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| Emotional Mastery Emotional intelligence, addiction and recovery, grieving, loss, fear, anger, guilt, resentment, frustration, anxiety, depression, happiness, joy, love, kindness, forgiveness, self-acceptance, confidence, escaping the pit of despair, EFT |
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05-11-2007, 05:50 PM
| #1 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: What of it?
Posts: 724
 |  How to Fall out of Love (or never in love so quickly)
When I meet someone, and I think they might be interested in me (can never tell really if they are wanting to be just friendly or not), I sometimes feel like I don’t have a choice and my mind just preprograms itself to think about all the future great times we may have or getting married and started a family, etc. (I haven't even dated the person). So I was just wondering how to train yourself to guard against these types of emotions, not that I want to be anything like a robot, but perhaps something more along the lines of Jedi-like, or just stronger in the emotion department, at least when I only first meet the person. PS: I’m only 20, who’s never really been with anyone, and I do not believe I really know the difference between love and infatuation, so I may be using the term "love" prematurely. |
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05-11-2007, 09:02 PM
| #2 (permalink) |
| Family Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Texas, USA
Posts: 3,709
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I think it is perfectly natural to have wandering thoughts like this when you fancy someone. I would say if it doesn't go so far as to interfere with actual interaction with people that it's not so bad. A daydream is nice now and then. It may be true that it's simply an infatuation, but there is always the prospect of that turning into something more. I would say the only time these future thoughts would be a real problem is if you put too much pressure on the relationship because of them or didn't allow yourself to be fully in the present. It's all well and good to think about what may be (perhaps you will manifest it...) but just don't forget to enjoy what is! I am sure others will have another take on this. |
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05-11-2007, 11:03 PM
| #4 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 332
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It's okay to have infatuations and daydreams, as a previous poster suggested. No harm no foul!  Just remember that it takes months of intimate conversation and interaction to really get to know someone. Over time, your daydreams of a person will be replaced by the reality of that person. You may want to remind yourself that your infatuations are based upon assumptions, and that assumptions change. In other words, you don't build a house before checking to make sure the soil can support it. Likewise, you wouldn't want to get married before you are sure the relationship can sustain it. But that doesn't mean you can't daydream or be hopeful! Of course you can! |
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05-12-2007, 03:56 AM
| #5 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: What of it?
Posts: 724
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It's good to know that these type of thoughts are OK and they are shared by others. But I guess I am curious as to whether it is healthy or not? Or if not having them is better for emotional clarity, setting expectations at a reasonable level, etc.
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05-12-2007, 05:19 AM
| #6 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 97
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Realize DEEPLY that the NOW moment is all you have. All fantasies of marrying her complete with the minivan and 3 kids is all an illusion in your head. Make living in the now your most prominent consciousness. Your brain is a tool... but it can become very inefficient when your tool starts using you (getting bogged down with movies in your head, thoughts - anything that isn't being completely present) This takes A LOT of work to master, but IMO, it is the best thing you can do for yourself besides completely accepting yourself for who you are. Get "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. Namaste, Dusty |
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05-12-2007, 07:59 AM
| #7 (permalink) |
| Family Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Australia
Posts: 1,139
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I can't believe that the PUAs haven't leapt all over this thread by now! Short version: It's natural to develop 'oneitis' when you don't have a lot of romantic experience. The cure is to have a lot of romantic experience.  Then you'll realise that a given girl may be unique, and that there are a lot of other unique girls out there.Or so I'm led to understand - I confess to being an AFC myself... Last edited by Keith; 05-12-2007 at 12:07 PM. |
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05-12-2007, 04:30 PM
| #8 (permalink) | ||
| Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: What of it?
Posts: 724
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05-12-2007, 05:29 PM
| #9 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 4
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Hello, It is okay to daydream like that like some of the ealier posters have said but the danger is when you become so engrossed in such thoughts, especially at the begining of the relationship, to the extent that you make the person an extension of you and she later fumbled, this could be distrarous and affect you adversely. The best you could do is to live out the moment with the person and have it at the back of your mind always that people are unpredictable especially when it comes to the issues of the "heart". By so doing, you will be saving yourself a lot of pains and heartbroken which could determine the success or otherwise of your subsequent relationship, if the unexpected should happen. Last edited by smartsuccess; 05-12-2007 at 05:31 PM. |
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05-12-2007, 07:04 PM
| #10 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Toronto
Posts: 20
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It is really nice to hear that men are thinking that way about us after one quick meeting, when usually men are characterized as pigs who only want to get us into the sack  . But... I find that frequently guys project all of these things about how they want me to be, rather than listening and absorbing who I actually am. So - I would caution against that kind of projection. The 'dream girl' you imagine might be fun, but it is even more fun to get to know the real person in front of you. I am not trying to be sexist here either - I am sure women do it to men all the time too .
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05-12-2007, 10:17 PM
| #11 (permalink) |
| Family Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Australia
Posts: 1,139
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There's some great advice in this thread (especially mine ) but I disagree with SmartSuccess on one point:Don't try to save yourself pains and heartbreak in advance. Firstly, it has to undermine the relationship if you hold part of yourself back like that. Secondly, some pain is good for you - it makes you stronger. It's powerful to know you're strong enough to survive whatever comes so you can give fully of yourself to a relationship; and that only comes with experience. You're 20. If I were your age again, I'd definately play it considerably less safe and take more romantic chances. Along that line of thought, noone's yet given the obvious answer to your question - if you meet someone and aren't sure if they're interested, instead of just imagining that they might be, find out by asking them to hang out for a bit, or whatever! I don't agree with everything the PUA's say but "be willing to try and fail" is as good advice here as it is in most of life... Last edited by Keith; 05-12-2007 at 10:24 PM. |
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05-14-2007, 03:27 AM
| #12 (permalink) | |
| Family Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,061
| Quote:
The nature of perception means that the picture of another person you form in your mind is going to be inaccurate. Short of telepathy I don't think one human can really know another. None-the-less we can, over time, get to know each other well enough to live happy lives together *nods in JohnPlace's direction*. But we have to start by trying to really get to know each other. Ultimately it means asking yourself, "do I feel this way because of what I truly see in this person, or because of what I want to see?" And to get to see what's really there as opposed to what you want, when you're talking to that person, be curious and attentive, and then when your imagination starts to run wild, bring what you've discovered into the fantasy, rather than making it all up. | |
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05-14-2007, 03:35 AM
| #13 (permalink) | |
| Member Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 97
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05-17-2007, 10:42 PM
| #14 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 54
|  You're okay
I agree with most of the posters here...there's nothing wrong with what you are feeling and thinking. As you mature and gain more experience romanticly, you'll learn how to manage your feelings and interpret them better. Don't be afraid of anything, and don't allow fear to control you. I say this to say, don't try to change how you feel for fear that you're going to get hurt. With love, you take risks...and it's the same with anything in life. You're going to mess up, you're going to make mistakes...but, I guarantee you'll make a few successes along the way! You'll do better and better each time. Just ENJOY life, and stop worrying so much. Daydream all you want! ;-) I think the one thing you may want to work on is not being controlled by your feelings...which is something you'll learn. For example, just because you feel she's "the one" on the first date, that doesn't mean you should necessarily propose! LOL...;-) On the contrary, there's really no right or wrong time to say or do anything...it's just something you get a feel for. I would just suggest that next time you have a "feeling"...wait until you're sure about that "feeling" before you act on it... I wish you the best!! |
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06-02-2007, 03:53 AM
| #15 (permalink) | ||
| Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: What of it?
Posts: 724
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06-02-2007, 02:18 PM
| #16 (permalink) | |
| Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 54
|  possible solution Quote:
If that's your question, then it's only going to take time. You have to spend time with friends, get out and date other people, and most importantly keep yourself busy by staying focused on your purpose in life. Stay focused on the things that bring you joy. For me, it's my music. I keep myself busy with that, working hard on that, and I don't have time to think about "someone" who I'm not having any luck with. I also make sure I don't wallow, and I get out and spend time with friends even when I don't want to. It helps to take my mind off of things, and it lifts my spirits... I also love to journal. And, when I'm trying to get over someone, I journal a lot. Especially during those times when all my friends are busy and I just don't feel like doing anything else. Journaling helps to get all my feelings out and it really helps me to put things into perspective. I would also recommend reading. Byron Katie's book, "I Need Your Love, Is It True?" has helped me tremendously in this area. Hope this helps a little bit... | |
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06-02-2007, 02:42 PM
| #17 (permalink) | ||
| Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: What of it?
Posts: 724
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06-02-2007, 04:13 PM
| #18 (permalink) | |
| Family Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: NM, USA
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06-02-2007, 04:26 PM
| #19 (permalink) |
| Family Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: NM, USA
Posts: 1,394
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It sounds like you have the awareness to notice when you are thinking about her. When that happens you have to do something different. You need a pattern interrupt of sorts. When you notice yourself thinking about her, say to yourself "I'm not doing this anymore and I'm going to focus on the moment." Then observe your surroundings, feel what you're feeling in the moment, note what you're doing (oh, I'm driving right now). Two seconds later you will be back on your fantasy of her. Repeat the above. Do not make yourself wrong if you find yourself doing this all the time. We all have our patterns . I know how it feels.This is for later - it feels like the mental noise is covering up some emotion that's trying to come through in the moment. Excessive thinking is your way of not feeling it. That's why I said to check into you emotions during your pattern interrupt. There's something there not experienced and it's not necessarily 'bad'. |
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06-02-2007, 08:31 PM
| #20 (permalink) | |
| Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 54
| journaling Quote:
Another thing I might suggest is finding some closure from the situation. That way, you're ONLY dealing with grief, not guilt and regret. And, don't forget to read that book...;-) | |
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06-04-2007, 02:29 PM
| #21 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Scotland
Posts: 65
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Some really good advice here and hopefully it will help you. Def try to keep busy. I can say that I would recommend journalling. Sometimes writing your feelings and emotions can help you to become more objective about them.
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06-11-2007, 09:41 PM
| #22 (permalink) | |
| Junior Member Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 4
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06-11-2007, 10:34 PM
| #23 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Auckland NZ
Posts: 375
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What a great question and awesome observation of yourself. I think most of us fall prey to our emotions or sexual urges at different times and attempt to justify them by convincing ourselves we're in love. If you can keep observing those parts of you in action and quietly smile to yourself as you do it, they don't take a hold of situations. Doing this allows you to experience friendships and relationship without being overwhelmed by them. The more you can observe yourself in different situations, the more you'll begin to understand/trust yourself. Lallymac | |
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06-12-2007, 09:08 PM
| #24 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 513
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Oooh... I have been here. Currently am kind of here, in the process of leaving. Stuck on someone you no longer want to be stuck on for whatever reason. What I do now, which seems to be working, is I distract myself. When I think of that person, I do something else, and tell myself I am worth more than that. Why should I give away my time to a fantasy when I could spend it doing something else interesting and developing myself? I think about who I want to be, and that helps me get back on track. Thank you for this post, jamestl2. Just writing about it helps me remember my strength. I hope it helps you to remember yours. |
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06-18-2007, 07:34 PM
| #25 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 31
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I know exactly what you're going through. Here's a recent example (sorry for the long post, but I'm sort of venting as well): Last Saturday night I was at a get-together at my friend Tucker's house. It consisted of Tucker's friends (all my friends too), and his stepsister's friends. We were all just sitting around drinking and chatting. One of the stepsister's friends is sitting in the corner quietly, looking a little bored because she's sort of being left out of the conversation (or maybe she just doesn't feel comfortable in big group conversations -- I'm the same way). So I introduce myself to her, and she says her name is Sara. We talk for like an hour. We didn't immediately click, but it wasn't like pulling teeth either. It was a pretty mediocre conversation, I just let her do the talking, asked questions, and said basically nothing myself. She seemed like a pretty smart and pretty nice girl, but nothing really set her apart from the many other girls I've talked to. While we were talking, she didn't act particularly into me, but didn't act not into me either. She was easily the most attractive of the 8 or so girls there, and definitely one of the more attractive girls I've chatted up out of the blue. If I saw her while walking on the sidewalk, I might look twice, but I probably wouldn't remember it 30 minutes later. A few hours later, we're all claiming beds to sleep in, and by sheer happenstance Sara and 2 of her friends end up in the same bed as me, with Sara the closest to me. I have my half of the bed, and they have theirs. I keep my distance; I don't want them thinking I'm some creepy guy that touches girls he just met in their sleep. Every time I wake up in the middle of the night, I notice that Sara has moved closer to me, so I keep moving away, thinking that she's just moving in her sleep and wouldn't want to wake up right on top of me, until I can't move over without falling off the bed. A half an hour or so later, and she's using my shoulder as a pillow. I feel a little uncomfortable, because I'm still not sure if she's doing it on purpose or if she just moves a lot in her sleep. I sit up to check the time, knowing that I need to give a friend a ride home pretty early. When I lay back down, she puts her arm over me, looks up into my eyes, and starts kissing me. Needless to say, I was surprised. Here's a girl who I'd barely even talked to for a hour, and she was making out with me. Normally when this happens, the girl is either (1) drunk, (2) crazy, or (3) ugly. This girl was none of the above. The time rolls around when I need to drive my friend home, so put my number in her phone, and go. Now, normally I would get the girls number, but like I said, this girl was pretty nice, pretty good-looking, but nothing spectacular. If she wants to call me and hang out, fine, but I'm not going to spend my entire summer vacation chasing this girl, because I didn't feel that into her. That was how I felt then. Now, a few days later. She hasn't called me, and I can't stop thinking about her. I barely even remember what she looks like, but now I think she's the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. I talked to her for barely an hour, but now I keep thinking about how well we'd get along if we were together. It seems crazy that I feel attached to her now, even though when I was with her I felt nothing. So anyways, the point of the story is that it's really easy to let your imagination run wild when you meet somebody new. Since you barely know them, you fill in the blanks, building them up in your mind to be this perfect person, and then you just drive yourself crazy. Even before you've really gotten to know them, you've already psyched yourself out, and now you're so intimidated by your own fake mental image of them that there's no way you could ever be comfortable around them. You've already essentially blown it for yourself before you've even begun. I believe the technical term is "putting the *************** on a pedestal". |
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06-22-2007, 07:48 AM
| #27 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: What of it?
Posts: 724
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As the weeks have gone by, and not seeing *her* for a long while, I suppose you start to think about them less and less. Even though remnants of them still remain in your head, you don't seem to feel you are as "crazy and delusional" as you once were. Last edited by jamestl2; 06-22-2007 at 07:51 AM. | |
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08-27-2007, 01:05 AM
| #28 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: What of it?
Posts: 724
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I thought I could get over her by now. I have no idea why I still think about her, or if something is just wrong with me (she was the first girl I had ever felt this way towards). I already cut of all forms of communication with her, months ago (I’ve tried to remain being “just friends”, but my delusional, romantic feelings kept getting staying in the way.) I’ve gotten rid of everything that could remind me of her. And I know for a fact I will NEVER be able to be with her. Journaling didn’t help; it didn’t seem to make much of a difference. I can’t really afford professional help, I’m in college. My focus has also been largely, towards my business, spending a great amount of time and energy on it, but somehow she still finds a way to lurk into and invade my thoughts. I’ve also tried thinking about other women, but then again, I start to think that I don’t want to cause them any similar harm, I’d feel like I’d just be using them to get over her, and I don’t want to put anyone through that kind of pain. Plus, I do not exactly have the most social skills in the world. I know that I don’t want to continue to feel this way, and I don’t know what else to do. Unrequited love is the WORST feeling in the world.  |
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08-27-2007, 02:39 AM
| #29 (permalink) | |||
| Family Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,061
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Seriously though, I've been where you are many times since I was about 17. Both frequent socialising and meeting new girls helped, even when the same situation repeated itself. Finding someone new to turn my attention towards showed me that I was wrong in fearing that I'd just be using her to get over the last. That became completely irrelevant as a new infatuation developed. Making new friends and forming close relationships with many girls reduced that feeling of need which used to fuel all those distracting thoughts, the same ones you seem to be experiencing. And the reduction of that driving need allowed my attraction to become more wholesome and no longer just infatuation. | |||
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08-27-2007, 08:16 AM
| #30 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 344
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 especially at 20 years old... you still have your whole future ahead of you, so the opportunities are endless. and it's natural for you to picture how things could be...and all the different things that you could do if you spent your lives together. (i get like that all the time...with one guy in particular.) but who is this girl that you can't stop thinking about?? how long have you known her? did you guys ever date..? have you ever had any kind of interaction, or have you only met each other once?! ..what's the story? does this happen with every girl that you have a "crush" on, or just her?! | |
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