Is there a reason to keep personal things private that is not fear based?

[ssandra]

As the title says

Note: I am not talking about saying things that are not appropriate. For example, at Christmas Diner with my family in law, I won't start talking about my sex life.

However, I will also not feel ashamed if somehow the topic comes up, or they find out in whatever way possible. And then I will talk about it, if the timing about it is right.

This question is about purposefully keeping things for yourself. Are there good reasons to do so, that are not fear based?

[Agota]

I don't know if my reply will make any sense, because I find it hard to put the idea into words, but for me it's about energy. I somehow feel that sharing private things, especially related with either my sex life or future ambitions, with the wrong kind of people drains me energetically. I tried to ignore that feeling for a while, but it always comes up, therefore now I keep most of these things to myself and related people only

[ZephyrusX]

Keeping the peace, may be? Or setting healthy boundaries? There are some things I don't tell my grandmother as I know that it would only egg her on and I'd have to hear her rant on about something I really don't care to discuss with her (i.e homosexuality, how I spend my finances). So would the rest of the family. I know it wouldn't be productive to talk about these things with her, but I can't say that I feel overly fearful about her knowing. If she found out and asked me about it, I would probably discuss it, but at some point, I suspect I'd cut the conversation short as there is a limit to how much anti-homosexuality remarks that I am willing to tolerate from her mouth. At some point, it just becomes really tedious.

[ChrisGinsburg]

I would say the problem if you even want to call that is largely imagined. If there is a tendency or an inclination to share something, share it. If not, you won't. There is no more wisdom in opening the flood gates to everyone than there is keeping everything to oneself. If however there is a struggle about what you should and shouldn't share, there is likely some fear of your self image being threatened.

[ssandra]

This is not a personal problem in my life btw. Just an interesting thought I had when I posted this...


I believe there is a difference between actively hiding stuff about yourself and simply not sharing everything with everyone.

I do believe in "a time and place" for everything. I don't believe in actively hiding stuff about myself.

[Angela]

There are two reasons I keep certain things private:

1 -- There's another person involved for whom there would be consequences, and they either want to keep it private for whatever reasons, including fear-based ones, or they haven't given me permission to be open about it, OR

2 -- There's something that I'm working through for myself that I sense feedback, at this point, would interfere with rather than supporting me in. That's sometimes an unconscious indication rather than a conscious evaluation, but that doesn't necessarily mean a fear-based unconscious indication, although it could be.

If I'm actively hiding something as a primary resource for dealing with it, even if I don't recognize what I'm doing as being fear, chances are pretty good that there's an unconscious purpose of protecting myself going on. Is that fear, or just resourcelessness? Doesn't really matter, as far as I'm concerned -- it's an excellent flag that there's something important to learn there.

[VinceG]

There's one thing I can think of, if society expects you to keep it secret, there's no point in being forward with it. For example, you may be expected to keep your salary secret at the workplace. Doesn't matter to you whether other people know what you make, but you're still expected to keep mum.

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by ssandra

This question is about purposefully keeping things for yourself. Are there good reasons to do so, that are not fear based?

Is your reason for trying to find a way to do so fear based?

[ChrisGinsburg]

Originally Posted by ssandra

This is not a personal problem in my life btw. Just an interesting thought I had when I posted this...


I believe there is a difference between actively hiding stuff about yourself and simply not sharing everything with everyone.

I do believe in "a time and place" for everything. I don't believe in actively hiding stuff about myself.

Yes, of course. There is certainly a time and place for all discussions. Nothing wrong with that.

[Beingist]

Originally Posted by ssandra

This question is about purposefully keeping things for yourself. Are there good reasons to do so, that are not fear based?

Sure. How about, "not everyone needs to know" ?

[Prinie]

Respect. i go to a very catholic school and while I'm not someone who's even remotely fond of Catholicism, I don't share my dislike of the hypocrisy out of respect for those who go there and do believe in it.

[abcbac]

Yes because some things are just not appropriate at certain times. If you want to talk about sex life in front of your in laws and you are not scared, then good for you. I mean you wouldn't start dancing at a funeral.

[ssandra]

Thanks everyone! Interesting answers and insights and I agree mostly with most of you

(Like I said, this is a non issue for me in my life. I just thought about this and although I personally have reasons that are not fear based to actively not say things to certain people, I am completely happy and satisfied with the way I handle this.)

It is always interesting to hear how other people think about these things!

[CoolBee]

I was just wondering - when you say 'fear-based' do you mean imagined fear or real fear?

For example, here in Egypt, 'coming out' in the gay-sense could land you at the very least a beating from your family, possibly landing in jail with electrodes up your place where the sun don't shine because it's illegal. And in some other countries could land you a death sentence.

So, in that case, it's a very real fear of a very real potential consequence.

I do agree with most posters that keeping things to yourself or only to certain groups of friends or family is very appropriate and not necessarily fear-based.

[Verlan]

I agree with the reasons most posters brought up - excellent points!

Here's my list:

• If the question/request is inappropriate (for example if I perceive the person asking believes he/she is entitled to know). I guess you can call it setting healthy boundaries which ZephyrusX mentioned earlier.
• If I believe the person I'm talking to can't handle this information (would have a strongly negative response based on some personal issues) - I believe ZephyrusX also mentioned something similar. In some cases it might be worth working through our differences with that person, but most often I find it better to avoid such subjects.
• Self-definition: saying/not saying certain things depending on what kind of person I want to be

[RonSouther]

Originally Posted by ssandra

As the title says

Note: I am not talking about saying things that are not appropriate. For example, at Christmas Diner with my family in law, I won't start talking about my sex life.

However, I will also not feel ashamed if somehow the topic comes up, or they find out in whatever way possible. And then I will talk about it, if the timing about it is right.

This question is about purposefully keeping things for yourself. Are there good reasons to do so, that are not fear based?

Simply that most people won't see your heart. They will simply judge your actions based upon their limited vision of life.

[ssandra]

Originally Posted by RonSouther

Simply that most people won't see your heart. They will simply judge your actions based upon their limited vision of life.

If you keep more things secret then, won't it be even harder for them to see your heart?

You'll be judged anyway... personally I prefer to be judged on what is true and real, and not what is the fake me. Even if that judgment would be fake.

[supertom]

I think the obvious reason is that their not interested in it another would be its not the appropriate segment for that topic. I think overall if I i was concerned for their wellbeing I wouldn't tell them.

[Weaver]

Originally Posted by ssandra

Is there a reason to keep personal things private that is not fear based?

definitely yes. i myself keep things private because for some reason i actually enjoy it. i enjoy seeing people putting in the effort to try and get personal information out of me. i suppose i do it as a test to see how much someone likes me, like if they persist in getting to know me for long enough then that must mean they really like me and once i know someone likes me, i automatically like them and a new friendship begins.

I also enjoy the feeling of being mysterious, like how it is difficult to tell on this forum what gender or age i am. have fun figuring it out hmhmhm

[Angelique]

Yes, I believe so.

For instance, at times when I feel that the information wouldn't serve a great good, I generally don't share it.

Another reason is that mystery is fun.

[ButterflyWoman]

Originally Posted by ssandra

This question is about purposefully keeping things for yourself. Are there good reasons to do so, that are not fear based?

It depends. I have a lot of things that I generally don't tell people, but it's not because I'm ashamed or afraid, it's because it's nobody's business but my own!

Sometimes people keep secrets because they're afraid or ashamed, sure. But if you're neither of those things, there's still no reason you have to tell anyone anything that you don't particularly want to discuss with them. If someone asks me outright, I will usually give them a straightforward answer about almost any topic, but if I have no desire to discuss it, I'll just say, "I don't really want to talk about it," and that's because I don't really want to talk about it (at least with them).

For me, the question comes down to "Do I have to have a reason NOT to tell someone something personal?" And the answer is, "Of course not. I can keep my own counsel because that's what I choose to do."

I've realised that I honestly don't have anything I consider a "secret" any more. I've wanted to participate in PostSecret since I first discovered it years ago, but I really can't think of any secret to share, because I really haven't got any. Private stuff, sure, but none of it is secret...

[Affinity]

Originally Posted by ssandra

As the title says

This question is about purposefully keeping things for yourself. Are there good reasons to do so, that are not fear based?

One need wisdom to differentiate and act. and wisdom comes with experience and age. For some born-geniuses, it comes early. for the masses, it comes when ....

Remember the old saying...

Experience is a comb which nature gives us when we are bald.

[votoshka]

I suppose it depends what things you're keeping to yourself, and who you're keeping them from.

I keep a lot of myself private from most people. I don't feel a need to share every little thing about myself with everyone I know .

I do think there are some things it's important to share with your partner, or those you are really close to... but I see no need for complete transparency.

[lifetimelearner]

I don't know why but I thought of this movie when i saw this post
The Invention of Lying - Edward Norton Cameo - YouTube

[Promoman]

It depends. I keep to myself if I know the person or people I'm dealing with don't have anything to offer that's relevant but are quick to say something that's a potshot.

[Gabo]

I think the question really revolves around the principle of authenticity. When you keep something from someone, the implication is that you're doing it to hide that thing, which could imply you have a fear of having that thing known.

However, you could just as well explain to someone why you aren't going to tell them something, citing many of the above reasons, such as the negative feelings the other person might have if you share this thing with them.

As long as you are being authentic and honest about your reasons for not sharing with the person, and you understand those reasons, I don't believe your decision is based out of fear.

[jayenn]

I think that there are two motives to doing anything (including keeping something to yourself) and those are either to gain something positive for you or to avoid something negative for you. The avoidance of something negative for you is the same thing as what you're calling "fear based" so if you're asking if there's any other reason someone might keep something to themselves that's not fear based, that leaves the motive to gain something positive. Someone keeping something to themselves for the purpose of gaining something rather than avoiding something is definitely possible, for example if you decided to keep something from someone solely to gain their interest or to appear mysterious then I think the motive there would be personal gain rather than avoidance of negative (fear).