Help after 6 months of grief and heartache

[StarCrossed]

I'm very depressed and confused after going through my husband's aunt's long and excruciating death. As awful as it sounds, I'm not so depressed about her dying (although I loved her greatly and helped her immensely).

It's having to deal with his very large, very toxic, family that I feel completely used me up by having me deal with all the big questions and issues for them concerning her death.

I did way more than my husband did for his own family and I really resent him for not stepping up and taking care of them instead of me.

He withdrew from me for about 4 months during the thick of this dying business and it broke my heart not to have him interact with me and be there for each other.

That is why I'm so depressed now because I can no longer relate to my husband and I don't know if I really want to anymore because I feel I've evolved into wanting more from a husband.

He withdrew into his computer and one word responses for 4 months and I added 2 more months of me trying to avoid him because I don't like him anymore and am afraid of being around him.

I basically felt unloved & unsupported for 6 months now and I've been mulling over all the things I hate about him and his family.

Are there any words of wisdom how to cope with a disconnect between spouses? I'm sad all the time and can't relate to most people now (I'm naturally an outgoing, loving person). Can catastrophic death change what you want in your spouse? Are there any coping strategies I can employ just to even get through the day because I'm always thinking about maybe leaving my husband?

[ZephyrusX]

Was your husband disconnected from you before the death? Was he very close to the aunt? Have you sought therapy? Both for coping with the death and for rebuilding the relationship?

I don't know... The grandmother of my best friend during grade school died and this was the catalyst that ended up in her parents divorcing. Apparently, her father didn't cope very well with his mother dying at all. I suspect though that their relationship was already on shaky grounds and that it was just waiting for a major life event before it would fall apart. Sometimes it takes some thing major to show weaknesses in a person's character or weaknesses in a relationship.

[CroMagna]

Why don't you tell him exactly how you feel? Give him one last chance to come around. Tell him you feel resentful towards his family, you feel used, you didn't appreciate his 4 month withdrawal. Don't let it escalate into an argument.

Do you still love him? Have you stopped having sex?

Honestly, I would never marry a man who had a toxic family. That's a recipe for misery. I would strongly consider divorce.

Coping strategies that work for depression are journaling, being in the sun, eating tasty food in moderation, masturbation, and mindfulness.

[Fred Tracy]

I wouldn't suggest any coping strategies so much as getting out of there, fast.

What he did is unacceptable. I would remove yourself from the entire situation and start over.

MAYBE give him one last chance. But remove yourself. Quickly.

[StarCrossed]

I've kinda conditioned myself and been conditioned to not like him over the course of the past 6 months so I'm not loving him at the the moment and I don't know if that's a valid emotion now or a conditioned one.

So I don't know if I really love him anymore. He tells me he loves me but I can't say it back yet.

We have stopped having sex. I wanted it to connect to him, feel loved, and comforted but that was about 5 months back and we were dealing with his aunt's illness so he just wanted to be on the computer. He tried about a month ago to have sex with me but I was really sad and ended up naked and crying and scared unable to do anything so he stopped.

I feel a wreck which is totally unlike who I am. He knows all my gripes about what I don't like in him and he knows I'm terribly sad.

In fact he actually told me that he hates for me to be sad (because sometimes when I with just him I tear up and try to control my crying). He said that if I don't love him anymore I could go if it will make me happy again. This liberated my brain a bit but I'm too much a mess to make decisions at the moment so I don't trust myself.

Journaling helps me get up any other words of wisdom. I really appreciate your help because I feel alone.

[ssandra]

I am sorry that you have to go through this.

Some tips that I have for you;

* Throw out the computer
* If that is impossible (for work reasons) have fixed times at which you can use the computer for work reasons.

After that, cancel your tv subscription.

Once all the distractions are deleted, go ahead and get to know your husband again. Know who he is. If you still like him. If you could love him again, or if you really have no more feelings left.

It is difficult enough to sort through emotions in such a difficult time. Having more distractions only makes it more difficult.

To me it sounds as if your husband is running in the online world to hide from the real one. Ask him to come back.

Have conversations again. Talk again. Not just about what happened with the aunt, although that is important, but also about the little things. About a flower you saw blooming or a cute little bird.

Don't try and have sex until it comes natural from wanting him, or him wanting you. Otherwise you'll just feel bad about it.

Once you get to know each other again, you know if you will want to continue with him or not.

If turning off the internet and tv seem too much effort for saving your relationship... well... there is your answer as well.

[StarCrossed]

ZephyrusX I used to be ok with my husband. I thought we were pretty happy but I did put up with some really immature, bossy, & lazy behaviors of his. I wasn't disconnected from him but I will say that the loss of sex with him seemed to be the last straw of our connection for me because he wasn't emotionally feeding my love so the physical was all I had left (and that has been for about a year that the physical was largely the only connection of love I had with him).

He was very close to his aunt and I was too but we haven't fully grieved for her probably. She withered away so her deterioration made us all almost want her to pass because her mind was gone at some point.

We haven't sought any counseling other than just talking to friends or one trustworthy family member & even then we don't tell all.

I've just gotten to a point in my life where I felt I've moved past what I'm willing to put up with after having dealt with the heaviness of inlaws & death and I don't even trust my husband any more with my heart because I felt he took me to the crazy house and then abandoned me for too many months.

I self sabotage better days with him because of my fear of letting him back in and trusting him. I pick on him if he does stuff on those days. I can't believe I'm like this at all but I feel like a disembodied head at the thought of interacting with him or at the thought of leaving him and being alone.

[Ken Benjamin]

If all you had before was sex, then there wasn't much to hold onto or rely on from each other when there were problems.

Is it possible that your husband feels the same way you do but doesn't want to say so?

It sounds like he loves you but doesn't know what to do for you or simply can't.

You also mention all your gripes about him. STOP right there. He is who he is. If that isn't what you love, then do him a favor and leave. Nobody is perfect except to themselves. Accept him as he is or move on.

If you can accept him, perhaps you will have something to offer him and also be able to accept what he has to offer you.

I know from experience how hard what you are going through is. The only way through is by supporting each other, even when it's hard. You both missed the best time to do that but if you still love him, it's not too late to stop griping and start helping him recover from his loss.

You're not the only one in pain. That much seems clear. It takes years to get over a major loss. Really, they just fade, not disappear.

Sorry if I seem harsh but I figure you can use it straight up rather than sugar coated.

I wish you both well.

P.S. And the toxic family? Just smile and laugh. They'll think you're nuts but, hey, that's probably what you think about them anyhow.