Feeling angry, frustrated, guilty and hopeless

[ZannityZan]

I've been reading Steve's articles and the forums for a while, and I feel like this would be the best place to post and get some advice about my current situation. I've been holding back from posting this for some time, as I kept trying to persuade myself that things would get better and that there was no need to share my weaknesses with the world at large, and I feel guilty for complaining when there are people out there who are 273842384 times worse off than me. But it's got to the point where the smallest things are setting me off and I feel less and less able to cope... so here goes.

I'm 22, and was an international student in the UK until I graduated a few months ago. I'm now working back in my home country and living with my parents with the intention of returning to the UK to look for a better job in a couple of months' time. For a while now I've had extremely low self-esteem, which got slightly better with therapy, but has now sunk back down again. As of now, I feel completely hopeless and think the world would be better off if I wasn't a part of it. I'll break up the various factors which have affected me into sections so that it's easier to read through. Apologies for the overall length :/

Academics: I was top of my class throughout school, and got into a high-ranking UK uni on scholarship. Once I got to uni, however, things started to change. The work turned out to be much more difficult than I could cope with, and despite feeling like I was trying really hard and doing everything I could, I ended up graduating with a fairly poor degree. The guilt I felt and still feel over my results is immense... I feel like some kind of gold-digging imposter who tricked a bunch of rich people out of their money and failed to deliver what was expected of me.

Love: My love life has consisted of three unrequited attractions, one of which was possibly the strongest and most long-lasting love I've ever felt. After these, I ended up having a vague fling with a random guy (though because I was completely inexperienced and terrified, we never got beyond petting, and I broke it off because I wanted love and companionship, not a purely physical relationship). Finally, when I'd given up and stopped looking, I found someone who was kind, funny and immensely attracted to me, and with whom I had a lot of common interests. Our relationship lasted for the 4 months leading up to graduation and 1 month afterwards, but then he broke up with me, citing lifestyle incompatibilities (a fair point, and something I would have completely understood had it been the only factor), my failure to satisfy him sexually due to my conservative attitude, and the fact that he'd fallen for someone else closer by. Since then, I've been fluctuating between guilt, confusion and intense anger. My dad is fairly conservative and has no idea that I ever had a relationship... my mum does, but just tells me to get over it when I try and talk to her about the breakup. I have no friends in this town, so basically I have no-one to confide in except friends in other places, and I don't want to do that, as they're all busy with their own far more fulfilling lives, and I don't want to intrude upon their time just to have them tell me I'm ridiculous and overanalytical. Also, I just feel like I ought to get through it all without any discernable signs of weakness. I haven't cried over it at all... I don't actually feel capable of letting any of my feelings out except through random spurts of anger at things that nobody else considers particularly worth getting so angry over, like reality shows. I guess I feel guilty for not being over it yet when it's been 3 months, and like admitting that would confirm that I'm a weak person.

Also on the subject of love... recently a long-standing Internet friend who I've never met in person has confessed that he's interested in me, and while I'd like to give a relationship with him a shot once we can actually meet IRL back in the UK, I'm worried about potentially hurting him/unconsciously using him as a rebound. So, while flattering, that's an additional source of stress :/

Family: I have great parents who love me very much and have done everything they could for me. However, since moving back in with them after graduation, I've found they've been getting on my nerves a LOT (especially my dad, with whom I have almost nothing in common any more... I just seem to get irritated with everything he does, especially when I'm PMS-ing, and a lot of the time I can barely conceal my exasperation with him, which is a major source of guilt). My parents love to park outside this particular restaurant to listen to live music there, which would be fine with me if they didn't drag me along all the time (I hate the place... it's seedy, I don't enjoy the songs or the singing, and I don't like any of the singers personally at all, but still have to see them loads because they're my parents' main social group at the moment). If I refuse to come along, I get guilt-tripped into coming along. On the rare occasions when I successfully refuse, I feel guilty about it because I feel like I've upset them, even though, at the end of the day, I have the right to some privacy and alone time. They're also always going on about how I should practice my singing more because I'm so talented (music has been my number one hobby for years), which I guess is fair enough, since they're my parents and want the best for me and I truly don't practice enough any more due to my job taking up a massive chunk of my week, but somehow I feel like I've just... lost a lot of the strong feelings I used to have about music. Listening to people sing emotionlessly for drunkards night after night has made me feel like music as an art is pointless in the long run. I just can't muster the emotion over it that I used to be able to. And my parents don't understand that, and always reprimand me for it rather than trying to help me get to the source of it. And that makes me feel even more guilty.

Society: It's not just my family that I have problems with... it's society here in general, which I find to be quite narrow-minded and uninspiring (and also far too based in religion for my liking). I don't feel like I'm closed-minded enough any more to able to comply with some of the norms here. I can't admit to anyone except my mum (who's a fence-saddler - non-religious, but able to pretend otherwise when it suits her) that I'm an agnostic (and becoming more and more of an atheist each day), because if that gets back to the more religious sections of my family, they'll be hurt and pissed off. So I feel like I have to pretend and live a lie in order to be socially acceptable (well, I don't have to actively pretend to be religious, but I can't be open about my views and opinions on such things), and that really hurts... the knowledge that the real me, being as free and as conscious as I could be, would never be accepted in society here, and the idea that there's something wrong with me for daring to even attempt to be free and conscious.

Friends: Like I said, my only friends are my uni friends and various people I know off the Internet. My uni friends are mostly busy (they're all doing PhDs or have science-related jobs... I'm the only academic failure in the group), so like I said before, I don't feel comfortable bothering them. I've mostly lost touch with a lot of my old Internet friends due to having slow Internet and no time to get online for extended periods of time to chat like I used to (the Internet is blocked at my workplace except at lunchtime and after hours), and also because I just can't face talking to them, somehow, just because I feel like I'm such a horrible, flawed, damaged person.. I've been spending a large fraction of the time I do have messaging people on a dating site and talking about the various worldly and philosophical conundrums of love and intimacy, because I find talking to randomers easier than talking to people I'm actually friends with (since if they tell me I'm crazy or ridiculous, it doesn't hurt as much). Some of them have become friends of sorts over time, but as I've never met any of them personally, I'm basically pretty much friendless as of now as far as immediate support and company are concerned.

[ZannityZan]

Sex: I was brought up conservatively and taught that pre-marital sex and excessive promiscuity and skin exposure were wrong. When I got into a relationship, we didn't have sex for that reason. I got used to some aspects of being physical with a guy, but generally had a problem with genital contact and just plain letting go of myself. This made my ex feel like I was rejecting him on a physical level/didn't find him attractive. I tried very hard to get more comfortable with it all, but just couldn't, and I felt really guilty, because I didn't understand why I didn't feel a desire to do things sexually for someone I claimed to love. His resentment and frustration built up over time and was one of the reasons for our breakup. Ironically, since the breakup, I've been extremely sexually frustrated. Due to a lack of privacy, I can't let it out through masturbation, so I ended up getting back in touch with the guy from uni who I had a fling with and having cyber sex with him a couple of times through a series of FB messages. And I feel really guilty about that because it goes against my culture and upbringing, and I feel like there must be something wrong with me because I don't know anyone else who has the urge to do anything of that sort. I stopped messaging this guy in a sexual context once the Internet friend I mentioned confessed he was interested in me (even though I don't know if anything romantic will happen there), but I still feel like a massive slut and a generally horrible person.

Job & Future: I'm currently in a job which has nothing to do with my degree that I'm really not enjoying. I want to go back to the UK and look for a more relevant job (preferably in the food industry), and am saving up the money I'm earning here to cover the cost of my visa and flight. However, due to the economic situation, a lot of people here are advising me against going back to the UK, saying that it's really tough and I'll never get a job, and talking about how this random person they know went back and failed to get a job and had to come back to Kenya with his tail between his legs. My parents would rather I go to Canada, as supposedly it's less economically-affected, and I have family there who I can stay with, but I'd personally much prefer to try and make it in the UK, at least at first, as I genuinely love England, and also feel like I need to get away from all my relatives (for a while, at least), just to find myself and be what I personally want to be (well, first to actually understand what the hell it is I want out of life). I'm tired of interference, however well-meant it may be - everyone's saying I should do different things and confusing me, and I just want them all to shut up so I can get on with my life and do what I feel like doing. But the idea that I could go back to the UK and completely fail to get a job is just so depressing, and the thought of that shakes my resolve to go back there and the little conviction I have that something will work out if I truly want it and go for it with the right attitude. Also, if I do go back, I'll have to settle somewhere cheap, even if it's a completely random town, and I'll feel purposeless settling somewhere where I don't know anybody and have no reason to meet anybody new, and will probably be even lonelier than I am now. Basically, I'm held back by the fear that going back might actually make my life worse... but if I don't get out of here soon, I'm actually going to go mad.

I'd like some advice as to what I could do to get out of this horrible rut, how I can stop feeling so angry and wretched all the time, and what people think about going back to the UK against the odds. If you've actually read the whole post, I really, really appreciate the time you've spent, you're a wonderful person, and you seriously deserve a cookie!! *gives*

[rawxstasy]

Hi,

First of all, congratulations on your success with finishing school! I think you are being very hard on yourself. Remind yourself of your accomplishments - and you do have accomplishments. First of all, for a foreign student your English is perfect, better than many native speakers.

Having sexual feelings is normal for women. It is your society that makes women feel like sluts for feeling sexual desires. I believe there are many countries in Africa that practice female circumcision so the women won't "run around" Since Kenya is close to some of those countries it's not surprising women are shamed for feeling sexual.

Maybe you had difficulty in university because you were in a totally different culture and put a lot of pressure on yourself? I think many people find they do well in high school and have a tough time in college because it's just so different. I don't know about the UK but I was very frustrated when starting college and had difficulities and I'm from here. I can't imagine if it's someone from a totally different country.

As far as going to Canada. Your relatives may be right. I don't know how the job situation is in UK but in America it's pretty bad in some areas. I also heard that some Americans are trying to immigrate to Canada for this reason. I think Canada has opened their immigration policy more recently but it's not easy to immigrate there. But you might have an easier time being from Africa and having a degree.

I think you should just put up with your parents and society until you can leave. It will come soon enough. Hope I helped some.

[ZannityZan]

Thanks, rawxstacy It's quite a relief to have gotten all this off my chest (in some sense of the phrase).

Thank you for the congratulations too! I suppose it does say something for me that I got through my degree with Hons., regardless of the degree class. My college tutor said that too, about how I should be proud of myself for being from a different culture and stuff. I suppose it's true that I underwent a lot of changes as a person during my time at uni, and I had to try and come to terms with all that while also having to get all my work done. But I don't know for sure if the different culture aspect of things actually affected me all that much. My instinctive inward reaction is, "Well, why should it have affected you, and why couldn't you just get past it like everybody else?" I guess that's the sort of reaction I need to change!

You're right about the sexual thing not being something to be ashamed of. I think I know that on an intellectual level... it's just unlearning deep-rooted beliefs that say exactly the opposite that's proving difficult! I find Steve's articles to be quite helpful in that sense... they always make me feel somewhat freer and more receptive to points of view I would otherwise consider unorthodox. I think I can incorporate that sort of attitude into my personality in time (once I've learned to get over the phase of shouting/wanting to shout at people with views I think are ridiculous!)

Well, with Canada, one of my relatives who lives there can sponsor me. Immigrating there would definitely be possible. Whereas with the UK, I can stay for up to two years on a post-study work visa, and if I haven't managed to get a job and switch to a different visa category by that point, I have to leave. I'm not sure which is the better option. I think I might have to at least give the UK a shot just so I know I tried! I can always try for Canada if that falls through... the downside is that I'd use a lot more money in the process than if I just went to Canada! Dilemma...

Also, I'm glad you approve of my English! I tend to be quite the grammar Nazi

[RonSouther]

ZZ, thanks for sharing! :-)

You said:

. and also feel like I need to get away from all my relatives(fora while, atleast),just to find myself and be what I personally want to be (well, firstto actually understand what the hell it is I want out of life). I'm tired of interference, however well-meant it may be -everyone's saying I should do different things and confusing me, and I just want them all to shut up so I can get on with my lifeand do what I feel like doing

You have stated the problem and given the solution to it. You already know both.

You need the courage to say "NO!!!!" to the mental prison that culture put you in, to face your fears and walk out of that prison. You stated that essentially you're afraid to reject, disappoint or disobey people or social norms. In other words, you're afraid to be yourself and THAT is your misery.

You know the problem and the solution but the help you need is with your fear.

What i have found out through my own journey into fear because I was a lifelong peacekeeper is that the sky never falls. And everytime I did face a fear and came out of the situation, I saw that I really had nothing to fear at all.

The problem is not your parents or society. The problem is that you're not seeing your conditioned mind as the source. That others seem so courageous is because they don't have the same fear for whatever reason, not because they live in a different culture. No, within the same culture are people that seem to have a handle on their individuality and others like you and me that crave it but are too scared to be ourselves.

As you moved into your fears and start seeing that there is nothing to fear then with each new event, your increasing intelligence makes it easier to step into the next fire because you know the fire is not real.

Thanks for your sincerity! :-)

[RonSouther]

ZZ, just read this....really great!

. It's quite a relief to have gotten all this off my chest (in some sense of the phrase).

That is "witnessing"....keep doing that....

Expressing yourself is a SELF-HEALING process. Now, that you DON'T express yourself to the society around you is part of your self-destruction. And it is scary to express yourself when you are feeling negative towards others because who wants to open up a can of worms?? Not me.

But really that is one of THE things that you have to do in life is to be true and that will be rejected by society because society isn't about being true but about public image. You know this and thats why there is fear about calling things like you see them....but when you do express yourself you feel good. Society is asking something unnatural from you and out of you obedience training, you're not used to saying what you feel. You've been taught to "get over it" and suck it up. The truth is that no one is mature enough to handle your feedback so this obedience training is a way to evade.

Society is sick for a reason. You're a living example of the harm. You're a sexual being afraid to allow your true nature because of a conditioned (habitual) idea in your mind. Everyone's mind has been exploited in this way which is why Brits act like Brits, Yankees act like Yankees and so on. Its why Catholics act one way and Jews another. This is all habitual thinking and acting from the earliest years of our lives and it is our prison. Your testimony is proof of how these conditionings steal our joy.

To see how the process of the mind works, how we are conditioned to be something we are not and how it screws up our inner balance....when you can see this then you won't have any trouble saying "no". You will be able to say "no" when you mean it instead of saying "yes" then hating yourself for being a coward. This will sharpen your intelligence because you will have to explain your "no". "Yes's" dont need explaining which is why we give them to avoid conflict, but by doing so we create inner conflict.

Courage will come from understanding.

[ChristsLight]

I'm so sorry you are going through all of this.

The biggest thing to remember and acknowledge is that you don't have to feel these things. No one is making you feel this, though others might trigger it in you, but you are creating the feelings.

You have a lot of limiting beliefs I see in your posts, but let me start with this: you seem to believe that you are horrible and a failure. My question to you is, can you absolutely know that this is true? How might it not be true?

To start you off, I'll tell you what I see.

You went to university in a completely different culture, and did succeed, despite what you say to the contrary. The grades don't matter; what matters is that you got a degree from a good university.

You are responsible and thinking of your future. You aren't someone who simply lives with their parents because it is easier, and sits around all day. You are trying to do something with your life with the resources you have. You are saving money so that you can move and live on the savings while you search for a job.

As someone else said, you have obviously mastered the English language.

You are someone who is willing to stick to her beliefs despite pressure from others. You won't betray your values. Now of course those values might change as you evaluate them, but at least you are faithful to them as you have them. The reactions of matter don't mean anything about you.

All of these, to me, are not attributes of someone who is horrible and a failure. What do you think?

[lifetimelearner]

Originally Posted by ZannityZan

I'd like some advice as to what I could do to get out of this horrible rut, how I can stop feeling so angry and wretched all the time, and what people think about going back to the UK against the odds. If you've actually read the whole post, I really, really appreciate the time you've spent, you're a wonderful person, and you seriously deserve a cookie!! *gives*

can I have my cookie ?

The first word that came to mind when I read your posts was desperation

I would love for you read A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle
In it he talks about our thoughts and emotions
for example -"Almost every human body is under a great deal of strain and stress,not because it is threatened by some external factor but from within the mind "
and -
" one of the most common ego-repair mechanisms is anger "


all of us have been caught in this trap -this delusion-of our own self depreciating thoughts

[Zarg]

Hello ZannityZan,

Please do not be angry at yourself. It's only natural for someone to get into a depressing, reclusive mindset if they are in such a stressful position as you are in right now. From your post, it seems as if you don't really know yourself yet, and from that stems insecurity that allows negativity to dominate your emotional state.

It is wonderful that you had successfully EARNED your university education. You shouldn't feel as if you didn't deserve it, as you had done exactly what was required of you to earn the degree. Perhaps the issue is not the fact that you are not proficient at your specialty, but rather that you are not truly interested with what you had studied? Maybe the issue is that the people who had graduated alongside you are very passionate about pursuing THAT certain career as a life calling.

You really have to look into what it is that made you pursue that area of studies in the first place (are/were you truly inspired and passionate about your career choice, or was it based upon other factors such as family members, wage-earning potential, or just getting an education for the sake of having graduated university). If you had chosen it for the latter reasons, then I hate to tell you that you'd be missing out on actualizing upon so much personal potential throughout your life time. But that is not to say that you won't live a happy life, as you could find happiness in other dimensions of existence, such as your social life, growth in virtue, entertainment, etc). Nevertheless, I truly suggest you take some time to discover yourself, and find what it is your soul is drawn to. Could it possibly be pursuing your music passions or something related to the food industry?

I suggest that you make self-investment a high ranking priority. That could entail anything ranging from reading a book, to physical exercise, learning how to master new cooking recipes, writing out your thoughts or just pondering the meaning of life. Any activity that would contribute to the bettering of a certain skill, idea or virtue would fall under the category of self-investment. You will never have EXTRA time to do such things, but you have to logically weigh your priorities, and by doing so, you'll make time for what is truly useful. For example, you said that music is an interest of yours, but you do not have time to practice, as your job takes up the majority of your week.
You had mentioned that you do not enjoy your job at all and it has nothing to do with your degree. Does it, then, make sense to dedicate most of your time and energy to something that does not have an end-goal in itself aside from making money? Whether it be by altering your money-earning venue itself (asking for less hours/getting another job/pick different shifts/etc), or by down-prioritizing other activities that take up the other portion of your week, try to make some time for personal growth and self-realization. MAKE time to practice music, or whatever it is that you feel like you need to grow in.

It is great that you are making the decision to choose your own pathway instead of letting third-party factors insinuate themselves into your environment. If it is a life in the UK/Canada that will excel your potential to live happily, then you should not let little things disturb your goals and arrangements. Do not be discouraged by anecdotes of ONE PERSON'S misfortune of going back to the UK and not being able to get a job. You will never succeed unless you try. Sure, it may be hard to get a job due to the state of the economy, but it is only a natural law that the harder you try, the more you receive back. It all depends on the strength and moral aptitude of your personal character (which is partially why I was stressing the importance of self-investment).

As a more practical piece of advice, I recommend that you set goals with clear objectives to ensure their completion. For example, there is a difference between setting a goal to "get physically fit by working out and eating healthy" versus "getting physically fit by following a certain exercise program, on predetermined days of the week and following a diet plan". While the end-goal is the same in both scenarios, the former one is vague, while the latter one provides you with a set of steps that need to be taken in order to achieve the goal. Certainly by setting a clearly thought-out goal for yourself with definitive objectives you increase its potential of actualization.

If your main priority for the time being is to go back to the UK or move to Canada, then make a list for yourself of things that need to be completed for that to be happen as positively as it could.

For example, you could set an objective to save up a certain amount of money so that you would be able to live in the UK/Canada for 6 months or a year without a job (extreme scenario). And while you are saving up that money, also invest time and effort in pursuing your music career or whatever it is you will have chosen as a life's calling. When it is time to immigrate, you will be introduced to a new environment (or a new chapter of your life, if you will), relatively financially secure, with a set of skills that you had acquired in Kenya while saving up - the skills that will make you good at the career path you choose, and hopefully mentally well-grounded and enthusiastic about actively partaking in living.

Keep in mind that I am not saying that this is what you HAVE to do, but this is rather an example of a GOAL with a set of OBJECTIVES. You, yourself, have to choose which steps to take in.

That being said, I wish you luck from the bottom of my heart. I hope you take the time to get to know yourself better, and by doing so - the "external" world.

Namaste,

Zarg

[ZannityZan]

RonSouther:

Thank you so much. That is exactly true... I am afraid to be myself. I worry about the consequences of being exactly who I am if that person turns out to not be socially "correct" enough. I guess I associate England with freedom because before I left for uni, a lot of people told me that I shouldn't change as a person, so I entered uni with the then unconscious belief that I had to freeze my pre-uni persona in time and be able to return to it every holiday. And on some level, I didn't believe I'd change enough for it to be a problem anyway. In my final year, when we were discussing trying out long-distance, my now ex-boyfriend said something along the lines of, "I know you, you'll go back to Kenya and hide there and I'll never see you again!" And that worried me, so when I went back home, I focused on maintaining my uni persona as best I could so as not to lose my boyfriend. And that got my parents thinking I'd suddenly changed as a person over the last half a year. Since the breakup, I've slipped back into my old persona to some degree, but I'm more conscious of the fact that it's not entirely me. Lately, and more since discovering Steve's articles, I've been wondering a lot about who I actually am and how I can get to that person underneath all the social conditioning etc. It's a bit like solving a logic puzzle - you might know one or two options are false, but that doesn't narrow the field down enough for you to know what's actually true! Perhaps I should try the "finding your life purpose in 20 minutes" thing. I've been wanting to for a while, but lack of privacy has made me reluctant... but I guess if I'm going to try and find myself, I shouldn't let a little issue like that stop me. And it's certainly better than constant anger!

I used to be very open about my feelings to friends, but recently I've become scared of expressing myself too much out of fear (again) of having them get exasperated at my constant negativity and walk away from me. I do recognise that I have been feeling worse since cutting off a lot of my social support, but that fear has largely surpassed my ability to reach out to people. I think I can get that ability back inch by inch if I can convince myself that I deserve it.

I think I just need to keep reminding myself of all the stuff you've mentioned and of the fact that my own mind is responsible for how I feel. People have said that to me before, but in a blasé, "it's all in your head" kind of way, and that's always elicited a defensive reaction from me inwardly ("What, are you saying there's something wrong with me?"). The way you put it makes much more sense and makes me feel a lot more understood... so thank you very much

ChristsLight:

Thank you Yes, I think it's important that I acknowledge that it is a choice to feel this way, however much it may seem otherwise.

It's heartening to hear that other people see me in a much more positive light than I see myself. I've let myself fall into a trap of assuming that being open with other people is only going to lead to them confirming the limiting beliefs I already have about myself, so it's really good to hear otherwise from you and other people on here. I'm not sure how responsible I necessarily am... I'm generally so tired after work that I do end up just sitting around in front of the TV in the evenings. But I'm not comfortable

lifetimelearner:

*gives you a cookie*

Yes, desperation pretty much sums it all up! I do feel a lot better since posting on here, though... like a fire's been lit inside me. I think I'm going to stop trying to get other people in my life to understand me: those who are going to understand will understand, and the rest will either accept without understanding or walk away... and I'll have to remember that's OK and natural and not anyone's fault, even if it may feel otherwise at the time.

Thanks for the heads up on that book... I've managed to get my hands on it asapdffileforfreeoffthenet *embarrassed face*, so will read it when I can and PM you my thoughts

Zarg:

Firstly, thank you for replying in so much detail, and I feel very honoured to be the target of your first post on here!

You're right in saying that I don't really know myself yet and have allowed insecurity to take over. I'm glad you think that that reaction isn't unnatural and that I should be more forgiving of myself. I think it's worth making myself be nicer to myself in general until that becomes a habit and takes over the negativity (easier said than done, though... but when was anything worth doing easy?)

Ironically, I know many people on my course (Chemical/Process Engineering) who did better than me in the exams who HATED the course with a passion and have now got themselves finance or investment banking jobs. Whereas I really do love my subject. I originally chose it despite there being almost no opportunities in it here in my hometown, simply because I felt drawn to it... the wage-earning prospects were a secondary advantage. And I still think it's the perfect course for me in terms of what I enjoy being exposed to academically. The only thing I'm unsure about when it comes to Chem Eng is not really having the character/temperament to work in an engineering job. Back when I was applying for it, I felt convinced that I would be able to get past that roadblock through sheer academic prowess, and that confidence and pro-activeness would just magically come to me after a bit of time in uni. It's like I could see an 'ideal engineer' version of myself, but didn't know how to get there. Thinking about it now, I feel like I'd work best specialising in some very small aspect of my subject that I'm strong at and learning more about that. I've always found Food Engineering interesting, and I think it'd be worth getting a qualification in that at some point in the future.

I have made self-investment a major priority, and read material of that sort online whenever I can (though I tend to find it difficult to apply the stuff I've read when I'm feeling really low!). I do intend to keep at it in order to slowly build myself up to be the person I was born to be, hard though that may prove to be.

From a practical point of view, I'm staying in my current job because a) it pays reasonably well and will allow me to get out of here quicker than most other jobs I could get here as a recent grad, b) I don't have any better options at the moment, and c) I'm worried "job-hopping" might look bad on my CV/mean that future employers see me as flaky or lacking in dedication. Like I said, though, I'm so tired after work that I barely have the strength to do anything. However, I think I'm going to make myself do stuff that I know will be useful... baby steps at first, and eventually doing more and more things. I intend to cut out all the time-wasting driving around town at night I do with my parents, and focus on doing the things I want and need to do to enrich myself as a person.

I've been telling my parents exactly the same things you've mentioned with regards to returning to the UK, but they're just not convinced... I know that I won't feel at peace until I've tried as hard as I possibly can to get a job there, though, so that's what I'm going to do! I wrote down a list of immediate goals a while back, and knew I had to break down the "Get back to the UK" one into smaller, practical chunks, but haven't done it yet... I will do today, though, and will work solidly towards each step from today onwards.

Thanks so much for writing so much, and for the luck and the vote of confidence!

[lifetimelearner]

thanks ZannityZan I would love for you to PM me anytime !

[RonSouther]

ZZ,

Thanks for the kind words and you're on the right track. 99% of the people around you will think your mad simply because your not conforming to habitual patterns of being a Brit.

Please look for any of these books by Osho: Intimacy (my first one), Maturity (subtitled: The responsibility to be yourself), Freedom, Awareness, Intuition, Courage, Compassion, or Joy. Over here they are available cheaply on Half.com: Textbooks , Books , Music , Movies , Games , Video Games but I don't know if it's the same there.

Also, try the Explore the Osho Online Library and search whatever you're interested in. All of his 35 years of talks comprising of 600 books are about essentially being yourself at all costs, which is what happens when you escape the mental prison of culture.