No more children

[Canarybird]

hi there,

I'm hoping for a little support from those who have gone through/are going through what I'm going through right now.

I'm 43 and single, and have spent the majority of my adult life being single. My problem is that I want children, and I am obviously, at my age and being female, running out of time.

I am struggling to accept the reality that I may never have kids, and I'm feeling really resentful against, firstly, men who have no time limit on this, and women who are lucky enough to find themselves pregnant, or with children.

This feeling comes to an obvious point once a month and I could logically put it in my mind to being a biological thing, but now it's permeating into every day of my life. I look at women with babies and envy them, I see pictures of babies and I'm reduced to tears, I find myself wandering down the baby aisles of supermarkets and feel both jealous and angry. I feel so cheated that what seems a normal part of adult life has eluded me.

I need to find a way of accepting that a life without children, even though you want them, is a worthwhile existence. When the menopause happens to me and I haven't had any kids, I can't honestly see any reason to continue living. That sounds ludicrous I know, but it's how I truly feel. This is having a knock-on effect in all aspects of my life. My overall feeling is, "What's the point?"

Any advice?? Thanks in advance! x

[Curious cat]

Hello,

I don't have any advice to offer, but have you considered adoption or sperm donation?

My sister-in-law missed out on having children when she was struck with early menopause (i believe she was 30 at the time). I don't know how she got through it, because she kept it from everyone (well within her rights to). She finally let it out when she was in her 40's.

She lives in another country to us, so we don't see her often, but from what she tells us, it gives her joy to be around children (she is a teacher). She is also an artist and spends a bit of her time painting. In my observation, she is taking it all in her stride, and immersing herself in her passions and interests seems to fulfill her. Perhaps you could alleviate the pain by focusing on things and activities that bring you joy?

I think when you come to a point in your life where you realise that a dream may not be realised, you are entitled to feel jaded. If the time comes, ride with the pain and through this experience lies the opportunity to learn more about yourself and grow.

You have lived the first half of your life wihout children. Were those formative years worthwhile living? Did you need a point to your life then, to enjoy it? Perhaps you can apply the same perspective on the second chapter of your life. There are many roles you can take in life other than being a mother

I wish you well!

[nothuman]

Hi I'm a guy, but for what its worth heres what I have discovered about having a kid.... particually the first one and you can probably apply this across the boards.
The more you are desparate or anxious about having a child.... the less chance it will manifest. It really is a case of letting go of all your attachment and neediness to that outcome.
In doing that you will find peace anyway. Our firat child took 10 years of trying before she came...the following 2 about 10 minutes of trying.
Once the emotions and blocks are out of the way it will happen.
Also Chinese Herbs helped my partner a lot. All the best.

[mallie]

Hi canary bird,

You can have anything you want and your desire to have a baby is there for a reason. I don't know if you are into the law of attraction, but here is a forum that discusses getting pregnant and how to manifest this thru "feeling" as if it has already happened.

Manifesting Pregnancy - Abraham-Hicks Teachings and You - Forums - Abraham-Hicks Discussion

Also, here is a book I highly recommend on getting into the feeling part of what you are trying to manifest Amazon.com: Excuse Me, Your Life Is Waiting: The Astonishing Power of Feelings (9781571743817): Lynn Grabhorn: Books


You did not say whether or not you desire a boyfriend or husband to conceive this child - so if you desire this type of relationship - here is an excellent cd to help you to find a your perfect relationship Amazon.com: Romance Angels (9781401904142): Doreen Virtue: Books

Right now, you are focusing on what you can't have, getting older and on what is not going to happen and it is creating more lack and frustration in your life. If you really want to have a baby - it is totally possible, but you need to see yourself with this manifestation. Anything can happen- within the next 1-2 yrs, you could be married with twins. Do you realize that at the end of last year I was going to kill myself because I was so despondent over my life and the direction it was going in and now everything is completely turning around and getting so much better. In otherwards, anything can turn around for you.

So just keep the faith, visualize yourself with the type of life you want to create and a way will be made for you to have this life. Also, you could do a vision board with pictures of your ideal life. Just turn around your thinking from "I am getting older and this is not going to happen" to "It is going to happen and the way to make this happen is now manifesting for me!" Things will start turning around for you. Be sure to also listen to your intuition as it will start to guide you to where you want to be. So if all of a sudden, you get the urge to join a yoga group, then do it, either you will meet your soulmate there, or God wants you to relax in order to have a baby. It is very true that stress, desperation and neediness to have something actually blocks the very desires we want to have.

If you knew right now that 6 months from now you would be pregnant - how would you feel? You would feel so happy and relieved - right? Well, that is the type of feeling that you need to manifest what you want. When you know without a doubt that what you want is going to manifest, you let go of all the fears and doubts. What I do is ask God, the angels, archangels and the ascended masters to come into my dreamstate and help me to clear away any blocks, fears and doubts to manifesting what I want and they will help you.

[Clint Cora]

Originally Posted by Canarybird

I am struggling to accept the reality that I may never have kids, and I'm feeling really resentful against, firstly, men who have no time limit on this, and women who are lucky enough to find themselves pregnant, or with children.

Like the other reply, I was also thinking about asking if you considered adoption too. There are certaintly enough parentless children out there who could use a loving parent.

As for your comment about men not having a time limit - I understand what you mean but I also disagree with that point. Although it's true that biologically, men can still father children well into their senior years, there's still a practical issue.

I'm 50, presently single and do not have any children. If I meet a lady I would want to settle down with, it will probably realistically take a year or so of successful courting until we decide to marry or do the common law thing. Then by the time a first child comes along, I will be 51 or 52.

This means I would have to spend the rest of my entire 50s chasing elementary school age kids. Then I would have to spend my entire 60s dealing with teenagers - not exactly an ideal, relaxing way to spend this decade which should be retirement. I won't see my kids into college until my 70s.

This timeline as you could guess, is not very ideal or practical for me so I've decided against having children ever. So on a practical level, there is a limit for us men as well.

[ButterflyWoman]

I'm not going to offer advice on how to become a mother, but on coming to grips with your own fear/angst/resentment, which is what you were asking about, based on my reading of the post.

Originally Posted by Canarybird

I am struggling to accept the reality that I may never have kids

I understand. I understand the problem if having expected and wanted your life to go a certain way, to have certain experiences, and then to realise that... well, it may not go that way. I won't go into all my own stuff on this topic, because this isn't about me, but know that I totally get it.

Originally Posted by Canarybird

I'm feeling really resentful against, firstly, men who have no time limit on this [...] women who are lucky enough to find themselves pregnant, or with children.

While I understand this sentiment, I have to wonder at the waste of energy and focus on a basic biological fact that actually doesn't affect you in the least.

I can tell you firsthand, jealousy/envy will eat you alive and consume an infinite quantity of emotional/mental energy, because it's entirely without resolve. It's like a black hole for emotion, really.

So the biggest thing I suggest is that you put the resentment/envy aside (hey, you can always pick it up later if you want to!) and do some serious self-examination by whatever means you prefer. Find out what's really behind this resentment of other peoples' fertility, which, in a more base sense, is jealousy because someone else has something you do not. There's a lot going on under the surface with something like that, and it pays to root it out and examine it.

Originally Posted by Canarybird

I feel so cheated that what seems a normal part of adult life has eluded me.

I understand. And I'm genuinely sorry that you're in so much pain.

And, you never know. Once you've gotten past the resentment and anger and pain, you might find yourself in a position to conceive or adopt or something along those lines. Stranger things have happened. A lot of times, the anger/fear/jealousy/etc acts as a kind of emotional barrier to what we really want, and once that's sorted, things just fall into place. That's happened to me many times in my life, and I've seen it happen for others, as well.

But the bottom line is, you want and need to feel better, and I sincerely hope you do, and very soon.

[Curious cat]

Holy moly clint you look fantastic for 50.

[JamesKnochel]

A few years back I met a 40-something woman at an Energy Medicine class. She'd felt the clock ticking, and Mr. Right was nowhere to be found, so she did the sperm bank thing and ended up with twins. Don't know when her partner showed up, but this was obviously after the twins arrived. Her kids were about 5 years old when I met her, so she must've been late 30's when they were born.

There's a chapter in Eden & Feinstein's book, Energy Medicine for Women, about Donna's work with women who had been unable to conceive... Of the 100+, only 3 ended up childless. One had blocked fallopian tubes, another's virile-looking husband had low sperm counts, and the third had a relationship that was headed for divorce, and "hey maybe a kid would save this marriage" wasn't enough to attract a kid.

There's another passage where Donna says that, of her thousands of clients, the only ones who wanted to kill her were the post-menopausal women who had sessions for their own reasons and ended up pregnant, because they thought they'd had their "menopause" and stopped all forms of contraception.

My point is simply that you've got more time than you think. Get Dr. Lee's books on Menopause and pre-menopause - these were published when the popular thing for doctors to do was poison female patients of a certain age with Provera, which is actually a toxic form of birth control. He's wrong about certain things - whole milk, for example - but his hormone advice is really good.

The Cayce material is important too. Cayce's Radial Appliance is a powerful tool for rejuvenation, especially when used with Gold Chloride.

Perhaps use Energy Psychology to remove perturbations (self-sabotage) and install patience...

-James Knochel

[Clint Cora]

Originally Posted by Curious cat

Holy moly clint you look fantastic for 50.

Thank you! I guess I'm doing many of the right things for health (but none of the extreme things that nobody can stick to).

[Andrew Gubb]

If you really feel that having children is your life purpose (and I think it is a valid one), then don't wait for a man. Go to a sperm bank and god damn have a kid. Alternatively, if you have a friend who would be up for it, get a friend to "donate". I actually offered to do this for a friend who was facing the fertility clock issue. The idea was that, when needed, I'd impregnate her but not take up the role of father. This requires a lot of trust, of course, but I think it's a good option in some cases.

I think it's empowering to not wait for a man to be in your life to have kids. You're not putting your power to fulfill your dreams in other people's hands.

But don't you need a father for your kids? -- Troubleshooting.

- Children need a father figure.

It may be a challenge to find your masculine side to put limits on your children, etc, if you're a very feminine person, but this won't be the only challenge you'll have and it's a worthwhile growth experience. In the end neither one, nor two people are enough to provide role models to help fully form a child's character. There is a proverb that says "it takes a village to raise a child" and I believe that.

Both with a father, and without one, there is a need to go out and make sure a kid gets enough contact with different people to grow fully as a person.

- But what about money?

Some families support children AND a non-working wife on a single minimum wage income. I think that's pretty hard to do but it is possible.

Again, you'll need to find community to be fully empowered to bring up your children well, especially if you don't earn much money or don't have the ability to take much time off work for your kids. Some retired grandparents who want to fill their life with some more love might work, for instance. Or you can team up with other (single) parents to rotate care time. I bet the internet will make this pretty easy to arrange.

- I'll be looked down on in society for being a single mother!

F**k society. What do you want more, the respect of people who aren't worthy of respect themselves -- or your dreams??

- I can't do this alone!

You have friends. If you don't, find friends. There will be moral support out there for you. If you really need it, *I* will hear you out and give you moral support. So there's one already, if you didn't think you had one. (I imagine you did though).



In the end, if you want something, you go out and get it. I like what Durianrider (a proponent of raw foods) said in response to someone making an excuse that the raw food diet was too expensive.

(Paraphrased) "A heroin addict doesn't complain that heroin is too expensive. He finds a way."

When you want your dreams so bad it's like a heroin addict looking for his next fix, you *find a way*.

There is nothing more unstoppable than a human who knows what they want and has determined that they're going to go out and do what it takes to do it, even if they don't necessarily know what they need to do yet. They put one foot in front of the other, take whatever logical next step appears before them. There's always a next step available, and you can always take it.

[Carri C]

firstly i need to say that i'm very sorry this is your experience and your feelings about it. i have a number of single girlfriends in their 40s in similar positions who have struggled with this same dilemma.

many of them are in 12-step programs and find comfort and a forum for processing their feelings in the fellowship and in working with others. one of them isn't a 12-step girl but is extremely involved with her nieces and nephews and finds meaning and peace in buddhism and meditation.

leaving aside the spiritual and LOA aspects of this, let me firstly assure you that you can still have children at 43. i had my son at 42 with no difficulties at all.

and depending to what degree you're willing to have a child on your own there are a number of avenues that i'm sure you're aware of including: adoption; fostering; getting involved in a Big Sister program; asking a male friend; asking a gay friend (using the turkey baster ); sperm banks; and of course, as we know, God in his wisdom, has provided plenty of blokes all available at the right time of the month in every pub in town

single motherhood is clearly a tougher path so you need plenty of family, friend or community support. according to stats there are more single mums than partnered mums these days so i'm sure you'll find a community of other single mums to support you too.

should you decide this is not the path for you then there is still peace to be found and a good life to be had without children. don't write off counselling to help you release the grief. it's real and not to be minimised. then gently start to ignite and fan your other dreams whether they be travel, meditation, art, sport, music, volunteer work or whatever. i have no doubt you've heard this before and it won't feel like much compensation right now, but there's a bunch of stuff you can really devote yourself to when unencumbered that's harder to do with kids.

perhaps also try to find some mentors who have been through this, have come out the other side and feel good about themselves and their lives. i'm always inspired by Louise Hay. tough childhood, had to adopt out her one and only child when very young, but more love, friends, abundance and fulfillment in her life than most people on the planet!!

oh, and get yourself a copy of Mama Gena's School Of Womanly Arts to start yourself along a happy-vibe-path: Mama Gena's School of Womanly Arts | Create Your Life. she's also got an online forum i think. Christiane Northrup is also great for all us women facing menopause.

all the best with the journey. our love and support is with you. xx

[Bunterhaperton]

I've got no interest in having children myself for the time being. From experience, when I was growing up, my two youngest brothers were toddlers and I had to spend alot of time in looking after them after school every day as well as looking after them on the weekends until they reached teenhood. Never again! lol

Looking after children properly and being a good role model to them every day is very hard and very draining which requires alot of patience and understanding. But you do learn alot on what you should and shouldn't do when it comes to discipline, feeding, being a good role model etc.

Experience is indeed the best teacher in life.

[Bonadea]

I just want to say I am sorry.

[Canarybird]

Wow - thanks everyone for taking the time to reply, it all makes total sense. I am considering the single parent route, but I am more concerned about my feelings of bitterness and resentment at the moment. I am going to spend some time working through that.

And can I just echo other comments - Clint, you look way younger!!

[Clint Cora]

Originally Posted by Canarybird

Wow - thanks everyone for taking the time to reply, it all makes total sense. I am considering the single parent route, but I am more concerned about my feelings of bitterness and resentment at the moment. I am going to spend some time working through that.

And can I just echo other comments - Clint, you look way younger!!

Good luck. Don't forget that it's much better use of your emotional energy to focus on constructive ways to live your life rather than via bitterness and resentment. Have faith that you can still be a productive member of society whether you end up being a single parent or not.

[Andrew Gubb]

Originally Posted by Canarybird

Wow - thanks everyone for taking the time to reply, it all makes total sense. I am considering the single parent route, but I am more concerned about my feelings of bitterness and resentment at the moment. I am going to spend some time working through that.

For emotional work, I really recommend ChrisL of this forum. This is his website: About Us - Chris Sadhuta Liaguno