|11-28-2011, 10:48 PM||#1 (permalink)|
Join Date: Aug 2011
I just wrote an entire 2 page thread and then accidentally hit something and it was all lost.... now I'm slightly more angry. But after writing out that entire thing I feel less of a need to vent. Still I'm going to vent some. I realize that I'm less mature than I thought I was.
The girl on my team that I really like is still driving me insane. She's ignored my last 4 texts completely when she used to text me a lot.... and in person she's a really cool person/is nice to me. I hate the lack of communication.
More than anything I hate the power struggle that is social situations.... I feel such a need to be heard... I have so much anger inside. All my life I've been taught that showing anger is so unacceptable. My mom was very loving and nurturing, my dad was the same way... he was a great dad.. but he was depressed. I think he suppressed his anger too... I just don't know how to deal with it. I'm so ♥♥♥♥ing tired of feeling emasculated by dumber, but more confident, manly men. Can anyone relate to that? ♥♥♥♥.
I'm tired of using laughter as my standard for self worth... but there is some truth... spontaneous laughter is the ultimate expression of joy it seems. I ♥♥♥♥ing hate how the girl I like can laugh at some guys REALLY stupid joke that is only funny because he says it confidently. I don't want to participate in the social power struggle for fear of turning into that guy, and my brother, who's stolen the spotlight from me my entire life. I feel like I love this girl... but I know it's just infatuation, obsession, cathexis, lust... a crush. But more than anything, deep frustration. Because I can't have what I want. I've always felt left out of the loop... my closest friend ever, was in 7th and 8th grade, and I still wouldn't say I was myself around him 100%. I'm realizing now that anger is normal. But something still holds me back from completely letting go... and not caring about the judgement of others. For some reason I have the belief that if I'm myself, people will think I'm arrogant, and self absorbed...... when really I care deeply about the well being of other people.
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