Being an old lady in my head

[auburn]

When I was a kid, I would constantly hear the same life stories from my mother. Everything about life in the 60s, ex-boyfriends, friends, old neighborhoods. I always thought my mother lives in the past, more or less. She keeps watch on the obituaries and if she sees someone she used to know, even if it's way back in time, she'll call the funeral home to catch up with the dead.

I find myself doing similar things now. Not that everything was rainbows and lollipops in the past, far from it. I miss certain things, people, other things I feel foolish about, have regret of having acted a certain way, made some choices. I don't know if I live in the past but I'm obsessed about certain events and persons. I wonder if the more I get older, the more obsessed about the past I'll become. I do feel very old sometimes, like the past weighs heavy and intrudes constantly in the present. Sudden flashes, a head of hair resembling someone I...

Sometimes I feel I have a very vivid memory of the past. It's very clear, as if it just happened. I can say what I was doing on certain dates. I see the first time I met certain people.

The future: I do want to create a pleasant future. I hope that maybe if I put some joy in my life, the past will be less of a burden. Is that so? I'm toiling to live the life I want right now (school). And I feel a sense of urgency in accomplishing certain things. But it's not just about accomplishment as in ambition. It's about moments of joy that would ''replace'' or become stronger than intruding memories of the past. What joy I remember is always about the small things.

I feel like I've become an old lady who wants to reverse the aging process. I'm trying to find ways to leave the past in the past. The present is about drudgery and toiling (and sometimes small pleasures). The future is still invisible. If only it could contain some joy.

[lifetimelearner]

the best way to leave the past in the past is to stay in the present moment
but you say-
"The present is about drudgery and toiling (and sometimes small pleasures). "

In Zen there is satori -a brief stepping out of the voice in your head and the emotions attached to those thoughts

why are you judging the present as 'drudgery' and toiling '
what is happening or not happening ?

[ZephyrusX]

Why does the past bother you so much?

Are your memories associated with your immediate environment? Do you still relatively close to where you grew up? I'll feel like I am reliving the past sometimes because of memory associations. I use to associate the stairway back home with my cat who passed on, and even though she wasn't there any more, I would always think of her walking up those stairs.

I've found those memories have been slowly slipping away now that I have moved though. There are no physical cues to trigger the memory any more.

[auburn]

Originally Posted by lifetimelearner

why are you judging the present as 'drudgery' and toiling '
what is happening or not happening ?

It's not always drudgery and toiling, it's true. There are some pleasant moments. But I have made the choice to sacrifice quite a lot (time, living space, money, neighborhood, hobbies or activities, etc.) in order to go to school full time. I don't want to complain because I made that choice willingly and I see a light at the end of the tunnel (in a year and a half) but it is difficult right now.

The good part is when I'm busy with active chores (other than mental), I don't think about the past. But if I'm just lying in bed, reading, or studying, or even listening to a teacher, I have memories and my mind wanders. I feel like my present is insufficient to ''counter'' memories of past tragic loves, dead loved ones, wrong choices and other sad memories. Even though I've had a few tough experiences, I feel I've been able to accept and forgive (myself and others). However, something is imprinted in me and I keep having memories nonetheless. Late nights and early mornings are the worst times.

About things/environment: I do have things that remind me of the past. Just stuff, furniture. I don't generally dwell on the significance of those things, unless they break or go missing. Then, I'll freak out. Because they have a sentimental value. There is a particular picture that brings me back to the past that I alternatively move in and out of sight, depending on how I feel. It's in a semi-visible place right now so, it doesn't bother me in itself right now. I keep stuff from the past in a hollow ottoman and rarely open it.

There is a place I go to that is connected to my past and to one particular person who is no more. Luckily, I've been able to keep going there and make it my own. But the other day, the owner told me she hoped to get pregnant in a few years and would not keep the place. I broke down in tears! She knows what the place means to me and she is certain someone would take over. But still, when that happened, I realized just how attached I am to places like that one and to things, memories.

My idea was that when I have good, joyful experiences in the future, it might replace unpleasant memories I have. I do feel a sense of urgency in getting on with life: working full time and being able to do activities, meet people (my schedule is so packed I cannot do much beside work and school. My free time goes to reading quietly at home. Did try online dating for a brief period but no time to spare and no taste for that). I'm very much looking forward to the future because there seems to be so much promise in the future.

There's not a lot of joy and I'm supposed to create that joy and move on, right? Well, I'm on the road trying to do that but it's not that easy. Plus, I wonder how I can taste that joy if memories just intrude at all time.

[Fred Tracy]

It sounds like you have picked up what your mother used to do. What I would do is stop worrying about it, and start meditating. You'll find that joy will arise spontaneously.

[Agota]

I believe I can relate to this. I've inherited an attachment to the past as well and it started very early.I can remember being already attached to the things from the past (toys etc.) when I was in kinder-garden. It got worse and worse until it got so bad that I couldn't ignore it anymore. I'm trying to let go of my attachment to people, places and things now.

I've noticed that selling, giving away or simply throwing away your stuff seems to help lessen the attachment. People who are suffering from attachment to the past usually have a tendency to have loads and loads of stuff, since they don't throw anything away. We tend to associate a certain thing with a memory and we don't want to throw away the memory. The question is, do you really need that particular memory? What would happen if you wouldn't remember that event again? In most cases, nothing. You don't have to throw away things that are really important to you, but I suggest to throw away stuff like old clothes you don't wear anymore, magazines and books you don't read, etc. It might be really hard, because attachement will kick in, but do it anyway and you'll see that it get easier with time.

It really pays off to cut this attachment while you're still young, because you're already dragging loads of past with you and past will simply keep accumulating with each passing year. It's simply that a moment comes when it becomes to hard to carry all that past with you everyday and you realize that you have to start to let it go.

The first step toward doing that is realization that this is a very unhealthy tendency and that it harms you.

[Agota]

I suggest you to read "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle to get a better understanding of the concept of being "here and now".

You're saying that you don't enjoy being in the present moment because you're less than happy with your current life situation. I believe it's a sign that you're not doing it right. Imagine that you're washing dishes. In case you're fed up with washing dishes because there are so many better things to do, you're not being present: when you're present, there's nothing else, except you and washing dishes. You can't be present and be unhappy about it at the same time, because in order to be unhappy about something, you have to get involved into thought processes again and let your mind wander to the past and to the future.

[auburn]

Originally Posted by Agota

You're saying that you don't enjoy being in the present moment because you're less than happy with your current life situation. I believe it's a sign that you're not doing it right. Imagine that you're washing dishes. In case you're fed up with washing dishes because there are so many better things to do, you're not being present: when you're present, there's nothing else, except you and washing dishes. You can't be present and be unhappy about it at the same time, because in order to be unhappy about something, you have to get involved into thought processes again and let your mind wander to the past and to the future.

That's interesting. I do believe that's true. I want to be in a year and a half. I'm not in the present. Not most of the time anyway. If I stopped projecting myself in the future, things would probably seem easier.

The problem is that I'm doing what I am doing, studying, for the future. Right now, I find my classes to be only mildly interesting. If I had 6 months to live, I'd drop everything because there would be no point. I'd be quite angry not having been able to live that future and having wasted my time in building the future. I know what I'm currently doing (what we all are currently doing, actually) may not be the thing that makes a difference in my life if death were to show its head.

About the stuff: my parents are big hoarders so I don't hoard. In fact, when I was last at my parent's and decided to throw away papers that belonged to me, my mom came rushing to recover said papers after me! The stuff that reminds me of the past can be furniture, this very computer I'm typing on, certain kitchen accessories, all things I'm not about to throw away. Pictures, cds and dvds, journals, papers from loved ones, I can't throw away. The hollow ottoman is the first thing I would take in my arms if there was a fire in my apartment. Like that place I mentionned, I'd be devastated if it burned.

About meditation: I've got a few guided meditation tapes that I'm trying now. I was interested in going to a zen center that offers meditation but they use a kind of awareness stick to strike you and I'm not sure I want to experience that. I'm just not sure what kind of meditation I want to do.

[Fred Tracy]

Agota: what you said reminded me a lot of me. I forgot that I was like that as a kid. I can remember trying to throw away stuff and clean my room when I was maybe eight or nine. I could only find one thing to throw away, because I wanted to keep every single item, and even that one thing eventually rationalized myself to keeping it. I think it was definitely attached to the past too much. Like you said, I overcame and by facing it head-on and throwing stuff away anyway.

Originally Posted by auburn

About meditation: I've got a few guided meditation tapes that I'm trying now. I was interested in going to a zen center that offers meditation but they use a kind of awareness stick to strike you and I'm not sure I want to experience that. I'm just not sure what kind of meditation I want to do.

Where do you live? I don't know that they actually hit people with that thing unless you're living in Thailand or something. Most of the time, they will just kind of lightly place on you to show you where you should straighten up, or to wake you up if you are close enough.

Of course, if you do end up getting hit, it's totally not my fault.

[auburn]

Originally Posted by Fred Tracy

Where do you live? I don't know that they actually hit people with that thing unless you're living in Thailand or something. Most of the time, they will just kind of lightly place on you to show you where you should straighten up, or to wake you up if you are close enough.

Of course, if you do end up getting hit, it's totally not my fault.

That's the ''Beating Hazard Warning'' that comes with the meditation package!

I also thought they would not strike here but, I asked an acquaintance who goes to one of the center and he told me that they do use the stick at all three centers. There are numerous meditation centers in my city and three zen centers. One of them, less focused on posture, uses less of the stick. My thinking is trying an introductory session where they might not strike meditators, at first . If the teacher tries, I can always use my Puss in Boots eyes just once.

Most options in terms of a meditation workshop, intro session or courses cost quite a bit. Where I live there are various tibetan buddhist centers, yoga/meditation classes, oriental christian meditation, chi gong etc. The zen option is attractive and it's also the cheapest...but it comes with a stick.