Seeking new perspective

[straysweeper]

I've been trapped in this cycle for over 3 years now off and on. Looking for work, but not feeling drawn or connected to it, or to the point of just not looking and settling for less than I deserve.

I'm in Vegas and while I feel happier here, I feel almost like I can't make it work here and will have to retreat back to where I don't really want to be. But in the same breathe, I don't think I'm completely here, or resentful of this situation that I've created for myself with the lack of work history for the past few years.

I get okay for a few days, and brainstorm of things I'd like to do, such as monolithic homes, or solar and alternative energy, to being a green consultant, or more along this theme. Also, I've considered personal training or owning a health food shop, but some of these takes more money and training than I currently possess. Rest of the time, I've other ideas, of building or designing something, or doing things that truly help people but this history has become so anchored I'd almost rather jump off a bridge than face it. Which Is totally ridiculous of course, but its just that big of a monkey.

I hear conflicting things from difference of people, that I'm okay as I am, and others that I have social problems, and I just think I have a problem providing value in a consciousness and self sustaining way that simulatinously meets my needs.

Some of the time I can find piece, but then I feel like I have to produce or do something, and its stress and fight or flight (usually flight) kicks in.

I'm desperate really. I want to work, and to do good work, At least I believe I do. I just dont' know how to always convey that to people, along with my skills, talents and abilities.

[Manuel]

Tell them?

[Bonadea]

I know this isn't answering what you're asking, but I getting the feel you might want to....

Sit, write all those things out that you are interested in doing.
Look at those things and just sit with them a while.

What is the reoccurring theme of them? Why is that important to you? From there, it should become more clear.

Also, take a minute to really check yourself, put your ego aside. Is this something that REALLY interests you or are you trying to full fill some image of who you should be.

I don't feel the answer will change on that last one, but the process of doing it is important if that makes sense.