Having difficulty making changes

[Yoyo]

I'll try to keep this as concise as I can. I've got to use those English skills somewhere, right?

I fear change, particularly the unknown, a lot. Incidentally, I know many ways in which I can be more optimistic, change negative thought patterns (and beliefs!), and eliminate my fears, but I don't do so because of self-sabotage. Well, I understand myself quite a bit over 2 1/2 years of knowing about personal development, but I'm always anxious to some extent. So, my strategy for facing anxiety is generally avoidance, by avoiding what I fear. It is a very effective short-term solution, but it's something I'd rather not continue doing.

I fear that accepting myself unconditionally, seemingly a prerequisite for true self-esteem, may lead to me revealing secrets that I'd rather not reveal, or that I'd act irrationally. I feel that if I actively attempt to change a belief, a fear, or a way to live, I am changing my identity. This is a puzzle I haven't quite solved in the last few years. I suppose I don't have faith in what the future may hold for me if I make changes and prefer to see the present in a positive way. I'm not sure how to change the leverage (I am aware of Tony Robbins) to this issue since I am honestly terrified about any changes I may take for the better. I am aware of EFT and NLP as well, but it's not that I don't know what to do, I just can't get myself to do it in the first place. It's the emotional aspect (changing beliefs/fears) that I have trouble with.

Please do not give me any sympathy or attack me. I'd really appreciate practical advice.

[dorothy hanna]

Just put them down, and pick up the beliefs you need to accomplish the job.
Beliefs are like tools you have, in a tool box, or tool shed, and these tools are an aid you have, that are meant to help you function in your life. In many different areas of your life.

Example: If you are holding a particular belief, and you are working on an area in your life, and you want certain types of changes, and you find that the belief/tool, you are holding is the wrong one to do the job, than you simply lay it down, and pick up the right belief/tool, to complete the task.

Just as if you are working on a carpentry task, and you see you are holding a screw driver, in your hand. You notice that you need a hammer, instead.
Do you get all fearful, and have a lot of anxiety about it, or avoid anything? No. You just put, the screw driver down, and pick up the hammer.

I know this may seem over-simplified, but the point I'm stressing here is that you don't really need anymore stress about picking up a particular belief, and putting another down, than you would need the stress to pick up a right tool for a task, and putting another down, that is not for such task.

I'm trying to be practicle. Does this help any?

[Democritus]

Yoyo,

Reading your post, it could be me talking. I'm grappling with the same issues myself. One thing that I've identified about myself is that I tend to think very much in terms of black and white. That means that when I feel anxious, or low, I tend to think that only a sudden shift will resolve the situation - bored by your job? Quit your job immediately; feeling lonely? Join 17 new clubs etc. The truth is, this isn't helpful because it puts enormous pressure on an already anxious mind.
It's far more helpful to work in increments - the tiniest, if need be. If you are avoiding something, figure out the very smallest way you could approach it, and do that daily. It's the regularity of tiny incremental steps that provides a lasting solution. In six months you'll look at your life and wonder how it changed so much. Although people talk about the drastic change, it rarely works - in my experience, at least. A stream, over time, creates smooth, deep curves in solid rock. A flood just sweeps everything away.

[Yoyo]

dorothy: I can think of it as being a tool, but the fear doesn't really go away. I can think, but I find it difficult to believe.

Democritus: You're absolutely right. I'm expecting results too quickly. I shall take your advice with the increments.

[Lotus]

Originally Posted by Yoyo

I fear that accepting myself unconditionally, seemingly a prerequisite for true self-esteem, may lead to me revealing secrets that I'd rather not reveal, or that I'd act irrationally.

I've found that the only reason I've ever witheld something, from anyone, was that I feared that person would use it against me. This was all me projecting my feelings on others.

The best thing I ever did for me was to stop having secrets. Want to hear a non-very-secret secret? I'm being published in Clean Sheets this week, and I told my mom about it with pride. I followed up the comment with "and it's an erotica webzine."

~~~

By "act irrationally," what do you mean? "Irresponsibly?"

~~~

One thing that has always been difficult for me -- "accepting myself." If I accept myself as I am, will I stop trying to develop myself? Isn't accepting myself a barrier to PD?

It seems contradictory, but you can be comfortable in who you are by accepting yourself as a dynamic entity. Always you, but trying on differnet clothes. If they don't fit, pitch 'em. The fact that you tried will give you perspective and experience. Keep the ones you like, but remember: if you're going to wear a suit, wear it like you mean it. Sometimes it takes a while before you are comfortable in your new clothes -- comfort comes with familiarily, so give things more time to sink in before you throw them out.

~~~

Originally Posted by Yoyo

I feel that if I actively attempt to change a belief, a fear, or a way to live, I am changing my identity.

That is true, you would be changing your identity. But, I'd like to point out that your identity is constantly changing. You are not the same you that you were 1 minute ago. You now have 1 minute of memory more than that other "you" had. You have 1 whole minute more experience. You are not the same you that you were in kindergarten, no? You are not the you that you were 1 second ago. One picosecond ago. Mull that over for a bit.

~~~

In your current beliefs, you are finding safety and security? And you fear to risk these things by making radical changes in your belief systems? But at the same time, you are fundementally unhappy with your current belief systems... otherwise you would not seek change and PD? Am I following here?

~~~

Originally Posted by Yoyo

It's the emotional aspect (changing beliefs/fears) that I have trouble with.

I don't want to sound like a self-improvement book here, and I suspect that you've heard this before, but here goes: You are not your emotions. There is a fundemental personality there, and that personality is colored in various ways through different emotional states.

I found that when I took up meditation... I mean seriously took it up, not just tried it for two weeks then said, "I'm wasting my time, I can't still my mind' ... I discovered the "me" underneath the emotions. Meditation helps you still the self-dialogue in your head. You know when something happens, and your mind just thinks a thought all by itself? You can stop that. There are many ways, but I've found that meditation, yoga, and martial arts have helped immensely. Try looking into a discipline of the mind, take one up as a hobby, practice it for several months before you ditch it. (If you are going to wear a suit, wear it like you mean it.)

Emotions are a wind flying over a pond; the wind ripples the top of the water, but the pond is still a pond.

~~~

These are all just friendly suggestions and musings. If you think any of them are useless, pitch 'em. Mostly, I want to help you open up to yourself, and "explaining yourself" in type can really force you to sit down and analyze your emotions, thoughts, beliefs, etc... so that you can see further inside your own head. Even if you don't feel comfy posting your responses, be sure you actually write them out as if you were going to post them. I'll sit on anyone who judges you or gets mean. (I don't think anyone is going to be mean.)

[JeffS]

Originally Posted by Lotus

I've found that the only reason I've ever witheld something, from anyone, was that I feared that person would use it against me. This was all me projecting my feelings on others.

Thanks, Lotus...that's really well put, and really hits home. I'm afraid I didn't focus very well on the rest of your message because I'm still thinking about the first sentence .

[demk]

I had a break through today after reading Steve's recent blog post on responsibility which could be exactly what you are going through.

Recently I have become aware of the resistance your ego presents you with. It has a vested interest in everything staying exaclty the same because it feeds off your situation. Your current situation is very pleasing to your ego even though you may be dissatisfied. Even your dissatisfaction is pleasing to the ego in some way.

Anyway, I have been trying to get myself to really look at my beliefs and I encountered a lot of resistance in the form of procrastination, excuses and mood swings. I realisied that the excuses were actually irrational because they didnt even involve the of myriad reasons why I shouldnt do something. It is like my mind just latched onto certain excuses because it knew that when I thought about that I would behave in a certain way which maintained my current life. Out of all the possible excuses my ego would always present me with the ones that worked for its aims, the ones it new would get it what it wanted.

After reading Steve's post I asked myself some questions in my journal like what does success hold for me, why might i be scared of my full potential and why might i fear responsibility. The answers were the same old excuses that my mind always uses. Then I asked myself, what would happen if you got over all the ego excuses, started to realize how capable you are, you were able to do exaclty what you love, left your past behind and lived to your highest potential? The answers were suprisig and rang very true...

I realised that I simply didnt trust myself with any sort of responsibility. I felt like I would mess things up and possibly even harm others if I had the means. Not in a malicious way of course but I felt like I was too careless to have any power or money or whatever. When I was young someone used to say to me "if you had brains you'd be dangerous" whenever I did something wrong. This sums it up exaclty. I feel like if I have brains (read money/power/influence) I would be dangerous or irresponsible.

This is irrational of course because I am in fact a responsible and well intending person. My next course of action is to change these beliefs with questions that prove the opposite is true. This works well for me. I will be asking myself questions like why am I responsible, why am I capable of handling a situation involving money and power etc. This works because your mind starts generating answers. I generally write them down too, about ten or so for each answer. Do this often enough and you will change your beliefs and naturally behave differently (it is like magic how your reality changes when you change).

Hope this helps.

[ReallyGoodIdeas]

Originally Posted by Yoyo

I am aware of EFT and NLP as well, but it's not that I don't know what to do, I just can't get myself to do it in the first place. It's the emotional aspect (changing beliefs/fears) that I have trouble with.

Speaking as an EFT practitioner, I sometimes forget to use it, and for some things I have chosen not to use it yet (giving up coffee for example, I'd *sort of* love to) because I'm not ready.

However you've now written this stuff down. So its not so much that you don't want to use EFT per se, it strikes me that you haven't wanted to face the process of change.

Can I suggest EFT - butvery gently. I would suggest that you start with a shortcut round on "Even though I'm scared to change things, (or just "scared to do this"), I love and accept myself completely." If you still feel some fear keep tapping til its gone.

If you feel Ok after that, then take what you wrote there, and read it back to yourself while tapping the shortcut points - eyebrow points, under eye, under nose, chin, collarbone, under arm, top of head. Just read each sentence while tapping.
After each sentence, take a deep breathe and see if any thoughts come to the surface. You may get insight as to what to tap on next, or why you feel that way. If you get any emotional intensity, stop reading and just keep tapping til it subsides. If thoughts DO pop up, write them down and move on. Next sentence, same thing. You will be freed of the fear by doing that. If you can just get started in even the smallest way, you will move mountains. You can consult my beginners guide for the points and a (more general) process to follow.

[RedPanda]

Originally Posted by Yoyo

I fear change, particularly the unknown, a lot.

I was very like this. What changed it for me was reading about Buddhism (Zen, in my case). It helped me to the realisation that change is the one constant in our lives. Once I'd realised that I couldn't prevent change and therefore didn't need to try, I felt a lot happier.
If you see a change you don't like coming up, keep in mind that it too will change in it's turn.

[ChampionsChoice]

Originally Posted by Yoyo

I fear that accepting myself unconditionally, seemingly a prerequisite for true self-esteem, may lead to me revealing secrets that I'd rather not reveal, or that I'd act irrationally. I feel that if I actively attempt to change a belief, a fear, or a way to live, I am changing my identity. This is a puzzle I haven't quite solved in the last few years. I suppose I don't have faith in what the future may hold for me if I make changes and prefer to see the present in a positive way.

That was an interesting post. Thank you for asking the questions you did. I am glad to see that you have begun to take responsability for you life by learning more about yourself.

As my understanding has it, it is very difficult to go through like with "secrets" because they tend to block the flow of energy. To me they are something like a heavy weight. Now, Im not necessarily encouraging you to go and tell them to the world, but I will encourauge you to practice "loving and accepting yourself fully, being willing to forgive, and let go..." This will free up alot of energy that may have began to stagnate, depending on how much those "secrets" weigh you down.

Next, changing your beliefs or going through your fears will DEFINATLEY change your experience of yourself. Please keep in mind that NOTHING will be able to change your true identity, only your experience of it.

As I understand it, you have a CHANGELESS core at your center...one the is overflowing with love well being. It is only by our choices that we block this wellbeing from flowing and being experienced, or practice allowing it to flow freely.

I am still a young one-24, so feel free to call me naive, but it appears to me that the Universe is a very loving and gentle one if we become open to the possibility of it being so. This love is the only thing known by me to dissolve fears about life or what the future holds.Do you know you can practice feeling this "love" inside you and all around you--EVEN IF ITS NOT THERE!

So to wrap up, I encourage you to practice reminding yourself of this, and feeling this love. In time, you will begin to notice positive changes. The entire world will begin to arrange itself to your way of seeing it!


muchluvealldittime