Holding back vs Fear of taking action. Help me, please.

[LittleArtist]

Hi Everyone. I have a little problem. Im not toooo sure how to go about...

I don't want to be someone who is too much etc....

I don't want to be boasty, or pushy, or come across like any of these things at all.... I don't want to open up or give too much either....

In the past I did, and I sometimes ended up regretting so many things I did, said, and behaved, that I developed this thing in me where I would no longer step out, and I kept everything in until I had sorted out my stuff.

I had heaps of trouble with depression moods etc, and when Id step out, do or say things, they would usually tend to be irrational, negative, causing problems, or something of the like. It made me so angry each time I did this because I knew I had problems. And I hated how that left me feeling.....Unhappy, abandoned and rejected...

I feel now I've developed this thing in me where I refuse to step out.....

(even though now time has passed, and I have tremendously worked on these things and iI know I am much much improved and probably even ready to now show people who I am, and who I've grown into.....I wont)
I really feel like I've slammed that way of being into me....and now that things are different.....Im still here hiding and its hindering me...

For eg... Im too scared to step out, be funny if I feel like it, say or do something, because Im scared of a bad reaction and so used to one from the past....

I find it hard to make decisions because of this....scared to step out meet people so will hold back, but another part of me really know I need to step out to meet people, BUt I just don't want to go to far, or have too much, or anything like this.

I don't want to be overloaded overwhelmed or have expectations of me. Etc.

Im looking to make a few little friends, but not too many, Im not a highly highly social person.....

I can feel Im hiding away too much when the original reasons for doing this are probably gone now, but Im still doing it.

I'll give some more examples.

Eg...I am working towards a modelling career.... I've been working on some portfolio pictures, meeting people, getting out there etc.....

But I'm continually running into some problems....

From past bad experiences with certain photographers due to bad choices and unknowingness ( naivety on my end at the time) it has created an apprehension in me now....a brick wall, which is blocking the photographer or whom ever it might be, from really seeing me.....therefore, changing entire outcomes not showing them this little spark I know i have... Im so scared and can only show it to people real close, even then Im still not even showing THEM fully who I am. Its like ive grown and developed underneath, but i haven't opened the lid yet.


Then when I do finally do the shots..... Im scared to show them to people because I don't want to come across as boasty, but at the same time really want to show them...am I Boasty wanting to show these?

Another area this is really affecting is my social life as mentioned before....
Ill completely hold back something I might want to do, or say, so worried ill be judged....yet, every time I do this, Im just hiding my self away. Only showing 20% of who I really am....
Its so hard....Those years of messing up were rotten, I lost everything, and everyone due to that depression_ including myself.....and I really don't want to do anything that will ruin or wreck progress or put myself in a rotten position.But now I'm denying myself of even being, scared to step out even one hair, so fearful of this happening again......it is so confusing..
So how do I know when to take a step forward and when to not and just lay low....

it is crazy, I am SO cautious hesitant, and am holding back I feel WAY more than what I should and for LONGER than I should.....Help guys, I really hope you can understand my dilema here of just not knowing what action to take due to fears from the past etc now conflicting with pains of being alone due to this....I need to find a balance.....How do I know when it's ok to talk...if Im okay, my responses are okay etc....its so confusing....I just don't know If Im way beyond ready and have just been holding back all this time from fear, or if I actually to need to keep on going, working on myself....all I know is, Im kind of lonely, angry golding so much in, not even a smile, a laugh or a funny little joke....if I hear something on the radio I might want to dance, but I wont, scared ill look or be thought of as dumb.

I am, Im super self conscious, and my past and how that has conditioned my beliefs now, the way I interpreted these events, hasn't helped...

Im really scared Im going to loose opportunities being so closed....but I'm also scared ill step over the line if I step out too much.

Thank you for Reading this.

LA


P.s How do I check my post to see if I have Replies?

[LittleArtist]

Ps. Because I also like the idea of things being now, a bit of a surprise...a wait and see.....and then boom there it is and everyone gets a surprise ( regarding my art etc because I was always seen as messed up etc from the depression)...

BUT I also know I need to show a little bit to be seen and grow and be give opportunities....


I emailed the pictures to my family, is this being self centred....I don't want to be self centred...
I like the idea of the humble, modest character....the quiet achiever....

so what do I do?
Is it oo much me going "hey here are some picture of a shoot a done" I mean that's no humble quite achiever......its a bit look at me, or is it?

I need to see what others think of my view on this, and the view on this in general. My ideas and views of this might be completely twisted and distorted...
Any opinion views... are really appreciated...I don't have anyone to talk too. Im kind of all alone up here, so this is it and Im going to use this Forum well to get the help I need and Communicate with others.
So there you have it.
Thank you.

[teps]

Hi LittleArtist!

I think the key here is to find a healthy balance between being open and being reserved The fact that you're feeling super self-conscious means you're way too reserved. You need to start re-opening up to people close to you. Choose the people you trust the most, and tell them about your thoughts and problems. Share your feelings! And also, you need to learn not to be afraid of people's reactions, since if you want to live a happy life, you need to experience all kinds of strong emotions, which includes the possible feeling of being resented.

I'm dealing with the same kind of openness "problems", but yeah, I guess we all find out by trial and error how open we should be with different kinds of people.

All the best,
Martin

[RonSouther]

Fear Self Help!