways in spite of the pain. Very difficult.

but the concept is that if you can do it every day for 11 weeks that you will actually change the way your brain works. And that is so key for me.

I am going to keep breathing and move forward. In spite of the pain.

[Greek Dog]

OK - I am deep into the avoidance. I really want to get pat this. It is so powerful. I chose to believe that holding onto the mindfulness is the way forward.

What I am experiencing is a overwhelming physical sensation. I have not been able to eat much lately and have lost 20 pounds in recent months - without any effort. The feeling is one of a strong stomach ache and low blood sugar. I have to sit quite frequently and feel even more desire to avoid.

As this wretchedness grows and grows I remember that this is much what I went through during the months after my husband died. It feels much like profound grief. Then I get these slight inklings that this is also much like it felt when my father was belittling me while praising others. It is something like a kick in the gut.

I cannot tell you how difficult it is to do the things on my list to do -like decorate the Christmas tree. I am so drawn to withdraw and go into a fetal position. No Can Do!!!

[Greek Dog]

I'm going to keep on post today.
I seem to be feeling a greater surge of **^$^$^% today.
I am trying to push through but am having less success than yesterday.

I am going to rest in awareness today, mindfulness and pray that with intention I am able to push through as the mindfulness increases.

[MovingForward]

It's like lifting weights filled with emotions to get stronger? I keep picturing this.

[Greek Dog]

I like your image.

I got an insight into what I am feeling - it is a traumatic response.
It is as though Ihave just experienced some kind of trauma.
that makes some sense.
I did experience trauma as a child but I did not recognize it as such.

[Greek Dog]

information about trauma

Ten Steps to Healing From Trauma


By Martin V. Cohen, Ph.D.


Whether you have been a crime victim, involved in an accident or natural disaster, or were the victim of childhood abuse, the resulting trauma is similar. Pervasive fear and feelings of helplessness are natural reactions to events you probably had little or no control over. “I was totally traumatized,” and “I thought I was going to die,” are among the most often used phrases used to describe such occurrences. Unfortunately, trauma and the stress that follows, is on the rise at the turn of the new millenium in America.

[Greek Dog]

This is such a welcome discovery. Being able to name an experience and then find therapies or resolutions is so encouraging.

The graph at this website describes so clearly what I have been experiencing. This makes a real connection and gives me even greater hope for the healing.
http://www.traumahealing.com/images/pptSlide01.gif

I'm just posting away as though this world is not about to end. but the posting helps me create order in my chaotic life and that is therapeutic for me. All the better is something I share has value for anyone else. That would be my greatest hope.

This slide describes what healing would be like for me. this is what I long for in my life:
http://www.traumahealing.com/images/pptSlide03.gif

Whew - this is a description of what i have been experiencing. How remarkable to find someone's words which truly get what I have been experiencing. It is like having been found after years of wandering in a desert.
[quote]At the moment of contact (or just before), the young impala falls to the ground, surrendering to its impending death. Yet, it may be uninjured. The now limp animal is not pretending to be dead. It has instinctively entered an altered state of consciousness shared by all mammals when death appears imminent. Many indigenous peoples view this phenomenon as a surrender of the spirit of the prey to the predator, which, in a manner of speaking, it is.

Physiologists call this altered state the 'immobility' or 'freezing' response. It is one of the three primary responses available to reptiles and mammals when faced with an overwhelming threat. The other two, fight and flight, are much more familiar to most of us. Less is known about the 'immobility response.' However, my work over the last twenty-five years has led me to believe that it is the single most important factor in uncovering the mystery of human trauma. [quote]

Here is what Levine writes about how the healing works:

I believe that the key to healing traumatic symptoms in humans lies in our being able to mirror the fluid adaptation of wild animals as they 'shake out' and pass through the immobility response and become fully mobile and functional.

I hope to find the trick of how to move from "immobility" to being fully mobile and functional. To see these words which describe exactly what I have been experiencing is so remarkable. I have been trying to figure out how to move past this for 5 or more years and suddenly, as I put this into "intention" the very understanding that I need falls into my hands. Butterfly Woman - is this how intention helped you get the healing that transformed your life?

Here is a clear description of how one gets "stuck" in reliving a trauma. My name is written all over this.

Animals in the wild instinctively discharge all their compressed energy and seldom develop adverse symptoms. We humans are not as adept in this arena. When we are unable liberate these powerful forces, we become victims of trauma. In our often unsuccessful attempts to discharge these energies, we may become fixated on them. Like a moth drawn to a flame, we may unknowingly and repeatedly create situations in which the possibility to release ourselves from the trauma trap exists, but without the proper tools and resources most of us fail. The result, sadly, is that many of us become riddled with fear and anxiety and are never fully able to feel at home with ourselves or our world.

Wow! Is is as though Levine knew me from the inside out.

[Greek Dog]

Got to get the Levine book to find out how to release the stuck energy.

[Greek Dog]

Allowing the trauma to emerge is extremely painful. Without knowing ways to surrender to it I am using some deep breathing techniques. But reliving the traumas and memories that come bubbling up is wretched. AND lonely.

[neilpage]

Originally Posted by Greek Dog

OK - I am deep into the avoidance. I really want to get pat this. It is so powerful. I chose to believe that holding onto the mindfulness is the way forward.

What I am experiencing is a overwhelming physical sensation. I have not been able to eat much lately and have lost 20 pounds in recent months - without any effort. The feeling is one of a strong stomach ache and low blood sugar. I have to sit quite frequently and feel even more desire to avoid.

As this wretchedness grows and grows I remember that this is much what I went through during the months after my husband died. It feels much like profound grief. Then I get these slight inklings that this is also much like it felt when my father was belittling me while praising others. It is something like a kick in the gut.

I cannot tell you how difficult it is to do the things on my list to do -like decorate the Christmas tree. I am so drawn to withdraw and go into a fetal position. No Can Do!!!

Oh' my Dear... I wish I could hug you ... rock you in my arms until forever tall you can stand.
I do understand difficulties of how you feel and I understand how difficult it is to find the way out of the despair and perhaps despondency you feel trap in now.
I wish so much for you to find a hope in a forward day in time to see you self in freedom from all that has ever hurt you!

[Greek Dog]

neilpage - I am definitely on my way out. But the path is nevertheless quite rocky and very painful. But i'll tell you this, reading your post, especially the part emboldened. I'll take that hug and stand tall.

Many thanks for your kindness.

[RonSouther]

Originally Posted by Greek Dog

Allowing the trauma to emerge is extremely painful. Without knowing ways to surrender to it I am using some deep breathing techniques. But reliving the traumas and memories that come bubbling up is wretched. AND lonely.

After the dark night is a beautiful dawn....

[Greek Dog]

I'm looking forward to it.
Luv ya Ron

[MovingForward]

You are amazing to share this experience here.
The information and insight is so helpful for me, right now in my life.
I feel very connected to your story because you are giving me insight to what life must have been like for my mother.
She passed away this year. She battled demons from her childhood and spent her life feeling the rejection and abondonment.
I did not understand all of this, of course when I was a kid, but pieces of information about her life have been coming to me to allow me to be more empathetic. I need to forgive my mom and let go of the chaos she brought to my life.
She was a pack rat and enjoyed living in disorder. She was unable to do basic upkeep of our home. She would have periods of extreme anxiety, especially during the holiday. I could not even understand the unstability of the situation until I was in my early 30's.
Today, Christmas Eve, I feel the energy of her anxiety and it is not a ghost I want to keep around.
As you heal yourself here Greekdog, you are healing parts of a huge chunk of pain I have held on to that came from the disfunctional home lead by my mom.
Thank you and please keep going.