Self-Destruction

[ksuer]

Hi Everyone. I just found this forum today and love what I've read so far. You guys seem so supportive and non-judgemental. People are really being helped by this forum. That's awesome!!

The reason for my post is this: why have I been so self-destructive lately?

Here's my story, got married at 24, two kids by 29, divorced by 30 (6 yr marriage - we got divorced b/c my husband wouldn't sleep w/ me unless we were trying to get pregnant and once we were done having kids, so was the sex), and just turned 31. I am still great friends w/ my ex and he is an amazing dad. I DO NOT want him back, at all. I am happy that we are divorced. It was my decision to get divorced and I am the instigator for the entire thing.

So I have been 'single" for a year. In that year, I have started smoking again, drink WAY more than I should, don't eat much, don't sleep much, stay out all hours of the nights on the nights/weekends I don't have the boys, sometimes I don't even come home. And sex....lots of random sex w/ random guys. Well...I guess that's all in perspective, but in the past year I've had 7 new men. That seems like way too many for me. I'm successful, make enough money to support my family, have a great personality, people tell me I'm beautiful all the time (although I don't think I'm near as pretty as some claim to think I am). I get hit on ALL the time and never really want to date any of those men. I've had 2 of my coworkers call me in drunken stupors and seriously ask me to marry them. When I first became single I was completely overwhelmed with all of the men that would hit on me. I know, sounds ridiculous right b/c people want to get hit on...well I don't. I freak out, push them away, run and run FAST the other way.

So, one night I met this guy and we had great chemistry right off the bat. He kissed me, the night progressed, I asked him to come home w/ me and he wouldn't b/c he was "baby-sitting" his drunk friend. I thought WOW THIS GUY IS GREAT! The next day I text him and thanked him for not coming home w/ me. Few days later I asked him out, he then informs me that he's married. Yep, married. I said ok, we still talked but nothing much. Ended up sleeping w/ him and we were "friends w/ benefits". He says his marriage is loveless...blah blah blah. Fast forward 3 months and he tells me he loves me and this relationship is no longer about sex. I freak out and don't respond. We talk and talk some more and a month later I tell him I love him. Fast forward 6 months to now, he's moved out of his home, then moved back in to be w/ his son (who's 5). Wife then realized that he only moved back in to be w/ son, she kicked him out again. After cooling off she told him that he could stay there until they got finances and custody arrangement squared away. He says he's going to contact a lawyer soon and get the paperwork started. Me...well for some reason I'm sticking around. Why??? I've had multiple people tell me that there are a million single men out there that would love me and appreciate me and not drag me through this crap. So why am I so attached to him? The story of our lives. I don't want to be w/ a man that tries so hard to be w/ me. I only want a man that I have to struggle with and fight for b/c he's a challenge. I just don't get it.

Why are we such self-destructive creatures? And what's even crazier about all of this is that I don't feel guilty about our relationship. I don't feel guilty about sleeping around. I don't hate the smoking or the drinking or going out all the time. But I RECOGNIZE that it's just going to get worse...a lot worse...if I don't do something about it now. I do NOT want to throw my life away b/c I'm being ignorant and irresponsible. I am a great mother and do not want my kids to see me struggle. When I have them, it's all about them, when they're gone, I'm a completely different person. Geez, I need help!!

[RonSouther]

Thanks for sharing your story!

If this quote speaks for your relating with your boyfriend, then in my experience, you two are inseparable and that deep natural bond will lead to an amazing awakening to what looks like a life of self-destruction.

"When two lovers are really open to each other, when they are not afraid of each other and not hiding anything from each other, that is intimacy. When they can say each and every thing without any fear that the other will be offended or hurt. . . . If the lover thinks the other will be offended, then the intimacy is ...not yet deep enough. Then it is a kind of arrangement, which can be broken by anything.

But when two lovers start feeling that there is nothing to hide and everything can be said, and the trust has come to such a depth where even if you don't say it the other is going to know, then they start becoming one."

If your relating has really got a base of true love, true acceptance for the other, something magic that keeps you coming back for more, then that isn't self-destructive. That's amazing!!! If you feel you didn't "decide" to love him and can't decide not to love him and for him the feeling is mutual then good for you!

The "self-destruction" was unknowingly not marrying your match and then reproducing with him (because of the entanglements where you can't walk away) and the same with the boyfriend. We are trained to think the traditional family is the ideal but ideals don't speak to reality. The reality is that something more than common beliefs, values, and sexual attraction are needed to share a life and a bed with someone, something that you know is there but can't put a finger on it.

So that quote attempts to describe what the existence of that natural harmony looks like in how you can just be yourself with the other, where there no self-consciousness, no pretending.

If that's what you have, you're blessed!! And because of life situations you've got your hands full, but use those challenges to grow.

I'm not judging the random sex, but wondering if you feel "loved" in those moments or use those moments to escape tension or to feel valuable? Or it's truly just fun?