Vent: My Panic Attacks' Trigger!

[Dynamist]

Last year, I met a man on experienceproject who attached to me for whatever reason. I spoke to him first because he claimed to be this "spiritual guru" and I wanted to know more about the topics that he wrote about and spoke about. So I spoke to him. Before I knew it, he was coming onto me. I was 19 at the time and he was 44. He kept speaking to me and hitting on me and I remember trying to resist because I wasn't in the least bit physically attracted to him. But I loved the attention he was showing me. I just really liked the attention so I allowed myself to give in and fall for him.

We use to talk on AIM all the time and I remember that during our conversations he seemed more eager to talk about his ideas than to listen to my own. Anything I said was pulled away from me and judged as mere ego talking. I remember I told him about my empathic ability and he said that it was all ego. That it was ego that feels and nothing else. I explained to him that you could empathize with where someone was coming from without having to wallow in the pit with them and he said that was ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥. That it was all ego. And I so wanted to love him and to grow spiritually that I listened. And so I started trying to detach from my own emotions and connectivity with others.

Then while we spoke he would once again begin on spiritual topics and I'd talk to him about my experience with God. Once again he called that ego ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥. He explained to me that I was God and that there was nothing else. When I tried to share he said that it was all ego that used words. Nothing more. He said that I was not awake and that what he did in life was wake people up so that they could enter the kingdom of heaven. I tried to push back because I felt very imposed on and I said, "Well I disagree" He stated that all 'I' is ego and I said, "I disagree" and he said, "Who says it?!?" And I wanted so badly to be affirmed by him that I asked him, "How then does one enter the kingdom?" And he said, "You dance into the kingdom of heaven.Dance into it" I already did mindfulness meditation but because of the way I allowed myself to be treated by him I started to lose confidence in my own self. He made it so that nothing I said would ever be worth something because if all I spoke was ego then why listen?

So Ibegan to meditate even harder. I remember at this point I started having increased heart palpitations, I was anxious. How could this man who claimed to be spiritually awake and enlightened not see my own growth and potential? How could he not know the God I know exists? And I became increasingly anxious. Around this time, I was also dealing with the impending discomfort of school. I wasn't happy with my outer life. I hated the people, the religion, I hated the friends I had made, I hated all of it. I just felt like such a failure and here was this guy telling me that I needed to "Dance into the kingdom of heaven". He made me feel as though what I felt in my heart to be true, that God loved me unconditionally and that my emotions, intuition and inner wisdom, were all a part of my ego.

One night, after a lot of meditation and trying to "Dance into the kingdom of heaven", the inner gravity became too strong. I was sitting on the computer talking to him and I already felt like I couldn't breathe. I thought maybe it was a seasonal allergy or something. I remember feeling listless, drained, but I kept trying to play like everything was okay. Then all of a sudden my heart just started beating profusely! I remember running out of the room because I thought something I couldn't see was trying to sneak up on me. I was so scared. And when I went back to talk to him, I told him what happened and he ran off of the computer in a heartbeat. He knew what he had done. That his actions were ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ and he got scared and didn't want to be around.

I asked my mom to take me to the ER that night and they diagnosed me as having Heart Palpitations. The next day, while driving to school I remember I felt happy. But I still felt hazy. Then out of nowhere I felt myself screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE SEPARATED!!!!" and I had another panic attack right there on the road. I was shaking so intensely that staying on the road was so difficult. BUt I couldn't pull over. Ihad to get to class to take my exam.

When I went to the doctor again they said it sounded like Anxiety. They offered to prescribe me medications but I denied it. I didn't need it. And I remember when I went home that night, I told him about what happened to me in the car and he said, "Well you know what I think? I think that's ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥." We talked for a while and I asked him one question. I remember I asked, "Will you lose some weight?" And with that he got pissed off and I signed off and never spoke to me again.

I've been having anxiety attacks ever since then. After he left, I started doing all these online searches to try and find people of "like mind" because I just didn't feel like I was good enough. I just didnt affirm my own feelings because he told me that they were all part of the ego. He told me that my intuition was ego based. And after him I met so many others like him. People who said they were God (but were really narcissists and psychopaths) who would stick to me and try to convince me that what I knew in my own heart to be true and what my intuition was telling me was true was simply a part of my own ego. And I kept believing them. They'd place all these labels on me and yet resist a label for themselves. What I didn't understand was that they were projecting onto me their own flaws and weaknesses and when I pushed back, the commentary was that I was simply speaking from my own ego.

But while I know all of this to be true now, mentally I still have this fear that somehow I let them delude me to the point that I've separated myself from the one who loved me unconditionally. Because they lacked eyes that see and ears that hear and hearts that feel. And I keep asking myself why I let my desire for man's approval to be greater to me than God's. When He had already accepted me just as I am. I did all of these things not because I truly wanted to, but because I let the pressure I felt from others decide for me my own direction.

[Merrick1]

Originally Posted by Dynamist

I did all of these things not because I truly wanted to, but because I let the pressure I felt from others decide for me my own direction.

Hello Dynamist,

I feel with you. But you don't have to feel guilty about what happened. We all make mistakes. I believe mindfulness mediation should resolve this trauma, even though it may take some time. You may take it as a valuable experience, even though I understand that it is hard to appreciate it now, while it's still so fresh. Metta (loving kindness meditation) for yourself and for those who have hurt you would also contribute greatly to your healing.

All the best

Merrick

[Dynamist]

Originally Posted by Merrick1

Hello Dynamist,

I feel with you. But you don't have to feel guilty about what happened. We all make mistakes. I believe mindfulness mediation should resolve this trauma, even though it may take some time. You may take it as a valuable experience, even though I understand that it is hard to appreciate it now, while it's still so fresh. Metta (loving kindness meditation) for yourself and for those who have hurt you would also contribute greatly to your healing.

All the best

Merrick

Thank you Merrick for your kind and loving words. While i do forgive them all and I believe they've helped me to strengthen, I know that I have to change my subconscious thought process. I get very tense at night when I'm laying still or being still and it's because of that comment he made about "Dancing into the Kingdom" while on the conscious level I no longer consider this, I'm almost conditioned to enter into a state of anxious meditation when I'm still. Because he encouraged me to "dance" night and day, even when I'm trying to sleep.