Insane mother.

[Lucyy]

There's something seriously wrong with my mom and I don't know how to deal with her.
People have told her many times she needs to go to therapy and she always says she will, but then she never does.

She blames me for everything that goes wrong in her life, like her relationship with my dad failing and how she's always tired and working.

She lies all the time about everything and then she goes and tells me shes never told a lie. She'll say something really cruel to me and then ten seconds later if I mention it she'll scream at me and call me crazy and walk away while saying that she never said that.
And then she lies about stupid ♥♥♥♥ that isn't important. Like, she'll preach to people about God and tell them all she listens to it gospel music when in reality she's never gone to church, she never listens to gospel music, and she never prays.

You can't have a conversation with her because it'll last forever since in her mind everything relates to everything else.
We can't have salad for dinner because she works.

She's a total control freak and needs to have everything her way or else it can't happen, but then she bitches about how she has to do everything.

She yells at me everyday for everything. She'll say she hates me and that no one wants me and that I should just leave because I'm nothing but a worthless ♥♥♥♥♥.

Then she'll say that she's only doing it because she loves me so much.

She's pushed me down the stairs before and she gets in my face everyday.

I'm only 16, and I don't know what to do. I always told myself that when I'm 18 I'm leaving, but she's impossible to live with.

Does anyone know what could be wrong with her or how I could handle it?

[RonSouther]

Hi Lucyy, welcome!! and Sorry!!

Your mom is lost in her mind. She hasn't lost her mind, but she's lost in her mind. She's groping around in a pitch black dark room, banging into everything and getting hurt. She's scared of the dark and needs someone to save her, but no one can. She's blaming everyone for all the stuff she's banging into rather that realizing that because she can't see, she is hurting herself.

Only she can save herself. She's trying to save herself by blaming others in hope that the others will do something to take away her fear and make her happy. But then that isn't happening so fear breeds more fear.

It's logic gone wild. There's a saying that the mind has all the questions, but no answers, and that the heart has all the answers but no questions. Her heart is buried under the weight of her thoughts. Her inner voice isn't being heard. Her mind is her master and it's stinks.

Logic has no heart. If logically a lie appears to be the answer, then she will tell a lie. If she's caught in the lie, she will create a logical reason for the lie or why the lie isn't really a lie.

And she can't accept responsibility because, not knowing her true self, her self image to herself is a lie and she can't have a positive self image if she accepts that she is lost in life, so the logic is to blame everyone else...she creates an image that she is right and the world is wrong in order to cling to something superior in herself that she can like. Logically, it makes sense, but it's not a match with reality so it causes the problems you're having. Life is not logic.

As hard as it is to live with her, she needs compassion not judgment. I don't now how to help you change your environment except to help you get some insight into her state of mind.

Her illness is "ignorance" and habitual negative beliefs of life and self. Beliefs and ignorance go hand in hand. What we don't know, we find ways to believe. Her salvation is for her to learn and grow, but she needs help for that.

Nearly all of us suffer from some degree of what she is experiencing. For examply, nearly everyone blames others or the world for their suffering. If you can, look around you in the world and you will see much milder versions of what you mom is doing. Because her actions and words are extreme, she's unbearable, but the root cause is the same in all of us....we don't know who we really are at heart.

[Laurenaus]

she should get checked for borderliner personality disorder sort of displays the symptoms

[RonSouther]

Originally Posted by Laurenaus

she should get checked for borderliner personality disorder sort of displays the symptoms

Then she can blame that.

In the end, to effect real change, she has to not about her condition but about who she is and what she is not.

[elucidate]

I agree with Laurenaus. It sounds like classic Borderline Personality Disorder. Are you old enough to move out?

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by RonSouther

Then she can blame that.

In the end, to effect real change, she has to not about her condition but about who she is and what she is not.

People with this condition don't introspect.

[RonSouther]

Originally Posted by elucidate

People with this condition don't introspect.

Especially if they are treated like they are ill and not worthy instead of loved.

She can't introspect when she's lost in fear. Love takes away the fear and opens the mind.

[RonSouther]

Lucyy,

The nasty stuff she says is directed at you but her words reflect how she feels about herself. She hates herself that much, but acts like it you she hates.

This is absolutely typical of someone lost in their mind...lies are truth and truth are lies to a mad person.

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by RonSouther

Especially if they are treated like they are ill and not worthy instead of loved.

She can't introspect when she's lost in fear. Love takes away the fear and opens the mind.

I agree that it would take a certain person who could create this sort of safe environment for this woman...I just don't think that burden needs to be on her daughter.

She also has to WANT to introspect, and if she is in denial there is not much anyone can do until she comes out of denial, which may never happen.

[ZephyrusX]

Is there some other family member or friend that you can move in with until you are ready to move out on your own? Trying to understand and love your mother unconditionally is something you can choose to do, but you can do so while looking after your needs. This just doesn't sound like a very good environment for you to live in, and even if there is a very good reason why your mother behaves the way she does, it doesn't mean that you have to endure her abusive behaviour and live in a toxic environment.

Do you have someone to speak to concerning this matter face-to-face? Like a school councillor or a therapist? Or another family member?

Honestly, I would try to arrange other living arrangements if it is possible for the sake of your own well being.

[rawxstasy]

She'll say she hates me and that no one wants me and that I should just leave because I'm nothing but a worthless

This is emotional abuse.

She's pushed me down the stairs before

That's physical abuse.

I think you should talk to your school counselor and tell them what's going on. If they can't or won't help, call a domestic violence hotline. You probably need to think about going with relatives or foster care until you are 18.

It does sound like she's got borderline personality disorder. I think it's difficult to treat. She would need to get help and be on meds. And she won't do that because in her mind - it's not her fault. It's everyone else that is screwed up. Not trying to scare you but the people I have come across with this disorder have serious anger control issues, have been violent and I just avoid them like the plague.

It's good that you can see what is going on and are not blaming yourself for her behavior. Keep us updating on what's going on. I hope you can get away from her.

[SkylightMT]

Originally Posted by ZephyrusX

Is there some other family member or friend that you can move in with until you are ready to move out on your own? Trying to understand and love your mother unconditionally is something you can choose to do, but you can do so while looking after your needs. This just doesn't sound like a very good environment for you to live in, and even if there is a very good reason why your mother behaves the way she does, it doesn't mean that you have to endure her abusive behaviour and live in a toxic environment.

Do you have someone to speak to concerning this matter face-to-face? Like a school councillor or a therapist? Or another family member?

Honestly, I would try to arrange other living arrangements if it is possible for the sake of your own well being.

I agree.

I don't think you are ever going to get what you need from your mother. It does sound like classic Borderline Personality Disorder. Sometimes the stress of the disorder can be so severe that the person starts to experience thought disorders (mild psychosis), and some of what you said sounds like she's having those issues, too.

You can't help her because you are not in a position to do so. Not because you are not a good person, or a very caring person (obviously you are) but because of the nature of your relationship - she will be unable to hear you, no matter how much you love her or treat her kindly. She needs outside help, and borderlines rarely, rarely seek outside help, and if they manage to get themselves to counseling, usually find some reason to fire the therapist pretty quickly. Its way too painful to them to look at themselves.

My heart goes out to you. It must be enormously difficult to live in that environment, especially at a time in your life (sweet 16!) when you are supposed to be enjoying life, making great friendships and relationships, getting through school, figuring out what you're interested in and what you want to do with your life, and instead you are having to walk on eggshells and be your own parent to yourself.

If you can live somewhere else, that would be ideal.

[rawxstasy]

Originally Posted by RonSouther

Especially if they are treated like they are ill and not worthy instead of loved.

She can't introspect when she's lost in fear. Love takes away the fear and opens the mind.

I think I'd rather love them from far away. I had to move my mother in with me from another state because I was worried my niece's boyfriend would beat her up or worse.

[ButterflyWoman]

Originally Posted by Lucyy

She blames me for everything that goes wrong in her life

Oh, wow, I know that one. And, my mother regards my existence as some sort of punishment she's been made to endure.

Originally Posted by Lucyy

She's a total control freak and needs to have everything her way or else it can't happen, but then she bitches about how she has to do everything.

LOL! I'm not laughing at you. I'm just laughing because I totally, absolutely know this one, and very well. (You're not alone!)

Originally Posted by Lucyy

I'm nothing but a worthless ♥♥♥♥♥.

Yeah, "worthless" was my mother's favourite way to describe me.

Originally Posted by Lucyy

I'm only 16, and I don't know what to do. I always told myself that when I'm 18 I'm leaving, but she's impossible to live with.

When you are 18, DO leave. I left home at 17 because I couldn't stand my parents (my father is a different kind of bad). And since 1997, I haven't spoken to them at all. Haven't physically seen them since 1994.

In the meantime, is there a school counsellor you could talk to? What your mother is doing is abuse, particularly the physical side of things. Emotional abuse is still abuse, but it's harder to prove.

[RonSouther]

Originally Posted by elucidate

I agree that it would take a certain person who could create this sort of safe environment for this woman...I just don't think that burden needs to be on her daughter.

She also has to WANT to introspect, and if she is in denial there is not much anyone can do until she comes out of denial, which may never happen.

I agree. The denial ends when her world collapses and she no longer trusts her logic. Denial is just logic denying that her logic is ruining her life.

[RonSouther]

Originally Posted by rawxstasy

I think I'd rather love them from far away. I had to move my mother in with me from another state because I was worried my niece's boyfriend would beat her up or worse.

I agree...loving doesn't mean enabling. My point was simply to see mom as a victim of her own ignorance and not to condemn her as unworthy of love.

[neilpage]

..... Please don't ever blame yourself for what it is you deal with now.
It is not your fault... sometimes people don't know what or how to deal in life or with uncertian kinds of brain disfuntion.
people only do what they know.
and some people don't know much.
it not their fault and it is not anyone else to blame.
Proper treatment at once could help mom not doing so well.
*I wish you much luck and better days*

[Lucyy]

Thank you everyone for your input. I'm trying to take it all into consideration and be more calm about the situation.

I can't move out, she would never let me. I think I'm going to talk to my other family members about the situation and see if there's anything they can do.

Thanks again, I really appreciate it.

[rawxstasy]

Originally Posted by Lucyy

Thank you everyone for your input. I'm trying to take it all into consideration and be more calm about the situation.

I can't move out, she would never let me. .

That doesn't matter. If you are a minor in an abusive situation, she really doesn't have any say.

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by Lucyy

Thank you everyone for your input. I'm trying to take it all into consideration and be more calm about the situation.

I can't move out, she would never let me. I think I'm going to talk to my other family members about the situation and see if there's anything they can do.

Thanks again, I really appreciate it.

If you contact a shelter for domestic violence they might be able to put you up there for a while and help you find a place.

If you go there when your mother isn't home then there isn't much she can do, and once you are there, you are protected. They won't even make you speak to her if she does find out where you are and tried to call. It's your choice entirely.