Angry Over Past Approval Seeking Behavior...

[Dynamist]

When I was 12, I found myself on a compulsive mission to find people, particularly male teens or men online, who would affirm me. There were many men and male teens that I would approach and try to speak with them. I often tried to turn the conversation onto sexual topics and I would try to...get them to release (cybersex) so that they'd compliment me.

Because of the decision I made to heal and move on from my approval seeking behavior, I'm feeling all of the emotions I didn't process and right now I feel a lot of anger towards myself. I'm angry at what I allowed myself to do for mere words and a fleeting, false feeling of validation. Most of these men had no idea that I was under the age of 18. I seldom confessed my age unless they told me that they were under 18. But I met many pedophiles and one of them managed to get so close to me that I didn't even care how old he was. I thought I loved him and my mood became dependent on how he treated me. Until he left.

At the age of 17, I got into a relationship with a guy who was very sweet but we were not compatible. I told myself that if I just "loved him harder", then things would get better. It didn't. Then at 19, I did the same thing. I met a man who had just gotten a divorce and he was a self-proclaimed spiritual guru. I sacrificed myself for him again until he left. Then I met another guy. Another "awake" being. And I sacrificed there as well.

I'm angry at myself because I let these men treat me so poorly. I did this for words??? "You're so smart", "You seem really mature for your age", "I really like you", "You're really nice". I sacrificed my own soul for words.

I'm trying to process. I guess at the end of the day, I'm just really angry and trying to figure out how to heal from it. Maybe I just need to go through the emotions. But I'm so angry at myself right now that I just...I don't know.

[Curious cat]

Maybe rather than overthinking it just let your emotions take you wherever that may be and give it time. Rather than prescribe steps to the process, just let your personal journey unfold naturally. I find when I have unresolved negativity, I just let it happen and 'feel' it to death until I just don't feel so bad about it anymore. I think it helps me get it out of my system rather than avoid it by trying to not think about it.

I feel silly quoting Oprah but she said words to the effect of 'if you know better, you do better', and anoher good one 'you are not your past'. It's a start that you can recognise your behaviour patterns, because change starts with knowing.

I hope you feel better and can be kinder to yourself. Seeking approval from other people does not make you a bad person. It was just a formula that worked for you, reinforced with each new experience that supports that formula.

[Dynamist]

Beautiful said, Curious Cat. In the end I know I'm just gonna have to forgive myself and decide that I won't make the same mistake again. It's just how it goes. you're also right that I may just need to feel the emotion to death. lol I like how you said it...I didn't know better back then. But at least I do now.

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by Dynamist

I sacrificed my own soul for words.

Would it be better if you'd sold yourself at a higher price? You would have been what you were no matter how much you were paid for it. And now you are what you are no matter how little you receive in return. You're not a commodity that can run out of stock; no matter how much of your soul you sell, you'll never have less. You lost nothing, giving from the infinite depths of your spirit. You can't add or subtract from infinity.

So if you're mad because you lost your soul, don't worry; it's still there, and it's just as good as it ever was or was going to be. You were never really damaged in the first place, so there's nothing to heal. The damage is just a creation of your mind, and as soon as it's gone it will be as if it never was. Which is to say, once you recognize that your soul was never damaged and needs no effort to fix, it will be true.