Social advice needed

[nistacular]

EDIT: yeah... this probably should be in the social and relationships forum, sorry about that.

I've come a ways from when I first posted about anxiety - now I'm able to be truly conscious and aware when I'm around people...

But it's like I have this very very very faint vision of who I want to be, but I'm so totally not that person, or anywhere close.

Where I am at now:
-I sound rather unexcited in person, and not as INTO conversations as I used to be. If you talked to me I'd probably have very little to talk about until we were really good friends, and even then I wouldn't talk a whole lot.
-I still have literally no friends, and live by myself
-Something about my voice makes me feel less conscious (or, more self conscious rather), mainly around people I don't know... it's like I don't like talking at all? Everyone else seems so natural, but I just want to convey information, I don't want to actually TALK. This makes me rather awkward, which in turn occasionally brings back my anxiety. Usually I'm good about not bringing it home with me (something I really struggled with before) at least.

Is it just a matter of learning social skills? I want to love myself, and be someone that society enjoys, not just accepts.

Another random question that has confused me for much of my life: when people smile for photos, are they really happy? Because I seriously can't smile unless I'm happy. How can you just smile? I can put on a fake smile sure, but it'll look hilariously fake. Is this sort of like part of your ego that I just don't have? I only smile when I laugh, when I'm thinking about something that's making me happy, when I feel love, or out of respect in certain situations - which generates a fake looking smile, or makes me look passive aggressive.

[Faceless]

You shouldn't feel awkward for not being able to smile for photos, that just means you're not as comfortable with putting on a facade as most other people. You come across as a much more "natural" person than most others to me. You also shouldn't feel awkward for not being very talkative, most people talk FAR too recklessly, with very little (if anything) of what they're saying having any true value or meaning. It's easy to feel insecure about not being talkative when everyone around you is talking up a storm, just try to stay centered and act as naturally as possible, there's no need to act like a clone just to impress people or be one with the herd. You don't want to be a part of the herd anyway, the herd is boring and extremely overrated. Just be yourself.

[nistacular]

But I'm still not content about who I am to others.... life would so boring being a non-talkative person with little influence... I love people. But I can't bring myself to talk naturally most of the time... I haven't had a good friend in so long, it's killing me, and now it's leaving me dissatisfied with who I am. I don't view this as a negative thing... it's like wanting to be more charismatic. How possible do you think this is?

You're right though... the herd in overrated. Ideally I'd find myself the perfect gf, and then I would probably stop complaining, but that's even less likely

My question about smiling in photos - I literally don't understand putting on a facade. I mean, I can't bring myself to move the muscles in my face to make a genuine smile unless I'm experiencing happiness. How do they do it?

[ddhamilt]

It's isn't about forcing yourself to smile or doing things to change your behavior. This will not work.

If you have social anxiety like I think you do, it is about changing your beliefs about yourself and being social, including and lack of self-accepetance and bad self-image (when you said "I am not content with myself'.)

This is all very fixable with cognitive-behavioral therapy and it is MUCH more important to change your beliefs and thoughts than to just try to smile more or harder, or make more eye contact, etc. Believe me I've been down that road and while you might make some temporary progress, you're sure to fall back into your old ways because it's in your neurobiology currently.

Again this is all changeable and CBT is one of the best methods for treating social anxiety.