Something Isn't Right

[AidanMatthews216]

Have you ever had the experience of suddenly noticing the feeling of having lost something? Sometimes I'm struck by the sudden thought, "Wait a minute, where did I go?" and I suddenly feel lonely and sick. It's the hardest thing to describe... I used to be my own best friend, a single person able to keep himself company... and now I'm alone with myself? It feels as if so much sarcasm, arrogance, imbalance, and filth has been dumped into me that I can't see anything as it really is... I can only see a world skewed and warped to fit a new character and new ideas.

I have always loved ideas, philosophies, knowledge, and I've sought after them voraciously. But sometimes the search gets so frantic and unfocused that I feel as if I'm losing control of myself. Nothing seems real. It's like being in that fuzzy half-asleep state where fantastic blurs are more convincing than solid images.

I don't have words to describe it, which is I think why it terrifies me. I want badly to know what I've "lost."

Can anybody help me with this?

[Jenny]

I've had periods such as you are describing in my life also. While quite uncomfortable they usually don't last too long. When looking back I can say they tended to happen after really great times in my life; when I was learning, exploring, taking in tons of experiences and ideas.

Then there would be a sudden shift and everything felt just "wrong" and I would feel really raw emotionally - easily upset, angered, etc. These
unhappy times were when I was incorporating all of the new experiences and understandings. Just as suddenly as the "lost" feeling came it would leave and I felt just a bit stronger and wiser.

From reading your post it sounds like you might be experiencing something similar.

[OlderWiser]

Well, this is just my own experience by what you're describing sounds similar to what I've experienced when going through or right before I experience a new stage of spiritual/intellectual/emotional development or awakening or realisation. It's a sort of disorientation, and you start to see things differently (sometimes for the worse, but sometimes for the better), you feel out of sync with yourself, with the world, with a lot of things, etc. Sort of "out of phase" I guess you might say.

I don't know if this is what's happening to you, but if it were happening to me, some sort of growth (emotional, intellectual, spiritual, etc.) is what I'd be expecting. Spiritual growing pains, as it were.

[AidanMatthews216]

Thanks for the responses! What you guys are describing sounds close, and I hope that you are right.

There's another element too, besides the disorientation: I feel like there's something... toxic. It's not just confusing, it's plain disgusting. Maybe a different issue?

[mlc82]

Originally Posted by AidanMatthews216

Thanks for the responses! What you guys are describing sounds close, and I hope that you are right.

There's another element too, besides the disorientation: I feel like there's something... toxic. It's not just confusing, it's plain disgusting. Maybe a different issue?

Maybe you're trying to focus on too much at once? I'm a big history nerd myself and fully understand the idea of feeling overwhelmed when it comes to a love of gaining knowledge...

Also, kind of a dumb question but you haven't made any major switch in your diet lately, have you? When you mentioned "toxic" this was the first thing I thought, I work as a personal trainer and you'd be amazed at the change in people if you can get them off of the usual junk food and eating decently healthy instead. I generally eat very "clean" (as in unprocessed foods, and I eat a LOT of them), and if I slack off for a week and eat too much junk food, my mindset can come crashing down along with my blood sugar.

[AidanMatthews216]

Originally Posted by mlc82

Maybe you're trying to focus on too much at once? I'm a big history nerd myself and fully understand the idea of feeling overwhelmed when it comes to a love of gaining knowledge...

Yes, that's sort of it. More like trying to focus on too many contradictory philosophies at once... I keep thinking "I should do X because wishing won't make it so..." but then suddenly something bounces back: "Wait! But reality is subjective. You should just manifest a different reality." It gives me a headache. But it's deeper than that, of course.

Also, kind of a dumb question but you haven't made any major switch in your diet lately, have you? When you mentioned "toxic" this was the first thing I thought, I work as a personal trainer and you'd be amazed at the change in people if you can get them off of the usual junk food and eating decently healthy instead. I generally eat very "clean" (as in unprocessed foods, and I eat a LOT of them), and if I slack off for a week and eat too much junk food, my mindset can come crashing down along with my blood sugar.

Come to think of it, I have been a vegetarian for several months but recently my diet has been extremely unhealthy, mostly processed foods and a loooot of Dr. Pepper. That could definitely be it. The toxic feeling is in my mind as well as my body... a lot of it is sexual, like there are sick thoughts jammed deep into my brain. Could it be hormones as well?

[AidanMatthews216]

I've read in a few places on this forum the suggestion that you should write a detailed account of where you are, where you want to be, and what strategies you have to get there. Perhaps I should do that. I may even post it to this forum, if it isn't too personal.

Mostly what I need is for my exams and piano concerts to be over!!

[mlc82]

Originally Posted by AidanMatthews216

Yes, that's sort of it. More like trying to focus on too many contradictory philosophies at once... I keep thinking "I should do X because wishing won't make it so..." but then suddenly something bounces back: "Wait! But reality is subjective. You should just manifest a different reality." It gives me a headache. But it's deeper than that, of course.



Come to think of it, I have been a vegetarian for several months but recently my diet has been extremely unhealthy, mostly processed foods and a loooot of Dr. Pepper. That could definitely be it. The toxic feeling is in my mind as well as my body... a lot of it is sexual, like there are sick thoughts jammed deep into my brain. Could it be hormones as well?

I personally pretty much live off of old fashioned oatmeal, brown rice, whole wheat bread, apples/apple juice, oranges/orange juice, fish, eggs, milk, and not enough veggies. Sometimes I'll eat chicken (usually sick of it) and beef (usually would rather spend less money on tuna) but those above are the staples for me. Really about the only "junk food" I ingest anymore is some beer over the weekends, but even then I stick to real (and unfotunately more expensive), preferably dark beer and not the standard preservative loaded, battery-acid tasting americanized "light" beers.

If I start slacking and eating too much (and "too much" isn't much) stuff with either processed sugar or trans fats, I start feeling really ill, rundown, and unmotivated really quickly. I'd imagine the Dr. Pepper could be seriously messing you up if you started drinking a lot and weren't drinking much or any before. Those things are basically just a big candy bar in a can without the extra fat to at least buffer the blood sugar spike a little. Coming off of that and maybe having some coffee or green/black tea in the process to keep from getting nailed by caffeine withdrawal would probably help alot.

I would think that could definitely be messing with your hormones as well, any major diet change can do that!

[AidanMatthews216]

Originally Posted by mlc82

I personally pretty much live off of old fashioned oatmeal, brown rice, whole wheat bread, apples/apple juice, oranges/orange juice, fish, eggs, milk, and not enough veggies. Sometimes I'll eat chicken (usually sick of it) and beef (usually would rather spend less money on tuna) but those above are the staples for me. Really about the only "junk food" I ingest anymore is some beer over the weekends, but even then I stick to real (and unfotunately more expensive), preferably dark beer and not the standard preservative loaded, battery-acid tasting americanized "light" beers.

If I start slacking and eating too much (and "too much" isn't much) stuff with either processed sugar or trans fats, I start feeling really ill, rundown, and unmotivated really quickly. I'd imagine the Dr. Pepper could be seriously messing you up if you started drinking a lot and weren't drinking much or any before. Those things are basically just a big candy bar in a can without the extra fat to at least buffer the blood sugar spike a little. Coming off of that and maybe having some coffee or green/black tea in the process to keep from getting nailed by caffeine withdrawal would probably help alot.

I would think that could definitely be messing with your hormones as well, any major diet change can do that!

Hmm... what can I do to improve my diet in the short-run? I don't have time to cook, and I don't eat any meat (including fish or poultry.) I definitely don't get enough veggies but I'm not sure what I can do to fix that. What can I do that requires not much preparation time but will lessen my junk food intake?

[mlc82]

Originally Posted by AidanMatthews216

Hmm... what can I do to improve my diet in the short-run? I don't have time to cook, and I don't eat any meat (including fish or poultry.) I definitely don't get enough veggies but I'm not sure what I can do to fix that. What can I do that requires not much preparation time but will lessen my junk food intake?

Hmm... without getting into a load of detail the things I would have you print out and aim for every day are:

#1 Keep your water intake optimal- The easiest way to do this if you aren't already is to just go and buy a gallon jug of drinking water that you can refill, take it with you through the day and finish it off by the end of the day (or if you finish it and feel thirsty, by all means have more! It's very difficult to overdo it with water, you'd almost have to be trying to).

#2- Start working to cut out the junk food (99% of the time this constitutes eating fast food out of convenience) by packing and taking a couple of quick "lunches" to have in their place, even something as quick as an apple, handful of nuts, and a scoop of protein powder is much, much better than the average fast food meal! Here's a good article for vegetarian sources of protein, which is usually the hardest part of balancing such a diet: Bodybuilding.com - Kristi Lees - Vegetarian Sources Of Protein & Alternative Foods To Spice Up Your Meals.

Small servings of raw veggies are easy also (for example- just cut up some raw brocolli, add a little olive oil and sea salt for flavor, and stick it in a sandwich bag).

#3- Work on getting rid of the sodas... Like I said, switching to black coffee or tea with a little honey can work wonders here, as the caffeine withdrawal is usually what breaks people, and then you can work on cutting the caffeine entirely next if you want to. Personally, I love coffee to the point of being willing to join a religion based around it, but I know a lot of people want to be caffeine free


Feel free also to drop me a pm with details of your diet, what you're eating, how many times a day, preferably exactly what foods/drinks with exact or as close to exact as possible times for each, and it's pretty easy to overhaul or fine tune as needed. I'm not a Dietician and so can't prescribe anything exact, but have quite a bit of nutrition education geared toward overall health and fitness and help people with nutritional guidance almost daily.

[AidanMatthews216]

Thanks! I'll drop you a PM sometime. In the meantime, got to find some veggies...