How to Fall out of Love (or never in love so quickly)

[jamestl2]

When I meet someone, and I think they might be interested in me (can never tell really if they are wanting to be just friendly or not), I sometimes feel like I don’t have a choice and my mind just preprograms itself to think about all the future great times we may have or getting married and started a family, etc. (I haven't even dated the person).

So I was just wondering how to train yourself to guard against these types of emotions, not that I want to be anything like a robot, but perhaps something more along the lines of Jedi-like, or just stronger in the emotion department, at least when I only first meet the person.

PS: I’m only 20, who’s never really been with anyone, and I do not believe I really know the difference between love and infatuation, so I may be using the term "love" prematurely.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I think it is perfectly natural to have wandering thoughts like this when you fancy someone. I would say if it doesn't go so far as to interfere with actual interaction with people that it's not so bad. A daydream is nice now and then. It may be true that it's simply an infatuation, but there is always the prospect of that turning into something more. I would say the only time these future thoughts would be a real problem is if you put too much pressure on the relationship because of them or didn't allow yourself to be fully in the present. It's all well and good to think about what may be (perhaps you will manifest it...) but just don't forget to enjoy what is!

I am sure others will have another take on this.

[Akashic_Librarian]

I am like you james. I sort of...jump ahead of myself...!

But I think the best thing you can do is be humble, discreet and Adroit.

[JohnPlace]

It's okay to have infatuations and daydreams, as a previous poster suggested. No harm no foul!

Just remember that it takes months of intimate conversation and interaction to really get to know someone. Over time, your daydreams of a person will be replaced by the reality of that person. You may want to remind yourself that your infatuations are based upon assumptions, and that assumptions change.

In other words, you don't build a house before checking to make sure the soil can support it. Likewise, you wouldn't want to get married before you are sure the relationship can sustain it.

But that doesn't mean you can't daydream or be hopeful! Of course you can!

[jamestl2]

It's good to know that these type of thoughts are OK and they are shared by others. But I guess I am curious as to whether it is healthy or not? Or if not having them is better for emotional clarity, setting expectations at a reasonable level, etc.

[Dusty]

Realize DEEPLY that the NOW moment is all you have. All fantasies of marrying her complete with the minivan and 3 kids is all an illusion in your head. Make living in the now your most prominent consciousness. Your brain is a tool... but it can become very inefficient when your tool starts using you (getting bogged down with movies in your head, thoughts - anything that isn't being completely present) This takes A LOT of work to master, but IMO, it is the best thing you can do for yourself besides completely accepting yourself for who you are.

Get "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle.

Namaste,
Dusty

[Keith]

I can't believe that the PUAs haven't leapt all over this thread by now!

Short version: It's natural to develop 'oneitis' when you don't have a lot of romantic experience. The cure is to have a lot of romantic experience. Then you'll realise that a given girl may be unique, and that there are a lot of other unique girls out there.

Or so I'm led to understand - I confess to being an AFC myself...

[jamestl2]

Originally Posted by Dusty

Your brain is a tool... but it can become very inefficient when your tool starts using you (getting bogged down with movies in your head, thoughts - anything that isn't being completely present) This takes A LOT of work to master, but IMO, it is the best thing you can do for yourself besides completely accepting yourself for who you are.

So are you saying my brain is using me? I’m not sure I quite understand.

Originally Posted by Keith

I can't believe that the PUAs haven't leapt all over this thread by now!

It’s probably because the pick-up artists already gave me a bunch of advice on my other “Female Advice” thread (lol).

[smartsuccess]

Hello,

It is okay to daydream like that like some of the ealier posters have said but the danger is when you become so engrossed in such thoughts, especially at the begining of the relationship, to the extent that you make the person an extension of you and she later fumbled, this could be distrarous and affect you adversely. The best you could do is to live out the moment with the person and have it at the back of your mind always that people are unpredictable especially when it comes to the issues of the "heart". By so doing, you will be saving yourself a lot of pains and heartbroken which could determine the success or otherwise of your subsequent relationship, if the unexpected should happen.

[indestructible]

It is really nice to hear that men are thinking that way about us after one quick meeting, when usually men are characterized as pigs who only want to get us into the sack .

But... I find that frequently guys project all of these things about how they want me to be, rather than listening and absorbing who I actually am. So - I would caution against that kind of projection. The 'dream girl' you imagine might be fun, but it is even more fun to get to know the real person in front of you. I am not trying to be sexist here either - I am sure women do it to men all the time too .

[Keith]

There's some great advice in this thread (especially mine ) but I disagree with SmartSuccess on one point:

Don't try to save yourself pains and heartbreak in advance.

Firstly, it has to undermine the relationship if you hold part of yourself back like that.

Secondly, some pain is good for you - it makes you stronger. It's powerful to know you're strong enough to survive whatever comes so you can give fully of yourself to a relationship; and that only comes with experience.

You're 20. If I were your age again, I'd definately play it considerably less safe and take more romantic chances.

Along that line of thought, noone's yet given the obvious answer to your question - if you meet someone and aren't sure if they're interested, instead of just imagining that they might be, find out by asking them to hang out for a bit, or whatever!

I don't agree with everything the PUA's say but "be willing to try and fail" is as good advice here as it is in most of life...

[Mark Lapierre]

Originally Posted by indestructible

I find that frequently guys project all of these things about how they want me to be, rather than listening and absorbing who I actually am. So - I would caution against that kind of projection. The 'dream girl' you imagine might be fun, but it is even more fun to get to know the real person in front of you. I am not trying to be sexist here either - I am sure women do it to men all the time too .

Agreed. I've been there and it's now something that I'm highly conscious of because of the misunderstanding that kind of projection can lead to.

The nature of perception means that the picture of another person you form in your mind is going to be inaccurate. Short of telepathy I don't think one human can really know another. None-the-less we can, over time, get to know each other well enough to live happy lives together *nods in JohnPlace's direction*. But we have to start by trying to really get to know each other.

Ultimately it means asking yourself, "do I feel this way because of what I truly see in this person, or because of what I want to see?"

And to get to see what's really there as opposed to what you want, when you're talking to that person, be curious and attentive, and then when your imagination starts to run wild, bring what you've discovered into the fantasy, rather than making it all up.

[Dusty]

Originally Posted by jamestl2

So are you saying my brain is using me? I’m not sure I quite understand.

Just get the book. That book will beef up your emotional intelligence quite a bit. It's the best book I've EVER read regarding personal development. I'm reading it now for the 4th time. Trust me, it's that good.

[Vanilla]

I agree with most of the posters here...there's nothing wrong with what you are feeling and thinking. As you mature and gain more experience romanticly, you'll learn how to manage your feelings and interpret them better. Don't be afraid of anything, and don't allow fear to control you. I say this to say, don't try to change how you feel for fear that you're going to get hurt. With love, you take risks...and it's the same with anything in life. You're going to mess up, you're going to make mistakes...but, I guarantee you'll make a few successes along the way! You'll do better and better each time. Just ENJOY life, and stop worrying so much. Daydream all you want! ;-)

I think the one thing you may want to work on is not being controlled by your feelings...which is something you'll learn. For example, just because you feel she's "the one" on the first date, that doesn't mean you should necessarily propose! LOL...;-) On the contrary, there's really no right or wrong time to say or do anything...it's just something you get a feel for. I would just suggest that next time you have a "feeling"...wait until you're sure about that "feeling" before you act on it...

I wish you the best!!

[jamestl2]

Originally Posted by Vanilla

I agree with most of the posters here...there's nothing wrong with what you are feeling and thinking.

While this may be true, I suppose there is no getting around this then? As in actual techniques like meditation, writing or something?

Originally Posted by Vanilla

Don't be afraid of anything, and don't allow fear to control you. I say this to say, don't try to change how you feel for fear that you're going to get hurt. With love, you take risks...and it's the same with anything in life. You're going to mess up, you're going to make mistakes...but, I guarantee you'll make a few successes along the way! You'll do better and better each time. Just ENJOY life, and stop worrying so much. Daydream all you want!

It’s what I want to do, but right now I don’t have the willpower to “move on”, as some would say, and stop thinking about “particular people”, which is a reason why I started the thread, and I don’t particularly *enjoy* daydreaming about “her” very much.

[Vanilla]

Originally Posted by jamestl2

While this may be true, I suppose there is no getting around this then? As in actual techniques like meditation, writing or something?



It’s what I want to do, but right now I don’t have the willpower to “move on”, as some would say, and stop thinking about “particular people”, which is a reason why I started the thread, and I don’t particularly *enjoy* daydreaming about “her” very much.

It sounds like your problem is you can't stop thinking about a certain someone, and you want to move on. And, you're asking what can you do to make the thoughts go away?

If that's your question, then it's only going to take time. You have to spend time with friends, get out and date other people, and most importantly keep yourself busy by staying focused on your purpose in life. Stay focused on the things that bring you joy.

For me, it's my music. I keep myself busy with that, working hard on that, and I don't have time to think about "someone" who I'm not having any luck with. I also make sure I don't wallow, and I get out and spend time with friends even when I don't want to. It helps to take my mind off of things, and it lifts my spirits...

I also love to journal. And, when I'm trying to get over someone, I journal a lot. Especially during those times when all my friends are busy and I just don't feel like doing anything else. Journaling helps to get all my feelings out and it really helps me to put things into perspective. I would also recommend reading. Byron Katie's book, "I Need Your Love, Is It True?" has helped me tremendously in this area.

Hope this helps a little bit...

[jamestl2]

Originally Posted by Vanilla

It sounds like your problem is you can't stop thinking about a certain someone, and you want to move on. And, you're asking what can you do to make the thoughts go away?

Unfortunately, yes that’s the case

Originally Posted by Vanilla

If that's your question, then it's only going to take time. You have to spend time with friends, get out and date other people, and most importantly keep yourself busy by staying focused on your purpose in life. Stay focused on the things that bring you joy.

For me, it's my music. I keep myself busy with that, working hard on that, and I don't have time to think about "someone" who I'm not having any luck with. I also make sure I don't wallow, and I get out and spend time with friends even when I don't want to. It helps to take my mind off of things, and it lifts my spirits...

I also love to journal. And, when I'm trying to get over someone, I journal a lot. Especially during those times when all my friends are busy and I just don't feel like doing anything else. Journaling helps to get all my feelings out and it really helps me to put things into perspective. I would also recommend reading. Byron Katie's book, "I Need Your Love, Is It True?" has helped me tremendously in this area.

I was afraid “time” might be the only answer, hopefully some of the other things *might* work. I’ve never journaled before, so does it really help you to get over someone quicker?

[Dharma]

Originally Posted by Dusty

Realize DEEPLY that the NOW moment is all you have. All fantasies of marrying her complete with the minivan and 3 kids is all an illusion in your head. Make living in the now your most prominent consciousness. Your brain is a tool... but it can become very inefficient when your tool starts using you (getting bogged down with movies in your head, thoughts - anything that isn't being completely present) This takes A LOT of work to master, but IMO, it is the best thing you can do for yourself besides completely accepting yourself for who you are.

Get "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle.

Namaste,
Dusty

I second Dusty!

[Dharma]

It sounds like you have the awareness to notice when you are thinking about her. When that happens you have to do something different. You need a pattern interrupt of sorts.

When you notice yourself thinking about her, say to yourself "I'm not doing this anymore and I'm going to focus on the moment." Then observe your surroundings, feel what you're feeling in the moment, note what you're doing (oh, I'm driving right now).

Two seconds later you will be back on your fantasy of her. Repeat the above.
Do not make yourself wrong if you find yourself doing this all the time. We all have our patterns . I know how it feels.

This is for later - it feels like the mental noise is covering up some emotion that's trying to come through in the moment. Excessive thinking is your way of not feeling it. That's why I said to check into you emotions during your pattern interrupt. There's something there not experienced and it's not necessarily 'bad'.

[Vanilla]

Originally Posted by jamestl2

I was afraid “time” might be the only answer, hopefully some of the other things *might* work. I’ve never journaled before, so does it really help you to get over someone quicker?

Journaling helps you to get your feelings out. You don't want to avoid your feelings or fight against them. You need to feel them and you need to let them out in a healthy way. Journaling really helps me. So does exercising.

Another thing I might suggest is finding some closure from the situation. That way, you're ONLY dealing with grief, not guilt and regret.

And, don't forget to read that book...;-)