Secrets

[AidanMatthews216]

How do you deal with the pressure/frustration of keeping a large secret that you would rather reveal? I don't mean a secret a friend told you, that you have sworn to keep, but rather a personal secret that has to kept under wraps for whatever reason. I am in this situation and I really hate being forced to lie, fake, and keep quiet because of the possible consequences of telling my secret. I can tell it to certain specific people I trust--but there are extremely few such people in my life.

[Jenny]

Aidan,
I think this depends on what sort of secret you are talking about, what the consequences would be and why you are keeping it. Can you say a bit more?

[Dusty]

There will always be that constricting feeling your throat as long as you are not saying what needs to be said. It is a natural universal law. Actually, if you keep indirectly lying, you are bound to become numb. My guess is you probably have a hard time expressing yourself, creativity, and even though you might not admit it on here, you probably give your power away to others, manipulate...

Secrets make life so much harder. The solution to all of this? LIVE WITH INTEGRITY!!!

[AidanMatthews216]

Originally Posted by Jenny

Aidan,
I think this depends on what sort of secret you are talking about, what the consequences would be and why you are keeping it. Can you say a bit more?

I don't think I can get more specific about the nature of the secret without giving it away, but the consequences may include

a. others, including some of my friends, no longer respecting me
b. being kicked out of my conservatory
c. being forced to talk to a therapist
d. being considered a freak

[Jenny]

Well, could you speak with your parents and ask to see a therapist? From personal experience keeping a secret that ought to be told is a horrible way to live. It makes you numb to your own feelings, much easier to manipulate and take advantage of and it is easier to lie to yourself in all parts of your life. And sometimes, at least in my case, the people who I thought would suffer from my secret being told (1) had acted in a way that the natural consequence of their action would eventually be pain (2) the ones I loved found it much harder to try to understand my actions when they didn't know why then they did once they understood.

I would have to guess there are more options than the ones you are giving yourself. It isn't an all or nothing proposition. I don't see how any harm could come from you seeing and speaking honestly with a therapist and/or a school counselor. I always tell myself that one of the most important things to understand in life is the reality of a situation is the reality but life always gives you a little wiggle room - there are always at least three options to every problem, not the two we tend to focus in on. Try for a third, fourth or even fifth option in your thinking.

[JohnPlace]

It is very hard to give good advice without knowing the nature of the secret (which makes this sort of conversation very difficult). I will, however, offer this:

If keeping your secret endangers the welfare of yourself or another human being, you should tell an authority figure immediately.

[AidanMatthews216]

Originally Posted by Jenny

Well, could you speak with your parents and ask to see a therapist? From personal experience keeping a secret that ought to be told is a horrible way to live. It makes you numb to your own feelings, much easier to manipulate and take advantage of and it is easier to lie to yourself in all parts of your life. And sometimes, at least in my case, the people who I thought would suffer from my secret being told (1) had acted in a way that the natural consequence of their action would eventually be pain (2) the ones I loved found it much harder to try to understand my actions when they didn't know why then they did once they understood.

Well, I don't really feel like I need a therapist (although I would definitely be sent to one if I told my secret, which tells you something about it.) And how could I explain to my parents why I think I need a therapist?

Jenny, do you think I could tell you in a PM so that you can help me better? I would say on this forum, but I don't want my parents to stumble across it.

If keeping your secret endangers the welfare of yourself or another human being, you should tell an authority figure immediately.

It won't cause anybody to be harmed.

[Kamma]

I am guessing that you are quite young. As such your secret may actually not be so bad as you think. Will anyone be harmed by this secret? Are you only worried about how you will be perceived?
I'm sorry I cannot be of more help but without actually knowing my advice is limited.

[AidanMatthews216]

Originally Posted by Kamma

I am guessing that you are quite young. As such your secret may actually not be so bad as you think.

I can tell that it is because even adults find it necessary to keep things like this a secret. I'm sorry to keep dropping vague hints but it *is* a secret.

[Kamma]

Many adults don't think rationally either. Just because your age states that you should be an adult does mean mean that the thought processes are those of an adult.
I really wish I could help. have you actually told anyone yet? If so what was the reaction?

[Jenny]

Hey Aidan,
I'm around if you want to PM me.

[Shamou]

Hello AidanMatthews216...

If you need additional feedback on the "secret" you could always PM a moderator in this forum... they are mature and responsible people and they could certainly help you...

Good luck to you...

.

[AidanMatthews216]

Originally Posted by Kamma

I really wish I could help. have you actually told anyone yet? If so what was the reaction?

I have told a couple of people... they were a little shocked but still consider me a friend. (Actually, one was drunk and just asked a lot of dumb questions.)

[Lucas]

Originally Posted by AidanMatthews216

I have told a couple of people... they were a little shocked but still consider me a friend. (Actually, one was drunk and just asked a lot of dumb questions.)

So you're gay? Heh, I don't mean to be assuming or anything, but I have a load of gay friends, and all the stuff you are worried about, and especially this sentence make me think its something along these lines.

Gay or not, if this has something to do with being who you really are, then it doesn't matter the consequences. Its much more important to let your true self show, than worrying about who will still like you, what clubs you will still belong to, and if someone ELSE thinks something is wrong with you. In fact, a lot of my gay friends said that it was better after they came out, because the people who honestly didnt care about them, fell away from their life.

You can't stop who you are. Unless you aren't gay, then disregard my post. lol

[Kamma]

Originally Posted by Lucas

Gay or not, if this has something to do with being who you really are, then it doesn't matter the consequences. Its much more important to let your true self show, than worrying about who will still like you, what clubs you will still belong to, and if someone ELSE thinks something

I so agree with this statement. Even if taken out of the context of you being gay it makes so much sense. I hope you take this piece of advice into consideration.

[AidanMatthews216]

Originally Posted by Lucas

So you're gay? Heh, I don't mean to be assuming or anything, but I have a load of gay friends, and all the stuff you are worried about, and especially this sentence make me think its something along these lines.

I'm gay, but that's no secret.

Gay or not, if this has something to do with being who you really are, then it doesn't matter the consequences. Its much more important to let your true self show, than worrying about who will still like you, what clubs you will still belong to, and if someone ELSE thinks something is wrong with you. In fact, a lot of my gay friends said that it was better after they came out, because the people who honestly didnt care about them, fell away from their life.

I have thought about this and although it's indeed along those lines publicizing my secret is definitely not an option. Sorry that I can't be more specific.

Coming out as gay was peanuts. My last AP exam was harder.

You can't stop who you are.

I have such an excellent response to that that I totally can't respond with for the sake of secrecy. Darn.

One thing having secrets does is keeps you from being a smart aleck.

Any case, thank you all very much for your help. I don't know that this can go much of anywhere without telling my secret, but still I appreciate it. (This thing is beginning to sound like an accidental baby I need help raising. )

[AidanMatthews216]

Originally Posted by Kamma

I so agree with this statement. Even if taken out of the context of you being gay it makes so much sense. I hope you take this piece of advice into consideration.

With all due respect, that's easier to say when you don't live with your parents.

[Lychee]

You know your friends best, including the consequences that revealing such a secret will have on you. I suggest keeping it in for little bit longer and then deciding with a clear head whether or not you should reveal it. Do you want to reveal the secret because it would make life simply easier, or that it will help you in someway by doing so?

[Tasaio]

Hi Aidan,

Originally Posted by AidanMatthews216

I would say on this forum, but I don't want my parents to stumble across it.

I googled your name, but nothing led here. As long as you clear your private data, you should be fine.

I don't think I can get more specific about the nature of the secret without giving it away, but the consequences may include

a. others, including some of my friends, no longer respecting me
b. being kicked out of my conservatory
c. being forced to talk to a therapist
d. being considered a freak

Have you searched for your secret online? There are probably other people with the same problem.

If it's something illegal (child pornography) or harmful to yourself (suicide) then I recommend talking to a therapist.

Originally Posted by AidanMatthews216

It won't cause anybody to be harmed.

It sounds like it isn't either of the above.

I'll take a shot--is it a sexual fetish? If so, then I can guarantee there are other, "wierder" people out there.

There was a poster, VeryLostSoul, from some months ago. He had two fetishes, scat and pedophilia.

There are good replies about dealing with fetishes in his first thread, about scat:

Very bad sexual fetish I have...

- - -

The other thought that crossed my mind was that of cheating, or plagiarism.

If that's the case, I recommend that you make a thread about that topic. Nobody's going to condemn you--this place is about personal growth.

- - -

In any case, you're very articulate and mature for your age. No matter what your secret may be, I and many others will still respect you.

Feel free to PM me, if you need someone to talk to. Take care, and good luck.

Tasaio

[AidanMatthews216]

Originally Posted by Tasaio

Feel free to PM me, if you need someone to talk to. Take care, and good luck.

Tasaio

Thank you!

Hmmm... I need to think about whether to say on this forum; it would be helpful if all of you knew rather than just those I PMed. But I do need to be careful. I keep my private history cleared, but I still worry about somebody I know stumbling across this.

I'm guessing that it's probably okay here but I want to think it over.

[AidanMatthews216]

Originally Posted by Tasaio

I googled your name, but nothing led here. As long as you clear your private data, you should be fine.

You're right. So screw it...

I'll take a shot--is it a sexual fetish? If so, then I can guarantee there are other, "wierder" people out there.

There was a poster, VeryLostSoul, from some months ago. He had two fetishes, scat and pedophilia.

Try the second one. Although I don't consider it a fetish; rather an orientation. I feel no guilt related to it as it sounds like VeryLostSoul does; it is mostly the stress of keeping it a secret (as you can see that stress is not always necessary) that bothers me.

Have you searched for your secret online? There are probably other people with the same problem.

Yes, there certainly are. And they're helpful, especially, if you've heard of it, Lindsay Ashford's website "The Human Face of Pedophilia."

I feel a little odd posting this on a non-BL (boylove) forum, but I decided it was the best thing, to allow you all to help me.

[Tasaio]

Originally Posted by AidanMatthews216

You're right. So screw it...



Try the second one. Although I don't consider it a fetish; rather an orientation. I feel no guilt related to it as it sounds like VeryLostSoul does; it is mostly the stress of keeping it a secret (as you can see that stress is not always necessary) that bothers me.



Yes, there certainly are. And they're helpful, especially, if you've heard of it, Lindsay Ashford's website "The Human Face of Pedophilia."

I feel a little odd posting this on a non-BL (boylove) forum, but I decided it was the best thing, to allow you all to help me.

Hi Aidan,

Sorry it took so long to get back to you.

I've looked into this Lindasy Ashford, and I agree with a lot of his postulates.

I don't share your orientation -- but I once had a girlfriend who did. That's why I feel so strongly about helping these people.

She had just seen a movie called "The Blue Lagoon", about two children who are stranded on an island -- and, through trial and error, become lovers.

When she told me that the young age of the lovers was "titillating", it led to a conversation wherein she discussed her own orientation.

She was adamant that people with her orientation should never become sexually involved with a child. I very much agree with her.

For the record, I don't know anything about your situation.

I don't know if you're involved with a minor, or if you've looked up child pornography.

If either of the above is true, then I recommend that you stop, for legal reasons at least.

* * *

The following is my girlfriend's take. I don't know if it applies to you.

She felt that the attraction was purely physical...sexual. There was no emotional attraction to children. (No attraction to the "innocence" that Ashford mentions.)

Would you say that your attraction is mostly physical, or emotional?

[Matthew Shea]

I can see why you've been keeping this secret, Aidan. That's certainly one topic that people get VERY judgemental about. There could even be legal consequences and you could end up on a sexual offenders list. Hopefully this forum will avoid that, though.

The first thing I'd caution you about is that, by indulging this "orientation" as you put it, you're supporting an industry that causes some very real harm to our young ones. The material you see online is very often just the tip of the iceberg compared to what goes on behind the scenes, to put it mildly. Secondly, you're running a grave risk of falling down a slippery slope. Viewing images online may very well translate into a strong desire to indulge this sexuality in real life with all the attendant consequences. Third, keep in mind that the cops are out there. I hear stories in my local media all the time about people being prosecuted for this, sometimes merely for possessing images, nothing more. I know of a local priest that served 18 months probation and permanently lost his ministry merely for possessing images. Everyone agreed that there was no evidence any real kids were ever involved. He was discovered when a computer tech stumbled upon his collection. The laws have actually since changed and now he would have served jail time as a felon.

Having covered the consequences, I have a suggestion. Is there anything else that really turns you on? Even if it's a bit wierd or even downright freaky, if you can focus your energy on something, anything that involves consenting adults, you'll pull yourself out of a lot of potential trouble.

Finally, I wish you the best of luck dealing with this. Please remain strong. If you decide to come out about this, remember that things happen for a reason. If you're smart about it and reveal this to trustworthy people in your life that can help, you'll come out ahead.

[AidanMatthews216]

Originally Posted by Tasaio

If either of the above is true, then I recommend that you stop, for legal reasons at least.

Neither is true.

Would you say that your attraction is mostly physical, or emotional?

A lot of both. It depends on the age, with the older range being mostly physical attraction and the youngest being mostly emotional. I am both sexually attracted to children, and I strongly want to love and teach them. If I had to choose between the two, I would choose simply to love them and do what's best for them.

Originally Posted by Matthew Shea

There could even be legal consequences and you could end up on a sexual offenders list. Hopefully this forum will avoid that, though.

Thankfully, being a pedophile isn't a crime yet.

The first thing I'd caution you about is that, by indulging this "orientation" as you put it, you're supporting an industry that causes some very real harm to our young ones. The material you see online is very often just the tip of the iceberg compared to what goes on behind the scenes, to put it mildly. Secondly, you're running a grave risk of falling down a slippery slope. Viewing images online may very well translate into a strong desire to indulge this sexuality in real life with all the attendant consequences. Third, keep in mind that the cops are out there. I hear stories in my local media all the time about people being prosecuted for this, sometimes merely for possessing images, nothing more. I know of a local priest that served 18 months probation and permanently lost his ministry merely for possessing images. Everyone agreed that there was no evidence any real kids were ever involved. He was discovered when a computer tech stumbled upon his collection. The laws have actually since changed and now he would have served jail time as a felon.

I would never view or possess child porn. I would also never cross that line with a child, because if I were caught it would hurt both the child and myself.

Having covered the consequences, I have a suggestion. Is there anything else that really turns you on? Even if it's a bit wierd or even downright freaky, if you can focus your energy on something, anything that involves consenting adults, you'll pull yourself out of a lot of potential trouble.

There really isn't. Adults aren't attractive to me in the least. I have no "fetishes" or alternative ways to get turned on.

Finally, I wish you the best of luck dealing with this. Please remain strong. If you decide to come out about this, remember that things happen for a reason. If you're smart about it and reveal this to trustworthy people in your life that can help, you'll come out ahead.

Thanks. I have revealed it to a few people already who have been very supportive (this forum included.)

[Kamma]

Well done for finally posting and explaining your "secret". I have no experience of anyone with your tendencies but I am rather pleased that you have thought it all through and you understand yourself. I understand that maybe you cannot tell all about this and I have to say that there are many things that all of us do not discuss out in the open. I wonder what makes you feel that you need to tell all about this? Certainly your close friends you may want to but I wouldn't think that this would be something you would tell all rather the same as I would not discuss my sex life or fantasies with everyone.

I wish you the very best. Take care

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I think it took quite a lot of courage to post your secret here. I can understand why you were so reluctant given the nature of the secret. I cannot say I understand how you feel. And if I am completely honest I cannot say I "approve" in the sense that I do think acting on these impulses would be wrong. Regardless, I would like to say good for you for working through this so thoughtfully. I can't imagine having to deal with something of this nature which is generally not tolerated by society at large (not that I can speak for society of course). I think that some of the other posters were right, this would probably not be a good party discussion topic, rather something you share with only the most trusted friends. I cannot say I would know how to respond if someone in my life divulged this to me. Being someone who has worked extensively with children, and personally knowing one child who was sexually abused, my first instinct would be to warn of the danger to the child...not only if you get caught like you said, but just from the act itself. It seems you understand this and do not wish to harm any child. Your desire to do what is best for them would I think preclude acting on your impulses. I would say tread lightly. I hope I have not offended you. That was not my intention at all.

[Matthew Shea]

Thanks for the clarification, Aidan. It's reassuring that you appear to not let this desire overwhelm your logical brain. I'm honestly at a loss to suggest anything further, but as a father myself, I certainly hope that you get all the support you need and are successful in dealing with this. The only thing I can suggest is that you may not want to be so quick to rule out therapy. Perhaps the most valuable way to deal with this issue is to understand why you feel as you do and a good counselor or psycologist could help you with that understanding in a confidential setting. I'm not suggesting there's something wrong with you, per se, only that we, as humans, grow accustomed to ourselves, which can sometimes blind us to what might be right in front of our nose. It might take an outside perspective to open our eyes and if that outside perspective has a good knowledge of the human brain and makes a career out of it, their opinion becomes that much more valuable.

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by AidanMatthews216

Neither is true.
Thanks. I have revealed it to a few people already who have been very supportive (this forum included.)

That post took a lot of courage to post... my hat goes off to you...

.

[Brutha]

I would recommend you to delete this thread after it has died sometime in the future.

I would recommend NLP or EFT if you want to remove those desires (by seeking a qualified practitioner).

[openeyes]

I’m glad that you don’t feel a need to indulge your desires with kids. Current society isn’t equipped for such acts to be carried out healthfully, and thus it’s more socially functional to sublimate such desires.

I’m bi and haven’t experienced attraction to kids, but did experience being the kid on the physical end myself. Perhaps as a result, I’ve always been oriented toward older people (though I’ve worked in some people closer to my age as they’ve matured). Barring physical harm, I think the main issue is social acceptance. Going through court or being told what one experienced was wrong can be emotionally devastating (I never had to deal with the courts for that).

It can also be difficult to become used to sexuality at an early age and then not have a healthy outlet for it until reaching adulthood. I literally have no more than two memories before I lost my virginity around age three or four. It hurt my friendships for a long time to be used to behaving sexually when so few other people my age had awoken in that sense yet. Learning to “just be friends” is a work in progress for me, though with my current set of wonderfully affectionate friends it isn’t nearly so much of an issue anymore.

In an earlier time, among different societies, having an older mentor often included a sexual component (think ancient Greece). Even among many Native American tribes, it was acceptable for a 40 year old man to be with an 8 year old boy provided he helped support him. There was no mental harm in it, and the parents were happy for the help. One of my favorite books on sexuality (Spirit and the Flesh: Sexual Diversity in American Indian Culture) gets into the cultural component of this.