Gaining Respect

[cottonwood]

I would like more respect than I'm getting.

I'm a cofounder in a start-up, and right now I'm kind of frustrated that my partners aren't communicating with me enough and may be undervaluing me.

I'm the youngest and the least experienced of the three of us, and I'm still in school, so it makes sense that I'm the junior member-- but on the other hand, I have the most technical expertise, I essentially designed the whole architecture, and I'm the only one who's made tangible progress towards building it. I think I may be underpaid, and I definitely feel that I'm being kept out of the decision-making process and that my concerns about company strategy wouldn't be listened to.

Part of the problem is that I'm your standard shy, sad nerd, while my partners are highly extroverted types. I think they see me as their "whiz kid" -- they know I'm smart, and they can deploy me to solve problems for them, but they're not going to actually listen to me as an equal and an adult.

Another part of the problem is that my partners are "serial entrepreneurs." If this project fails, they can move on. Whereas I have a special idealistic interest in this project -- I believe our idea is not only potentially profitable, but potentially of benefit to humanity -- and if it fails, I'll have lost the chance to help people. So I'm afraid my partners aren't going to take our work as seriously as I take it.

More personally, I have this constant frustration that nobody listens to me and nobody gives a damn what I think. I've been at the bottom of the social totem pole all my life. I don't even know what a socially dominant "me" would look like -- so much of my personality is based on being shy, pleasant, and apologetic. And for once I want to be important. I'm tired of being passed over. I'm constantly frustrated that other people have higher status than me. When am I going to be worth listening to?

[Traikan]

You're taking the first step toward that respected version of you right now. First you have to accept that you want to be respected and that being shy, introverted, apologetic and ignored is intolerable.

If you flip back and forth between sticking to your character (who defined you this way? did you see it in a movie, a book, the expectations of your peers?) and being who you want to be, you'll just stall.

Make the decision to change and remember that there are many ways to gain respect. You don't have to be a loudmouth, you don't have to be boisterous and extroverted, you just need to be confident.

Look at Stephen Hawking. He's soft spoken by necessity, but when he says something, everyone shuts up and listens.

Stick to your guns. Saying "no" doesn't mean standing up, puffing out your chest, and flexing your manly biceps (or womanly biceps, as appropriate), it means saying "No, I don't think that will work and this is why. We should do this instead, and here is why." You don't have to sacrifice pleasantness to achieve that.

[WilliWibald]

My suggestions:

Step 1: Learn Non-violent Communication (NVC) by Marshall Rosenberg

Step 2: Talk with your cofounders about how you feel and how you would like them to behave differently

It's called radical honesty. There are reasons why we normally are not that radical honest with each other (fear of rejection, how the other might react). NVC does prepare you for these situations. It's like a major update to your consciousness.

(little warning: step 1 may take a little time - but it's definitely worth it)

[Mikahcho]

Before trying to gain respect, I think it's important to keep in mind that if the project does fail, it doesn't mean you can't try again, right? In fact, would it not be better to try doing it again, but with others who share your same interests and are fairer?

Regardless, perhaps you have to learn to assert yourself better, to get what you want. Don't think of it as something you want but something you need.

Though you have the specific desires, within this project, maybe practicing dominance and assertiveness in other situations will aid you in your overall image. It could aid you in bolstering your confidence, also.

Just some food for thought, good luck.

[cottonwood]

The thing about starting over is --
My cofounders are veterans. They know the business side, much better than me. If this thing falls through, I don't know whether I'd ever find replacements for them. And it might demoralize me to the point that I stop trying. Not that I want to; I need to do this project; but I can't do it alone.

And here I've got friends who are zooming ahead with lots of projects, and my own is in jeopardy, because we're behind schedule to meet our launch deadline. I'm so terribly ashamed. It would help if we hadn't picked an insane deadline, and it would help if my CTO actually wrote any code, but as it is I think we're in trouble.

I've heard good things about NVC but I've also heard that it sounds stilted in context -- that a non-NVC'er would hear the unusual style of speaking and think "What's gotten into you?"

[RonSouther]

Originally Posted by cottonwood

The thing about starting over is --
My cofounders are veterans. They know the business side, much better than me. If this thing falls through, I don't know whether I'd ever find replacements for them. And it might demoralize me to the point that I stop trying. Not that I want to; I need to do this project; but I can't do it alone.

And here I've got friends who are zooming ahead with lots of projects, and my own is in jeopardy, because we're behind schedule to meet our launch deadline. I'm so terribly ashamed. It would help if we hadn't picked an insane deadline, and it would help if my CTO actually wrote any code, but as it is I think we're in trouble.

I've heard good things about NVC but I've also heard that it sounds stilted in context -- that a non-NVC'er would hear the unusual style of speaking and think "What's gotten into you?"

Is your project something that is or can be web-based? The Site Build It! service looks like a great company to work with (and cheap) to get your passions online. I'm working on my own project now. Site Build It! Video Tour

If this fits with your project then maybe you don't need the partners.

[cottonwood]

Um...that looks like a scam.

[RonSouther]

Originally Posted by cottonwood

Um...that looks like a scam.

No...not at all...please watch the video....I've built sites for 13 years and I'm astounded at their business model.

The video explains it all....after the video, then judge, but truly it's a gem.

I found this company through this site...Steve Pavlina is a promoter of the service if that helps. Site Build It

I haven't seen "the catch" yet. The catch is that you have to create real original content and create a real site offering real value. That's the business model.