How to Fall out of Love (or never in love so quickly)

[jamestl2]

Originally Posted by Amandaaa

but who is this girl that you can't stop thinking about??
how long have you known her?
did you guys ever date..?
have you ever had any kind of interaction, or have you only met each other once?!
..what's the story?

Well, I can’t really believe I‘m going to be talking about this, but if it helps, here’s the story (I’ll try to keep it as brief as I can)…

It started last school year at the beginning of the fall semester; she was in one of my classes. On the SECOND day of classes, she began to sit next to me every day, flirting, talking to each other, sharing class work. She even gave me her email address within the second week. She told me almost everything about herself, her favorite foods, her family, etc. We even met outside of class often, such as in the library, or cafeteria, etc. She did like to copy my work a few times, always preferred to work with me over other classmates for some reason. She sat next to me virtually EVERY day of the semester. This was he first girl who ever really paid much attention to me, or *seemed* interested in me.

I did ask her out a few times, but she always had an excuse, for example most of the time she had to work. When this happened I thought she may have been playing hard to get or something, I wasn’t sure. She even asked me out once, but it was right before I had an exam, so I think she may have been joking around about it.

After about three months or so in, is when it hit me, I asked her directly about who this one guy is, and it turned out to be her boyfriend. She mentioned his name once or twice, but NEVER mentioned that she was in a relationship with him, ever, until I asked her about him. I was devastated about it, but I didn’t really try to let it show, or bother me. I knew that was when I should have tried to stop liking her, but for some reason I didn’t.

About two weeks or so later, I spilled my guts to her trying to explain everything, and I was direct with her about my feelings, but she didn’t want to hear it and wanted to pretend like it never happened. I probably shouldn’t have, as I respected the fact that she was in a relationship with someone else, but it was eating me up inside. So after that, I decided I would still try to be friends with her, thinking to myself I could just forget about the feelings I had.

Spring semester then rolled around, and we didn’t really see much of each other as often, a few times here and there. We still enrolled in the same class, but it was scheduled at different times of the day. Whenever we did see each other she usually asked me for answers to the test (My class was a few hours before hers.), or just a few things in general, what to expect in class that day, etc.

Probably about half way into spring semester, I told her I had to cut off all communication from her, after I tried remaining just friends with her, but it wasn’t working out very well for me, as I couldn’t stop thinking about her.

We didn’t talk or see each other for a few months. Then, about a few weeks before exams started, (it seemed random to me) she approached me in the library, wanting to talk to me (I don’t know why), it took me completely by surprise. It was the basic, “how’ve you been?” conversation.

A few days after that I emailed her, telling her things couldn’t go back to normal, and asked her if she had feelings for me (How was I suppose to know if she was still with him or not). She insulted me and told me she never wanted to hear from me again, so I wrote her a “final good-bye” email (I was angry in it at the time.) and she seemed shocked like she did nothing wrong, and that I could say things like that. We then reconciled and cleared the air about everything, while agreeing we would just end all contact with each other once and for all would be best, and she even told me she got married to her boyfriend (yeah, *now* she tells me, and this is around the time I created the thread).

After that we have never seen or heard each other since. I know, it’s probably sounds like a pathetic story. So no, this doesn’t happen with every girl I seem to have a crush on. It just seems really hard to forget about something like this.

[Livgivare]

Don't know anything about if anyone have noticed it yet. But your vivid imagination would be hugely used if you used it on writing short stories or books about this theme. Just try to use your own life and write about it, use other names ofcause and places. Maybe this will keep you occupied with the same thoughts but on another level, and the shame of this whole thing will disappear pretty fast. At least try to make a cartoon or short-list or anything artistic with words that are your thoughts.

I guess this is what Lise a Norwegian Goth-girl made when creating Nemi (one of the most successfull strip-cartoon writer and painter in Northen Europe now. Nemi is a Goth-girl that seems to be so different to other girls, but are totally like the other girls arround. I guess this made her stronger and felt better about herself (Lise I mean).

This approach is kinda Taoistisk to the problem, since using what you seem to be good at, in the totally different enviroment can take the actually bad behaviour away. Think of a theif who seem to be really articulate, maybe that person could be used another place (detective or something like that) or the spammer who turns himself in and work for the police instead and becomes legal in his way of being.

And remember it is ok to have strange thoughts, they are just in your head. Do not take too much action ofcause on what you actually think, that is not good. Being too fast on commiting can scare girls off.

Just my two Euro-cents!

Love Leelene

[SmellyOrc]

I'm kinda in the same boat as james. I feel you man, I really do. And don't take that the wrong way
Thing is with me though: on the one side I don't WANT to stop thinking about her, its like one of the few things that keep me entertained. On the other hand, it does distract me. When school's starting officially for me next week, I'm most likely going to have a very busy, but boring life. School -> homework -> food -> work/gym -> homework -> food -> sleep. Rinse and repeat.
Going to the gym is atm the only thing I really enjoy. Hell, I'm getting bored behind my pc nowadays. Thinking about that girl just gives me pleasure, even though its distracting. And that's where the problem lies: its distracting. I can easily space out for a few minutes just thinking about her. In class. Doing homework, or whatever.
It ain't the first time something like this has happened to me. It has happened to me around twice more. First time it lasted around 1.5 years Second time just a few months. Current one is already going for 1 year...

I know how not to think of her, but I don't want to. It's very... annoying
Just wanted to get this out of the system

[ZHereford]

jamest12,

Quite frankly I think this woman has led you down the garden path.
She toyed with your emotions for her own questionable purposes. She was dishonest and deceitful. For some reason she had something to prove to herself and she used you to do it. No wonder you're having trouble coming to terms with it. You didn't read her signals incorrectly. What you were unaware of is her motivation.

Don't allow yourself to be a casualty of her game playing any longer. You read it all correctly, what you didn't read correctly was her reason for doing so.

[jamestl2]

Originally Posted by Mark Lapierre

Does your college have any counselors?

Tons probably, I go to UW-Milwaukee, although I wouldn’t know where to go, or who I’d be looking for.

Originally Posted by Livgivare

Don't know anything about if anyone have noticed it yet. But your vivid imagination would be hugely used if you used it on writing short stories or books about this theme. Just try to use your own life and write about it, use other names ofcause and places. Maybe this will keep you occupied with the same thoughts but on another level, and the shame of this whole thing will disappear pretty fast. At least try to make a cartoon or short-list or anything artistic with words that are your thoughts.

I’m not sure if I could really let the whole world know about all the personal secrets I have, it would feel kind of embarrassing. But I do work to keep my mind preoccupied on other things, but every now and then…ugh, just wish I could forget faster.

Originally Posted by SmellyOrc

I'm kinda in the same boat as james. I feel you man, I really do. And don't take that the wrong way
Thing is with me though: on the one side I don't WANT to stop thinking about her, its like one of the few things that keep me entertained. On the other hand, it does distract me.

I know how not to think of her, but I don't want to. It's very... annoying
Just wanted to get this out of the system

I completely understand, with me, though I’m not sure if I still *want* to be thinking of her or not, because I’m trying not to think about all of it anymore. But then again, its really hard to let all of it go, especially since nothing like that has ever happened to me before.

Originally Posted by ZHereford

Quite frankly I think this woman has led you down the garden path. She toyed with your emotions for her own questionable purposes. She was dishonest and deceitful. For some reason she had something to prove to herself and she used you to do it. No wonder you're having trouble coming to terms with it. You didn't read her signals incorrectly. What you were unaware of is her motivation.

Don't allow yourself to be a casualty of her game playing any longer. You read it all correctly, what you didn't read correctly was her reason for doing so.

Thanks, as I did say I ended contact with her. I probably still don’t know what her motivation or games were; maybe I just don’t understand women well enough.

[NotesMaeve]

It's normal to have these. I recommend finding someone who's developing at your pace, who is cool with talking about things.

Slamhot boy and I, for example, can discuss things and be happy about them with no expectations for the future. So we're driving to get bagels one day, and he goes, "Yeah, I was thinking about how cool it would be to have a daughter." And it was a really endearing moment. And it passed, and it didn't freak me out or have me thinking about a ring.

Sometimes people just like to daydream. Slamhot likes talking about having a family because it's a goal of his, not because he knows I'm his absolute future lifemate.

My brother said something good years ago, that if you're a monogamous type, that you SHOULD look at your partner as potentially being a spouse in the future, even in the beginning. You need to look at and evaluate that. If there's no chance, why date them?

But truly getting to know someone takes awhile, and in that time, you have to talk, not assume plans.

[jamestl2]

Originally Posted by NotesMaeve

It's normal to have these. I recommend finding someone who's developing at your pace, who is cool with talking about things.

That’ll be pretty hard for me to do (In case anyone hadn’t noticed, from my Growing a Spine thread), because in the beginning, she was the one who approached me, always came to sit next to me, started the first conversation, etc. I really felt like I was on the receiving end most of that time.

Originally Posted by NotesMaeve

My brother said something good years ago, that if you're a monogamous type, that you SHOULD look at your partner as potentially being a spouse in the future, even in the beginning. You need to look at and evaluate that. If there's no chance, why date them?

But truly getting to know someone takes awhile, and in that time, you have to talk, not assume plans.

Yes, I’m most definitely the monogamous type, and I probably do tend to think ahead, in the way that you mentioned. Not sure what exactly you meant by “having to talk”, because in the beginning we talked all the time, every class day.

I guess it just sucks when you think you know someone, and they appear to be interested in you, but things just don’t turn out the way you want them to.

[NotesMaeve]

Originally Posted by jamestl2

Yes, I’m most definitely the monogamous type, and I probably do tend to think ahead, in the way that you mentioned. Not sure what exactly you meant by “having to talk”, because in the beginning we talked all the time, every class day.

I guess it just sucks when you think you know someone, and they appear to be interested in you, but things just don’t turn out the way you want them to.

You go through and ask people questions like what they're looking for, goals for the future. Intimate conversations. Not chatting before class. Like the starry-eyed stuff.

[Boreas]

Please let me bring up two points.

1. You are all you ever need to be happy, and you should always be happy. Think about unhappiness/obsession/desire as a signal for you to grow and strengthen who you are. If you are not happy with yourself, you cannot be happy with anyone. I do not know if it is any comfort, but I think even if you got with this girl, unhappiness would have followed.

2. Breathe in deep, very deep from your stomach while you do this: Now, every time you have an obsessive thought, or think about this girl, do not resist the thought, let it sit in your mind and feelings, try to look at yourself having these feelings from "the outside" and think of reasons why you have to daydream, why you "need" this person in your life?

What you find will be personal, but examples might be:

1. You always have to have what you want, otherwise you have failed. (False just let life be in its own way, the fate of every wave in the ocean is loss, but there is always another one there to replace it, why think of the wave that got away?)

2. You need to be needed in order to feel like a perfect person. (False you are perfect even if no one needs you)


Take the whole excersize as a chance to grow and discover something new about yourself, this is because all you unhappiness revolves around you and your thoughts. You can control exactly how happy you are at any moment. It might take a few days or months, but keep it up, once you have it, you have it, and you will be a more complete person for it. Self knowledge is strength!

[jamestl2]

Are there any pills or medication or something to help me forget? Nothing else is working...

[SmellyOrc]

That's fixing the symptoms, not dealing with the source.
Bad boy.

Just give it time. Lots. Get away from her. It will subside in a few years :P

[jamestl2]

Originally Posted by SmellyOrc

That's fixing the symptoms, not dealing with the source.
Bad boy.

I didn't mean I wanted to turn to illegal drugs or anything. What would "dealing with the source" be?

Originally Posted by SmellyOrc

Just give it time. Lots. Get away from her. It will subside in a few years :P

A few YEARS? That seems like an awful lot of time. (Also, I haven't spoken to her since I created the thread, months ago, so I am nowhere near her.)

[Boreas]

Originally Posted by jamestl2

I didn't mean I wanted to turn to illegal drugs or anything. What would "dealing with the source" be?

For the purpose of example let us say that every morning you wake up and burn yourself on a hot stove. This hurts, so you put on cream and immediately it stops hurting, but the next day you burn yourself.

In this example you can take away the pain with medicine, but you have not fixed the source of the pain.

To put the example in your situation, this girl is one time you have touched the stove, you can cover it up with pills till you are better, but at that time you will probably meet another girl and get into the same situation all over again.

So what is happening to you is not healthy and to really fix the problem you must learn to understand yourself so you do not obsess over a person. What you are going through now is feedback, your life is telling you that you need to change. Take up that challenge, be brave, and start making changes. Running to something to try take the pain away will only cover up the real problem till it resurfaces again.

[jamestl2]

Originally Posted by Boreas

So what is happening to you is not healthy and to really fix the problem you must learn to understand yourself so you do not obsess over a person. What you are going through now is feedback, your life is telling you that you need to change. Take up that challenge, be brave, and start making changes. Running to something to try take the pain away will only cover up the real problem till it resurfaces again.

Any examples on how to do this? What "changes" am I suppose to make? I don't know what to do, I feel lost.

[Boreas]

Originally Posted by jamestl2

Any examples on how to do this? What "changes" am I suppose to make? I don't know what to do, I feel lost.

I think you might find it helpful to pretend you are one of us giving advice to yourself, what would you say? Try read some threads on this message board, find people in a similar situation as yourself and try to give them advice, whatever advice you can think of. Don't be afraid to try anything.

In my opinion this girl you are obsessing over represents something that you feel makes you a better person. You have to find out what quality this person has and put it in your life. Then you will be happy and content with who you are, and you won't have to obsess over her. When you are happy with who you are, all your relationships will be easier and without obsession or neediness. You don't need anyone, and if you ever feel that you do, take it as a sign that you need to grow, and work till you have the things you admire in those people as a part of your life.

Check out this thread:

marry yourself first

Also, sorry to just throw links at you, but you might like this Pavlina blog post:
http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/200...oy-of-sadness/

[geekchic9]

You have a boundary problem. Work on yourself and who you are, not who she is/might be/whatever. It's not selfish, it's self-preservation. Don't lose your identity through obsessing over other people. It's not worth it.

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by jamestl2

Any examples on how to do this? What "changes" am I suppose to make? I don't know what to do, I feel lost.

What is still bothering you most about this situation?

Is it that you expected a totally different outcome - like that she might be with you right now and instead she had a boyfriend all along?

Do you feel cheated? Or are you mad at yourself for falling for her and her antics?

The only thing you can really do is put this behind you and consider it a lesson in human behavior (yours and hers). There may have been red flags that you ignored because you really wanted her to find you awesome. There may also have been times you weren't really being true to yourself or you would have noticed she was playing you. This is all a tough pill to swallow but you have nothing to gain by dwelling on it. It was never what you thought it was and that's probably the hardest part to accept.
You definitely deserve better this. Don't let this get the better of you!
I wish all you the best.

[jamestl2]

I do appreciate all the advice I’m receiving

Originally Posted by Boreas

I think you might find it helpful to pretend you are one of us giving advice to yourself, what would you say? Try read some threads on this message board, find people in a similar situation as yourself and try to give them advice, whatever advice you can think of. Don't be afraid to try anything.

I hardly feel qualified to give other people advice on relationships, love, etc.

Originally Posted by Boreas

In my opinion this girl you are obsessing over represents something that you feel makes you a better person. You have to find out what quality this person has and put it in your life. Then you will be happy and content with who you are, and you won't have to obsess over her.

How in the world do I know what “quality” to look for?

Originally Posted by geekchic9

You have a boundary problem. Work on yourself and who you are, not who she is/might be/whatever. It's not selfish, it's self-preservation. Don't lose your identity through obsessing over other people. It's not worth it.

I know I don’t want to keep thinking about it. What exactly am I suppose to “do for myself” to help me try to forget about her? It’s been awhile, yet my delusional thoughts are still here.