Darrell Hammond interview - PTSD post abuse

[Greek Dog]

'SNL's' Darrell Hammond Reveals Cutting, Abuse : NPR

I find myself identifying with Hammond.
My father was a combination of his father and aspects of his mother. My father did not commit physical abuse but severe emotional abuse all in the name of developing character in me.

[Greek Dog]

Darrell Hammonds interview on NPR concerning his recent memoir describing the experience of and results of the childhood abuse is very poignant to me. I am finding it takes me back to the darkness of my own childhood and the searing residual pain that I stepped into.

I am determined to find the way out and believe I have identified techniques and individuals to be of great help, including the forum's very own Christs Light. But I also need to write about this struggle and this pain. It helps me give order to the wretched chaos.

One of the issues at hand that has hidden in the shadows until very recently and which utterly outed itself through a recurrent dream is a passivity through which I have been journeying through life. Passivity is not my nature but I see psychologically how I fell into it. My mother and her family paradoxically were passive but only through their relations with family, particularly with offspring. The scales concerning this aspect of that portion of my family has only recently fallen. That passivity coupled with the psychological manipulation and abuse from my father rendered me passive, waiting for direction because stepping out on my own, following my heart would surely be met with intimidation from an authority whom I respected, loved and longed to please.

But this passivity is a depressant and it is working against me and my family and it is time to be released from it.

[Greek Dog]

I am in incredible pain today - old stuff emerging for healing.
I am using Ho'oponopono and 4 steps on it with little obvious effect so far. But I also am being grateful for the healing to come and that gives great relief.

I am standing on the razor's edge between repressing, healing and exposing. Underneath the awareness and the tangible pain there is a mammoth iceburg. I expect to root it all out as I move through the healing. There is so much to gain.

[ButterflyWoman]

Originally Posted by Greek Dog

I am in incredible pain today - old stuff emerging for healing.

I'm sorry. And I understand. Please accept a virtual hug from someone who has been there.

Originally Posted by The light

I am using Ho'oponopono and 4 steps on it with little obvious effect so far. But I also am being grateful for the healing to come and that gives great relief.

Good.

I don't find Ho'oponopono that useful in cases like this. It's a good tool, but for me, not in this sort of situation. I find it better to go into the memory (which, with PTSD, isn't even avoidable sometimes) and then consciously and deliberately withdraw the emotional, psychic, and mental energy from it. I just withdraw it, pull it back, and eventually, sometimes quickly and sometimes not, the memory will collapse and I can file it away.

There's a thread in the Intention-Manifestation forum that might be of interest to you: Manifesting A Different Past

[rawxstasy]

Keep up the good work. I have been dealing with similar issues from my childhood. Healing can be painful but then you move past it and life gets better. You should try the "sedona Method" book. It's helped me a lot.

[Greek Dog]

thank you Butterfly Woman and Rawxtasy.

I had a healing session with Christslight last night and it was great help.
I have found that EFT doesn't get to these large, chronic issues and am finding the same with Ho'oponopono as well. These two work better when I am in a higher energy level.

As I worked with ChristsLight I received (no exact word here) some sort of shifts or insights that allow the healing to enter. Today I am staying in that place so that I can receive.

BW - I have noticed that thread but not read it. Thanks for the suggestion.
R - I'm glad you have received help with the Sedona Method. I will look into it. Thanks.

[Greek Dog]

I have intended to get some healing from old, lifelong junk.
ChristsLight has been helpful to me and I had a healing session with him that has helped crystalize some of what I am struggling against.

Small pinlights of information just to get some of the significant facts rather than a comprehensive picture.

I grew up with a father who appeared to be successful and well liked. He suffered from a number of mental health issues which would later in life take over and render him severely incapacitated in terms of self-sufficiency and his ability to interact with "friends" and family.

Looking back, it is clear that these mental illnesses existed long before he was consumed by them. In fact, my siblings and I were raised under them by a man who demanded complete control and did so in the name of virtue.

In part he would set up moving goals so that we could never meet them. I suspect this was an outgrowth of his dominating OCD perfectionism and his own sense of never being able to get things perfect enough. But as a consequence he took every opportunity to pounce on any and all vulnerabilities that I might have. Home and family should be a safe harbor when children can try, make mistakes, revise and try again until learn how to succeed. This was never possible in our home. I was completely unaware of this dynamic at the time. I only knew that I lived in fear and it was because I WAS incompetent and most probably worthless. Those are the messages that I unconsciously took in.

But what happened this morning was a knowing and understanding that explains so much of my present and lifelong battle. It came to me as the title of a book which a friend frequently refers to Who's Got Your Back? That book refers to a business practice but when the title came to me this morning it was a light bulb moment that opened my eyes to one of the huge obstacles in my life.

Who's Got Your Back? Even as a young child and throughout my life those closest to me not only did not have my back but would be the first to throw me under the bus.

It is not so much what happened then but it is how I processed this, where it went in my consciousness and how I have lived it out. That is why this is significant to me.

And now it is being presented to me in an opportunity to take it and release it, to smash it and release the grip it has had on me. Now that it is in my consciousness I can do something about it. Now it is MY responsibility - but also my ability, my fortune to be ABLE to do something about it.

Wish me luck, strength and ability to release it and move on into a life rich with friends, family and colleagues who have my back and whose back I have.

P.S. Add your support or encouragement if you feel inclined. Thanks.

[Greek Dog]

I'm going to go do the work on this.


The Four Questions
Example: Paul doesn’t listen to me.
1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
4. Who would you be without the thought?

Turn the thought around
a) to the self. ( I don’t listen to me.)
b) to the other. ( I don’t listen to Paul.)
c) to the opposite. ( Paul does listen to me.)
And find three specific, genuine examples of how

1. Yes
2. Yes
3. I give away my power. I become passive and subject to others will and whims.
4. Wow. This will take some time. I would be full of life, fun and laughter with many friends and social and work opportunities. I would be on the go working through a long list of activities that are renewing to me and which give a part of life to others. I am focused and determined and competent, touched by inspiration to keeps me centered and balanced.

a) I don''t have my back.
b) I didn't have his back.
c) no can do.

[ButterflyWoman]

Originally Posted by Greek Dog

I grew up with a father who appeared to be successful and well liked. He suffered from a number of mental health issues which would later in life take over and render him severely incapacitated in terms of self-sufficiency and his ability to interact with "friends" and family.

My mother has been mentally unstable all of her life. As she's gotten older, it's gotten much, much worse. That's a common pattern when dysfunction and illness are left untreated. They eventually incapacitate you, or rob you of your family, your dignity, and more.

Originally Posted by Greek Dog

In part he would set up moving goals so that we could never meet them. I suspect this was an outgrowth of his dominating OCD perfectionism and his own sense of never being able to get things perfect enough.

Oooh, I know that one. My mother didn't show signs of OCD, that I can recall, but she was a perfectionist of the most excruciating sort, and a control freak. Perfection was the norm, it was what was expected, and any deviation from perfection was utter failure. And I did manage to do something really well, she'd move the goal post with, "Well, that's fine, but...." with the "but" being a list of things I could have done better and would be expected to do better next time, etc.

Originally Posted by Greek Dog

Home and family should be a safe harbor when children can try, make mistakes, revise and try again until learn how to succeed. This was never possible in our home.

I still have lingering issues relating to making mistakes. I'm much better than I used to be, and greatly healed, but even now, there are little, subtle things, funny ideas and fears about making mistakes and being perfect, etc.

Originally Posted by Greek Dog

I was completely unaware of this dynamic at the time. I only knew that I lived in fear and it was because I WAS incompetent and most probably worthless. Those are the messages that I unconsciously took in.

I totally understand. And my mother actually TOLD me I was worthless, many times. My father would chime in with, "What is WRONG with you?!" which, of course, made me think that there must be something wrong with me (and that's what I manifested, in great abundance).

Originally Posted by Greek Dog

Who's Got Your Back? Even as a young child and throughout my life those closest to me not only did not have my back but would be the first to throw me under the bus.

*nod* Yup. That. I know the feeling.

Originally Posted by Greek Dog

And now it is being presented to me in an opportunity to take it and release it, to smash it and release the grip it has had on me. Now that it is in my consciousness I can do something about it. Now it is MY responsibility - but also my ability, my fortune to be ABLE to do something about it.

YAY!!! Absolutely!!!!

Originally Posted by Greek Dog

Wish me luck, strength and ability to release it and move on into a life rich with friends, family and colleagues who have my back and whose back I have.

I wish you all that and more, and I bless you, as well.

By the way, I was way seriously dysfunctional most of my life. Mentally ill, completely screwed up worldview, absolute victim mentality, you name it. If I can get out of that, you certainly can. I'm no more special than you are, than anyone is. If I could get past the fear and pain that framed my world, so can you. So will you, and, I hope, you'll do it better than I did, more profoundly, and more quickly. This is what I wish for you.

[Greek Dog]

Butterfly Woman - my friend - thank you for sharing and relating. What a comfort!

If I can get out of that, you certainly can. I'm no more special than you are, than anyone is. If I could get past the fear and pain that framed my world, so can you. So will you, and, I hope, you'll do it better than I did, more profoundly, and more quickly. This is what I wish for you.

What kind wishes. You did it and so will I. Thank you.

To receive such support from strangers is a great encouragement. But we are strangers no more.

I gave away my power to be accepted and receive approval from my earthly father who could not or would not give it. At that point I followed a path of "should", "ought" and turned my back on "inspiration". I could not have been aware or conscious of it at the time, I was a child needing parental presence in order to survive. But today that is different. I am conscious of what I have been giving away and it is only I who can make the needed changes. And so I do intend to do that, to be open to those changes, to receiving healing.

[elucidate]

I always find it so funny and awesome that we can find support and encouragement from strangers and not from the ones who are supposed to support us.

It doesn't really make sense, but that has been what I have learnt along the way, and it's changed everything for me, knowing that I can receive the kindness of strangers and thrive despite my past and family crap.

You sound like you are well on your way, and with such grand peeps looking out for you, I'm sure you will move through it all with much more ease than if you were alone. I might have made more progress if I'd been willing to reach out earlier, but then, I have always been a bit stubborn, wanting to do it all on my own. It's been a real lesson to allow others to support me and watching that unfold with you and others here is a joy to observe.

[Greek Dog]

Well I am so thankful for the support I receive here.

I might have made more progress if I'd been willing to reach out earlier, but then, I have always been a bit stubborn, wanting to do it all on my own.

LOL - I tend to be a bit stubborn myself. I used to want to do it all myself but then again because if I didn't it would be very costly. So it has been a real change learning to reach out. but when I do it is really great to get help offered. Many thanks Elucidate!!!!

[Greek Dog]

Obligation - in my childhood, everything was about obligation. My father lived in a rule bound world and he made sure that I did as well. Early this summer I was struggling with an issue that really had me bound up. I gave it the name "obligation" but I could not really unravel it.

Recently Christs Light and I used the phrases "ought" and "should" and this morning I made the connection that the "ought" and "should" were versions of "obligation". This won't make sense to anyone else but I am writing about it here to work it all out for myself.

There is something in the obligation that has built in resistance to it. And finally after years of trying to sort all of this out I see. The scales have fallen from my eyes. The resistance that is tied to obligation has been the very force that has led to my paralysis or at least has kept me bound in it. I feel a hope in making this connection. Because as I have had some very amazing layers of healing in recent months I have still not been released from paralysis. But this may be it.

Christs' Light has been leading me from "ought" to "inspiration." I am going to rephrase it as a journey from "obligation/resistance" to inspiration. Now when I experience resistance I will know to look at "obligation" and I can practice Ho'oponopono on it.

This resistance/paralysis has been attached even to things that I love. That has been indescribably painful. This morning I have, not only hope, but a vision about the way out. Hmmm. But there is also a fear about false hope. So more cleaning.

Just a note of thanks for the support I am receiving here. I feel it and it is a gift. One that I send back to you.

Looking forward to reports of my transition and continued healing.

[Greek Dog]

I am writing about this as a practice of creating order out of chaos.
I grew up in a home with a controlling, demanding father who appeared to be functioning and successful. His rules would be circular and impossible to complete. There would be punishments and humiliation for failure (which was certain). There were rules like "if you ask for it you will not get it." This applied to birthdays and Christmas as well as opportunities and college selections. As a young adult I had already internalized this and found it beyond difficult to ask for meaningful jobs and salaries. The obligations and expectations were difficult or impossible to meet.

Later in life my father would be diagnosed with OCD (hoarding), bi-polar, personality disorder with narcissism and other minor issues. After experiencing a series of traumatic events beginning with my husband's death when our child was an infant, including the loss of his income, my business and income and sever damage to our house due to water damage from a roof problem that cost $10s of 1000s of $. Something in me just gave up. During that period of extreme stress my family was not there to help me. That has more to do with our family dynamic established early on. But I have been left alone to deal with more than I could deal with.

So now I am ready to heal and move on - forward.

Through the healing process I have received some insight into how obligation has led me to shut down. I have given a partial description above as to how I got here. My home is really just a disaster. I found a website that provides an evaluation of the mess. I am level III of V. Not exactly the material for a TV show but not the way you want to live either. I do have ADHD but that is such a small portion of the problem in resolving the mess issue. This resistance to obligation that became clear to me yesterday seems to be more at the core. For years I have noticed that I can keep order when I am at places other than my home. That was a big clue that the issue was purely psychological. There is a huge issue of self-condemnation that otherwise is repressed and unavailable to me. But it does gnaw at me. It aches in my shoulders - the trapezoids.I feel helpless and hopeless and left out. - like a failure. {I am just letting these emotions rise to the surface. Healing these things is extremely painful but so necessary. Exposing it all to the air has to be part of the process.}

I am so ready to create order - in my home and in my life. It is becoming clear that I can use the cleaning. There is a tendency to shut down and avoid. Working on the computer, reading and watching TV and taking my child from activity to activity are the ways that I shut down and avoid without feeling bad. I want to dig in, turn my life around. That requires going into the darkness.

If I begin cleaning on the obligations one at a time here is my dilemma - do I focus on the one that comes up as it comes up (an ADHD tendency) or do I create a plan and clean on them in a methodical manner. And if that latter how do I create this plan, create a hierarchy and order for the cleaning?

I do not know.

I do know that I no longer want to live in the pain and dysfunction. I have much to accomplish and to live into - much inspiration.

Today - I will stand before a stack of papers and things and clean on it.
I will sit before a notebook of menu and grocery planning and clean on it.
I will be in my child's playoom and clean on it.

[Greek Dog]

obligation feels like a set up for failure and humiliation - public tarring
not enough and not good enough come from being obliged with out having resources enough to accomplish the obligation - not good enough is attached to the humiliation that comes at failure.

I'm cleaning but the pain is indescribable.

[Greek Dog]

Great day!!!
I was able to shift out of dark into light over and over.
What more can I ask?

Looking forward to doing it again tomorrow.

[ButterflyWoman]

Originally Posted by Greek Dog

Great day!!!
I was able to shift out of dark into light over and over.
What more can I ask?

Here's the phrase to use:

How does it get better than this?

Firstly, it's a question, so it set up your reality to provide an answer. Secondly, it's a common expression for gratitude, and gratitude is always healing and helpful. So... how does it get better than this? It can, and it will.

[Greek Dog]

Thank you Butterfly Woman.
I'll give it a try.
Moving forward, lifting upward.

enough, good enough
can do, will do
possible, possible
friends, family support, encouragement
inspiration
deserve, worthy, worthwhile
loved, accepted, wanted, desired
order, comfort, conflict free

shifting from avoidance into participation

[Greek Dog]

making connectios between obligation/demands, humiliation, failure, fear and shut down. neurons that fire together wire together
shift to obligations/demands > inspirational solution and action >new wiring.

[VeggieFighter]

I relate to a lot of what was said, as my father and mother are both abusers, in different ways. I am just now beginning to work on it (27 yrs old) with a therapist, but revealing the extent of the damage has made me feel worse, not better. I have both PTSD and depression. I don't have the ability to trust the opposite sex, and as a result it has destroyed a number of romantic relationships.

The funny thing is, the more I reveal about how emotionally damaged I am, the less inclined I am to "fix" myself. I just want to close the doors, stop answering the phone, and shut everyone out. My thoughts run very parallel to Darrell's in that I want to hurt myself constantly. I have been able to restrain it so far, but it requires putting up a front with my friends and that is very draining. And yet, telling them what is going on in my mind is not an option. I'd rather be a hermit and wait until the phone stops ringing.

Not much point to this post, but I thought I would share.

[Greek Dog]

I am glad you posted. I can connect to what you have written. It is painful to read and it is painful to live. I certainly understand the desire to shut everyone/everything out. I have lived that. But I do want a fulfilling life and have searched for ways to achieve that. One of the most helpful concepts for me has been Dr. Jeffrey Schwartz' 4 Steps.

Schwartz has written several books describing these. His latest You ARe Not Your Brain is the most helpful of all. It allows me to open up and acknowledge the extreme pain I live in and explains and shows the steps to transform these painful impulses into more functional thoughts.

I encourage you to look up Schwartz + 4 steps on the internet and look into his latest book. He explains on several levels how our brains get stuck and how we might release these bound experiences.