Detachment;

[meggarz]

I know this is silly sounding but when I was 18 and got my first puppy I felt this overwhelming love for my dog, she was sort of my 'baby' since I had always wanted one. I know you shouldn't compare the love you had for an animal to a child but I feel I have to, it doesn't feel right, I feel guilty and I'm waiting for this overwhelming love to happen but it's not.

I was seeing this guy for four years, I thought everything was fine till the last year or so, I was told the likelihood of becoming pregnant was slim because of my kidney disease so we never used protection. I became pregnant almost a year ago then shortly after finding out I then find him with another woman. It was a bitter breakup and a hard pregnancy because of my health problems. My daughter is 8 weeks old now and I'm blessed to have had her when I didn't think I would ever conceive, but I feel cheated now as I never had a chance for that "picture perfect" family. I'm so angry at him for bailing on us, he hasn't even held her or has any desire to see his daughter, his first child. The woman he cheated on me with is almost 7 months pregnant from what I've heard, and having a girl, this woman and her daughter will have what I always wanted. I'm jealous and it's hard to enjoy this time with my daughter. I look at her and I'm constantly reminded of him, I'm not sure I have PPD, I don't think I do since I don't have thoughts of harming her.

I just want that bond with her, I felt closer to her while I was pregnant than I do now. I kind of wish I was pregnant with her again so I know she's safe inside me. I don't want to talk to anyone in real life about it, I don't think they'd understand all my fears or how angry I am, I don't want to seem unfit as a parent. I'm not sure why I felt more motherly and love for a pet than I do for my own child, I feel guilty for feeling like this.

[Dynamist]

I know you care about your child and you love her but because you feel so cheated by this man and you have all these emotions inside and wanting so badly to just have that space and time to yourself to heal, your child (whom you love) feels a bit like a burden right now. And you're not alone. It does sound like PPD and maybe it is true that there are family members and friends who won't understand ("How could you feel this way about your own baby?") but you gotta talk to someone about it because holding it in is only going to make it build up.

Is there anyone who can babysit the child for you for a little while you take some time to yourself? Do you have access to a counselor you can talk to about your feelings so that you can get the poison of guilt off your chest? I know you love your child and want to have a deeper connection, but that's going to be harder to do because you're trying to heal. That guy is a real jerk IMO for what he did to you. But you're doing your child a disservice by holding it in. Talk to someone, ANYONE who you've been able to trust in the past so that you can get some help for the sake yourself AND the baby's.

[Clint Cora]

I feel for you but if it's of any comfort to you at all, there have been MANY extremely successful single mothers who ended up raising extremely successful children. Find some groups in your area with other moms in your same situation and there could be comfort in groups here. Plus you will get to share experiences and tips to help each other out. Have some faith as both you and your daughter can still become successful in life without a man.

[Merr]

You've already had some good advice here but speaking from personal experience, I know how hard it is. For different reasons, I ended up finding it hard to bond with my daughter. You might have PPD but I think that what you're experiencing is a normal response to a very difficult situation. I second what Dynamist has said about allowing yourself to heal, allowing yourself to feel however you feel and don't feel afraid or guilty. If it helps, I would suggest something like googling 'I cannot bond with my baby' or 'I feel like a bad mother.' I've done this at low points, not really certain what I'd find, only to discover many, many women have these problems. It's just a shame that we're all so scared that we'll be judged by others, so we don't openly discuss these fears.

I would suggest getting in touch with a pro-mum maternity organisation. If you do a bit of googling, you can find organisations full of women who have had the same problems and so will listen to you without judgement. I feel like your main problem is that you just need someone to talk to but you're so afraid of being judged, that it's something you avoid doing. I understand it. Some people will be more sympathetic than you'd ever expect but if you don't know in advance who is going to be sympathetic, it's a huge risk to take.

Once you feel like you can talk to someone and accept that it's OK to feel this way, it will start to get better. It may not be an instant process but over the coming months and year as your baby reaches her milestones, you'll grow together and so will your bond.

Something else that strikes me which some women may disagree with, but which seems true to me. Lots of women don't actually really have an instant bond with their baby at all. Society expects women to have an instant bond, women feel that they have to have it and when they don't, the pressure becomes too much. Don't be so hard on yourself.

[Ruben Cordeiro]

Originally Posted by meggarz

I kind of wish I was pregnant with her again so I know she's safe inside me.

This statement touched my heart. It's obvious you care about your child, I have no doubt about that.

I think anger is perfectly normal in your situation, you want the BEST for your daughter, you want a perfect environment for her.

From my experience as a son of a divorced couple, I can tell you that I never wished a different setting for my childhood. My mother raised me in the same situation as you, she had to cope with my father's mistakes. You need to focus your energies in yourself and your daughter. It's not the end of the world, you can perfectly accomlish your dreams and raise your daughter with love and comfort.

Don't waste you time with him, try to talk to him for the sake of your daughter, he has the obligation to help with the expenses and be in contact with her.

As Clint Cora said,

there have been MANY extremely successful single mothers who ended up raising extremely successful children

Best of luck, keep us informed.

[ChildOfNone]

My husband died when our child whas 7 months old. I have longed for a "family" from the time I was a child and I had it for only 7 months. When my child was just a toddler I found myself very angry about my situation and his very strong willfulness and in a flash I had this shift, insight, perception (no words quite nail it) that I was profoundly thankful for having my child and that the problems associated with it were just that so I immediately saw that I could shift into being thankful for those very problems because they were part and parcel of having that child I had longed for my entire life.

for the many years since that moment I have returned again and again to be reminded that I am thankful and each and every time I have found true relief from my pain and my feeling of loss at the life long longing for "family".

The work I am doing in I/M, includes gratitude work. In that I acknowledge my own feelings of anger, frustration, resentment and on and on along a long list of negative emotions and I, with great intentional determination, decide to claim an attitude of being greatful about some aspect of the issue. Initially it feels beyond false but I maintain the phrase in my mind until it roots in my heart. This is a very difficult practice to begin. After some practice it not only become easier but it begins to produce real results and it can be life changing.

My resentments and frustrations and other negative emotions during the past 10 years of child rearing are slowing but systematically lifting and resolving. It takes determination but as I work this process astonishingly opportnities open up. I realize that the resentments were a wall keeping out the good that I longed for. Tearing these walls down allows the good to come in in a more perfect way than I had envisioned.

[meggarz]

Thank you for all the replies, it gets easier every day. When she was born it was like a scab reopening when he didn't show up at the hospital, I thought I was okay being a single mother since I had months to prepare but I wasn't. Even posting it here and getting it off my chest has helped, if it doesn't pass I may talk to someone, I'm just too embarrassed to do it now. She really is a precious and beautiful baby, I don't think they'd understand, or pretend they do to make me feel better.