How Do You Let Go?

[AidanMatthews216]

I can't seem to let go of the need to prove myself right.

It's very frustrating and I'm not proud of it. I'm extremely argumentative and if my ideas are at stake I can end up being very preachy and condescending without realizing it--or realizing it but not being able to stop myself. When it's easy to prove somebody wrong I can't resist; when it's difficult, I may use sleazy tactics to make my point, to my own chagrin. It disgusts me to see the way I bitch and moan about the smallest differences between my views and others, and it gets especially bad when those around me are equally ready to argue. Thankfully this forum is very amiable, and not a lot of debate goes on. However, on another forum I recently had my account deleted because I couldn't stand the way I was acting. It was very difficult to make that decision because I was in the middle of several debates, and I know that at least some will hypothesize that I left because I was too cowardly to stand up for myself. Others will go on disagreeing, and even that bothers me to the point that I would get right up and create a new account, if I wouldn't feel guilty about doing so.

I know that I am not my ideas, nor are others theirs, and I don't want to be so concerned with changing others' minds to agree with mine. But it's so difficult to let go of that. What can I do?

[Mark Lapierre]

You could try changing your approach to argumentation.

PS: I used to be like this. Still am sometimes. I've made gradual changes through repeatedly reminding myself that I can learn from others only if I don't keep telling them they're wrong.

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by Mark Lapierre

You could try changing your approach to argumentation.

PS: I used to be like this. Still am sometimes. I've made gradual changes through repeatedly reminding myself that I can learn from others only if I don't keep telling them they're wrong.

Thank for the link Mark... very informative...

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[Shamou]

Originally Posted by AidanMatthews216
I can't seem to let go of the need to prove myself right.

Don’t feel bad Aidan… most of us are like that… and, frankly… I don’t know if it’s all bad… it’s an alpha’s (leader) trait… and it can serve you as well as it can hurt you…

Obviously, it can hurt you in many ways… it antagonizes people… you miss out on valuable input and information…

On the other hand… it forces you to reach down into your beliefs and convictions… and re-examine them… it will also motivate you to do some more researches to validate (or modify) those same opinions…

So, what I tried to do (and still trying) is to strike a happy balance between being affirmative and inquisitive… but, above all… being opinionated has taught me that I should always take a few deep breaths before responding to anyone who disagree with me… and, to never react under the influence of anger…

Have a happy trail my friend...

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[help4me]

Originally Posted by AidanMatthews216

I can't seem to let go of the need to prove myself right.

It's very frustrating and I'm not proud of it. I'm extremely argumentative and if my ideas are at stake I can end up being very preachy and condescending without realizing it--or realizing it but not being able to stop myself. When it's easy to prove somebody wrong I can't resist; when it's difficult, I may use sleazy tactics to make my point, to my own chagrin. It disgusts me to see the way I bitch and moan about the smallest differences between my views and others, and it gets especially bad when those around me are equally ready to argue. Thankfully this forum is very amiable, and not a lot of debate goes on. However, on another forum I recently had my account deleted because I couldn't stand the way I was acting. It was very difficult to make that decision because I was in the middle of several debates, and I know that at least some will hypothesize that I left because I was too cowardly to stand up for myself. Others will go on disagreeing, and even that bothers me to the point that I would get right up and create a new account, if I wouldn't feel guilty about doing so.

I know that I am not my ideas, nor are others theirs, and I don't want to be so concerned with changing others' minds to agree with mine. But it's so difficult to let go of that. What can I do?

Perhaps if you discover the "why".....you'll be able to change the behavior you find undesirable. Rather than treat the symptom... treat the cause.

[AidanMatthews216]

Originally Posted by Shamou

Don’t feel bad Aidan… most of us are like that… and, frankly… I don’t know if it’s all bad… it’s an alpha’s (leader) trait… and it can serve you as well as it can hurt you…

Obviously, it can hurt you in many ways… it antagonizes people… you miss out on valuable input and information…

On the other hand… it forces you to reach down into your beliefs and convictions… and re-examine them… it will also motivate you to do some more researches to validate (or modify) those same opinions…

So, what I tried to do (and still trying) is to strike a happy balance between being affirmative and inquisitive… but, above all… being opinionated has taught me that I should always take a few deep breaths before responding to anyone who disagree with me… and, to never react under the influence of anger…

Have a happy trail my friend...

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Thank you! That makes a lot of sense.

[Lychee]

You have to become a bit selfish in this regard and set your eyes on a goal. Whether or not someone agrees with you does nothing for you. This person can do nothing against you and nothing for you. Letting go seems to be the only answer when you hold this view. Does it really matter if someone agrees? Are you defending your view to your yourself or to someone else?

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by AidanMatthews216

Thank you! That makes a lot of sense.

You are most welcome... and... don't cut yourself short... for a sixteen years old... you are amazing... at that age, I was still trying to figure out how to talk to a girl without fainting...

.

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by herman7899

It's scientifically proven...

How so...???

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[Erock]

Hey man you just gotta realize that there is no way you can win an argument if your opponent is unwiling to change their belief system. They literally can't see your viewpoint because their beliefs are getting in the way. Once you realize this you will gradually stop getting in arguments, because you will know how pointless they are.

Erock

[Freelancer]

Originally Posted by AidanMatthews216

I can't seem to let go of the need to prove myself right.

It's very frustrating and I'm not proud of it. I'm extremely argumentative and if my ideas are at stake I can end up being very preachy and condescending without realizing it--or realizing it but not being able to stop myself. When it's easy to prove somebody wrong I can't resist; when it's difficult, I may use sleazy tactics to make my point, to my own chagrin. It disgusts me to see the way I bitch and moan about the smallest differences between my views and others, and it gets especially bad when those around me are equally ready to argue. Thankfully this forum is very amiable, and not a lot of debate goes on. However, on another forum I recently had my account deleted because I couldn't stand the way I was acting. It was very difficult to make that decision because I was in the middle of several debates, and I know that at least some will hypothesize that I left because I was too cowardly to stand up for myself. Others will go on disagreeing, and even that bothers me to the point that I would get right up and create a new account, if I wouldn't feel guilty about doing so.

I know that I am not my ideas, nor are others theirs, and I don't want to be so concerned with changing others' minds to agree with mine. But it's so difficult to let go of that. What can I do?

I posted this in another thread and it might be helpfull to you. By the way just being aware of this is already a HUGE step so pat yourself on the back, nice job !

This is how I do it now;
I listen to other people first, I ask them questions and I try to understand there viewpoint.
Than I explain my viewpoint and ask them questions if they understand it.
Than I make a descision based on both viewpoints and what I think is best for me.
Than I tell them my descision and follow through with it
Than the issue is over for me and usually they drop it. If not I ask them if there viewpoint changed in any way, if not I ask them to drop it. If they don't well tough luck for them because I'm not going to argue with them anymore...

This is my approach towards arguments now, the first part about listening to THEM first and asking questions first and trying to understand THEM first is absolutely critical. You don't have to agree with them at that stage, just try to understand them. Once you think you understand them than you can explain your viewpoint, often I find that the argument after this step is pretty much over. Each said there opinion and try'd to understand the other person and each sticked with there opinion (or not) so now you can move on.

To me argumentation isn't so much as forcing the other guy to understand MY viewpoint, its more a matter of understanding them. And than tell them my viewpoint and where I think there wrong but only after I understand them.

Think about the old saying (somewhat paraphrased);
The favorite subjects of people are themselves.

Its still true, people love talking about themselves and there idea's. So let them go first, they will appreciate it. And it also has a few other side effects, you will be more likeable and they will build rapport with you. This means that they are more open to listening to your side now and your odds of persuading them just skyrocketed.

But again generally I don't try to persuade I try to make them understand me, after all if I blatently tell them 'THIS is the truth' (even if it is) than it will only have negative side effects. And more importantly, I think I am right so if they understand my viewpoint I figure if there smart they change there's. If they don't want to change well thats fine as well. However this goes both ways, I also try to understand there viewpoints so if I am wrong and smart I will change MY viewpoints and I probably don't even have to explain my OLD viewpoints to them.

Anyway I've been rambling on about this to long now.
Homework ():
Next time you find yourself in a argument, try to listen first.

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by Freelancer
This is how I do it now;
I listen to other people first, I ask them questions and I try to understand there viewpoint.
Than I explain my viewpoint and ask them questions if they understand it.
Than I make a descision based on both viewpoints and what I think is best for me.
Than I tell them my descision and follow through with it
Than the issue is over for me and usually they drop it. If not I ask them if there viewpoint changed in any way, if not I ask them to drop it. If they don't well tough luck for them because I'm not going to argue with them anymore...

Good advice Freelancer… Here is what Stephen Covey has to say about communication in his book: “The seven habits of highly successful people”

"Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood. Covey warns that giving out advice before having empathetically understood a person and their situation will likely result in that advice being rejected.

Thoroughly listening to another person's concerns instead of reading out your own autobiography is purported to increase the chance of establishing a working communication."

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[Freelancer]

Originally Posted by Shamou

Good advice Freelancer… Here is what Stephen Covey has to say about communication in his book: “The seven habits of highly successful people”


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Damn that guy is smart !

[Shamou]

Originally Posted by Freelancer

Damn that guy is smart !

I also think that anyone who agrees with me is smart...

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[Freelancer]

Originally Posted by Shamou

I also think that anyone who agrees with me is smart...

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Must be, I agree a awfull lot with smart people.

[Mayo]

Freelancer you will grow into a great man continuing to thread the pass you have projected your self! I only hope that you don't neglect your private life for this forum..

[Freelancer]

Originally Posted by Mayo

Freelancer you will grow into a great man continuing to thread the pass you have projected your self! I only hope that you don't neglect your private life for this forum..

Don't worry about that, its something I'm working on but the results just haven't come around the corner yet haha.

Now I'm atleast not randomly surfing the net but actually helping people, next step help them in real life and wane myself off compulsive forum checking.

And thank you very much for the compliment, I really appreciate it.