Parents causing depression.

[Keast]

Hi, I'm 20 and I've dealt with depression since i was little. I remember it starting around 12. I recently told my parents about it last year, and their response was "you're not depressed." Now here I am crying in my room needing to talk to someone. My parents love me, but they've never really asked me how I feel, how my day was, etc, and I feel like they do for my three other siblings. the best example I can give is yesterday. I was doing a puzzle with my mom, and I was sad because I had just damaged my car that will cost me a couple thousand to fix, but i was sad because my sister kept putting my down about it. While we were doing the puzzle, I got a wave of emotion and tried to hold in my tears, which hurt to stifle but I couldn't hold in all bad so I cried silently, while my mom sat across from me, just doing the puzzle and didn't even once stop to ask what was wrong. then when my sister came over I tried to tell her that I was upset about how she was putting me down (the thing is that's new to me, because none of us talk about how we feel, when we fight we just act like it never happened later on) so when I was talking to my sister about how she made me feel, my mom told me to get over it. My father had major depression, along with two of his brothers. So I feel like I inherrited a chemical imbalance from him, but I've never gone to a doctor for it. you know when you're depressed, and I believe it's an inbalance because I knew all the symptoms before I even learned about what depression was, and there's not always a real cause for my depression, it just comes and goes. It's easier to deal with knowing that and most of the time I can try to fight off the feeling when it starts to happen. but lately I've been running off to a private place when I can't stop myself from crying, because the past few days my parents attitude towards not talking and letting me get this built-up emotion out really upsets me. I don't know how to talk to them and they definitely don't know how to talk to me. i know no-one here can fix it for me but I really had to talk to someone, what should I do?

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by Keast

i know no-one here can fix it for me but I really had to talk to someone, what should I do?

What good is talking to someone else going to do? Like you said, no-one but you can fix the problem. You're just hurting yourself, thinking that you need to talk to someone and thinking that there's something wrong because no-one will talk to you. No-one will talk to you because there's nothing they can do; it's got nothing to do with anything being right or wrong with you or anyone else.

You're alone in this, which wouldn't be so bad if you didn't think you weren't supposed to be alone. It's not that you can't rely on other people because they're unreliable. You learned that you're supposed to rely on others for dealing with your emotional troubles, even though you now know those troubles can't be dealt with by other people.

You should listen to your own words more; "i know no-one here can fix it for me." If this is true, then what does it mean that you continue to seek solace and comfort in others? What you should do is listen and believe in your own words more. It does you no good to say something wise if you're going to ignore yourself.

[Curious cat]

Hi keast.

I am so sorry that you are feeling so down right now. I haven't been affected by depression myself or know anyone who has been through it, so i ca't entirely relate to your situation, but i do know what it's like to feel helpless in your family while growing and feeling as though you aren't being respected or acknowledged.

I would suggest that you write down what you are feeling and communicate that to your family in writing. This will at least give them time for them to mull it over, rather than them just reacting to you in the heat of the moment, so hopefully things will sink in better.

I hope you feel better. If at any time youfeel as though you need an ear, there would plenty here willing to be your audience (myself included). Take care.

[Greek Dog]

Keast, I had parents who did not really care about me though they pretended they did and even fooled me for many years. I struggled with enormous clinical depression that almost sent me to bed for a number of years. I finally used anti-depressants which helped me tremendously but as I got better I worked very hard to find a way to get to the source of my issues.

What I found down at the bottom was no so much what my parents had done and not done (though I can still find the hurt on occasion to this day) but the real key was how I REACTED to what they did. I needed something that they either refused or were not willing or able to give me and as some point along the journey to find healing, I did learn that it was up to me to forgive them and use my own mind to imagine the loving care that I needed as a child.

Believe it or not you can do this for yourself. Keep looking and searching for the method that works for you. Don't give up and believe both that you deserve to feel loved and that you will find it. (BTW, you must find the way to love yourself and nurture that love. If you believe in God you can start with God's love, if not then find that universal love which is quite diffferent than that available from flawed parents or any other human.

You can do this.

BTW, I do find that sympathetic and caring people are very important in finding your way to healing. Good luck to you.

[Curious cat]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

What good is talking to someone else going to do? Like you said, no-one but you can fix the problem.

Speaking for myself, at times it would just help to seek comfort in others rather than deal with a problem yourself. I believe this would be very appropriate for individuals dealing with depression, particularly ones with suicidal thoughts (not saying that keast is suicidal). The last thing i would want is for that person to feel so helpless and alone that they act on those thoughts without reaching out.

I find whinging can be therapeutic, it is part of my problem solving process. When i whinge, i don't expect others to fix things for me, or even want their advice, but rather an act of self validation; validation of my own feelings. Ever get the feeling when something is wrong, and you just want to call your partner, friends, or family just to talk without necessarily wanting them to give advice, but just be there for you? This forum is full of whingers! And i do not mean that in a bad way at all.

[bodi]

Hey, Keast.

Depression runs in my family, and I have battled it my entire life.

I would give you two pieces of advice. Sometimes it helps.

First, look into what's known as an Audio Visual Integrator or AVI, also known as a SLED Sound and Light Entrainment Device, AKA mind machine. It, along with more conventional forms of meditation, worked wonders for me.

Second, understand that depression is closely linked to sensitivity. The more sensitive, the more prone to depression. You feel more deeply than others, so what they see as no big deal you see as painful. Try to not take others insensitivity personally.

[ZephyrusX]

You sound like you know the importance of self-responsibility and I admire that.

I don't think there is anything wrong in looking for connection and comfort from others. You sound hurt and alone; there is nothing wrong with looking for love and support. It makes a person feel better.

It doesn't sound as if your family is able to provide this for what ever reasons though. Do you have any close friends or mentors that you can turn to instead?

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by Curious cat

Ever get the feeling when something is wrong, and you just want to call your partner, friends, or family just to talk without necessarily wanting them to give advice, but just be there for you?

I can kind of relate to the desperate feeling of needing to talk to someone, but I can't relate to the feeling of validation afterwards. When I used to try, I'd often feel worse afterwards when I noticed that it had done absolutely nothing for me, and I'd definitely feel worse if I didn't find anyone at all. Even if the person was understanding and agreeable, I never found any answers in them. I always had to look to myself for answers. The feeling of needing to talk to someone gave the impression that something would be better afterwards, but never delivered. Being validated was never satisfying enough, and being dependent was never satisfying at all.

My advice isn't meant to make anyone feel helpless; quite the opposite, it's mean to prevent helpless actions. I don't advise never talking to anyone about anything, but when someone feels desperate, it's often better for them to deal with the desperation itself rather than yield to its demands. Yielding usually leads to an endless cycle of dependence.

[Curious cat]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

when someone feels desperate, it's often better for them to deal with the desperation itself rather than yield to its demands. Yielding usually leads to an endless cycle of dependence.

I think this advice is noteworthy. How did you overcome this yourself? What method did you use?

I am different though, i find when i talk about an issue, it helps bring clarity and when i get somehing off my chest by talking to someone that i feel comfortable with, i feel energised afterwards, lighter even. Maybe it's to do with my audience. I wouldn't feel comfortable with opening up about my problems to just anyone. Mostly just my husband because i trust him to be supportive, but also objective. My parents on the other hand is completely different, i guess why i never open up to them is because they would always dismiss what i have to say, as they rather avoid conflict.

[ButterflyWoman]

Originally Posted by Keast

my mom told me to get over it

I've heard that one. Pretty insensitive, and it's what people tell you when they don't want to deal with you. Last time my mother told me that (actually, she told me to pull myself up by my own bootstraps) was in 1997. I haven't spoken to her since.

Originally Posted by Keast

My father had major depression, along with two of his brothers. So I feel like I inherrited a chemical imbalance from him, but I've never gone to a doctor for it.

It does run in families. Why haven't you gone to a doctor?

Originally Posted by Keast

i know no-one here can fix it for me but I really had to talk to someone, what should I do?

Go to the doctor. And then see about getting a place of your own, where you're not under the constant influence of your parents. You're an adult. You can start taking steps toward acting like one. And, yes, I know it's hard when you're depressed, been there, done that, and I absolutely sympathise, but every step forward is a step forward, no matter how small the step, and every time you do nothing, you stay right where you are.

[Clint Cora]

It's really too bad about the lack of support you get from your family. Mine was a bit like that too. But you still have to take charge of your own health, both physical and mental. Therefore, the first step is to see your doctor and go from there. Depression is not something that you want to take lightly. Get the professional care that you deserve.

[sreeves]

Yeah, I can understand what you are going through. It is very important as parents to be in good relationship with the kids, not matter how old they are. Everything that we see and go through in early childhood, helps shape our brain and its balance.

The living environment has a direct impact on our mindset, attitude and character. And we carry all natural effects on brain well in to adulthood. So, everybody is different in the way we react to situations.

You can try meditation to help ease some of the tension and inner build up of emotions. It helps you to accept things and let go of all the negative influences that have shaped your brain. This way you can bring it back to its original and natural balance and live worry free.

I know it is easier said than done, but trying is what holds the key. And once you feel the inner peace with a few attempts, you will continue this forever. Hope this helps

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by Curious cat

I think this advice is noteworthy. How did you overcome this yourself? What method did you use?

I don't have a hard and fast rule. Staying with the topic at hand, if I feel compelled to talk to someone, and am afraid of what I might miss out on if I don't, then I don't talk to them. Recognition that the action is driven by fear rather than desire makes the decision simple, if not easy.

[tomtomtom]

You should go out and wheel some hott girls, that always makes me feel good. You can move out, your parents are not causing your depression, if they are then it can not be fixed, the source is always self. What is going on besides yoru parents, your 20 do you work or go to school, there are lots of people like hott girls that you can open up to and be held

[jkera]

Hang in there. I'm also 20 and I believe I have dealt with some form of depression (although I've never been diagnosed). I come from a family where my mom has often made me feel worthless and sad. She's made fun of me, only points out my flaws, has yelled at me my entire life for things that I've done wrong. Sounds to me like my mom works a bit differently than yours, yours seems a bit too passive while mine is too aggressive, offensive. Anyway, what helped me deal a lot is realizing how VERY flawed my mom is as a parent. When you're younger you think that everything your parents say is true and right, but now that you're older, realize that your parents might not know what they are doing and that you can't follow everything they say. There's even times where, after I have an incident with my mom, I'll take a mental note on how NOT to raise my kids once I'm a parent myself. I'm not saying you should be hateful towards your parents, hate won't get you anywhere. Love them still but just realize that they are flawed human beings, and that someday you'll be free of them once you move out. In fact, if you really feel like they are screwing with your life, start working towards moving out. If you're going to college then great, more time away.