How to love myself?

[sharshar89]

I have tried buying lots of things that I like, surrounding my room with cute and eye-pleasing things and fragrant scent..But it seems that Im only happy for awhile..If at all..My cabinets end up getting bombarded with lots of items..Many used once only and thrown one side..

How do I cultivate happiness and self-love? I think Im not that demanding..I only want to be happy but I can't be..I don't think others love me and I don't think I love myself..And I don't know what comes first..Is it the lack of love from others which made me unable to love myself or is it the lack of love from myself that makes others unable to love me? It seems everyone says its the latter..Which might be true? But the lack of self-love has to come from some source right?

I find social interaction very hard and awkward and in the past I have tried my best to talk and interact and only get left out in the clique..Now I do not try anymore and end up being invisible..How is it that people could have good social interaction without trying much? I have tried trying alot and I have tried not trying but both does not work..What do I have to do?

[Acting Like Godot]

I dunno why people don't love themselves. Honestly I've never had a problem in that department.

Can you love a dog? If you can, why can't you love yourself? Are you worse than a dog?

Can you feel compassion for a stranger? Like perhaps someone who slipped and fell down in a public place? If you can feel compassion for a stranger, why can't you feel compassion for yourself?

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by Acting Like Godot

I dunno why people don't love themselves. Honestly I've never had a problem in that department.

Can you love a dog? If you can, why can't you love yourself? Are you worse than a dog?

Can you feel compassion for a stranger? Like perhaps someone who slipped and fell down in a public place? If you can feel compassion for a stranger, why can't you feel compassion for yourself?

Maybe you are missing that self-punishing part of us that most people struggle with ALG?

[Acting Like Godot]

You must be right. I dunno why I would punish myself.

[sharshar89]

Originally Posted by Acting Like Godot

You must be right. I dunno why I would punish myself.

Because u dont lack anything crucial to survival? Or because you are acting like godot.

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by Acting Like Godot

You must be right. I dunno why I would punish myself.

I don't know either...but it's there in most people.

[sharshar89]

Originally Posted by Acting Like Godot

I dunno why people don't love themselves. Honestly I've never had a problem in that department.

Can you love a dog? If you can, why can't you love yourself? Are you worse than a dog?

Can you feel compassion for a stranger? Like perhaps someone who slipped and fell down in a public place? If you can feel compassion for a stranger, why can't you feel compassion for yourself?

I can't love a dog but I can love a cat
I feel too much compassion for people who are less fortunate
I feel even more compassion towards myself that I think Im pathetic

[Acting Like Godot]

Originally Posted by sharshar89

Because u dont lack anything crucial to survival?

Why should you punish yourself, for lacking something crucial to survival?

[sharshar89]

Originally Posted by Acting Like Godot

Why should you punish yourself, for lacking something crucial to survival?

Because it is important and everyone has it and I don't have it and I try hard before to get it yet I cant get it? I gave up on it yet is unhappy about not having it? How is it I don't have something 99% of people have? Why do I deserve that?
And ot having it is going to cause me alot more trouble than the others.

[Acting Like Godot]

Originally Posted by sharshar89

Because it is important and everyone has it and I don't have it and I try hard before to get it yet I cant get it? I gave up on it yet is unhappy about not having it? How is it I don't have something 99% of people have? Why do I deserve that?
And ot having it is going to cause me alot more trouble than the others.

What is "it" that you don't have?

[Acting Like Godot]

Originally Posted by sharshar89

I can't love a dog but I can love a cat
I feel too much compassion for people who are less fortunate
I feel even more compassion towards myself that I think Im pathetic

Why do you think that you're pathetic?

[sharshar89]

Originally Posted by Acting Like Godot

What is "it" that you don't have?

Social skills.

[sharshar89]

Originally Posted by Acting Like Godot

Why do you think that you're pathetic?

Because everyone is so happily interacting while Im all alone minding my own business day in and day out that it starts to get unbearable?

[Acting Like Godot]

You lack a certain kind of skill. Therefore you don't love yourself. Does this make sense?

It's a very diverse world. There are all kinds of of skills out there in the world. I'm sure I lack most of them. I can't even cook. Is that a reason for me to not love myself?

[elucidate]

Originally Posted by Acting Like Godot

You lack a certain kind of skill. Therefore you don't love yourself. Does this make sense?

It's a very diverse world. There are all kinds of of skills out there in the world. I'm sure I lack most of them. I can't even cook. Is that a reason for me to not love myself?

Man's got a point.

Do you do nice things like take baths and say nice things to yourself in front of the mirror? These can help foster a sense of self love, if you do it regularly.

Gotta take my own advice there as well.

[sharshar89]

Originally Posted by Acting Like Godot

You lack a certain kind of skill. Therefore you don't love yourself. Does this make sense?

It's a very diverse world. There are all kinds of of skills out there in the world. I'm sure I lack most of them. I can't even cook. Is that a reason for me to not love myself?

Many people can't cook..Besides that if you can't cook you can always eat out and cooking is a hassle

Without social interaction how will I survive in my future career?
How will I become useful in the society?
How do I feel less lonely?
Even my bf is starting to say he's always the one leading conversations

[Acting Like Godot]

These are good reasons to learn some social skills. These are not good reasons to not love yourself.

Everybody has room for improvement, in certain areas. That's not a reason for people to dislike themselves. You can love yourself while seeking to learn some new skills or improve some aspect of yourself.

Right?

[sharshar89]

Originally Posted by Acting Like Godot

These are good reasons to learn some social skills. These are not good reasons to not love yourself.

Everybody has room for improvement, in certain areas. That's not a reason for people to dislike themselves. You can love yourself while seeking to learn some new skills or improve some aspect of yourself.

Right?

My efforts have proven wrong many times..People often misunderstand me..I'm wondering if theres something wrong with my facial expressions

[Acting Like Godot]

Originally Posted by sharshar89

My efforts have proven wrong many times..People often misunderstand me..I'm wondering if theres something wrong with my facial expressions

Good. Keep wondering. That will lead you to think about how to solve these problems. As opposed to why you should hate yourself. Because the lack of social skills is no reason to hate yourself.

[Agota]

You could make another thread in social and relationships forum and get advice on improving your social skills, just be sure to share more specific details on what exactly are you struggling with and illustrate it with real life examples, so people would be able to give you an advice that is suitable to your individual situation.

ALG is right: lack of social skills is not a reason not to love yourself.

I'd also like to add that thinking that everyone has decent social skills is a mistaken assumption, because most people are struggling when it comes to interacting with others. There are some "naturals", but for most of us mortals, the reality is that we have to put in time and efforts to build our social skills.

And on the topic of self-love in general, I think that most people have issues in this regard thanks to:

a) Their relatives (usually parents) or guardians. Most people develop an inferiority complex during their childhood and then never get over it. We can really blame parents, though, because they're simply acting out destructive patterns that are being passed on from generation to generation.

b) Society. In our society, loving yourself is often potrayed as being bad or egoistic. Many people assume that for some reason, it's noble to feel bad about yourself and feel inferior. It's not noble, it's a mental dysfunction that can really mess up people's lives.

[newkaren]

Originally Posted by sharshar89

I have tried buying lots of things that I like, surrounding my room with cute and eye-pleasing things and fragrant scent..But it seems that Im only happy for awhile..If at all..My cabinets end up getting bombarded with lots of items..Many used once only and thrown one side..

You can't buy self love. Personally I'd rather have a few nice things than a room full of crap.

Have honor in your thoughts and deeds. From right this second forward. Become the person you are ment to be. Don't punish yourself when you slip up. Learn and move on.

[sharshar89]

Originally Posted by Acting Like Godot

Good. Keep wondering. That will lead you to think about how to solve these problems. As opposed to why you should hate yourself. Because the lack of social skills is no reason to hate yourself.

I think I need a video cam filming my interaction with others and see whats wrong..But that's kinda impossible? The problem is I dun know whats wrong that cause people to think that Im unfriendly and have attitude problem when I don't.

[newkaren]

Originally Posted by sharshar89

I think I need a video cam filming my interaction with others and see whats wrong..But that's kinda impossible? The problem is I dun know whats wrong that cause people to think that Im unfriendly and have attitude problem when I don't.

People used to think I was stuck up. Truth is I was very shy.

A friendly smile, and a "Hi, how is your day going?" goes a long way.

[quiethumir]

Originally Posted by sharshar89

I think I need a video cam filming my interaction with others and see whats wrong..But that's kinda impossible? The problem is I dun know whats wrong that cause people to think that Im unfriendly and have attitude problem when I don't.

Do you spend too much time ruminating about your interactions with other people?

[RonSouther]

Originally Posted by sharshar89

I have tried buying lots of things that I like, surrounding my room with cute and eye-pleasing things and fragrant scent..But it seems that Im only happy for awhile..If at all..My cabinets end up getting bombarded with lots of items..Many used once only and thrown one side..

How do I cultivate happiness and self-love? I think Im not that demanding..I only want to be happy but I can't be..I don't think others love me and I don't think I love myself..And I don't know what comes first..Is it the lack of love from others which made me unable to love myself or is it the lack of love from myself that makes others unable to love me? It seems everyone says its the latter..Which might be true? But the lack of self-love has to come from some source right?

I find social interaction very hard and awkward and in the past I have tried my best to talk and interact and only get left out in the clique..Now I do not try anymore and end up being invisible..How is it that people could have good social interaction without trying much? I have tried trying alot and I have tried not trying but both does not work..What do I have to do?

You describe your version of me, the me that existed years ago....

You're living from your logic and logic has no idea of love or of self. Your mind is thinking about the truth but only thinks about it logically because it doesn't know the truth.

The mind can't see the truth and logic is it's process to guess the truth. It keeps guessing wrong because life is illogical not logical. Whatever it guesses is logical.

To be able to distinguish "you" from your "mind" you have to be able to see this logical processor and the memory bank that goes with it. When you can see it, not believe it but see it, as a body part and not your identity then you will be able to see other qualities about you that reflect your true self. For me, I define "me" as "loving creativity". I see that quality in me regardless of what my mind is processing. Inspite of my anger, I seek to love and contribute....that I'm angry that I can't, e.g.

Those true qualities of your being are amazing and who couldn't love that? My self-loathing turned to self-acceptance (self-love, not narcissism) when I was able to separate my self from my mind...the see that my mind was not me. My whole world changed in that realization!

[sharshar89]

Originally Posted by RonSouther

You describe your version of me, the me that existed years ago....

You're living from your logic and logic has no idea of love or of self. Your mind is thinking about the truth but only thinks about it logically because it doesn't know the truth.

The mind can't see the truth and logic is it's process to guess the truth. It keeps guessing wrong because life is illogical not logical. Whatever it guesses is logical.

To be able to distinguish "you" from your "mind" you have to be able to see this logical processor and the memory bank that goes with it. When you can see it, not believe it but see it, as a body part and not your identity then you will be able to see other qualities about you that reflect your true self. For me, I define "me" as "loving creativity". I see that quality in me regardless of what my mind is processing. Inspite of my anger, I seek to love and contribute....that I'm angry that I can't, e.g.

Those true qualities of your being are amazing and who couldn't love that? My self-loathing turned to self-acceptance (self-love, not narcissism) when I was able to separate my self from my mind...the see that my mind was not me. My whole world changed in that realization!

So how was your social interaction after you changed?
I know my mind is not me because it keeps thinking things that are not constructive yet it doesn't stop when I tell it to..It is controlling me and it thinks of ways to destroy me
How to reach whr u r?Doesit take years?

[Ciaran]

Originally Posted by sharshar89

I have tried buying lots of things that I like, surrounding my room with cute and eye-pleasing things and fragrant scent..But it seems that Im only happy for awhile..If at all..My cabinets end up getting bombarded with lots of items..Many used once only and thrown one side..

Haha!

Oh, come on - did you really think this would work? Did you? I mean, really?

You're deeper than you think you are. You are not the mindless consumer of consumer goods that society wants you to be. You are a human being. Of course this doesn't work.

Originally Posted by sharshar89

How do I cultivate happiness and self-love?

The first thing to do is get real. Get honest. You have to take a more realistic view of what your humanity actually is.

That means really getting involved, investigating. Finding out.

The basic, simple idea that you can just 'pay off' your unhappiness with consumer product is a lie. Sorry. Straight up. It's just not true.

So I guess job 1 is - stop doing what's not working. Yeah?

I think Im not that demanding..I only want to be happy but I can't be..I don't think others love me and I don't think I love myself..And I don't know what comes first..Is it the lack of love from others which made me unable to love myself or is it the lack of love from myself that makes others unable to love me? It seems everyone says its the latter..Which might be true? But the lack of self-love has to come from some source right?

More than anything, it is this FEEDBACK LOOP of thought, and other FEEDBACK LOOPS like it, that are dragging you into insecurity, and self-doubt.

Analysis triggering analysis, over and over, and all the results say "be more like this, be more like that."

And so you 'design' a perfect person in your head, and try to act like that.

But it's fake. It's inauthentic. It isn't real, and because of this, the reality of your humanity will always rebel, and reject it.

You have to get to the truth of that humanity, that alone is solid, and potent, and brimming over with love, hope, creativity, insight, savvy, cool and power.

Yeah?

This is the way you need to explore, no other way will give you what you're looking for. Straight up.

I find social interaction very hard and awkward and in the past I have tried my best to talk and interact and only get left out in the clique..Now I do not try anymore and end up being invisible..How is it that people could have good social interaction without trying much? I have tried trying alot and I have tried not trying but both does not work..What do I have to do?

Your problem with people is that you are trying to be something you're not - this 'perfect image' of the right person - and it comes across as inauthentic, weak, and weird.

Think about the people who actually DO get the social attention.

Are they the best people? The nicest?

Are they hell.

They're the most AUTHENTIC. That's not to say honest - it's just to say AUTHENTIC. They just genuinely express their real humanity (even if it's nasty) and it has this incredible power and pull to it.

It is in rediscovering the essence and power of your unique humanity that your problems will be resolved.

[RonSouther]

Originally Posted by sharshar89

So how was your social interaction after you changed?
I know my mind is not me because it keeps thinking things that are not constructive yet it doesn't stop when I tell it to..It is controlling me and it thinks of ways to destroy me
How to reach whr u r?Doesit take years?

For me, I accidentally came across a book called "Intimacy" by Osho...not really accidentally because I was always interested in reading a talented author but rarely found something that made much a difference. I knew there was a very real gap in my understanding of life which is what you're eluding to in you reply above. So you and I both saw or see the gap, don't know what the gap is and then kept making the mistakes inspite of ourselves.

In the first chapter of that book I saw the gap...the missing piece of the puzzle and I shot up like a rocket in my growth! I never considered the process that is the mind, the ego, and the conditioned beliefs that run like software from the unconscious mind. That was it!

After about 6 months of reading and realizing, I was finally able to "see" me from my mind enough to be able to truly love me and stop self-loathing me as some kind of lifelong misfit in the world.

Socially, I've seen a shedding of the old friends that weren't really friends but people I exchanged favors with, to having many intimate connections with others that are seeking truth too. They may not see it that way but I can see in them an openmindedness and that allows an intimacy that is enjoyable with no strings attached. Mostly, I'm alone and find that the people I relate to best also enjoy their aloneness.

[sharshar89]

Originally Posted by RonSouther

For me, I accidentally came across a book called "Intimacy" by Osho...not really accidentally because I was always interested in reading a talented author but rarely found something that made much a difference. I knew there was a very real gap in my understanding of life which is what you're eluding to in you reply above. So you and I both saw or see the gap, don't know what the gap is and then kept making the mistakes inspite of ourselves.

In the first chapter of that book I saw the gap...the missing piece of the puzzle and I shot up like a rocket in my growth! I never considered the process that is the mind, the ego, and the conditioned beliefs that run like software from the unconscious mind. That was it!

After about 6 months of reading and realizing, I was finally able to "see" me from my mind enough to be able to truly love me and stop self-loathing me as some kind of lifelong misfit in the world.

Socially, I've seen a shedding of the old friends that weren't really friends but people I exchanged favors with, to having many intimate connections with others that are seeking truth too. They may not see it that way but I can see in them an openmindedness and that allows an intimacy that is enjoyable with no strings attached. Mostly, I'm alone and find that the people I relate to best also enjoy their aloneness.

Where do I get to read this book? I doubt i can find it in my country

[RonSouther]

Originally Posted by sharshar89

Where do I get to read this book? I doubt i can find it in my country

Here's my favorite quote from the book...

When two lovers are really open to each other, when they are not afraid of each other and not hiding anything from each other, that is intimacy. When they can say each and everything without any fear that the other will be offended or hurt. . . . If the lover thinks the other will be offended, then the intimacy is ...not yet deep enough. Then it is a kind of arrangement, which can be broken by anything.

But when two lovers start feeling that there is nothing to hide and everything can be said, and the trust has come to such a depth where even if you don't say it the other is going to know, then they start becoming one."

You can search topics here for free...225 books online...the search function is outstanding! Explore the Osho Online Library

You can download EVERYTHING Osho free here but your computer needs to be Windows Vista or earlier as your downloading a very old program. I have Windows 7 Home Premium but it won't run. osho books database download: osho books folio, osho books silver platter

The book "Intimacy" isn't in either collection. ALL the books are transcription of live talks. The book Intimacy was built a few years ago from sampling many different talks and is sold in stores today. Amazon.com has it as an ebook if you have an ereader? Amazon.com: osho intimacy