I don't know if I'm mentally healthy....

[nistacular]

So, it's not that I think there's anything seriously wrong with me, but my self image fluctuates more than any one else I know. I've always been somewhat emotional, so that could be it I guess... but I keep convincing myself of different philosophical ideas, or psychological things, like what others are thinking and such - like daily. When at work, I think about what others are thinking like 60% of the time I'm with them. Is that normal? I'm hyper aware of everyone's emotions around me, all the time. As soon as I see one weakness in someone I even get a tiny bit worried that it could have something to do with me, even though consciously I know that this is ridiculous. It's like I'm aware that I have some belief about myself that isn't healthy, but I don't know what it is, and I don't know how to get rid of it (that's just the way it seems anyway).

Also, I have no friends, and am not emotionally close with anyone right now. Is it normal to live that way for an extended amount of time? Also when I'm around people I'm often very quiet until I get to know them, or I put on some sort of fake mask for them. I feel like my self esteem is half decent (not where it should be) but my self confidence seems to be non-existent sometimes. I know that I'm an intelligent person, that I'm very empathetic sometimes, that I can be funny.... so thus my self esteem is alright, and I keep telling myself to just be myself around people, but then when I get into those situations, it's like a completely different ME takes over, one that I don't like, and doesn't support what my self esteem depends on. Working with people can be tiring. I finally am pretty close with my teammates which is awesome, and I can somewhat be myself. But even so, not FULLY. I feel like I haven't fully been able to be my self around anyone for perhaps... 10 years (I'm 19). Around my family I used to always be myself but now it's a little awkward which is disturbing, since why should I feel awkward around my family.

I wish I had a girlfriend and some close friends. But I don't have the confidence to get any of that right now... the feeling of even having a crush is sometimes the most wonderful thing, and I wish so badly I could open up to someone more easily, and become close to them (anyone really), but it's like I've partially lost sight of how to do that. I know confidence is key. Today is when it hit me that my main problem was my confidence and NOT my self esteem. I'm literally the most socially isolated person I know.... The only times I talk to people are at work. I used to have a social life back in the day. I felt like I could connect with people better.

But with the way things have been crazily changing, I'll probably look at this thread tomorrow and be like "why did I say that? that's not very accurate at all". I just wish I could be consistently someone I'm happy with....

[RonSouther]

Wow! That was an amazing testimony! That was me pretty much verbatim! Thank you for sharing that.

You've got a mind trying to define self, but it can't, but it keeps trying. You got trouble creating an ego that you like. That's fine, you don't need the ego, you need awareness.

You've got a consciousness that is watching the whole circus.

And you've got a level of intelligence far higher than the masses and the masses won't let you into their circle....you don't speak their "language".

Come over to this section of the message board...your peers are waiting for you! Spirituality, Consciousness, & Awareness

[nistacular]

thanks Ron, I'm really glad someone else knows what's going on... and from what I've read your posts are always interesting

But this is still incredibly frustrating to me... I feel like I have no one to go to, and all these emotions inside, with no one to share them with. My dad and stepmom (who I'm not particularly close with) are going to see me today, and I don't want it to be awkward. How can I just be present, or aware? Last time I was with him I felt like I was going to cry around him for almost the entire time I was with him.... I really don't know why, except that maybe I subconsciously demand more love and attention than I've been given? Just thinking about him and being with him makes me feel this way. My brother went through a stage, maybe something similar, where he would get super angry at him, even when he was trying to help him. I never went through this at all, because I was always the good kid in school (more or less). I feel like I skipped some important part of development and now I don't know what to do.

[dreamland]

Wow, you just described me in your first paragraph in a way I can't even explain!
I don't have trouble with others, I have some great friends and I am not lonely, but the way you see the world and the others matches mine completely, it's the same way I interact with others and percieve the environment.
I am extremely empathetic and they say quite intelligent , which honestly I hate, because it seems that the more you see and the more curious you are by nature more trouble you have connecting with people and the world.
Honestly, I don't like people who are not intelligent and I think here lies your problem.

You should find people who are similar to you, who you connect with easily and who makes you feel comfortable from the start.
And omg, I am the same but I have never questioned my mental health because of my thinking process, actually, I am relatively young, but I often enjoy great respect from older people, wiser and succesfull, so it doesn't bother me that I can't connect with sheeple... I would like that I can find more people who I can interact with on a deeper level...

Are you introduced with MBTI? I think you'll find it interesting, I would say you are definitely intuitive person (N) and there are a lot of people just like you...

Wow, just wow, you are the second person I felt close with in this forum... amazing!

[RonSouther]

Originally Posted by nistacular

thanks Ron, I'm really glad someone else knows what's going on... and from what I've read your posts are always interesting

But this is still incredibly frustrating to me... I feel like I have no one to go to, and all these emotions inside, with no one to share them with. My dad and stepmom (who I'm not particularly close with) are going to see me today, and I don't want it to be awkward. How can I just be present, or aware? Last time I was with him I felt like I was going to cry around him for almost the entire time I was with him.... I really don't know why, except that maybe I subconsciously demand more love and attention than I've been given? Just thinking about him and being with him makes me feel this way. My brother went through a stage, maybe something similar, where he would get super angry at him, even when he was trying to help him. I never went through this at all, because I was always the good kid in school (more or less). I feel like I skipped some important part of development and now I don't know what to do.

Let this disconnect with your dad show you that you body/mind came from your parents genes, but not your spirit/consciousness. That is uniquely you. You are your own being, not your father's son with all the expectations that go along with that idea.

The bottom line with any two people with perhaps the exception of the mother/child is that it's just two people in the end. If you click, you click, and if you don't, you don't.

With my own teenage sons, I don't treat them like they are my property or my slaves. I truly see me as having 30 more years of life experience and somewhat more awareness and that my job is to pass along what I learned to be true and to not pass along what was taught to me that is false. To share my life with them and to protect them from dangers is my job. Other than that, they will bloom naturally according to their gifts...I just need to get out of the way!

Take a chance and go here... Search the Osho Online Library Search topics that interest you...it's all free...here you will get profound perspective to help you sort through the confusion. You won't get beliefs and whatever beliefs you bring will dissolve. Enjoy!

[RonSouther]

Originally Posted by dreamland

Wow, you just described me in your first paragraph in a way I can't even explain!
I don't have trouble with others, I have some great friends and I am not lonely, but the way you see the world and the others matches mine completely, it's the same way I interact with others and percieve the environment.

I am extremely empathetic and they say quite intelligent , which honestly I hate, because it seems that the more you see and the more curious you are by nature more trouble you have connecting with people and the world.
Honestly, I don't like people who are not intelligent and I think here lies your problem.

Wow, just wow, you are the second person I felt close with in this forum... amazing!

Yes!! You got it! An invisible social barrier is varying levels of consciousness, intelligence, ignorance, etc....

What's great about intelligence is that the more you have, the happier you are alone. The less you have, the more you're lonely and crave others to distract you from your fears. Intelligence takes you towards silence (a quiet mind) when ignorance drives you to chatter incessantly (a scared active mind).

[nistacular]

dreamland: I've heard of that meyer briggs thing... but I've never completed the test. It sounds interesting though!

Dinner with my dad wasn't so bad when I was with him, but for some reason afterward I had this extreme mental anguish... actually ranking among my top ten worst experiences. It's difficult to describe, but it's like all my self esteem went away and I felt apathetic. The apathy lasted for the rest of the night and most of the next day (all through work which made things really difficult). When it was happening I was convinced I was gonna be changed forever or something crazy... and it only went away finally when I started crying, thinking about how my life used to be. And then I was like "oh yeah, I have emotions". But I really don't want to go through that again, it was terrible... what do you guys think about that? And why is it that I'm unable to know how it started? And how/why do you think it started?

By the way, you all are so right about the intelligence thing... I think I had repressed my own judgement of people to such a degree, that whenever I got bugged by dumb people I actually thought I was being an ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ or something, or that there was something wrong with me and that there was some hidden meaning behind their words. But nope, there's not. Sometimes people are actually just not that smart, sigh.

Now I've been paying attention to people so closely, the way that I would naturally see them, and it makes so much more sense. I'm beginning to notice other intelligent people more, and notice how these people get by in similar ways to myself.

Ron: I discovered that osho library from another post of yours and it's awesome. I seriously can't wait to read more from there.

So I gotta ask, do most intelligent people get emotionally attached to other people? Because I'm rather emotional, and I think I'm happiest in a relationship, and sometimes I even think I'm happiest when I'm dependent on others. What do you all think of this kind of emotional dependency?

Also do think that it's okay to censor yourself a lot, at the expense of your happiness (to some degree), for the sake of not offending people (that most likely wouldn't get offended if they were of equal intelligence....). Just since I feel like I've been doing that all my life lol.

Thanks for your responses, I'm really glad there are people out there like me

[EmanQ]

I'll keep it simple ..

If you want to see a change in the things around you, start changing within yourself.

Whatever you believe should be improved, then go ahead. Confidence or self esteem or social etiquette or being more expressive, just work on it.

You are damn smart and you exactly know what is up, kudos to you!

[nistacular]

Originally Posted by EmanQ

I'll keep it simple ..

If you want to see a change in the things around you, start changing within yourself.

Whatever you believe should be improved, then go ahead. Confidence or self esteem or social etiquette or being more expressive, just work on it.

You are damn smart and you exactly know what is up, kudos to you!

Thanks . Also, what a great quote to live by.

Maybe I do know what's up... but I don't FEEL it yet, like I don't have a deep understanding of it, I just know what's up on the surface. It's probably easy to look at my post and think "oh I'm not really worried about this guy, he's smart, he'll figure it out" (not saying this personally, just generally), but really I'm not the happiest person , and I really do need to figure this stuff out. I mean, I have no friends. NO FRIENDS. I've also been thinking about how people think for so many years, it's like I haven't been really LIVING, not the way I've wanted to anyway. I hope one day everything will be alright.

[dreamland]

After dinner with your dad sth in you just snapped because he triggered something deep in your subconscious and all emotions you kept hiding just had to go out.
You shouldn't suppress your emotions, it's really unhealthy and can eventually lead to complete apathy.
Trust me, you don't want that.
You should listen to them, acknowledge them and see where they lead, to what belief, so you can change it.

Try to finish that test honestly and I think you'll feel like you've came home after joining one of the forums where your type is located, it happend to me and I learned sooo much in the last year about myself because of that.

To answer your question about intelligence.... NO, do not delude yourself, people's emotional side has nothing do to with their intelligence.
I know many, many ''cold'' people, people who have big problems when dealing with emotions who are EXTREMELY intelligent.
I love those people because they stimulate my mental side and they help me grow, but I could never get comfort or sympathy from them, and that's ok, we are not all the same.

Oh, please, do this MBTI test, I have a strong feeling who you are...
And after you learn about the system you'll see much more clear why some people suit you and why you can't stand the others.

I was the same but I am changing because emotional dependency is really, really bad for you, as I think any kind of dependency is.
First, you have to learn how to be happy and strong by yourself and only than can you truly love the other person and be happy in a relationship.
I think that the happiest relationships are those where you have two strong, healthy and loving individuals who decided to be together purely based on love they have toward each other.
But you can't love if you are dependent, you may think it's love, but it's not.
Been there, done that...

Well, I still censor myself a lot, I don't want to hurt people just because they can't understand my point of view, but I do stick to my principles and beliefs no matter what (I can change my opinion if someone intelligent and more knowing of topic convince me otehrwise) and I speak of my opinions strongly and with more confidence...
I don't care if someone doesn't like me because of that or think less of me, it's ok... I also don't like most people....
So, no, no more censoring too much because of the others, they also don't do it, why should I?

[nistacular]

Well I wish it were that simple, so that I could just stop suppressing emotions... sometimes I wish I were even more emotional, such that I couldn't suppress my emotions, and just live off intuition 100% of the time. But my dad suffers from clinical depression/anxiety, and I think somewhere in my genetics it was passed on, so that I have a propensity for depression/anxiety myself. On the other side, my mom comes from a very happy, loving, emotional family.... so sometimes I feel like I'm 'half depressed'. Maybe this simple belief isn't doing me any good, but I certainly notice it in my life. Anyway - about suppressing emotions, I don't try to! I think it's because sometimes I have been unable to identify exactly what emotion I'm experiencing, and so I suppress it until I know more about myself, which I sorta slowly uncover... does that sound weird? I'm gonna try listening to my emotions more though... I really don't want to be apathetic lol.

I really feel like in the US emotions are less open and understood than almost anywhere else in the world. This seems so silly to me, as it's such a basic part of being human... one day I'll escape to Europe or something.

My view on emotions in relationships: Firstly, when you see the person you love become happy because of something you did, for whatever reason, most people become happy because of that. Even if that just happens once, you're letting yourself become happy because of someone else's emotions. If you stay with this person for a while, don't you think it's inevitable that it could become like an addiction? You're repeatedly made happy by their happiness... and vice versa (in addition to loving them for who they are). If they were unhappy I'm sure most people wouldn't be AS happy while with them. Dependency is sort of a weird word, because never do you technically depend on someone... unless you're hanging off a cliff, clutching a rope that your friend is hold on the other end. Then I would say, YOU depend on your friend (and the rope, and your own grip strength). My point is, I view the spectrum of human relationships involving a continuum of different amounts of love addiction, or emotional 'dependency' that you can't really escape... otherwise it's just two people that spend time together, without actually making each other happy. Or maybe it's the type of happiness that's attractive... idk really. Thoughts?

I'll definitely share the results after I take that MBTI test.

As I learn to stop being so sensitive (taking things so personally), I find myself also censoring less. That's a good point you make - most other people don't censor themselves either. It's a matter of fairness.

Edit: upon further thinking, I think there is difference between dependency and being made happy repeatedly... but it just seems to me like the simple fact that people are often made sad or angry after breakups is indicative of some degree of dependency in most relationships? I think too much about this stuff

[cheesedip1]

Nistacular, some of the stuff you posted describes me.


Hmm....which state are you from?

[nistacular]

I'm from Michigan. Which state are you from?

Where can I take the MBTI test for free?

[nistacular]

just noticed it said Nebraska

Okay so I just took this one test that's based off of the MBTI, but not the real thing. It said I was type INFP, looks like you were right! Keirsey Temperament Website - Portrait of the Idealist® Healer (INFP) That description fits me pretty well

[dreamland]

Personality test based on Jung and Briggs Myers typology



You have to be completely honest and answer what it IS, not what you would like it to be...

[nistacular]

That's actually the test I took. I answered pretty honestly I thought.

[dreamland]

I wasn't sure were you an INFJ (that's me ) or an INFP...
we are very similar, though...
Take the longer test just so you can be sure....

INFP Forum - The Idealists

If you are an INFP this is the link for you, explore it, read it, register, talk to people... or just lurk... I love people and atmosphere there!

[nistacular]

So what's the difference between INFP and INFJ? I am reading this forum about confessions and it's hilariously similar to some of my own...

[nistacular]

I feel like many more women have this type than men. Do you agree? I've sometimes felt emasculated by my tendencies to empathize, but it's so natural. I just love the warm fuzziness of it all.

[dreamland]

Originally Posted by nistacular

I feel like many more women have this type than men. Do you agree? I've sometimes felt emasculated by my tendencies to empathize, but it's so natural. I just love the warm fuzziness of it all.

Yes, that's true, there are much more women in the world with NF letters than there are men, unfortunately.
Actually, there are a lot more sensors too and that's why you don't find most people interesting and have a hard time communicating with them.
Of course, these are all very short and simple explanations, the system is much more complicated and there are functions to learn about...
Research a little bit...

I love men that can empathize yet be strong and masculine, these are the perfect men for me...
I DID fall for ''cold'', emotionally unavailable men in the past, or my dearest NTs because I looove their logic and intelligence but it always ended bad for me...

You can see what kind of women you prefer and why, what kind of people you should look for, WHY are you different and many other things... I am being completely honest, it opened my eyes and I felt a huge relief after joining that site...
It was like coming home, all these people who think and feel as I do, in ONE place... wonderful!

[nistacular]

Thanks a lot . Seriously this site alone has made me feel so much better in the past few weeks...

Psychology is fascinating. I want to research it more.

Btw another weird thing about me, I actually love arguing... or debating, or what I'd like to call it - discussing. Most people shy away from it, because they think of it as negative, or a waste of time. But I just look at it as an exchange of information and opinion. For instance when I wrote that fat post replying to yours - people might disagree with some of my ideas. That's kay. If you do please reply!! Still gonna love everyone anyways

I think the type of women I would most like was one that was emotional, and even more intuitive than me. But it's like they don't exist.... guess I'll keep looking. Also thanks for that forum... I'm sure it'll help me in that quest.

[RonSouther]

Originally Posted by nistacular

I think the type of women I would most like was one that was emotional, and even more intuitive than me. But it's like they don't exist.... guess I'll keep looking. Also thanks for that forum... I'm sure it'll help me in that quest.

This is dead serious....not being sarcastic. You may be looking for a bipolar woman. They are exceptionally intuitive and sensitive and to me they have a gift that they loath because they don't understand and for their entire lives they've been unable to fit in.

[dreamland]

I'll respond to you tomorrow, it's very late and I have to wake up early.
I'll keep it short for now... of course you love debating, you're an N, analyzing and ALWAYS looking for new informations is a big part of you, a wonderful part if I may say...

These women do exist, but it's hard to find them, especially if they are introverts, they hide in the dark corners surrounded with books.
Hey, you know what's else difficult? Finding an NF man, now THAT's a challenge in the real world!

Oh, I have a lot to say, but my eyes are closing... if you join the site and start to write inform me, lol

[nistacular]

Those guys also exist lol, though few are far between.

Hmmm dark corners surrounded with books.... thanks for the tip!

Where do you live (also get sleep, reply tomorrow)? It's like 6:55pm here.

[nistacular]

Originally Posted by RonSouther

This is dead serious....not being sarcastic. You may be looking for a bipolar woman. They are exceptionally intuitive and sensitive and to me they have a gift that they loath because they don't understand and for their entire lives they've been unable to fit in.

I've thought about this a lot... as well as various other 'disorders', even stuff like ADHD. None of it seems like.... unnatural. I think many of these things (especially bipolar disorder) are just further on the extremes of the spectrum of human experience (as you say, gifts).

Kinda scary to think about but I think you're right about my preference in women haha. Of course, I still want a logical one. But probably can't have everything.