Overwhelmed by self created problem..Need advice

[sharshar89]

Hi, recently I keep obsessing about sabotaging myself in a particular situation which is very important and I act as though I have already sabotaged myself and is grieving and feeling unjust about it..This is not new to me because its not the first time..The other time it happened I really did sabotage myself..So I'm really scared that it will happen again..The other time I tried to overcome it by replacing with another positive thought but the negative thoughts keep invading and I felt great headache until I couldn't help it but to sabotage myself so as not to have those thoughts..I know either avoiding the paranoia or preventing it will cause it to be stronger..But I don't know what else to do and Im very scared..I always have this fear of sabotaging myself especially at the last minute of it..
I find it weird why this emotional state always comes back and it takes weeks or a month to make it disappear but then usually I take only one day to change from a normal emotional state to an abnormal emotional state..
Anyone got any idea how to deal with this? Its like I imagine something happening and the scene keeps repeating in my head and I get very stressed up trying to push them away or clear my mind blank..It is affecting me physically too because I feel great discomfort when those scenes kee repeating and I get very upset..What should I do..Its like an imagined problem and Im trying to prevent the scene in my head from happening..Sigh.Anyone got similar problems and what do you do to solve it..?I feel theres nothing to solve just that I have to stop the scene from playing

[pianoperformer]

Would you say that you are afraid of success?

[sharshar89]

No..I'm afraid of failure despite hardwork

[pianoperformer]

Originally Posted by sharshar89

No..I'm afraid of failure despite hardwork

How do you live when you are afraid of failure?

[sharshar89]

Originally Posted by pianoperformer

How do you live when you are afraid of failure?

Very bad..Constant afraid and in anxiety..What should I do

[pianoperformer]

Originally Posted by sharshar89

Very bad..Constant afraid and in anxiety..

Who would you be without that belief, if you were incapable of believing you would fail, or having fear that you would fail?

Originally Posted by sharshar89

What should I do

Identify the lie. Can you really know you will fail? Why be afraid of it? You are more likely to succeed when you don't live as though you will fail.

Turn around this statement. Instead of saying "I will fail," say "I will succeed."

When the thought, "I will fail" comes up in your mind, recognize it as a belief you don't need to listen to.

[sharshar89]

Originally Posted by pianoperformer

Who would you be without that belief, if you were incapable of believing you would fail, or having fear that you would fail?



Identify the lie. Can you really know you will fail? Why be afraid of it? You are more likely to succeed when you don't live as though you will fail.

Turn around this statement. Instead of saying "I will fail," say "I will succeed."

When the thought, "I will fail" comes up in your mind, recognize it as a belief you don't need to listen to.

I will be very at peace and calm..
Yes what you are saying is what I did the other time but the positive belief was much more weak compared to the negative one..What do I do besides replacing thoughts..?I tried that in critical moments but didn't work..Did I do it wrongly

I do not know I will fail..Most likely I will succeed but theres this scene in my head I have to get rid of before I sabotage myself..

[pianoperformer]

Originally Posted by sharshar89

I will be very at peace and calm..
Yes what you are saying is what I did the other time but the positive belief was much more weak compared to the negative one..What do I do besides replacing thoughts..?I tried that in critical moments but didn't work..Did I do it wrongly

I do not know I will fail..Most likely I will succeed but theres this scene in my head I have to get rid of before I sabotage myself..

What's the worst that can happen if you fail? What are you so afraid of?

What else you can do depends on your background. I've been using Ho'oponopono with great success. See my thread on it here: Zero Limits

Otherwise, investigate your fears. Why are you so afraid? What's it mean about you if you fail?

[sharshar89]

Originally Posted by pianoperformer

What's the worst that can happen if you fail? What are you so afraid of?

What else you can do depends on your background. I've been using Ho'oponopono with great success. See my thread on it here: Zero Limits

Otherwise, investigate your fears. Why are you so afraid? What's it mean about you if you fail?

It means that I'm worthless..I'm afraid of feeling that and afraid of feeling depressed again..I'm afraid of what I think because I know the law of atrraction..if my thoughts get too intense I will most likely make it happen..I will read your site when I'm back home, I'm on my phone now.

[Clint Cora]

Without knowing the specifics of your situation, I'm going to suggest that in these cases, you will benefit greatly if you reframe the situations. It makes me think back to one from my own life where I use to be so scared of the top competitors in martial arts tournaments, that I was always going into these events overwhelmed.

As soon as I saw the top competitors arrive, I already said to myself that there's no way that I've ever going to do well when there are so many more people who are much better than I am. In a sense, I was afraid of failing in competition.

My coach then told me that if I think this way, I am already defeated before competition events even start and he was right. I had to reframe the situation so that I approach competition from a totally different angle and purpose. I learned to forget about the other competitors and just do it for me. To improve myself no matter what place I get in a tournament.

Rather than repeat the entire story here, I'll refer you to the article I wrote in a well known blog called Dumb Little Man. I think there are some useful points there that can help you reframe things for your own situation.

Good luck

[Self Exploration]

Assuming you have discovered sabotage by your self.

Self sabotage does not happen for no reason.
In fact there is always a very good reason.

You ... have a very good reason.

A respectable reason.
A logical reason.

You will have to make friends with the saboteur.

Because it is you.

And you deserve respect.

Especially from your self.

The journey of understanding will unlock yourself.

Be loyal to the part of you that loves.

[pianoperformer]

Originally Posted by sharshar89

It means that I'm worthless..I'm afraid of feeling that and afraid of feeling depressed again..I'm afraid of what I think because I know the law of atrraction..if my thoughts get too intense I will most likely make it happen..I will read your site when I'm back home, I'm on my phone now.

If you go in believing you are worthless, then that's what will happen. Does someone who is worthless succeed? Then if you believe that about yourself, you aren't going to allow yourself to succeed.

But you are doing it backwards. Because you fail, you are worthless. That's going from the outside in. You have to go from the inside out. Once you stop believing that you are worthless, failing will lose any useful meaning to you. You will realize you can't fail, because you are in every moment. You are being itself; You are you.

Do you have any proof that you are worthless? Do you really have any reason to believe it? When you do believe it, it just stops you in your tracks. It's like putting up a wall in front of you, but it's self-created.

Can you think of any proof of how you are worthy? If you can think of even one example, you certainly aren't worthless. If you are worthy, you can't fail.

I know what it's like to believe you are worthless. I believed this about myself for years, and still struggle with it. But it's just a lie.

[sharshar89]

Originally Posted by pianoperformer

If you go in believing you are worthless, then that's what will happen. Does someone who is worthless succeed? Then if you believe that about yourself, you aren't going to allow yourself to succeed.

But you are doing it backwards. Because you fail, you are worthless. That's going from the outside in. You have to go from the inside out. Once you stop believing that you are worthless, failing will lose any useful meaning to you. You will realize you can't fail, because you are in every moment. You are being itself; You are you.

Do you have any proof that you are worthless? Do you really have any reason to believe it? When you do believe it, it just stops you in your tracks. It's like putting up a wall in front of you, but it's self-created.

Can you think of any proof of how you are worthy? If you can think of even one example, you certainly aren't worthless. If you are worthy, you can't fail.

I know what it's like to believe you are worthless. I believed this about myself for years, and still struggle with it. But it's just a lie.

Hi I read your thread..I haven't come across the book before..I will dl an ebook if I can find it..yes you are right.. I keep seeking proof that I'm worth something such that I'm stressed the situation will prove me to be worthless..and I can't find an example which make me feel worthy? What makes a person feel worth?

[sharshar89]

Originally Posted by Self Exploration

Assuming you have discovered sabotage by your self.

Self sabotage does not happen for no reason.
In fact there is always a very good reason.

You ... have a very good reason.

A respectable reason.
A logical reason.

You will have to make friends with the saboteur.

Because it is you.

And you deserve respect.

Especially from your self.

The journey of understanding will unlock yourself.

Be loyal to the part of you that loves.

but if I love the saboteur..I might become a masochist

[sharshar89]

I found that I have a smart way to make myself feel worthless..if I sabotage myself and fail..I will feel worthless..and if I succeed in the end I would have been suffering too much fighting the saboteur that I would consider it luck that I succeed.
What should I do?
Also..in happy life events I have a tendency to make something happen so that I cannot enjoy it or I miss it..

[pianoperformer]

Originally Posted by sharshar89

I read your thread..I haven't come across the book before..I will dl an ebook if I can find it..

I don't think there is an eBook version, but contact me if you want to learn more about it. It's been making great changes in my own life.

Originally Posted by sharshar89

What makes a person feel worth?

I don't know. What makes you feel worthy?

Don't stress about it. Sit right now, go within, and ask yourself how you are worthy.

How about the fact that you have come to these forums asking for help? That seems pretty worthy to me.

How about the fact that you have the courage to look within yourself to fix this problem?

You think of other examples, and let me know if you like, or you may just keep them to yourself.

Originally Posted by sharshar89

I found that I have a smart way to make myself feel worthless..if I sabotage myself and fail..I will feel worthless..and if I succeed in the end I would have been suffering too much fighting the saboteur that I would consider it luck that I succeed.
What should I do?

Do you see how it works? You have this underlying belief that you are worthless. Then, no matter if you fail or succeed, you still feel that you are worthless one way or the other. Do you see how it is shaping your world?

How would you be living if you truly believed that you were worthy? Put your whole self into that idea, and really feel the effects it would have on your life.

[ZephyrusX]

Ha! Easier said than done. But I like it. Do you mind if I lift these words and make it my signature (I'll attribute it to your SN)?

Originally Posted by Self Exploration

Be loyal to the part of you that loves.

[sharshar89]

I hope for more advice from different views so that I can try everything and see which works

[sharshar89]

Originally Posted by pianoperformer

I don't think there is an eBook version, but contact me if you want to learn more about it. It's been making great changes in my own life.



I don't know. What makes you feel worthy?

Don't stress about it. Sit right now, go within, and ask yourself how you are worthy.

How about the fact that you have come to these forums asking for help? That seems pretty worthy to me.

How about the fact that you have the courage to look within yourself to fix this problem?

You think of other examples, and let me know if you like, or you may just keep them to yourself.



Do you see how it works? You have this underlying belief that you are worthless. Then, no matter if you fail or succeed, you still feel that you are worthless one way or the other. Do you see how it is shaping your world?

How would you be living if you truly believed that you were worthy? Put your whole self into that idea, and really feel the effects it would have on your life.

I could only pretend to feel worthy. Why I say pretend is because I fall back to old ways after feeling worthy for like few months. By default I'm worthless.

I'm still wondering how people define their self-worth by? Are there any inputs?

[pianoperformer]

Originally Posted by sharshar89

I could only pretend to feel worthy. Why I say pretend is because I fall back to old ways after feeling worthy for like few months. By default I'm worthless.

I was just asking how you felt when you felt worthy vs. when you felt unworthy? What was the difference?

This isn't about quick fixes.

Originally Posted by sharshar89

I'm still wondering how people define their self-worth by? Are there any inputs?

I don't believe we should base our worth on anything. It all depends what feels good for you. It doesn't feel good for me to base my worth off of anything except for the fact of my own existence, but you may choose otherwise.

[awdye]

I believe our brain looks for any info it can find to validate our thoughts, feelings, and beliefs.

A beginning in changing a belief we have about ourselves is in finding evidence that proves otherwise. To do this, you have to use specific and measurable actions. General abstract thoughts are impossible to either prove or refute, so they keep the emotional reactive hamster wheel of our thoughts in turmoil.

"I'm unworthy" is an abstract thought. Unworthy of what? Based on what rules? According to who? (These are rhetorical questions.)

"I'll be a failure" is not only abstract, but based on an imaginary future. It's an illusion, because it hasn't happened.

Changing thought patterns takes effort, dedication, and a willingness to laugh at the goofy stuff that the brain cooks up. Notice I didn't say that it takes "time". It happens the instant you challenge the current pattern. At that moment, you are changing you thought pattern.

Byron Katie's "The Work", is a great resource. It's simple and free. (Unless you choose to buy one of her books.) Google it. She has lots of videos online. It specifically focuses on challenging thoughts and beliefs.

"The Feeling Good Handbook" by David Burns. Basic cognitive therapy.

"A New Earth" by Eckardt Tolle. Separate who You are from your ego...your "story". Learn to see who You are, rather than the make believe image you try to hang on to.

Steve's blog has articles related to changing your beliefs. Once you recognize it's possible, you will see it's not terribly difficult.

I don't believe you're unworthy or a failure. Nobody can be. We weren't made that way. If that's true, the "poor unworthy me" story you keep repeating to yourself is an illusion made up by your thoughts. You can choose to believe it as long as you want. I'd recommend dropping it. It appears painful.

Ultimately, I don't think it's a matter of unworthiness, but of a lack of self-acceptance. Recognizing and accepting we all have characteristics we don't like to accept goes a long way towards recognizing we're perfectly ok and don't have to believe otherwise.

[sharshar89]

Originally Posted by pianoperformer

I was just asking how you felt when you felt worthy vs. when you felt unworthy? What was the difference?

This isn't about quick fixes.



I don't believe we should base our worth on anything. It all depends what feels good for you. It doesn't feel good for me to base my worth off of anything except for the fact of my own existence, but you may choose otherwise.

You mean that you feel that you are worth it no matter what kind of situation you are in? Like, failing several times..Getting a divorce..Being laid off..All at the same time..Doesn't that sound worthless? This is an example.. I don't know how self-worth can be determined internally..

[awdye]

Originally Posted by sharshar89

You mean that you feel that you are worth it no matter what kind of situation you are in?

The external situation doesn't determine SELF-worth. How you respond to the lessons life presents is more in line with Self.

Originally Posted by sharshar89

Like, failing several times..

Try to do it differently. LEARN what doesn't work. You are no special case here. Everyone falls while learning to walk.

Originally Posted by sharshar89

Getting a divorce..

An opportunity to experience love with another.

Originally Posted by sharshar89

Being laid off..

Look for income elsewhere in your dream job.

Originally Posted by sharshar89

All at the same time..

As opposed to happening a year from each other? Then it might be. This year of my life was this problem. That year of my life was that problem. I'm sure that this year will be another problem.

Originally Posted by sharshar89

Doesn't that sound worthless?

It sounds like change.

Originally Posted by sharshar89

This is an example.. I don't know how self-worth can be determined internally..

SELF - internal. Everything you mentioned as examples is you using outside circumstances to define your value.

[pianoperformer]

Originally Posted by sharshar89

You mean that you feel that you are worth it no matter what kind of situation you are in?

Sure, why not?

Originally Posted by sharshar89

Like, failing several times..Getting a divorce..Being laid off..All at the same time..Doesn't that sound worthless? This is an example.. I don't know how self-worth can be determined internally..

I don't let anyone tell me whether I should love my wife, so I'm not going to allow anyone to tell me whether I should love myself. I love my wife no matter what she does, whether she fails many times, whether we have relationship problems, or whether she gets laid off. i still love her.

Likewise, i still love myself no matter if I fail, get laid off, etc. Why shouldn't I? Can you think of a reason?

What would it feel like for you if your worth was based internally instead of externally?

[sharshar89]

Originally Posted by pianoperformer

Sure, why not?




I don't let anyone tell me whether I should love my wife, so I'm not going to allow anyone to tell me whether I should love myself. I love my wife no matter what she does, whether she fails many times, whether we have relationship problems, or whether she gets laid off. i still love her.

Likewise, i still love myself no matter if I fail, get laid off, etc. Why shouldn't I? Can you think of a reason?

What would it feel like for you if your worth was based internally instead of externally?

Won't you feel extremely upset when those things happen? When I get upset I become afraid of being depressed..then become so paranoid and fearful to avoid more situation which might trigger depression and end up attracting those situations

[Acting Like Godot]

Originally Posted by sharshar89

You mean that you feel that you are worth it no matter what kind of situation you are in? Like, failing several times..Getting a divorce..Being laid off..All at the same time..Doesn't that sound worthless? This is an example.. I don't know how self-worth can be determined internally..

These could be painful events, but should they make you feel worthless.

Plenty of people have had divorces and have been laid off - does that mean that they are worthless?

If your neighbour got divorced and laid off, would you despise him? (i dunno, maybe you might, but I wouldn't). Now if you wouldn't despise your neighbour for such things, why would you despise yourself?

[pianoperformer]

Originally Posted by sharshar89

Won't you feel extremely upset when those things happen?

Why should I? What is, is. My being upset about them won't change them one bit. The only thing I can do is change what I do right now to be happy.

Originally Posted by sharshar89

When I get upset I become afraid of being depressed..then become so paranoid and fearful to avoid more situation which might trigger depression and end up attracting those situations

Yes, exactly: this is what you do when you are afraid of being depressed. Do you see what being afraid of being depressed is doing to you? How would you react and how would you feel if you weren't afraid of being depressed? That doesn't mean you weren't depressed; you might or you might not be. But you wouldn't be afraid of it either way. How would that feel?

[sharshar89]

Originally Posted by Acting Like Godot

These could be painful events, but should they make you feel worthless.

Plenty of people have had divorces and have been laid off - does that mean that they are worthless?

If your neighbour got divorced and laid off, would you despise him? (i dunno, maybe you might, but I wouldn't). Now if you wouldn't despise your neighbour for such things, why would you despise yourself?

My neighbour is unemployed and is a gambler and often has debt collectors chasing for payment. I do not despise him but I admire him. I don't know how he can be so happy everytime I see him..I definitely would not be under such circumstances..

[sharshar89]

Originally Posted by pianoperformer

Why should I? What is, is. My being upset about them won't change them one bit. The only thing I can do is change what I do right now to be happy.



Yes, exactly: this is what you do when you are afraid of being depressed. Do you see what being afraid of being depressed is doing to you? How would you react and how would you feel if you weren't afraid of being depressed? That doesn't mean you weren't depressed; you might or you might not be. But you wouldn't be afraid of it either way. How would that feel?

I would definitely feel better bit how to get to that stage is another thg

[pianoperformer]

Originally Posted by sharshar89

I would definitely feel better bit how to get to that stage is another thg

Recognize the possibility of not being afraid of it. Being afraid will only create resistance within you, which will only put you deeper into that state. When it comes up, recognize that you have a choice. YOu do not have to be afraid.