Totally disempowered

[asdf]

I've now been feeling increasingly disempowered for several years, but the situation worsened quickly during the last twelve month and seemed to reach some kind of climax recently. Unfortunately, I don't know the reason for this situation but perhaps someone else can give me a hint here.

About me:
Actually, I could be a very happy person. I'm visiting one of the world's leading universities in my field, have great job perspectives, get decent support from friends, my university and my family and I'm achieving decent results in what I am doing.

However, I am constantly feeling like I'm some kind of zombie or I'm stuck in a non-lucid dream. My entire mind is messy and unfocused, everything I perceive is blurry. I am a very intuitive and analytical person - but on the other side, my abilities to perceive and feel seems to be underdeveloped. I am procrastinating even at things I like to do, I am constantly nervous but at the same time also tired. My whole life seems to be very superficial

I've been talking to tons of psychologists, went to church, moved to other countries, read tons of personal developing stuff, but nothing seemed to help. In contrary, my mind even got messier than it was before.

I know that this post is rather messy and not actually saying much, but that's mainly due to the situation - so please feel free to ask questions.

Does anyone have any idea what else I could try to get a clear mind and feel empowered again?

[Maguru]

Originally Posted by asdf

I've now been feeling increasingly disempowered for several years, but the situation worsened quickly during the last twelve month and seemed to reach some kind of climax recently. Unfortunately, I don't know the reason for this situation but perhaps someone else can give me a hint here.

About me:
Actually, I could be a very happy person. I'm visiting one of the world's leading universities in my field, have great job perspectives, get decent support from friends, my university and my family and I'm achieving decent results in what I am doing.

However, I am constantly feeling like I'm some kind of zombie or I'm stuck in a non-lucid dream. My entire mind is messy and unfocused, everything I perceive is blurry. I am a very intuitive and analytical person - but on the other side, my abilities to perceive and feel seems to be underdeveloped. I am procrastinating even at things I like to do, I am constantly nervous but at the same time also tired. My whole life seems to be very superficial

I've been talking to tons of psychologists, went to church, moved to other countries, read tons of personal developing stuff, but nothing seemed to help. In contrary, my mind even got messier than it was before.

I know that this post is rather messy and not actually saying much, but that's mainly due to the situation - so please feel free to ask questions.

Does anyone have any idea what else I could try to get a clear mind and feel empowered again?

I imagine it would be very tiring with so much on your mind and I think it's a perfectly normal response to everything that has been put there. It's like you get lost in all this information and the last thing you need is more information. Give yourself a rest and be kind to yourself.

[Faceless]

Originally Posted by asdf

However, I am constantly feeling like I'm some kind of zombie or I'm stuck in a non-lucid dream. My entire mind is messy and unfocused, everything I perceive is blurry. I am a very intuitive and analytical person - but on the other side, my abilities to perceive and feel seems to be underdeveloped. I am procrastinating even at things I like to do, I am constantly nervous but at the same time also tired. My whole life seems to be very superficial

I could've written this, seriously. It fits everything I've been feeling this year perfectly. The way I'm feeling makes me not want to do anything at all, but I know that's not really an option so I basically just wander around aimlessly, without a clue as to what I'm supposed to do with myself, trapped in some kind of invisible prison. Nothing I ever do brings me any kind of joy or satisfaction anymore, I feel more like an android being remotely controlled than a sentient human being. The feeling is overwhelming and paralyzing. Relaxation is non-existent and inaccessible, and I cannot concentrate on anything with a significant degree of focus. I can only hope this feeling will pass soon, but it's been with me this entire year so far so I'm pretty worried. I can't even sleep at night and expect some temporary relief, my dreams are horrible and extremely disturbing. Life is intolerably miserable with this invisible virtual reality helmet on.

[Laurenaus]

the first thing that hit me when i read the posts in this thread was DEPRESSION. It could be a chemical imbalance/neurotransmitter problems you guys can be having. Not in a sad I wanna slit my wrists kind of way but more like if something great happens to you guys you will remain unphased. We were talking about it in my medical terminology class the other day, if you've been in this state for awhile it's time to look into it.

[asdf]

the first thing that hit me when i read the posts in this thread was DEPRESSION. It could be a chemical imbalance/neurotransmitter problems you guys can be having. Not in a sad I wanna slit my wrists kind of way but more like if something great happens to you guys you will remain unphased. We were talking about it in my medical terminology class the other day, if you've been in this state for awhile it's time to look into it.

Depression in that sense might be an option... but what solution would that imply?

Taking it down the neuro science path is an interesting idea indeed. If animals of all kind, down to the reptiles, get afraid, they know exactly three reactions programmed in their cerebellum: escape (procrastinate), attack (nervosity) or freeze (paralysis). The cerebrum, where our main intelligent thinking goes on, is "turned off", thus receives less blood, and we are not that smart anymore.
Non of these reactions is very helpful in our modern society - they lead to unwanted result and reinforce anxiety. But exactly these reactions are basically what I am observing from myself, they are making me feel zombie-like (or reptile-like).

This implies that I absolutely need to figure out what I am afraid of. I'll give it a thought and come back again in the evening (GMT).

[Moriarty]

the first thing that jumped out at me was you saying intuitive/analytical both hand-in-hand. For me, a road-map to what your going through. Best idea is to choose one as more prominant then the other. I'm guessing you will choose analytical judging by your profession. When you try to use both without knowing what your doing, they are in conflict. I didnt say you cant utilise both energies, only that you will need to understand and harness both to work for you. Right now its kinda like..."shall i step over here, or over there?" type thing.

[awdye]

My impression is that you are stuck in your head and not allowing any playful passion in. The spirit needs to be nurtured too.

Is some little voice, or maybe a big one, saying you're not allowed to have fun right now?

You can give yourself permission. It's not just for kids.

The less you analyze it, the more enjoyable it will be.

EDIT - Also...the hard work you've done won't go away if you decide to climb a tree. Or jump in mud puddles. Or...

Live a little. It's not all about work and school.

[mugenishere]

Originally Posted by asdf

I've now been feeling increasingly disempowered for several years, but the situation worsened quickly during the last twelve month and seemed to reach some kind of climax recently. Unfortunately, I don't know the reason for this situation but perhaps someone else can give me a hint here.

About me:
Actually, I could be a very happy person. I'm visiting one of the world's leading universities in my field, have great job perspectives, get decent support from friends, my university and my family and I'm achieving decent results in what I am doing.

However, I am constantly feeling like I'm some kind of zombie or I'm stuck in a non-lucid dream. My entire mind is messy and unfocused, everything I perceive is blurry. I am a very intuitive and analytical person - but on the other side, my abilities to perceive and feel seems to be underdeveloped. I am procrastinating even at things I like to do, I am constantly nervous but at the same time also tired. My whole life seems to be very superficial

I've been talking to tons of psychologists, went to church, moved to other countries, read tons of personal developing stuff, but nothing seemed to help. In contrary, my mind even got messier than it was before.

I know that this post is rather messy and not actually saying much, but that's mainly due to the situation - so please feel free to ask questions.

Does anyone have any idea what else I could try to get a clear mind and feel empowered again?

One thing that occurs to me immediately on reading your post is that you are having too many thoughts in your mind. It appears that you are undecided about many things - maybe about your life, where you want it to go, what you want and what you actually get, whether you feel deserving of whatever you get or something else. The inner conflict that you are might be having might make you to constantly keep evaluating those things - trying to solve those problems. Thus your mind doesn't feel clear, and you are not completely engaged in perceiving the real world. This would also explain why you feel that life is unreal. Do you think this could be the reason?

If this is the case then I think that it might help you a lot to sort out whatever issues/conflicts you have inside of yourself. The easiest way I know of this is to write a diary. It can be a very soothing and relaxing experience and your mind will feel much clearer everytime you write as frankly and as directly as possible in your diary. Just open a blank page and start writing down whatever thoughts come to your head. Think about it as pouring out all of your thoughts you have all onto the paper. If you want to know more about how to write your diary let me know.

[Soul Reaver]

By all means delve into what you want to do professionally.

But as an experience....and I'm not in the slightest a proponent of relationships to fix anything in life but....have you ever loved anyone?

The ability to perceive and feel anOther in a loving, focused way might be something that is missing in your repertoire of experience?

I'm not talking about dating. Or having someone that fits into your current goals and doesn't rock the boat. I'm talking about someone special.

[asdf]

Thus your mind doesn't feel clear, and you are not completely engaged in perceiving the real world. This would also explain why you feel that life is unreal. Do you think this could be the reason?

Perhaps my inner conflict is my current relationship. I do love my girlfriend but she's really disempowering me as she is a rather weak person with many psychological issues (which she refuses to face). I know that it would be better for my life if I'd drop her but I can't - I have that strong urge to protect her from everything, including herself.

I do love her indeed and I know she loves me very much too, but she's not appreciating me for what I am doing much, she behaves very disrespectfully once she loses her temper (which happens on the daily) and she's generally not very empathic when interacting with other people. Moreover, she needs me to do virtually everything for her - and expects me to do it.

One example would be that when I'm having exams, getting very stressed and anxious from the huge amount of work and could use some support, she's usually not trying to understand why I can't go to cinema with her and gets very upset if I don't go. Then she won't let me study until I go with her or comfort her. If I just lock her out of my study (which I did once when I was really short on time) she kicks against the door until it breaks.

I know that looking at this situation, most sane persons would urge me to leave her. But for me, she's like a daughter and I know that if we break up, I'll probably never see her again (as she'll return to her home town) which would be very hard for me as I've really got a strong protection instinct and want to help her to develop herself - but can't do so if she's thousands of miles away.

This is probably that annoying inner conflict I can't solve and that I'm refusing to face therefore.