Accepting oneself

[xiahoudun]

I think a lot of people seem to struggle with accepting themselves. They therefore look for a sense of acceptance in their career, family, friendships, relationships, wealth/possessions, etc. While I don't see anything wrong with these things I do see it as fundamentally important to accept oneself.

The question is how. I know of a young man who grew up with high standards and constant expectations, he now lives under the shadow of that, always looking to be more, never accepting himself. It leaves him with a stark sense of insecurity and need for acceptance.

He's now a young adult and wants to solve this once and for all. Advice/suggestions?

[CroMagna]

He should stop caring so much about what others think of him. I know some people aren't into labels, but I think it's good to pick one label to define yourself and take pride in that. That's what Steve calls True North. This is something that stays with you even when you're not successful. He should meditate on his True North, letting the word be a mantra. He should absorb and make it his life. Then the success becomes a supplement rather than a burning need.

[Fred Tracy]

I suggest meditating in getting in touch with who he really is. That's what helped me the most.

I used to be someone who craved acceptance a lot. The strange thing is, after I learned to accept myself, of course my entire reality changed, but I realized how much BS I have been fed my entire life.

To be free from others' expectations is a beautiful thing. I now have the freedom to do whatever I like. If I want, I can sit on my butt and do nothing all day. Or I can go out of your something crazy. Either way, there are no negative emotions associated with either choice.

What a profound thing.

[xiahoudun]

Originally Posted by Fred Tracy

I suggest meditating in getting in touch with who he really is. That's what helped me the most.

I used to be someone who craved acceptance a lot. The strange thing is, after I learned to accept myself, of course my entire reality changed, but I realized how much BS I have been fed my entire life.

To be free from others' expectations is a beautiful thing. I now have the freedom to do whatever I like. If I want, I can sit on my butt and do nothing all day. Or I can go out of your something crazy. Either way, there are no negative emotions associated with either choice.

What a profound thing.

How do you mean meditating? Like the buddhist's emptying one's mind?

[xiahoudun]

Originally Posted by CroMagna

He should stop caring so much about what others think of him. I know some people aren't into labels, but I think it's good to pick one label to define yourself and take pride in that. That's what Steve calls True North. This is something that stays with you even when you're not successful. He should meditate on his True North, letting the word be a mantra. He should absorb and make it his life. Then the success becomes a supplement rather than a burning need.

Is there somewhere I can read up on more about this 'True North'?

[Arz Sra]

Originally Posted by xiahoudun

I think a lot of people seem to struggle with accepting themselves. They therefore look for a sense of acceptance in their career, family, friendships, relationships, wealth/possessions, etc. While I don't see anything wrong with these things I do see it as fundamentally important to accept oneself.

The question is how. I know of a young man who grew up with high standards and constant expectations, he now lives under the shadow of that, always looking to be more, never accepting himself. It leaves him with a stark sense of insecurity and need for acceptance.

He's now a young adult and wants to solve this once and for all. Advice/suggestions?

I think it comes on its own. Acceptance is something that happens to you. Acceptance as an act is bound to be tinted by 'shoulds' or 'supposed to bes' And this defeats the very nature of acceptance. .. In my experience, it always comes when life gives you some JOLT... When you have no other option left but to bear that JOLT.. Normally we manage to escape and keep the GAME going on.. Acceptance often happens as a result of being cornered badly.. When there is no other option left but to face the REAL you.. And it happens sooner or later..

[Arz Sra]

As a second thought , the best he can do is to not alienate the pain , be honest about himself. Being honest with yourself about yourself is not very easy I know but its the only way to make a permanent shift in consciousness. Being honest will induce a lot of pain because ego is attached to the 'thought' version of yourself. Just bear the pain. Just observe the subtle ways through which minds wants to escape into yet another identity ( 'poor-me', 'never say die', 'its for good' ) .. Mind again tends to put itself in Frames of mind in order to escape from the pain.. This just prolongs the misery. It will haunt you again and again. Just be brave and bear the pain without any comforting thought.

[OptimistPrime]

Originally Posted by xiahoudun

Advice/suggestions?

The way that I came to accept myself was by embracing a theology that says that a) we all have immortal souls, b) our souls reincarnate in a human body again some time after we die, c) our souls are inexorably moving closer to "perfection" (or some approximation of that concept), and d) that this process will go on whether we are conscious of it or not, so our happiness largely depends on how consciously we live it as our reality.

Obviously, such a theology isn't for everyone, but that's what worked for me.

[Alen]

Originally Posted by Arz Sra

I think it comes on its own. Acceptance is something that happens to you. Acceptance as an act is bound to be tinted by 'shoulds' or 'supposed to bes' And this defeats the very nature of acceptance. .. In my experience, it always comes when life gives you some JOLT... When you have no other option left but to bear that JOLT.. Normally we manage to escape and keep the GAME going on.. Acceptance often happens as a result of being cornered badly.. When there is no other option left but to face the REAL you.. And it happens sooner or later..

I am Sorry Arz Sra, but I highly disagree with you. I think that you have to train your mind to accept yourself. I am sorry; it was trained not to accept itself. Because when we were little child we all accepted ourselves fully and freely. We didn't criticize a single thing we did. We just did it. Then our parents and an environment programmed us to think differently. Now we just have to retrain it back

@xiahoudun

No change can be forced. Start small.

1. Listen to this speech every day for 30 days. Your mind will start to pay attention to it's self destructive behavior. Then we can deal with it.
2. Mirror exercise 15 minutes 5 times per week (4 weeks). Start mirroring facial expressions and posture/gestures of people who totally love themselves. Again I suggest Louise L. Hay in the same video.


*use this page to convert video to mp3, so you can listen to it on iPod.

[raykilleen]

Accepting is dogma;…inquire, discover and understand oneself…

[nothuman]

In essense I am in agreement with Arz Sra. The only point I would add is to introduce an intention to accept ones self. Let the intention manifest as it will.

[Arz Sra]

Originally Posted by Alen

I am Sorry Arz Sra, but I highly disagree with you. I think that you have to train your mind to accept yourself. I am sorry; it was trained not to accept itself. Because when we were little child we all accepted ourselves fully and freely. We didn't criticize a single thing we did. We just did it. Then our parents and an environment programmed us to think differently. Now we just have to retrain it back

@xiahoudun

No change can be forced. Start small.

1. Listen to this speech every day for 30 days. Your mind will start to pay attention to it's self destructive behavior. Then we can deal with it.
2. Mirror exercise 15 minutes 5 times per week (4 weeks). Start mirroring facial expressions and posture/gestures of people who totally love themselves. Again I suggest Louise L. Hay in the same video.


*use this page to convert video to mp3, so you can listen to it on iPod.

You are free to express your views. May be we mean something different by acceptance. Cut-pasting from something I wrote sometimes back -

"Let me now redefine acceptance ( the real and not the mental) and tell you how real acceptance can transmute your suffering... Acceptance is not an act. If its an act then it comes to the domain of mind and mind cannot free you, it can only bind. What is acceptance then? No twists or turns, Acceptance simply is accepting the reality as it is. The same definition that Baboon gave. But acceptance cannot be of the mind, acceptance of mind is a form of denial because mind canont know the reality. In mental acceptance, you are just denying the truth though just by a lesser distance. Only when you are in a pure observation state can reality occur to you. Acceptance is the natural State of your being. Acceptance means not condemning, not judging, not verbalizing, not conceptualizing, not ideating, just being with whatever is. The only obstacle in the way to acceptance is the mind. If you can make the mind still. To be precise, if you can let go of the tendency to control, all that is left is your being - the pure observer- and the very nature of that being is acceptance - non-judgmential and unconditional. True acceptance is of the being, acceptance of the mind is just another form of denial. Only from true acceptance can true understanding spring and of course, better solutions as well."

[Acting Like Godot]

Originally Posted by xiahoudun

The question is how. I know of a young man who grew up with high standards and constant expectations, he now lives under the shadow of that, always looking to be more, never accepting himself. It leaves him with a stark sense of insecurity and need for acceptance.

He's now a young adult and wants to solve this once and for all. Advice/suggestions?

Well, I am a man with high standards and constant expectations. At the same time, I'm very happy with myself.

Having high standards and constant expectations doesn't mean that you can't accept yourself.

I love me. I really admire my own diligence and commitment, towards getting even better.

[Self Exploration]

If something is accepted, there is NO awareness that it has been accepted. It just is.

In that case, acceptance, is dogma and life causes acceptance naturally.

But ... accepting something, usually means dealing with inner conflict.

Acceptance, would generally mean
making a sacrifice,
having no negative emotional reaction to something, that a person already has.

That can require an act of will.

Granted life can guide or force the self to accept things, but a part of the self,
a dominant part can push back strongly.

The negotiation that has to take place is a choice to be made, that will not happen on its own.

If we do not choose to face our inner demons, perhaps life will create an encounter that would cause the integration.

In other words, letting go of the resistance to accept, requires a decision.