My wife has Borderline Personality Disorder

[krugerapc]

to anyone that can offer advice...
My wife has borderline personality disorder. I have lived and struggled with this for over 4 years. i was unaware of it when i fell madly in love with her and did not realize it's presence until shortly after we were married. needless to say that overnight i became the outlet for all of her emotional instability and she projected everything negative that she felt at me. on top of it was extreme anxiety, depression and alcoholism. the past 4 years have been horrible. i dont need to go into details, both for time and because if your reading this maybe you already understand. after standing by her, supporting her through physical, emotional and mental abuse for this entire time she left me. I came home one day and she had moved all of her and her childrens things and half of my house out and left me with a letter. this was a month ago. she seems to think that she, without regard for anything that i have done for her or taken from her, can up and move out to seek help, leave me completely in the dark as to what she was doing (for the first 3 weeks) and expect that we will all just be together again as if nothing happened. i am torn. i have been successful the past few years and have been threatened that she would screw me if i left her. then in the next breath she tells me that i am the love of her life and she would never get over me. it has torn me apart emotionally and mentally. with intelligence i know i must leave her. with emotion i love her to death and dont want to see her struggle alone.

can anyone offer advice? many people have told me to pack it in. that a person with BPD will never change, there is no cure and that i will deal with this type behavior for the rest of my life. my friends applaud me for sticking with it so long and said they wouldnt have put up with even a fraction of the things that have been done to me.

any advice from suffers of BPD, supporters of those with BPD or people who have dealt with it in the past would be appreciated.

Thank you

Kruger

[elucidate]

I'm sorry but you may not like the advice I'm gonna give you.

Get as far away from her as you can...as soon as you can!

It's harsh I know.

I can understand that you love her and don't want her to be alone through this. Either she admits to needing therapy and commits to it, or you put up with it for the rest of your lives together.

That is the only two options there are that I can see other than learning everything you can about this disorder and speaking to professionals about how to cope and communicate with her. I spent a short period as a volunteer in the mental health field, and one of the ladies I helped out had BPD, and she was just...well, one day was enough that's all I will say.

I really don't know what else to tell you? It might not be very helpful to you, and I can see your dilemma here. You can't just turn those feelings off and you had no idea this was the baggage she was carrying when you fell in love. It's really unfortunate, and I do feel for you.

I just don't see any other option I'm afraid. Can you really bear putting up with this the rest of your life? You didn't know her when the damage was done to her that made her this way. You shouldn't have to be put through the results of that damage now. It's not her fault, but it's not yours either...and you are the one who will, and already has been, dragged through the ringer because of someone elses mistreatment of her.

Have compassion for her, and have compassion for yourself as well.

[JSB]

Take a look at this if you are not already familiar with it:

Dialectical behavior therapy - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

[RonSouther]

Do you see a side of her that is highly intelligent?

Did she have a life of not fitting into society?

I'm came to learn from my life that highly intelligent people never fit into the crowd and absorb a self-image that reflects the social rejection. Not being able to like oneself leads to a tension that not even addiction can kill for long.

[sharshar89]

Originally Posted by elucidate

I'm sorry but you may not like the advice I'm gonna give you.

Get as far away from her as you can...as soon as you can!

It's harsh I know.

I can understand that you love her and don't want her to be alone through this. Either she admits to needing therapy and commits to it, or you put up with it for the rest of your lives together.

That is the only two options there are that I can see other than learning everything you can about this disorder and speaking to professionals about how to cope and communicate with her. I spent a short period as a volunteer in the mental health field, and one of the ladies I helped out had BPD, and she was just...well, one day was enough that's all I will say.

I really don't know what else to tell you? It might not be very helpful to you, and I can see your dilemma here. You can't just turn those feelings off and you had no idea this was the baggage she was carrying when you fell in love. It's really unfortunate, and I do feel for you.

I just don't see any other option I'm afraid. Can you really bear putting up with this the rest of your life? You didn't know her when the damage was done to her that made her this way. You shouldn't have to be put through the results of that damage now. It's not her fault, but it's not yours either...and you are the one who will, and already has been, dragged through the ringer because of someone elses mistreatment of her.

Have compassion for her, and have compassion for yourself as well.

Do you mean that mentally ill people should not have relationships?

[Andras]

Once upon a time, I fell in love with a manic/depressive woman, who, when in her "manic" state was quite charming, funny and smart, also she was "my type", if you know what I mean , chemistry was definitely there as it is in so many other cases;
She refused to take meds., (and I do not blame her)., but as she was non-functioning (in her depressive state), she made everybody's life around her a living hell. I had to look deep inside myself, as to why I was attracting women of this kind, and why I was attracted to her? Usually there is something wrong with the men as well who are attached to women of her problems (sorry . Fortunately, we had no kids or other ties and we naturally separated after I saw a therapist a few times. There is nothing you can do, you cannot make her better or well, but she can make you crazy - so beware!

Originally Posted by krugerapc

to anyone that can offer advice...
My wife has borderline personality disorder. I have lived and struggled with this for over 4 years. i was unaware of it when i fell madly in love with her and did not realize it's presence until shortly after we were married. needless to say that overnight i became the outlet for all of her emotional instability and she projected everything negative that she felt at me. on top of it was extreme anxiety, depression and alcoholism. the past 4 years have been horrible. i dont need to go into details, both for time and because if your reading this maybe you already understand. after standing by her, supporting her through physical, emotional and mental abuse for this entire time she left me. I came home one day and she had moved all of her and her childrens things and half of my house out and left me with a letter. this was a month ago. she seems to think that she, without regard for anything that i have done for her or taken from her, can up and move out to seek help, leave me completely in the dark as to what she was doing (for the first 3 weeks) and expect that we will all just be together again as if nothing happened. i am torn. i have been successful the past few years and have been threatened that she would screw me if i left her. then in the next breath she tells me that i am the love of her life and she would never get over me. it has torn me apart emotionally and mentally. with intelligence i know i must leave her. with emotion i love her to death and dont want to see her struggle alone.

can anyone offer advice? many people have told me to pack it in. that a person with BPD will never change, there is no cure and that i will deal with this type behavior for the rest of my life. my friends applaud me for sticking with it so long and said they wouldnt have put up with even a fraction of the things that have been done to me.

any advice from suffers of BPD, supporters of those with BPD or people who have dealt with it in the past would be appreciated.

Thank you

Kruger

[RonSouther]

Here's a link to a video channel on YouTube that you might find interesting. It may describe where your wife was coming from.

1. The REAL Cause of Bipolar Mania / Bipolar Disorder (Upgraded for 2011) - YouTube

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by sharshar89

Do you mean that mentally ill people should not have relationships?

Did I say they 'should' or 'shouldn't' have or not have anything?

You read too much into what I said. How did one single case of someone who is impossible to live with and completely destructive to her partners sanity, become about the entire broad spectrum of people living with a mental illness?

Everyone deserves to be in loving relationships, and if someone with a mental illness is prepared to deal with their issues and get help, then it can be manageable, with many illnesses.

I myself have been in a two year relationship with a man who had Bi polar disorder, so I would never say anything like what you suggested I meant. He was very good at self managing though, many aren't as good at this and will need to rely on meds for a certain period of time.

With people who live with borderline personality disorder, there is no medication and no known strategies for dealing with them. Living with people who have this disorder is a total nightmare...as the OP has said.

All I'm saying is that Borderline personality disorder is a particularly destructive and insidious disorder, and as the OP mentioned, there is no known treatment that has been found to work. People who live with it usually will not follow through with therapy and there is not much that can be done for them...that's just cold stark reality.

Does this mean that this person should have to put up with all the extremely difficult and destructive behavior? If this person stays in this relationship it is only going to stay the same as it has been, or get worse...that's just reality.

If it were you would you stick it out for the rest of your life just because you love the person?

I'm not saying it's an easy thing...it's not, it's a bloody hard decision to make. In the end though, everyone has to look after themselves as well. Is taking care of her at the expense of his own sanity what you think he 'should' do?

[krugerapc]

Thank you all for you time in response....elucidate - i in no way took what you said as meaning people with a mental illness dont deserve a relationship.

your words are not harsh...reality can be though. what is the hardest for me is that i fell so much in love with her and NEVER in my life completely gave EVERYTHING that i am to another person. it was only after this giving that it all fell apart. in reality there is likely no advice that will help and this is probably just my way of venting out a bit in order to try to release emotion and generate a thought process for closure.

she in fact has sought help. she has been going to multiple AA meetings weekly, group support and individual therapy sessions. while at first, even though i was devastated by being left the way she did me, these sessions made me proud of her....in as little as a month she told me - "i worked really hard and got rid of my BPD diagnosis. now it is alcoholism, anxiety, depression" when she did this, to me, i felt like that is the direction that i never wanted to see. admit the issue, address the issue, then suddenly make yourself believe it doesnt exist anymore. what was the worst is that though seperated, she has still made comments, started fights and had issues with me or my parenting or insecurities about what i was doing....just like before. that is what has been frustrating.

i agree with you andras and i have looked into why i attract these women. i did this before i met her, as this has been my history. i thought i had it figured out. in fact when i met her EVERYTHING about her seemed different than anyone else i had ever been with. it wasnt until after we got married that everything fell apart.

in the end, over the last number of years i have been in a phase of growth in my life. a phase of personal spiritual growth and how i view life and individuality/reality. it is in this growth that i have found a more accepting and compassionate understanding of others and their reality. i truly see my wife for the beautiful person she is...i truly believe that she loves me to an incredibly deep level...but then the other side emerges. that is what kills me. it is the BPD that comes out and suddenly she has actions (like moving out and abandoning me - the biggest fear of a person with BPD) that contradict everything. it is heart breaking.

i have decided to file for divorce. i need complete removal of anything that she can threaten me with....like burying me financially, etc. i believe that if i am truly what she wants as a partner and in life, then it doesnt matter if we are married. marriage in my mind is a man made institution and a piece of paper. it is the LIFE PARTNERSHIP that is truly important. if i matter that much then i can see how she reacts to this and whether or not she is willing to start over....completely seperate and dating. maybe. i will observe her treatment of me through this process and observe my emotional well being and the responses that my emotions want to generate. this observation has been the biggest eye opener for me. in all my growth, i ended up seeing myself as angry, resentful, crushed, fighting etc. i realized i couldnt be that person, so when i regained my calm...her escapades got worse. ultimately i did end up developing an anxiety disorder (i believe) that i am rididng myself of now. the biggest tell tale sign- after she left was the first time in years that i started sleeping through the night again. i thought i had a sleep disorder...i now realize i had a stress and anxiety disorder because i could never be good enough for the woman i loved so deeply.

thank you all for listening. thank you for your posts. thank you for the links. thank you i appreciate you all.

kruger

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by krugerapc

Thank you all for you time in response....elucidate - i in no way took what you said as meaning people with a mental illness dont deserve a relationship.

Thankyou. This post is about you and your reality, so it isn't important if someone else thinks what I said meant something totally not what I meant. I'm glad you took it the way it was meant.

your words are not harsh...reality can be though. what is the hardest for me is that i fell so much in love with her and NEVER in my life completely gave EVERYTHING that i am to another person. it was only after this giving that it all fell apart. in reality there is likely no advice that will help and this is probably just my way of venting out a bit in order to try to release emotion and generate a thought process for closure.

Venting is a good thing, and I can totally understand the need for it. It sounds like you are grieving almost...like, you have come to terms with the reality of your situation, and are recognizing that the person you gave so much of yourself to, isn't the person you fell in love with initially, so there may be a sense of loss there? I could be wrong, but that's what I'm sensing right now.

she in fact has sought help. she has been going to multiple AA meetings weekly, group support and individual therapy sessions. while at first, even though i was devastated by being left the way she did me, these sessions made me proud of her....in as little as a month she told me - "i worked really hard and got rid of my BPD diagnosis. now it is alcoholism, anxiety, depression" when she did this, to me, i felt like that is the direction that i never wanted to see. admit the issue, address the issue, then suddenly make yourself believe it doesnt exist anymore. what was the worst is that though seperated, she has still made comments, started fights and had issues with me or my parenting or insecurities about what i was doing....just like before. that is what has been frustrating.

Yes, it's like she wanted to make you think she was doing everything right to 'get rid of' the condition, but didn't really want to do the hard work involved in getting better. My mother was the same, and when dad tried to take her to gamblers anon, she walked out half way through the meeting claiming that 'those people' weren't like her, or vice versa.

Denial is a funny thing. Just admitting there is something wrong isn't enough to make it go away...it takes work. Most people don't want to do the work, and this is doubly so for people with BPD. Narcisissts are the on par with them in this regard. They just won't look at themselves, because to do so would cause their carefully constructed facade to crumble and that would destroy them to see the truth about themselves.

in the end, over the last number of years i have been in a phase of growth in my life. a phase of personal spiritual growth and how i view life and individuality/reality. it is in this growth that i have found a more accepting and compassionate understanding of others and their reality. i truly see my wife for the beautiful person she is...i truly believe that she loves me to an incredibly deep level...but then the other side emerges. that is what kills me. it is the BPD that comes out and suddenly she has actions (like moving out and abandoning me - the biggest fear of a person with BPD) that contradict everything. it is heart breaking.

I honestly can't imagine anything harder to have to deal with in life. Loving someone so much and knowing that they love you as much, and then have to deal with their "Jekyl and Hyde-ness"...it must just mess with you so much. It's gut wrenching for me to even think about it, let alone you be the one having to live this reality.

i have decided to file for divorce. i need complete removal of anything that she can threaten me with....like burying me financially, etc. i believe that if i am truly what she wants as a partner and in life, then it doesnt matter if we are married. marriage in my mind is a man made institution and a piece of paper. it is the LIFE PARTNERSHIP that is truly important. if i matter that much then i can see how she reacts to this and whether or not she is willing to start over....completely seperate and dating. maybe. i will observe her treatment of me through this process and observe my emotional well being and the responses that my emotions want to generate. this observation has been the biggest eye opener for me. in all my growth, i ended up seeing myself as angry, resentful, crushed, fighting etc. i realized i couldnt be that person, so when i regained my calm...her escapades got worse. ultimately i did end up developing an anxiety disorder (i believe) that i am rididng myself of now. the biggest tell tale sign- after she left was the first time in years that i started sleeping through the night again. i thought i had a sleep disorder...i now realize i had a stress and anxiety disorder because i could never be good enough for the woman i loved so deeply.

I think this is really wise, and I really want to applaud you for making what must be the hardest decision a person could make, besides maybe having to turn the machine off on a loved one who just isn't going to get any better.

Nothing but the best to you in your life is what I wish, and the same for your wife. She isn't a bad person, and this really isn't her fault either, and I'm sure if she could see how her behavior was affecting you she would do whatever she could to make it better for you...just as I'm sure she was once a very sensitive person who got mistreated so much that it made her this way, which is often the case with BPD. Very sensitive people have such a hard time in this world of insensitive people.