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Monicab · 11-13-2011, 01:11 PM

I don't seem to be able to find a rational way of dealing with a situation which I find to be fundamentaly wrong. My 'best' friend, Sue, and I have been friends for nearing 30 years now (I'm 39). She lives in another town and for the past 20 years I have not seen all too much of her but when her boyfriend of 14 years broke up with her last year she turned to me for support. We would spend many hours on the phone talking etc. and whenever she was having a bad day she would contact me. Early this year my boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me and I would also contact Sue when i was having bad days. Despite the hurt of the breakup I have remained friends with my ex. Early on in the year Sue and I made plans for her to come and visit me for a week over my birthday and I bought her a ticket. We both thought it would be good idea to catchup and have a good time. My ex, who Sue had only met once before about 4 years ago, came to my birthday celebrations. It also just happened to be that he was on leave the same week she was here and he offered to take us to a couple of places Sue may be interested in seeing. I didn't mind this as everyone was getting along but as the week went by Sue was encouraging him to spend almost every day and evening with us, sometimes with him sleeping on the couch. I spoke to both them separately about this, asking that perhaps we have a couple of days to just do our thing. They both would agree but whenever it was time for him to leave Sue would make plans for the next day. I was clearly now a third wheel. By the time it was for Sue to leave I was relieved to say the least. I had not wanted to make a nasty scene when she was here but when she left I told her that I didn't think that her bonding with my ex was at all appropriate given the fact that she never had a prior relationship with him and the past 6 months I had been crying on her shoulder about our breakup. Her reaction was "but I really like him". I also spoke to him. I do not want my ex back, it's not about him. I do not have an issue with him being friends with her, I have an issue with her being friends with him. Does this make sense ? He hasn't betrayed me being her friend but she certaintly has in my mind. I did let things lie for a few months but have recently been told how the two of them speak regularly on the phone despite me telling her at the time how her being friends with him makes me feel. I realised when she said "but I really like him" that I had lost my confidante but now i'm starting to wonder whether I should just consider this long friendship over. Obviously my feelings mean absolutely nothing. I know I would never in a million years have done this to any of my friends so why put up with it or will I look back a few years from now when its not so raw maybe I'll regret cutting those ties.

RonSouther · 11-13-2011, 01:49 PM

A true friendship is total freedom for the other...a true friendship is the highest form of love. It's about live and let live. It's a rise in love where the rise is possible but not an emotional crutch. It's a sharing and a receiving, not a giving to get.

Yes, let go and what's real will remain and what never was will disappear.

Monicab · 11-13-2011, 05:10 PM

Thanks for your reply and advice Ron, much appreciated.
I think it would be great if we could strive towards approaching friendships as you have defined them. In case I gave the wrong impression, my friendship with Sue has never been about an emotional crutch on either side but it certaintly has included sharing the bad times along with the good times - and living so far from one another for so long, a lot of that has had to do with more emotionally based issues as you can well appreciate - most of the times I contact her are to find out how she is doing and are not related to anything else. But we have been like sisters for so long and talking to her is like the expression "a problem shares is a problem halved". Furthermore I'm a private person (well, this post excluded

) and I don't wear my heart on my sleeve easily so yes, I do miss having her to discuss things with because I do find it helps and she still rings me up or mails me often with her ex issues. I know people are free to be friends with whomever they want but I just don't know why she has chosen to be his friend. Added to this is the fact that she lives hundreds of miles away and she would live quite easily without having fledged a friendship with him. And as much as I am friends with him, it is rather an armslength friendship as there and I do not feel at all comfortable with the two of them having regular telephone conversations. My gut feel is just that it is wrong, but I will take your advice to let it go because I know too that is the best way of dealing with it. Thanks again

RonSouther · 11-13-2011, 05:33 PM

Your welcome Monicab!

Just offering perspective.

Love only happens in freedom and from real friendships are about love and not solely for usefulness. We've all experienced people that smother us and people that allow us to live and we've made mistakes from neediness and in other relatings somehow got it right.

Freedom starts with seeing each person including self as an individual and not as property. That each person including self is neither superior nor inferior, yet unique. That where we have a harmony, we can rise and where we don't, we allow it and don't try to force something that isn't there.

Friendship done right is actually a pure love than anything in "marriage" unless that marriage is really a deep friendship. Pragmatically, we see happier friendships than we do marriages because marriage in actually has an attitude of possession in it where friendship does not.

dreamland · 11-13-2011, 05:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Monicab

My gut feel is just that it is wrong, but I will take your advice to let it go because I know too that is the best way of dealing with it. Thanks again

Maybe you should listen to your gut? I've learned that I made the biggest mistakes in my life when ignoring it and trying to rationalize bad situations....
I really don't want to be the bad guy here, but something tells me she doesn't have your best interest on her mind.
If you told her how uncomfortable this situation makes you feel, she should have immediately retreat and show her LOYALITY to you.
Why would he be more important than you are? You know each other much longer...

I had throughout the life very ''caring'' friends who liked to play games all in ''my best interest''... yeah, I had to learn the hard way... they are no longer a part of my life...

And being friend with an ex you still have feelings for is NOT a smart idea... again, I learned that the hard way... you have to heal first and it takes time for that... cut him from your life, at least, till you are not that comfortable seeing him with another woman you just couldn't care less...
Take care of YOURSELF right now, trust me, they are doing what's in THEIR best interest is, not in yours...

Good luck

RonSouther · 11-13-2011, 05:38 PM

You never ever "lose" by letting go. In that freedom, the other will stay because of love or go because you aren't a crutch anymore or go because she isn't feeling like your world is going to end anymore. In freedom, love surfaces and the rest disappears.

By letting go, you gain truth, and enjoy what's real. No more wondering.

Monicab · 11-14-2011, 02:06 AM

You hit the nail on the head Dreamland. That is exactly how I feel - that she has ploughed ahead in a manner that she knows, because i told her, I didn't think was appropriate and that was upsettignto me. The friendship she has with my ex is at my exclusion - neither of them discuss it with me. The reason I found out this time that they were still in contact was that I mentioned to her that it had been my ex's birthday and she said knew because they chat often on a messanger site and speak regularly on the phone. It's just odd.

In normal circumstances I have no problem with it - my ex is still friends with the friends of mine he got to known when we were a couple. In fact, he's very good friends with my brother and the two of them see each other more often than I do. Sue is still friends with an my ex before him - we went out for over ten years and Sue had met him many times. I have no problem with that whatsoever but I have a problem with her befriending my now ex as she was not friends with him when we were a couple.

JackDalton · 11-14-2011, 03:51 AM

As someone who was on the other side of a situation not entirely unlike yours a long time ago...

You don't have the right to lay claim to someone you aren't with, and it sounds like you broke up before they met. You wouldn't be upset if it was a stranger instead of your friend, and the fact that she is your friend really doesn't change the situation even if it feels like it should. Obviously though, it means your friend probably isn't a good person to use for emotional support overe the breakup either.

If it makes you uncomfortable to try and maintain the friendship at the level you used to, back off until you're ok with it. Maybe that's completely walking away, maybe it's not. But try to step back a little bit and avoid the temptation to hold a grudge or be angry at the situation or her.

dreamland · 11-14-2011, 08:06 AM

It's not worth of your attention, it's too painful to be around them.
Your friend is not your real friend because she wouldn't be doing this to you after you told her that it makes you feel bad. These are the facts. You said you would never do that to your friend.
Your ex is not the only man in the world and I am sure she would be able to survive without him.

I don't know about your ex, but he too should have been more considerate.
You have to get over him and you can't do that if you are still in the storm of emotions around them.
Too me, it took years, because I was on and off with my ex and it was terrible, I was too weak too loose all the contacts.
One day was enough, my eyes were open for the first time and I deleted him out of my life. He couldn't reach me anymore (which of course made him crazy and he did everything he could to get back to me). I had to go so far to leave my old friends.

After a year, not only I could see him with another girl I was THANKFUL I am no longer with him, we weren't good for each other and I felt NOTHING when I would see him, he was like a stranger to me.
I had no attention to befriend him again, in the meanwhile I met some new, great people.

The point is, I was able to get over it only after I removed myself from him. You can't expect to heal if you still have hopes, if you still feel pain when thinking of him and most certainly not when your friend is doing sth behind your back and you are obsessing over situation.
I bet they are not that good friends, but it hurts you.

Someone said you are trying to claim him. Wrong. You are just hurt, feel betrayed (it doesn't matter if you are being irrational, because if you loved someone than break up WILL hurt a lot) and you can't move forward.
I have female friends, some of them had really bad break ups with great guys, I had situations where the guy would come to me after some time and tell me he likes me and want to be with me.
Whaaaat?
Go away, little man, you broke heart to my friend and you have nerve to come to me with such a request?
(I wasn't mean like that, but I lost all contact with them after that).
It's only about loyality really and respect toward the other person.
I would like to see HER if you befriended her ex, I bet she would be crazy as hell.

I really don't like that kind of people, and especially not the way they represent the situation as sth normal and easy when they know you are in pain.
Please, go manipulate someone new, I am done here.

11-13-2011, 01:11 PM	#1 (permalink)
Monicab Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2011 Posts: 4	Do I let this go ? I don't seem to be able to find a rational way of dealing with a situation which I find to be fundamentaly wrong. My 'best' friend, Sue, and I have been friends for nearing 30 years now (I'm 39). She lives in another town and for the past 20 years I have not seen all too much of her but when her boyfriend of 14 years broke up with her last year she turned to me for support. We would spend many hours on the phone talking etc. and whenever she was having a bad day she would contact me. Early this year my boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me and I would also contact Sue when i was having bad days. Despite the hurt of the breakup I have remained friends with my ex. Early on in the year Sue and I made plans for her to come and visit me for a week over my birthday and I bought her a ticket. We both thought it would be good idea to catchup and have a good time. My ex, who Sue had only met once before about 4 years ago, came to my birthday celebrations. It also just happened to be that he was on leave the same week she was here and he offered to take us to a couple of places Sue may be interested in seeing. I didn't mind this as everyone was getting along but as the week went by Sue was encouraging him to spend almost every day and evening with us, sometimes with him sleeping on the couch. I spoke to both them separately about this, asking that perhaps we have a couple of days to just do our thing. They both would agree but whenever it was time for him to leave Sue would make plans for the next day. I was clearly now a third wheel. By the time it was for Sue to leave I was relieved to say the least. I had not wanted to make a nasty scene when she was here but when she left I told her that I didn't think that her bonding with my ex was at all appropriate given the fact that she never had a prior relationship with him and the past 6 months I had been crying on her shoulder about our breakup. Her reaction was "but I really like him". I also spoke to him. I do not want my ex back, it's not about him. I do not have an issue with him being friends with her, I have an issue with her being friends with him. Does this make sense ? He hasn't betrayed me being her friend but she certaintly has in my mind. I did let things lie for a few months but have recently been told how the two of them speak regularly on the phone despite me telling her at the time how her being friends with him makes me feel. I realised when she said "but I really like him" that I had lost my confidante but now i'm starting to wonder whether I should just consider this long friendship over. Obviously my feelings mean absolutely nothing. I know I would never in a million years have done this to any of my friends so why put up with it or will I look back a few years from now when its not so raw maybe I'll regret cutting those ties.

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11-13-2011, 01:49 PM	#2 (permalink)
RonSouther Family Member Join Date: Oct 2011 Posts: 1,400	A true friendship is total freedom for the other...a true friendship is the highest form of love. It's about live and let live. It's a rise in love where the rise is possible but not an emotional crutch. It's a sharing and a receiving, not a giving to get. Yes, let go and what's real will remain and what never was will disappear.

11-13-2011, 05:10 PM	#3 (permalink)
Monicab Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2011 Posts: 4	Thanks for your reply and advice Ron, much appreciated. I think it would be great if we could strive towards approaching friendships as you have defined them. In case I gave the wrong impression, my friendship with Sue has never been about an emotional crutch on either side but it certaintly has included sharing the bad times along with the good times - and living so far from one another for so long, a lot of that has had to do with more emotionally based issues as you can well appreciate - most of the times I contact her are to find out how she is doing and are not related to anything else. But we have been like sisters for so long and talking to her is like the expression "a problem shares is a problem halved". Furthermore I'm a private person (well, this post excluded ) and I don't wear my heart on my sleeve easily so yes, I do miss having her to discuss things with because I do find it helps and she still rings me up or mails me often with her ex issues. I know people are free to be friends with whomever they want but I just don't know why she has chosen to be his friend. Added to this is the fact that she lives hundreds of miles away and she would live quite easily without having fledged a friendship with him. And as much as I am friends with him, it is rather an armslength friendship as there and I do not feel at all comfortable with the two of them having regular telephone conversations. My gut feel is just that it is wrong, but I will take your advice to let it go because I know too that is the best way of dealing with it. Thanks again

11-13-2011, 05:33 PM	#4 (permalink)
RonSouther Family Member Join Date: Oct 2011 Posts: 1,400	Your welcome Monicab! Just offering perspective. Love only happens in freedom and from real friendships are about love and not solely for usefulness. We've all experienced people that smother us and people that allow us to live and we've made mistakes from neediness and in other relatings somehow got it right. Freedom starts with seeing each person including self as an individual and not as property. That each person including self is neither superior nor inferior, yet unique. That where we have a harmony, we can rise and where we don't, we allow it and don't try to force something that isn't there. Friendship done right is actually a pure love than anything in "marriage" unless that marriage is really a deep friendship. Pragmatically, we see happier friendships than we do marriages because marriage in actually has an attitude of possession in it where friendship does not.

11-13-2011, 05:38 PM	#6 (permalink)
RonSouther Family Member Join Date: Oct 2011 Posts: 1,400	You never ever "lose" by letting go. In that freedom, the other will stay because of love or go because you aren't a crutch anymore or go because she isn't feeling like your world is going to end anymore. In freedom, love surfaces and the rest disappears. By letting go, you gain truth, and enjoy what's real. No more wondering.

11-14-2011, 02:06 AM	#7 (permalink)
Monicab Junior Member Join Date: Nov 2011 Posts: 4	You hit the nail on the head Dreamland. That is exactly how I feel - that she has ploughed ahead in a manner that she knows, because i told her, I didn't think was appropriate and that was upsettignto me. The friendship she has with my ex is at my exclusion - neither of them discuss it with me. The reason I found out this time that they were still in contact was that I mentioned to her that it had been my ex's birthday and she said knew because they chat often on a messanger site and speak regularly on the phone. It's just odd. In normal circumstances I have no problem with it - my ex is still friends with the friends of mine he got to known when we were a couple. In fact, he's very good friends with my brother and the two of them see each other more often than I do. Sue is still friends with an my ex before him - we went out for over ten years and Sue had met him many times. I have no problem with that whatsoever but I have a problem with her befriending my now ex as she was not friends with him when we were a couple.

11-14-2011, 03:51 AM	#8 (permalink)
JackDalton Junior Member Join Date: Sep 2011 Posts: 4	As someone who was on the other side of a situation not entirely unlike yours a long time ago... You don't have the right to lay claim to someone you aren't with, and it sounds like you broke up before they met. You wouldn't be upset if it was a stranger instead of your friend, and the fact that she is your friend really doesn't change the situation even if it feels like it should. Obviously though, it means your friend probably isn't a good person to use for emotional support overe the breakup either. If it makes you uncomfortable to try and maintain the friendship at the level you used to, back off until you're ok with it. Maybe that's completely walking away, maybe it's not. But try to step back a little bit and avoid the temptation to hold a grudge or be angry at the situation or her.

11-14-2011, 08:06 AM	#9 (permalink)
dreamland Member Join Date: Apr 2011 Posts: 97	It's not worth of your attention, it's too painful to be around them. Your friend is not your real friend because she wouldn't be doing this to you after you told her that it makes you feel bad. These are the facts. You said you would never do that to your friend. Your ex is not the only man in the world and I am sure she would be able to survive without him. I don't know about your ex, but he too should have been more considerate. You have to get over him and you can't do that if you are still in the storm of emotions around them. Too me, it took years, because I was on and off with my ex and it was terrible, I was too weak too loose all the contacts. One day was enough, my eyes were open for the first time and I deleted him out of my life. He couldn't reach me anymore (which of course made him crazy and he did everything he could to get back to me). I had to go so far to leave my old friends. After a year, not only I could see him with another girl I was THANKFUL I am no longer with him, we weren't good for each other and I felt NOTHING when I would see him, he was like a stranger to me. I had no attention to befriend him again, in the meanwhile I met some new, great people. The point is, I was able to get over it only after I removed myself from him. You can't expect to heal if you still have hopes, if you still feel pain when thinking of him and most certainly not when your friend is doing sth behind your back and you are obsessing over situation. I bet they are not that good friends, but it hurts you. Someone said you are trying to claim him. Wrong. You are just hurt, feel betrayed (it doesn't matter if you are being irrational, because if you loved someone than break up WILL hurt a lot) and you can't move forward. I have female friends, some of them had really bad break ups with great guys, I had situations where the guy would come to me after some time and tell me he likes me and want to be with me. Whaaaat? Go away, little man, you broke heart to my friend and you have nerve to come to me with such a request? (I wasn't mean like that, but I lost all contact with them after that). It's only about loyality really and respect toward the other person. I would like to see HER if you befriended her ex, I bet she would be crazy as hell. I really don't like that kind of people, and especially not the way they represent the situation as sth normal and easy when they know you are in pain. Please, go manipulate someone new, I am done here.

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