No Ego and too sensitive

[nistacular]

I'm just now starting to realize how much of what people say is just based off their ego that they've developed throughout their life. This is incredibly frustrating to realize... like so much of my life I'd take everything so personally. Why? Because I don't feel like I ever truly developed an ego. Every time I tried I would end up getting hurt because no one supported it. I'm overly sensitive, and don't talk often. Recently, mostly because of my job I've started talking more, but I feel so fake... I tried keeping this up for the last couple months. But now I feel rather depressed. Maybe I'm just not talkative.

It's like... some divine being was playing a joke on me, making me incredibly sensitive, empathetic, and connected to people, but yet making me feel bad whenever I talk.

As of a couple days ago, I remembered how I used to be, not all that talkative, but I was a deep thinker... now I feel a lot more wrapped up in other people's opinions and feelings, and I don't think as clearly anymore. I started to realize it's OKAY to not always be present in the moment. It's OKAY to take shelter in your thoughts. There's a great quote by Carnegie that talks about happiness: "It isn't what you have, or who you are, or where you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about.". The biggest change that I've gone through has to do with what I think about... I take everything so personally, I don't know what people want from me. At the same time I try to hide the fact that I take it personally, and answer it logically.

Is the answer found in returning to the way I was as a child, deep thinker, but not always present in the moment?

I thought I was done with this crap earlier in my teens (I'm 19), but it seems like it's just getting started. Again, the worst part is that I don't feel like I have an ego, and so I hardly talk... I wish badly, more than anything in my life, that I could just have friends to depend on, one's that accepted everything about me. But I can't make friends if I don't know how to speak without taking things personally.

I feel so lost, please help.

[RonSouther]

Your ego did develop...that's why you're consumed about the opinions of others.

That people can't accept you as you are is because they need to put you down so that their egos can feel superior. That hurts because you were looking to love and share and people are just wrapped up in themselves.

But in your way, you are too, because you're trying to find acceptance in them when all the acceptance you need to find is in yourself. If you're happy in your own skin, what need is there to have others say they like you?

You answered your own question in your question....

I'm just now starting to realize how much of what people say is just based off their ego that they've developed throughout their life. This is incredibly frustrating to realize... like so much of my life I'd take everything so personally.

Their egos are not supporting your ego. And you must be doing a poor job propping them up which is their non-acceptance of you.

I wouldn't take Carnegie as a guru. His work is about playing ego games to win friends.

[nistacular]

I just feel like I'm getting weaker... I remember some time back in my childhood, when people would make fun of me, I actually just blocked it out, I didn't defend myself, I ignored them. But in doing so, I saw them as less than human, not even worthy of response. That's what I thought anyway... but maybe subconsciously it affected me more than I thought. I just didn't know what to respond to them with, because their words weren't logical to me... I knew their intention was to poke fun at me... but what was I to say? For instance, on the bus, I remember these kids just saying random ♥♥♥♥, and afterward would say "oh you got told!" when I wouldn't say anything back. I remember saying something like "what do you mean? Of course you were talking to me, no ♥♥♥♥". And then they would make fun of me more for not understanding, even though I knew exactly what they were trying to do... they were just trying to get a reaction out of me, get me pissed off... I just didn't understand what was actually going on in their heads. And maybe I still don't.

I feel like I am misinterpreting everything now, like I'm in some sort of psychosis. It's not that people are trying to be mean to me... everyone has good intentions here. I know this consciously. But yet I somehow put myself through the worst mental anguish... especially when this one girl that I like doesn't respond to my texts and stupid stuff like that.

I haven't had any friends in so long, that when I get friends, I get really needy, and attached. I don't know how to just chill and be content. Sometimes I can enjoy myself, but when I do, I interpret it as an expression of love, instead of internal happiness. And then I sap it up, and want more and more and more of it...

I hate my sensitivity so much. I honestly think this is how most people become clinically depressed - they hurt so much emotionally, that they just decided to block it out, and they're left with apathy. Luckily I've already learned the hard way it's better to be frustrated, jealous, angry, or sad than apathetic.

To respond to your comments - maybe I'm not happy in my own skin. I still wouldn't say I know 'who I am'. Also, how do you go about 'propping them up'. I always thought that being nice to people was like, the SAFE way to do that, but I still don't feel accepted.

To sum up, I'm afraid of myself. And I know this... I'm afraid that who I am won't ever live up to people's expectations. That I have deeply ingrained characteristics that will always be socially unacceptable. I just don't have any clue as to how to get past this, and be myself anyway.

An example - I'm crying a little right now - and I know that if my dad knocked on the door, I'd try to hide my emotions, like I'm ashamed of my weakness. Thinking about this makes me afraid that he will do that. I've had the hardest time expressing negative emotions in the presence of others....

Sorry for the long post... it helps just to write this, but makes me feel very sad at the same time.

[RonSouther]

On sensitivity, I see that as part of your capacity to be highly intelligent and creative. To me, it means you sense more of the world that the average person and to me that means you can see deeper into life than the average person. That capability is unrelateable to most people, but that's their problem. On your end it's a blessing that opens up the riches of life to you!

Take some time to read this if you haven't. It's my journey from wondering why I don't fit in the crowd to seeing that I can't fit in the crowd, not because something is wrong with me but because of this sensitivity thing that gives me a different picture of life than the crowd sees. I'm simply not interested in pop culture.

My ADHD Self Help, Self Healing Story

Then please take the time to watch Sean Blackwell's Bipolar video...don't worry about it being about bipolar because most all of the info everyone can relate to. bipolarorwakingup

Both my story and Sean's story reflect profound realizations.

Your issue isn't that something is wrong with you (nothing that awareness can't fix - bringing light into darkness), but to see that the dynamic between you and society at large is creating these miscues. We are trying to understand the big picture and the big picture is NOT you being some kind of mentally handicapped pigmy.

The big picture is that nobody loves themselves and everyone is trying to get love from others, who don't love themselves. The place to start to fix this is your own self-acceptance issues, and to do that you have to find out how you went from an intelligent spontaneous confident little boy to your current state of being.

The path out of your situation is simply the opposite direction of your path in.

Over time you became more and more concerned about the opinions of others and with self acceptance, would the opinions of others even matter? If you're already happy then why difference will it make if someone doesn't get you? You'll also see in others their inability to love themselves and when someone like that judges you, then you will know where that is coming from....their own need to feel good at your expense. You won't judge them back but feel compassion for them.

Here's one more link that I love...about letting go...the day you can accept yourself truly, this quote will speak for you... Letting Go

Your issue is mental! That's the good news because it's easy to fix, not with a mind game but with a deeper understanding.

[RonSouther]

You will feel weaker the deeper into logic that you go. Your mind will keep coming up with so many ideas and you won't know which one to try. And if you're afraid to fail, then the fear will keep you stuck with a head full of ideas and no solution to your problem....a problem that you will still be in your mind trying to figure out.

[RonSouther]

You're going to have to do this the hard way...You won't be able to solve your acceptance issues with the crowd.

You're going to have to travel inside yourself to fix your self-acceptance issue. You're going to have to find out who you are.

[nothuman]

maybe I'm not happy in my own skin

Heres my biggest lesson so far this lifetime...self acceptance. You don't need to get hung up on what is you and what is not ...just have it all. It takes far less energy than resistance for far greater results. Make a fool of yourself, be quiet, jump about....everybody else is too busy to notice and if they do notice something bright and shiny will grab their attention soon enough anyway.

I never forgot a story I heard once about the Gods dilliberating where to hide the grail so as man would never find it.......after much inquiry they realized the one place he would never look was inside himself. Look there and the confusion will start to fall away.

[wstein]

Originally Posted by RonSouther

Your ego did develop

I agree here. Part of the effect of the ego state is being caught up in what others are doing.

What you are labeling ‘sensitive’ may also clarity for the non-ego state or emotional interdependence for the ego state.

Originally Posted by nistacular

Is the answer found in returning to the way I was as a child, deep thinker, but not always present in the moment?

This comes down to personal choice:

Personally, I like the egoless state and the peace and clarity it brings. On the downside, its very hard to ‘fit in’ with human society. Learning to ‘fake it’ took me 20 years.

Others like the dynamic surges that the ego brings. Their feeling are amplified and that makes them more alive and at times more important. On the downside, both ‘good’ and ‘bad’ feelings are amplified, one is greatly affected by what others do, and it becomes really difficult to understand what is really going on (lack of clarity).

P.S. yes, most people are in the ego state

[nistacular]

I think what really spurred some of this personal growth for me was my move to Detroit. Everyone here it seems has such boisterous personalities - and seems to be a sign of self love. But as I work with the people on my team more and more I'm realizing that's just their ego... because now people are much more mellow or even depressed. I'm actually much happier than most of them I think. It's been very interesting for me, comparing the cultures of Detroit and East Lansing (where I lived from age 9-18).

My point is, it really let me look at the ego from a distance. When I say I never developed an ego, what I mean is, I only partially developed one. Because when I was in EL, I was never very happy, but never very sad, and always very mellow. Now that I'm here, everyone seems to be bursting with energy, to try to convey their internal happiness which is often not even present. And now I realize that ego is necessary sometimes - so I started to talk more and with practice, this sort of opened up to me what my ego SHOULD have been - I often realized that in EL although I was usually speaking from the heart, I was always in a constant state of minor annoyance, but other people thought that was just me. This wasn't the happy spontaneous thoughtful person I should be. That person existed in my childhood, yes, but even further into my past - like when I lived in Maryland and the first few years of EL. After that my social problems just grew and grew and grew.

Thanks to you guys, and the fact that now I'm back in EL for thanksgiving, I feel like I've made major headway in what it means to be happy and accepted. I've started to dig into my past and start to figure out some of this stuff... I'm so tired of spending so much timing feeling negative emotions (who isn't?). EDIT: I've also felt this way plenty of times before.... I just hope it sticks this time. As you said, it's deeper understanding that let's you move forward, and I think I'm at least on the right track

Thanks so much!!!!

Also Ron, I read those stories. Yours very much parallels my own struggles, especially with school. However one small change: my brother is also like this, but perhaps even more so. Have you ever run into someone more ADHD, with more of this gift than yourself? That's the kind of thing that makes your ego want to develop. I realized that I was actually jealous of my brother for something that society shuns! But of course it's a gift in so many ways! That to me though, is one of the worst feelings, when you feel like you know that someone has more self love than yourself, and is more carefree and loving life. And even more intelligent in some ways. The existence of my brother killed my confidence to some degree because I simply did not feel like a unique individual. So, I got better at random ♥♥♥♥, and sure he got jealous of my abilities, but it didn't make me any happier .

Sean's story is quite interesting too, I wish I had an ego collapse for my own good. But I'm not as worried anymore, I feel like I'm slowly dragging myself out of the mental swamp that's been slowly my trek through life.

@wstein that's really interesting - about the ego and egoless states. I've actually started to appreciate the ego state sometimes - it feels like you have emotional armor on, and can falsely increase your self worth at times (as you said). I actually, consciously, despise the ego, but I'm learning to survive with people that are always in the ego state, and it's becoming a part of me to some degree. I think it's about finding a nice balance. I just wish it didn't have to exist.

[RonSouther]

Originally Posted by nistacular

Also Ron, I read those stories. Yours very much parallels my own struggles, especially with school. However one small change: my brother is also like this, but perhaps even more so. Have you ever run into someone more ADHD, with more of this gift than yourself? That's the kind of thing that makes your ego want to develop. I realized that I was actually jealous of my brother for something that society shuns! But of course it's a gift in so many ways! That to me though, is one of the worst feelings, when you feel like you know that someone has more self love than yourself, and is more carefree and loving life. And even more intelligent in some ways. The existence of my brother killed my confidence to some degree because I simply did not feel like a unique individual. So, I got better at random ♥♥♥♥, and sure he got jealous of my abilities, but it didn't make me any happier .

Sean's story is quite interesting too, I wish I had an ego collapse for my own good. But I'm not as worried anymore, I feel like I'm slowly dragging myself out of the mental swamp that's been slowly my trek through life.
.

After this awakening to ADD ADHD, I was able to pretty much instantly recognize someone on the same wavelength as me. In a matter of a few minutes, it becomes really clear to me.

With these similar people, inside me I can feel a deep relaxation and when I share, it's nearly effortless. Much of the communication is non-verbal....just a look in the eye and I can see the other person got my meaning. There's no funny looks anymore. The randomness is fun! It's like being a kid again, enjoying life.

I don't see any downside to ADHD that doesn't exist in everyone. Culture isn't about anything other than perpetuated itself....it's about first mentally breeding traditions and superstitions into the next generation and that hurts all of us. But for ADHD and bipolar people, that are the hardest to "mold" mentally, we are the ones being crucified for not taking our assigned place in the culture.

We'd rather enjoy life!

[nistacular]

Damn culture for their conformism lol. I've always been such a non-conformist. The last time I felt I had close friends, they ended up moving apart from me because I felt the need to talk about my strong opinions all the time, which were totally against their conformed (ignorant imo) opinions. It didn't bother me at the time, because I just took comfort in the thought that I was right... but it was after they were gone that I thought "oh hey... maybe they know something about this whole being happy business that I don't". Now I can just look back at the whole thing and laugh. Lol - a life tip - being right doesn't make people like you haha.

My biggest problem though, that still exists, has to be my inconsistency. Maybe it's just because I'm still a young adult, experiencing mood changes, etc.

[nistacular]

Also I know what you mean about them being on the same wavelength... just most people now-a-days lose that pure spontaneity, at least with new people they meet. I feel like I'm losing it to my newly developing ego. I hope to have it back one day... or maybe I don't truly have ADD.

[RonSouther]

Originally Posted by nistacular

Also I know what you mean about them being on the same wavelength... just most people now-a-days lose that pure spontaneity, at least with new people they meet. I feel like I'm losing it to my newly developing ego. I hope to have it back one day... or maybe I don't truly have ADD.

You're intelligent....nothing is wrong that a deeper understanding can't fix. Once you can see where these labels come from, you won't wonder if you have something or not. You will simply enjoy your qualities, work towards a life harmonious with your talents and whoever has a problem with you being you can take a hike because that is their problem that they are so judgmental.

[nistacular]

The thing that I don't like... is the people I would potentially want to be friends with, but I can't because they are caught up in their own ego. They have their emotional armor on, and don't want to let anyone, even someone who they could trust (like myself), see their true colors. Like I didn't think it was possible to not be able to connect with people on some sort of deep level, but I'm realizing it's beyond your control sometimes... I've gotten to know people this year that I KNOW are very creative, intelligent, and passionate. But they hide this, and it's tragic. Everything in the world happens so fast, people have little time for other people sometimes... and yet I find myself getting caught up in my own ego, I'm learning to play the game.

I'm just afraid that the culture, at least in the US is changing so much, that it'll be more difficult to find any form of intimacy...

Also it doesn't help that I've always had at least some difficulty expressing strong emotions of any sort (joy or sadness) around others. These are things I wish I could share with others - but I should be able to work on that...

Btw, I'm reading Intimacy by Osho good book so far.

[RonSouther]

You're in the 1% of people....you're a seeker....welcome to an exciting and arduous journey of sorting out all this crap so that you can just be you!