How to Fall out of Love (or never in love so quickly)

[jamestl2]

When I meet someone, and I think they might be interested in me (can never tell really if they are wanting to be just friendly or not), I sometimes feel like I don’t have a choice and my mind just preprograms itself to think about all the future great times we may have or getting married and started a family, etc. (I haven't even dated the person).

So I was just wondering how to train yourself to guard against these types of emotions, not that I want to be anything like a robot, but perhaps something more along the lines of Jedi-like, or just stronger in the emotion department, at least when I only first meet the person.

PS: I’m only 20, who’s never really been with anyone, and I do not believe I really know the difference between love and infatuation, so I may be using the term "love" prematurely.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I think it is perfectly natural to have wandering thoughts like this when you fancy someone. I would say if it doesn't go so far as to interfere with actual interaction with people that it's not so bad. A daydream is nice now and then. It may be true that it's simply an infatuation, but there is always the prospect of that turning into something more. I would say the only time these future thoughts would be a real problem is if you put too much pressure on the relationship because of them or didn't allow yourself to be fully in the present. It's all well and good to think about what may be (perhaps you will manifest it...) but just don't forget to enjoy what is!

I am sure others will have another take on this.

[Akashic_Librarian]

I am like you james. I sort of...jump ahead of myself...!

But I think the best thing you can do is be humble, discreet and Adroit.

[JohnPlace]

It's okay to have infatuations and daydreams, as a previous poster suggested. No harm no foul!

Just remember that it takes months of intimate conversation and interaction to really get to know someone. Over time, your daydreams of a person will be replaced by the reality of that person. You may want to remind yourself that your infatuations are based upon assumptions, and that assumptions change.

In other words, you don't build a house before checking to make sure the soil can support it. Likewise, you wouldn't want to get married before you are sure the relationship can sustain it.

But that doesn't mean you can't daydream or be hopeful! Of course you can!

[jamestl2]

It's good to know that these type of thoughts are OK and they are shared by others. But I guess I am curious as to whether it is healthy or not? Or if not having them is better for emotional clarity, setting expectations at a reasonable level, etc.

[Dusty]

Realize DEEPLY that the NOW moment is all you have. All fantasies of marrying her complete with the minivan and 3 kids is all an illusion in your head. Make living in the now your most prominent consciousness. Your brain is a tool... but it can become very inefficient when your tool starts using you (getting bogged down with movies in your head, thoughts - anything that isn't being completely present) This takes A LOT of work to master, but IMO, it is the best thing you can do for yourself besides completely accepting yourself for who you are.

Get "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle.

Namaste,
Dusty

[smartsuccess]

Hello,

It is okay to daydream like that like some of the ealier posters have said but the danger is when you become so engrossed in such thoughts, especially at the begining of the relationship, to the extent that you make the person an extension of you and she later fumbled, this could be distrarous and affect you adversely. The best you could do is to live out the moment with the person and have it at the back of your mind always that people are unpredictable especially when it comes to the issues of the "heart". By so doing, you will be saving yourself a lot of pains and heartbroken which could determine the success or otherwise of your subsequent relationship, if the unexpected should happen.

[indestructible]

It is really nice to hear that men are thinking that way about us after one quick meeting, when usually men are characterized as pigs who only want to get us into the sack .

But... I find that frequently guys project all of these things about how they want me to be, rather than listening and absorbing who I actually am. So - I would caution against that kind of projection. The 'dream girl' you imagine might be fun, but it is even more fun to get to know the real person in front of you. I am not trying to be sexist here either - I am sure women do it to men all the time too .

[Keith]

There's some great advice in this thread (especially mine ) but I disagree with SmartSuccess on one point:

Don't try to save yourself pains and heartbreak in advance.

Firstly, it has to undermine the relationship if you hold part of yourself back like that.

Secondly, some pain is good for you - it makes you stronger. It's powerful to know you're strong enough to survive whatever comes so you can give fully of yourself to a relationship; and that only comes with experience.

You're 20. If I were your age again, I'd definately play it considerably less safe and take more romantic chances.

Along that line of thought, noone's yet given the obvious answer to your question - if you meet someone and aren't sure if they're interested, instead of just imagining that they might be, find out by asking them to hang out for a bit, or whatever!

I don't agree with everything the PUA's say but "be willing to try and fail" is as good advice here as it is in most of life...

[Mark Lapierre]

Originally Posted by indestructible

I find that frequently guys project all of these things about how they want me to be, rather than listening and absorbing who I actually am. So - I would caution against that kind of projection. The 'dream girl' you imagine might be fun, but it is even more fun to get to know the real person in front of you. I am not trying to be sexist here either - I am sure women do it to men all the time too .

Agreed. I've been there and it's now something that I'm highly conscious of because of the misunderstanding that kind of projection can lead to.

The nature of perception means that the picture of another person you form in your mind is going to be inaccurate. Short of telepathy I don't think one human can really know another. None-the-less we can, over time, get to know each other well enough to live happy lives together *nods in JohnPlace's direction*. But we have to start by trying to really get to know each other.

Ultimately it means asking yourself, "do I feel this way because of what I truly see in this person, or because of what I want to see?"

And to get to see what's really there as opposed to what you want, when you're talking to that person, be curious and attentive, and then when your imagination starts to run wild, bring what you've discovered into the fantasy, rather than making it all up.

[chornak]

Originally Posted by indestructible

It is really nice to hear that men are thinking that way about us after one quick meeting, when usually men are characterized as pigs who only want to get us into the sack .

Time's have definitely change some people may think I'm crazy but from personal experiences women and men are equally "pigs". It's just that women sexuality was suppressed for so long and what wasn't acceptable for women to do/say 15 years ago and today has completely changed.

[Lallymac]

Originally Posted by jamestl2

When I meet someone, and I think they might be interested in me (can never tell really if they are wanting to be just friendly or not), I sometimes feel like I don’t have a choice and my mind just preprograms itself to think about all the future great times we may have or getting married and started a family, etc. (I haven't even dated the person).

So I was just wondering how to train yourself to guard against these types of emotions, not that I want to be anything like a robot, but perhaps something more along the lines of Jedi-like, or just stronger in the emotion department, at least when I only first meet the person.

PS: I’m only 20, who’s never really been with anyone, and I do not believe I really know the difference between love and infatuation, so I may be using the term "love" prematurely.

Hi James,
What a great question and awesome observation of yourself. I think most of us fall prey to our emotions or sexual urges at different times and attempt to justify them by convincing ourselves we're in love.
If you can keep observing those parts of you in action and quietly smile to yourself as you do it, they don't take a hold of situations. Doing this allows you to experience friendships and relationship without being overwhelmed by them. The more you can observe yourself in different situations, the more you'll begin to understand/trust yourself.
Lallymac

[Love]

Oooh... I have been here. Currently am kind of here, in the process of leaving. Stuck on someone you no longer want to be stuck on for whatever reason. What I do now, which seems to be working, is I distract myself. When I think of that person, I do something else, and tell myself I am worth more than that. Why should I give away my time to a fantasy when I could spend it doing something else interesting and developing myself? I think about who I want to be, and that helps me get back on track.

Thank you for this post, jamestl2.
Just writing about it helps me remember my strength.
I hope it helps you to remember yours.

[Minishark]

I know exactly what you're going through. Here's a recent example (sorry for the long post, but I'm sort of venting as well):
Last Saturday night I was at a get-together at my friend Tucker's house. It consisted of Tucker's friends (all my friends too), and his stepsister's friends. We were all just sitting around drinking and chatting. One of the stepsister's friends is sitting in the corner quietly, looking a little bored because she's sort of being left out of the conversation (or maybe she just doesn't feel comfortable in big group conversations -- I'm the same way). So I introduce myself to her, and she says her name is Sara. We talk for like an hour. We didn't immediately click, but it wasn't like pulling teeth either. It was a pretty mediocre conversation, I just let her do the talking, asked questions, and said basically nothing myself. She seemed like a pretty smart and pretty nice girl, but nothing really set her apart from the many other girls I've talked to. While we were talking, she didn't act particularly into me, but didn't act not into me either. She was easily the most attractive of the 8 or so girls there, and definitely one of the more attractive girls I've chatted up out of the blue. If I saw her while walking on the sidewalk, I might look twice, but I probably wouldn't remember it 30 minutes later. A few hours later, we're all claiming beds to sleep in, and by sheer happenstance Sara and 2 of her friends end up in the same bed as me, with Sara the closest to me. I have my half of the bed, and they have theirs. I keep my distance; I don't want them thinking I'm some creepy guy that touches girls he just met in their sleep. Every time I wake up in the middle of the night, I notice that Sara has moved closer to me, so I keep moving away, thinking that she's just moving in her sleep and wouldn't want to wake up right on top of me, until I can't move over without falling off the bed. A half an hour or so later, and she's using my shoulder as a pillow. I feel a little uncomfortable, because I'm still not sure if she's doing it on purpose or if she just moves a lot in her sleep. I sit up to check the time, knowing that I need to give a friend a ride home pretty early. When I lay back down, she puts her arm over me, looks up into my eyes, and starts kissing me. Needless to say, I was surprised. Here's a girl who I'd barely even talked to for a hour, and she was making out with me. Normally when this happens, the girl is either (1) drunk, (2) crazy, or (3) ugly. This girl was none of the above. The time rolls around when I need to drive my friend home, so put my number in her phone, and go. Now, normally I would get the girls number, but like I said, this girl was pretty nice, pretty good-looking, but nothing spectacular. If she wants to call me and hang out, fine, but I'm not going to spend my entire summer vacation chasing this girl, because I didn't feel that into her. That was how I felt then.
Now, a few days later. She hasn't called me, and I can't stop thinking about her. I barely even remember what she looks like, but now I think she's the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. I talked to her for barely an hour, but now I keep thinking about how well we'd get along if we were together. It seems crazy that I feel attached to her now, even though when I was with her I felt nothing.

So anyways, the point of the story is that it's really easy to let your imagination run wild when you meet somebody new. Since you barely know them, you fill in the blanks, building them up in your mind to be this perfect person, and then you just drive yourself crazy. Even before you've really gotten to know them, you've already psyched yourself out, and now you're so intimidated by your own fake mental image of them that there's no way you could ever be comfortable around them. You've already essentially blown it for yourself before you've even begun. I believe the technical term is "putting the *************** on a pedestal".

[palimpsest]

Detach yourself or just become self-aware, and consequently self-amused.

[jamestl2]

Originally Posted by Minishark

Even before you've really gotten to know them, you've already psyched yourself out, and now you're so intimidated by your own fake mental image of them that there's no way you could ever be comfortable around them. You've already essentially blown it for yourself before you've even begun. I believe the technical term is "putting the *************** on a pedestal".

I've been there, I know what you mean. Sometimes you think you may know about a person, even after talking to them, and in reality you know very little about them, but usually by then it is too late to control your fantasies.

As the weeks have gone by, and not seeing *her* for a long while, I suppose you start to think about them less and less. Even though remnants of them still remain in your head, you don't seem to feel you are as "crazy and delusional" as you once were.

[jamestl2]

I thought I could get over her by now. I have no idea why I still think about her, or if something is just wrong with me (she was the first girl I had ever felt this way towards).

I already cut of all forms of communication with her, months ago (I’ve tried to remain being “just friends”, but my delusional, romantic feelings kept getting staying in the way.) I’ve gotten rid of everything that could remind me of her. And I know for a fact I will NEVER be able to be with her.

Journaling didn’t help; it didn’t seem to make much of a difference. I can’t really afford professional help, I’m in college. My focus has also been largely, towards my business, spending a great amount of time and energy on it, but somehow she still finds a way to lurk into and invade my thoughts.

I’ve also tried thinking about other women, but then again, I start to think that I don’t want to cause them any similar harm, I’d feel like I’d just be using them to get over her, and I don’t want to put anyone through that kind of pain. Plus, I do not exactly have the most social skills in the world.

I know that I don’t want to continue to feel this way, and I don’t know what else to do. Unrequited love is the WORST feeling in the world.

[geekchic9]

You have a boundary problem. Work on yourself and who you are, not who she is/might be/whatever. It's not selfish, it's self-preservation. Don't lose your identity through obsessing over other people. It's not worth it.

[jamestl2]

I do appreciate all the advice I’m receiving

Originally Posted by Boreas

I think you might find it helpful to pretend you are one of us giving advice to yourself, what would you say? Try read some threads on this message board, find people in a similar situation as yourself and try to give them advice, whatever advice you can think of. Don't be afraid to try anything.

I hardly feel qualified to give other people advice on relationships, love, etc.

Originally Posted by Boreas

In my opinion this girl you are obsessing over represents something that you feel makes you a better person. You have to find out what quality this person has and put it in your life. Then you will be happy and content with who you are, and you won't have to obsess over her.

How in the world do I know what “quality” to look for?

Originally Posted by geekchic9

You have a boundary problem. Work on yourself and who you are, not who she is/might be/whatever. It's not selfish, it's self-preservation. Don't lose your identity through obsessing over other people. It's not worth it.

I know I don’t want to keep thinking about it. What exactly am I suppose to “do for myself” to help me try to forget about her? It’s been awhile, yet my delusional thoughts are still here.

[Boreas]

Originally Posted by jamestl2

I hardly feel qualified to give other people advice on relationships, love, etc.

You are qualified by virtue of the fact that you have gone through all this hell and emotional pain. You have a lot to share, even if you just describe your situation to someone in a similar situation you will make comparisons and you will both learn from it. At least try, it couldn't hurt!

Also, don't expect there to be any quick fix. You don't decide to become a body builder and expect huge muscles the second day? You have to work out, excersize, build muscle and build strength, the thing is: it gets easier each day.

What I mean is that the memory of this girl might last your whole life. Are you going to let it be a torment or something you use to become stronger? When you remember her you can start obsessing and saying "Oh if only" or you can think of all the lessons you learned and how you grew stronger from this girl. One day you will look back on her like a 5 pound dumbbell, something that is light but that you needed at first to start building muscle.

What I am saying is change your perspective on what has happened to you.
Don't look at the weights in the gym as a heavy burden, look at them as a chance to build muscle and become stronger.
Don't look at this girl as heavy emotional pain, look at her as a tool for personal growth and self-discovery.

Originally Posted by jamestl2

How in the world do I know what “quality” to look for?

Really, only you can answer that, but I will try give you examples of things I have found in myself. When I obsess about someone else it is because I miss the way the confirmed my ego and made ME feel special. Really what they are doing is filling gaps in my life that I wasn't aware I had, then when they leave there is emptiness and pain.

What I do is write down a list of all the things I most admire in the person and things I have wrote down include:

beautiful
confident
suave
well-spoken
have a lot of friends/connections
have a lot of success in terms of money/career

Then I tell myself that I can have all those things, and will work towards them.

Try make a list of all the things this girl makes you think of, why do you obsess over her? Why is she so perfect? Write down those qualities. It will hurt to do it, but no pain, no gain. Do it. After you have written them down, tell yourself that you can have all those things in your life, make it a goal, and remind yourself of them always when you think of the girl. I will be interested in your list, if you choose to share it.

[jamestl2]

Originally Posted by Boreas

Try make a list of all the things this girl makes you think of, why do you obsess over her? Why is she so perfect? Write down those qualities. It will hurt to do it, but no pain, no gain. Do it. After you have written them down, tell yourself that you can have all those things in your life, make it a goal, and remind yourself of them always when you think of the girl. I will be interested in your list, if you choose to share it.

OK I’ll give it a try,

Besides these physical qualities about her I admired:
-beautiful eyes
-wonderful smile
-nice-looking body, soft skin
-great hair

There are some more qualities I enjoyed:
-she always seemed to ask me for help on the classwork, no one else
-everything she told me about herself
-whenever I saw her outside of class, she was usually by herself (even though later she told me she has many people outside of class she works with)
-she was the first girl who really talked to me outside of class
-her eagerness to keep in touch (via her giving me her email, asking for my phone number, etc.)
-her flirtiness (with me, above all people)
-the compliments we gave each other
-the closeness I felt when I worked on the class material with her

There were even a couple of qualities about her that I initially thought would repel me, but didn’t (besides the bf fact):
-she smokes
-she’s 5 years older than me

I really believed, in the beginning, that she would be my first girlfriend. Foolishly, I pictured doing just about everything with her, going out, eating meals with her, riding in my car with me, introducing her to my family, watching TV, movies with her, going on vacation with her, amongst many other things.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I don't know that this will help much, but I had a somewhat similar experience in college. The details are different, but I was left with a feeling much like what you describe.

I sat down in the only open seat on my first day of Health class. Next to me was a guy I thought was cute. Soon, we started a conversation (I think I forgot my pencil or something). It turned out that we liked the same things and were always catching ourselves saying "ME TOO!". We always talked before and after class and he paid attention mostly to me during class. He would ask to meet up to study. He got my phone number. Any time he saw me around campus, he would come over and talk.

I didn't come to find out he already had a girlfriend, but at the end of the semester he asked me to hang out a couple of times. The second time we watched a movie and then he took me home. I never heard from him again. I had never been in a relationship before and I thought, like you, that he was it. I did all the wishful imagination that you did. I was devastated. Now, I don't even remember if I tried to call him or not, but I know that for the longest time I wondered what I had done or why I wasn't good enough for him. I actually felt kind of crushed.

One day, the pain was gone and I realized how great my life was. Believing that everything happens for a reason certainly helped at one point. I later heard some things about him from a friend at the school he transfered to which made me thankful nothing ever happened between us.

I can't give you any magic pill to help you get over this, nor will I pretend it's easy. But, you sound like a very kind, thoughtful guy which is sometimes hard to find in college. I am confident you will find someone who will treat you well and share a truthful, fun, fulfilling relationship with you. Believe me, one day you will wonder what you were ever thinking about this girl.

For now, focus on your schoolwork. Focus on your friends and doing fun stuff with them. Focus on improving any area of your life that you feel might be lacking. Affirm just how awesome you are to yourself...things like this tend to make us question our worth. You are worth more than what this girl has treated you to.

Good luck!

[Boreas]

James, first of all, thanks for sharing this list, there are many things you have noticed that I now realize were reasons why I had crushes/obsessions.

I think the reason my last reply got deleted was that I had too many multi-quotes, since I went line by line, so now I will try groupings, with your quotes in italics, and my responses in bold.


Besides these physical qualities about her I admired:
-beautiful eyes
-wonderful smile
-nice-looking body, soft skin
-great hair

Tell yourself you have all those qualities, do it as often as you can: when you walk into a class, or start a conversation. So much of their power is believing you have them. Try it, when was the last time you told yourself you have a wonderful smile?


-she was the first girl who really talked to me outside of class
-whenever I saw her outside of class, she was usually by herself (even though later she told me she has many people outside of class she works with)
-her eagerness to keep in touch (via her giving me her email, asking for my phone number, etc.)

I am going to be bold and guess that you are an introvert. Or that is to say, usually happy by yourself, happy to read, and hang out at home if need be. I am mostly introverted too and know what it means to be living in one's own little bubble world. Then someone comes into it and everything pops. Suddenly we realize that we are lonely and have a need and we wonder how we were happy before. The solution to this is to try find balance and become more extroverted. This can be a problem, since it is never good to force or fake extroversion or interest in other people...still, I suggest you try this:

Talk to a girl after class or in class. Sit next to the one you think you most want to meet and start talking, ask if you want to study and try exchange numbers. If it doesn't work out, try with someone else. I know it is difficult, but it should get easier every time. At least thinking about how difficult this is going to be and how it all went will take your mind off of the current girl, right?

If things do go well, be very interested in the other person, when you are with them invest your whole person in them. Don't worry about what they are thinking about you, what you said in the past, or what you are going to have to say, just be you.


-everything she told me about herself
-the closeness I felt when I worked on the class material with her

This ties into confidence and believing you can be yourself, all of yourself, at every moment. What you have written suggests that you do not share a lot of who you are with other people. The solution to this is to start. Take steps every day to share more about yourself with everyone you can: your parents, friends, family, store clerks, strangers on the bus. Practice doing it and see how you feel. If you do those things you will feel like you have closer relationships with more people because you are being yourself and giving more of yourself to the relationship. The more relationships you have like that, the less likely you are to obsess on any one of them.

-the compliments we gave each other
-her flirtiness (with me, above all people)

What is flirtiness exactly? I think it is just taking a step back and saying: what the hell, I am going to be playful. It is probably the mindset you need to have to get you started on all the above points. Tell yourself you are good looking and have a great smile, tell yourself: "what the hell I am just going to have fun and joke around", then it will be easy to compliment people. Most of the time, when you give someone a compliment, they will compliment you back, it is a good cycle. If they don't, they might be shy. If they just blow you off, move on, there are other people out there. You might also change your tack on what compliments you choose, take advantage of any opportunity to practice. Sit down at your next class and say something like "You really seem into this class" or "Nice stlye" anything like that, you kind of have to judge the person. Anyway, you are just being playful, and no matter what happens, you still have your great smile right?

Good luck James, will be interested to hear what steps you take. It might seem difficult, but if you have your back against the wall with pain, it might not be a bad idea to say what the hell, and go for it.