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| Emotional Mastery Emotional intelligence, addiction and recovery, grieving, loss, fear, anger, guilt, resentment, frustration, anxiety, depression, happiness, joy, love, kindness, forgiveness, self-acceptance, confidence, escaping the pit of despair, EFT |
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11-19-2011, 02:59 PM
| #1 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 4
 |  My fiancé passed away
Tuesday morning I woke up early to get ready for work. When I woke up my fiancé wasn't in the bed with me. I got up and found him lying on the floor in the dining room. At first I thought he was just asleep. I tried waking him up but he wouldn't wake up. I was so scared. I ran to our roommates door and banged on her door. I told her there is something wrong with him! She ran out and started performing CPR. She is a certified nurse assistant. I called 911 and they came. They rushed him to the hospital and he was pronounced DOA. He was 25 years old and I am 26. They told me his heart stopped they think it was a heart attack. We have been together 4 years. We have gone through a lot together. He was my best friend! I have never felt like this my entire life. Its a feeling beyond pain, anger, and sadness. My whole body hurts and I feel like I just left the planet that day. I cried for so long I can't really cry anymore. The next day on wednesday I woke up so angry, then I just cried so hard. In my mind I was hoping it was all a bad dream and I would awake next to him. It was real and I had to deal with it. Everyone just tells me they're sorry for my loss. They say they can't even imagine what I am going through. Its starting to make me really angry when people come and say these words. I just want someone to say something uplifting. Something that means something. Something I can use to heal. Peace and love |
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11-19-2011, 03:08 PM
| #3 (permalink) | ||
| Family Member Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Down the infinite rabbit hole
Posts: 1,575
 |  Quote:
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I wish you healing, and peace. | ||
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11-19-2011, 05:07 PM
| #5 (permalink) |
| Legendary Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Georgia
Posts: 11,359
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the problem is people don't know what to say and they are conditioned to say those exact words "I am sorry for your loss " I am sure that there is a lot of sincerity behind their words and as ButterflyWoman said anger is a natural part of the grief process I leave with big hugs and a quote - "Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy."~Eskimo legend |
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11-19-2011, 05:38 PM
| #6 (permalink) | ||
| Family Member Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,400
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Something uplifting isn't possible now except to feel the love of those around you. Now is the time to experience life. No head games to escape, ok?  Please allow your grief, tears, and reflection.....express your emotions like you are here. Don't repress anything. Welcome your tears as a cleansing. You're equipped to self-heal so what I'm suggesting is to allow the healing process to work it's magic on you. Write a journal, confide in a loved one, let it all out here.... whatever it takes to express all your feelings and thoughts...let them out. The uplift will be later on when you reflect back as see how much you've grown. You faced a wicked storm in life and by working through it and not escaping from it, it made you better. Whether you face reality or fight it, no one can change the past...he's gone, and I'm deeply sorry for that!  Here are a couple quotes from Steve Jobs, maybe they will help? Quote:
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11-19-2011, 08:40 PM
| #7 (permalink) |
| Family Member Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 2,203
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When my younger brother died, one thing that helped me was acknowledging that he was gone. Any tears I shed were not shed for him, because he was gone. Anything I felt was not felt for him, because he was gone. Anything I did was not done for him, because he was gone. He doesn't live on in my memory or in heaven, because a memory is not a person and heaven is not a place [as far as I know]. It's not a path most people can accept, and I've been criticized for it, but it worked. I know people that are still thinking about their dearly departed daily, years after the fact. It doesn't seem to me like they enjoy it, and this is the only way that I found to stop. Tears won't end anything. You can cry forever if you want to, and in the beginning that's alright. If you want to stop, though, you have to let the dead be dead. |
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11-20-2011, 06:00 AM
| #8 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 4
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Your friends and family are as shocked as you are about what happened (in fact I was too when reading your thread because you have suffered an unimaginable loss, not only of a person you loved dearly and I don't even know you) and there is nothing that anyone can actually say that will help you heal right now but what they are trying to let you know is that they are here for you. I think in times like this things can become very awkward. Very close friends don't know what is appropriate to say - do you bring up the subject thinking that you may need to talk about it or do you talk about something else - in which event maybe you will feel that people are making light of your pain, which ofcos they are not. The ball is really in your court to tell people what you need when you need it. But know all the time that people are here for you and they want to help you through it. Lean on them!
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11-20-2011, 05:30 PM
| #9 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 453
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Time has a way of easing the pain a little. Be a bit forgiving of people who say things that upset you. They really don't know what to say to help you. Cry a lot if it helps you but then move on all ways knowing your loved one in near you. A song I listen to at the time was called " I Believe " Utube it to hear it, but have the tissues box ready. Blessing always | |
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11-21-2011, 02:06 AM
| #11 (permalink) | ||
| Family Member Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,400
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Read this today...similar... Quote:
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11-25-2011, 06:33 AM
| #14 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 5
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The human condition can be broken into two, the physical and the mental. If you want physical immortality procreate. If you want mental immortality, teach. From this know that if anyone has taught you anything then they aren't gone in the mental sense. I say this because in your life from what you've described, I'm sure that your fiancé has shaped your personality and taught you more things than you could give credit for. Take this in conjunction with the fact that we aren't as separate as we would like to believe. From the very forces that govern our universe we can understand that all matter is linked together in an unknown way (action at a distance ie gravity). When it comes to the phrase, "we're sorry for your loss." It's just what people say to try to empathize with another human but you just don't know another way. I doubt words are make it better quickly; in fact if I met someone who would be perfectly okay the next day after going through what you've gone through I would be troubled. A mentally healthy person who just went through what you went through will and is allowed to feel the way you do right now. I hope you find a way to pacify your suffering soon. |
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11-25-2011, 01:20 PM
| #15 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Near the CIA Farm
Posts: 44
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Like Freddy and you, Livin, I've been there too. I can only offer you my deepest sympathies. It's very hard and you'll go through all emotions and back again and again. What may help you is to get involved in remembering the person. It could mean getting involved in planning the service, reading a letter to your boyfriend at the memorial, putting up the music playlist, etc. Even just a little something. You might want to print out pictures, put together memories and make a personal memory box of those things. That's if you are oriented to material memories. Maybe something else would be helpful for you, like writing down what is happening right now in a journal or listening to music. I hope you rest yourself (even if your sleep is out of whack) and are surrounded by kind people among friends and family. Be good to yourself. If you are spiritual, pray he is taken care of and guided in the light. Again, my sympathies. Know you are not alone. xxx Last edited by auburn; 11-25-2011 at 01:29 PM. |
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12-02-2011, 11:10 AM
| #16 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 4
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I am sorry for the way I may have sounded. I have been in shock. I was just seeking any words of advice or hell I really dont know what I need. All of you really helped and I thank you for that. This has really opened my eyes in a very different way. In my mind me and this man were going to spend the rest of our lives together. All we talked about was getting married and having little babies. That is no more. I come to realize no we may not share those memories together as we wished..but we shared some awesome memories. We may not got to do those things but we did do so many things together. but then today I drove my car. I have not even driven since his death because I have not been myself. I was driving and I felt myself stricken with blame. I blame myself for everything. Its a terrible feeling if you know what I feel. I have never felt this horrible in my life. He wasnt just my fiance he was my best friend. he was there for me like no one ever is. and now I just feel like I have no one. and its the truth. Stephen you will be missed always by me and I will somehow live without you. Not sure how yet. but i know i will find the strength. |
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12-02-2011, 11:34 AM
| #17 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 4
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stricken with blame. like no other. It really is my fault. No matter what people tell me I feel like if I had done something different he would still be here today. Its true. If I could go back to day one and change certain things...he would be here today with me. Its all my fault. It truly is. and it makes me sick.
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12-02-2011, 12:18 PM
| #19 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2011 Location: Denver
Posts: 5
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livin, We say we're sorry for your loss, because truly...it is YOUR loss unless we knew him. We can't know the depth of your love for him (or he for you), the special intimate moments that strengthened the foundation of the life you were building together, or the impact this has had on you. I don't know you personally, but that doesn't mean I'm apathetic to what you're going through. But I'm not presumptuous enough to say I know what you're going through, so saying "I'm sorry for your loss" is me acknowledging that right now you are going through hell, trying to cope in a sudden void, and that I feel just as helpless as you to remedy your thoughts and feelings. Dealing with sudden death at your age is something no one expects (versus say someone who was 60), so it hits harder, hurts deeper, and scrambles our compass of life with a fiercer intensity. With time and healing, your "compass" will stop spinning. My wish for you is that your friends and family walk beside you, or carry you if need be, and do so with warmth and compassion. (((Hugs))) P.S. This is NOT your fault. From what you've shared, I hardly think that you wanted him to die of a sudden heart attack. The human body is magnificent yet frail, but there are times when potentially fatal conditions are never caught until its too late. This sounds like one of those times... Last edited by TazCo; 12-02-2011 at 12:20 PM. Reason: Added PS |
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12-02-2011, 01:03 PM
| #20 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 227
| Quote:
 ont drink and do drugs.Sowly detach from pain....
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12-02-2011, 01:06 PM
| #21 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 227
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