Need some clarity on this.

[Agile]

This is long overdue! okay here it goes.
I know I have not posted here for a long time, I understand most of you may not care but that's okay. I just want some advice from the "HIGH concious" people if they choose to give me.
Last 2 weeks in my life were really unexpected and full of a lot of major changes on an emotional level.
This goes two years back I was in a long distance relationship my partner(For some reason I don't like the word girlfriend) was/is an awesome person.
We had a good start, talked a lot over the phone. Got really serious. Long story short. She meant the world to me and I was the same to her. BUT while this was happening I was changing and so was she and our circumstances. She went on to join a college and I dropped regular studies for a year and started preparing for entrance exams. We still talked a lot, but we developed unhealthy relationship behaviours like- I would feel majorly guilty is I so much as looked at another girl. I could not take LIGHT sexual jokes from my friends. People started pissing me off for no apparent reason. I started to relate every event in my life with her, it was like before I said anything to anybody my mind would automatically analyse that what would she think about me for saying what I am about to say. It was PATHETIC on my part I lost myself.
I hated myself for doing anything that may potentially hurt her. She was no better herself I guess. In addition to that when she moved to college, away form she was in a completely different environment. Meeting new people getting out of her home for the first time...It was difficult for her to adjust.
And as then I was still waiting to get into college I could not help her, but I guess made her more insecure because I couldn't relate to the environment she was in. All this took its toll on our relationship and what I thought would last forever broke. We separated.
By that time I was diagnosed with mild depression. I was wasted. Paranoid.
I became emotionally numb like literally.
Anyways, some how I stumbled upon LOA. I was desperate so I tried it. A few month into it I was getting better. It took me one and a half year to put my life together. However flawed but I kept it together...and became a more positive person. I still had social anxiety but I did not hate everybody now.
I started college, found a group of nice friends...Developed a habit of not giving a crap about what people think of me over all I became neutral. I was neither happy nor sad with my life,I liked it. Though I did'nt reach where I wanted to go but I was on my way.
Coming back to the present,this girl contacted me back. We started talking like it was all okay...We soon became good friends like we used to even before we were in a relationship. I fell for her again, but kept resisting it I didn't wanted to fall in the same old patterns again. We talked about it and agreed we were stupid back then and relationships don't work the way we thought earlier...but one thing led to another and it was like before we knew it we were in a relationship again. Just none of us wanted to admit it...
Last to last week on an impulse( And a pretty darn good one ) we planned to meet.
I called her to my city for one whole week, we had a great time together. I showed her around the city. Took her to meet my relatives, basically had a lot of time for us.And after a lot of cuddling and hugging it was official again we are in a relationship again. We felt and still feel we can make this work. I was/am so happy with this. To say the truth I knew this day would come. Ya so getting back together some major change for me....
I know I love her, but the problem is the old patterns are starting again...
Its like suddenly I am not numb anymore and I can feel emotions again and after she left last week has been a roller-coaster ride emotionally. I pain of missing her, and the guilt of putting off my goals, people suddenly seem a lot of negetive around me. It is starting to irritate me. I don't know why suddenly after a year and half of calmness( or maybe numbness) I am starting to feel a lot of anger again. I am suddenly becoming a lot more negative person...
I have obsessive negative thoughts about our relationship and my life going bad again. Again I am starting to relate everything to her.Anything bad happens to someone around me and I start thinking what if it ever happens to her.
I know this is not rational, but I am not able to stop it. I really need help to control this. I don't want to be like I used to be...
I don't wanna lose myself or at least whatever I have found of me.
I know I should not change myself, and she agrees with it too. But its easier said than done.
Any Inputs on what I should do? Should I work with my beliefs? Emotion?
If you could say anything positive on this please try to help I would appreciate it.
PS: I have also notices a mammoth increase in my EGO and of people around me. Suddenly everybody has to be THE right one. It drains a lot of energy.

[RonSouther]

Grab this book from here.... Half.com: , Intimacy: Trusting Oneself and the Other by Osho (2001, Paperback): Trusting Oneself and the Other(9780312275662): : Books

It's about how we turn people into objects and kill love.

$2 plus shipping used....this book changed my life, not my beliefs.

[Agile]

Thankyou Ron for your reply on your recommendation I've got the book. I havn't yet read it. But judging by the cover it deals with intimacy bulding right? Well that's not my problem. I would not like to fall head over heels for this girl again as we are currently in a long distance relationship. And would probably be like that unless we marry. The main question I am asking is how do I integrate this relationship with my current life. In a way that I change the minimum but still get the best of both worlds i.e. best from my relationship and also from my current social/academic life.

[RonSouther]

Originally Posted by Agile

Thankyou Ron for your reply on your recommendation I've got the book. I havn't yet read it. But judging by the cover it deals with intimacy bulding right? Well that's not my problem. I would not like to fall head over heels for this girl again as we are currently in a long distance relationship. And would probably be like that unless we marry. The main question I am asking is how do I integrate this relationship with my current life. In a way that I change the minimum but still get the best of both worlds i.e. best from my relationship and also from my current social/academic life.

Great!

The book is not about relationship building. It is about what we do unknowingly to kill whatever love is there. So the book isn't about building intimacy. Intimacy will happen on it's own if we stop being possessive and stop treating the other as a thing. Free of that the love can rise to whatever is possible based upon the depth of the harmony between the two people in the relating.

If you get the message of the book, you're whole life will change, not just one relationship. :-)

[Agile]

Originally Posted by RonSouther

Great!

The book is not about relationship building. It is about what we do unknowingly to kill whatever love is there. So the book isn't about building intimacy. Intimacy will happen on it's own if we stop being possessive and stop treating the other as a thing. Free of that the love can rise to whatever is possible based upon the depth of the harmony between the two people in the relating.

If you get the message of the book, you're whole life will change, not just one relationship. :-)

Okay waiting fot it to arrive....may take upto 15 days. O-o

[RonSouther]

Originally Posted by Agile

Okay waiting fot it to arrive....may take upto 15 days. O-o

I order several of the books from that series every month from Half.com: Textbooks , Books , Music , Movies , Games , Video Games and give them away. Almost everyone keeps them and highlights them. I don't give them away to just anyone. When I sense an acute intelligence in someone, almost always they are really receptive to this author.

In the meantime, go here and search whatever you're curious about....it's all free... Search the Osho Online Library