Preoccupation with how others perceive me

[LassieLove]

I need tips on how to be much less preoccupied with how others perceive me. I know how silly it is to care so much about other people's opinions... How can I train myself to care less about them?

[Orator]

Originally Posted by LassieLove

I need tips on how to be much less preoccupied with how others perceive me. I know how silly it is to care so much about other people's opinions... How can I train myself to care less about them?

This is one of the worst preoccupations in life most people are in. This is what stresses out in life. We want to be perfect thinking that everything we do is perfect and people find nothing to comment only. This is an illusion. We generally think that others are better and they may be critical of our behaviors, our fashions or wearings, of our knowledge, of our manners and mores. This is nonsense. Can you say anybody is perfect. Everybody's life is full of flaws and slip-ups and they will not jeer at your particular demeanor since they are not sure of theirs.

[LassieLove]

Originally Posted by Orator

This is one of the worst preoccupations in life most people are in. This is what stresses out in life. We want to be perfect thinking that everything we do is perfect and people find nothing to comment only. This is an illusion. We generally think that others are better and they may be critical of our behaviors, our fashions or wearings, of our knowledge, of our manners and mores. This is nonsense. Can you say anybody is perfect. Everybody's life is full of flaws and slip-ups and they will not jeer at your particular demeanor since they are not sure of theirs.

Thank you for the reply, Orator. I know it's stupid and it stresses me out. :/ But I don't know how to "get out of it".

I've started meditating my own death and sometimes that makes me care less about what other people think. But then I have these horrible shame flashbacks when I remember something that I have done that may make someone think less of me and can't help but feel shattered and horrible. Thinking about these things really consumes my energy far too much.

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by LassieLove

I need tips on how to be much less preoccupied with how others perceive me.

Your goal is to become less preoccupied. Instead, you've become more preoccupied, because you've become concerned over how concerned you are about other people. Doubling your concern only worsens your condition.

It's counterintuitive, but you must instead become unconcerned with your preoccupations. When you notice yourself becoming preoccupied, just let it be. Then, when you notice yourself becoming concerned over being preoccupied, just let that be as well. You may even become preoccupied about being preoccupied about being preoccupied, but no matter how many times it happens, just let it happen. Don't try to do anything about it. Eventually, your lack of concern will become real, and you'll find that you no longer notice what you stopped trying to fix.

[Clint Cora]

This topic was actually covered in a management seminar I took many years ago as part of a corporate program. It involved taking each case where there were other people having some type of opinion or even saying something to you. Before you react, the first thing you do is ask yourself;

"How important is this person's opinion to me and my success?"

If the answer is 'not very important', then it is much easier to not waste anymore emotional energy on this person's opinion. It will be just like some total stranger off the street saying something really stupid to you --- who care's?

This is a good way to manage how you react to other people's opinions of you. Of course, there are certain circumstances where you should care about what the other person thinks of you, ie, your boss. Then in these cases, it is warranted and you better take that person's opinions seriously!

Hope this helps.

[BillyTheAdult]

Just decide that it is okay for some people not to like you.

Honestly some people don't like much of anything, or will talk about anything that anyone does, just because.

[pianoperformer]

What do you believe it means about you if people think less of you?

[LassieLove]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

Your goal is to become less preoccupied. Instead, you've become more preoccupied, because you've become concerned over how concerned you are about other people. Doubling your concern only worsens your condition.

It's counterintuitive, but you must instead become unconcerned with your preoccupations. When you notice yourself becoming preoccupied, just let it be. Then, when you notice yourself becoming concerned over being preoccupied, just let that be as well. You may even become preoccupied about being preoccupied about being preoccupied, but no matter how many times it happens, just let it happen. Don't try to do anything about it. Eventually, your lack of concern will become real, and you'll find that you no longer notice what you stopped trying to fix.

Hmm this sounds reasonable. I'll try it, thanks

[Orator]

Our preoccupations or concerns overly about what others think is really one of the appalling fears most of us suffer in society. In fact most of what we do is driven by the need to satisfy or envy others rather than satisfying ourselves. If you earn a living to a certain extent, to the extent of fulfilling your basic needs there are no external factors driving you but if you greedily keep on amassing wealth this is an external impulse that is making you more and more miserable. One of the reasons why society in today's world is sick is they have unnecessary concerns over what others think

[LassieLove]

Originally Posted by Clint Cora

This topic was actually covered in a management seminar I took many years ago as part of a corporate program. It involved taking each case where there were other people having some type of opinion or even saying something to you. Before you react, the first thing you do is ask yourself;

"How important is this person's opinion to me and my success?"

If the answer is 'not very important', then it is much easier to not waste anymore emotional energy on this person's opinion. It will be just like some total stranger off the street saying something really stupid to you --- who care's?

This is a good way to manage how you react to other people's opinions of you. Of course, there are certain circumstances where you should care about what the other person thinks of you, ie, your boss. Then in these cases, it is warranted and you better take that person's opinions seriously!

Hope this helps.

Originally Posted by BillyTheAdult

Just decide that it is okay for some people not to like you.

Honestly some people don't like much of anything, or will talk about anything that anyone does, just because.

Thanks for these pieces of advice, as well.

Originally Posted by pianoperformer

What do you believe it means about you if people think less of you?

Hmm... Now that I think of it, it makes me feel like I'm not good enough and not loveable. It's silly but that's how it makes me feel.

[Clint Cora]

Originally Posted by LassieLove

Hmm... Now that I think of it, it makes me feel like I'm not good enough and not loveable. It's silly but that's how it makes me feel.

Again, reframe things and ask yourself, how important are these people's opinions?

[awdye]

I usually think or say, "It's none of my business what you think about me."

Actually saying it to the person who's telling you their thoughts is pretty powerful. I'd only verbalize it when confronting someone who's opinions are normally negative and condescending.

[Self Exploration]

One has to keep in mind that what comes across as hurtful, is in fact something that resonates as apposed to something that is not noticed. It is a reflection of what is in the self.

So when we hurt because of what someone said, it is because a part of our self wants to wake us up. That part of our self is using this person to wake us up.

We have a choice of paying attention to that part of our self or to ignore or to fight it.

In the end, the battle is within but it looks like it is from the outside.

One way or the other, some anger will have to be expressed.

The question is, does it have to be at the person that has said the hurtful thing or does one process it elsewhere.

And that "elsewhere" is the gift of successful self discovery that may take a long time.

[nothuman]

Self Acceptance. Embrace yourself with all of your mind perceived flaws and values. Do this and the exterior world will fall into step.

[pinky3]

Originally Posted by LassieLove

I need tips on how to be much less preoccupied with how others perceive me. I know how silly it is to care so much about other people's opinions... How can I train myself to care less about them?

I'm in the same boat. Over the last few years I became a bit less worried.

What I did was: I was preoccupied with what others thought about my appearance. So sometimes I purposefully wear something I don't like... knowing that people will probably not like it either. That made me feel way more relaxed... the pressure's removed.

With some people I get the idea they think my joking around's really annoying. So I just stop interacting with them as much and found people who did think I was funny... rather than trying to change something I really like about myself.

Don't know what sort of things worry you? Anything similar?

[Clint Cora]

I think this type of issue is more common out there than some would think. I shot a video on this topic as a result of this particular thread as a result since I hope it will help some good folks out there. I plan to release it next week.

[Arz Sra]

Originally Posted by LassieLove

I need tips on how to be much less preoccupied with how others perceive me. I know how silly it is to care so much about other people's opinions... How can I train myself to care less about them?

Just Listen carefully.

Just try to see what the real problem is.

Is it the idea of what other people think?

Or is it the fear of the idea of what people think?

What actually makes you uneasy and conforming is not the idea itself but the fear attached to the idea. It would be really a rare discovery to find a human who does not think how others perceive him. Its just that some us cannot resist being sucked into conformation to others. To think of others thinking of you is as natural as breathing itself. What is not so natural is developing a fear out of it.

If you can release the fear itself the idea will no longer be a problem. The idea will be there but you won't get controlled by it.

Just do this. When you are in a situation where you see a lot of eyes staring at you ( or you imagine so) just try to feel the uneasiness. What this uneasiness actually is is a form of fear. next time when this happens , do not try to resist in any way. No verbalizing, no explaining , no physical conformation (adjustment) to the uneasiness. Just bear the whole uneasiness. Go fully into this fear. Do not alienate it. Own it. Feel it intensely. Let it rise. be one with it. let it grow and possess you. If you can just do this without any comforting idea whatsoever ( which is a way to escape) you will see the fear dissolve.

The Idea still remains. You still think of what others think of you but you no longer feel compelled by it Because it it was not the idea but the fear that was compelling. Your conformation to others was just an escape from the fear ( pain of it ) itself. Once you embrace it , you are free. There are no shortcuts here.

The idea still remains with its functional value but not as a stick over your head.

We as humans cannot operate but as reference to our surroundings. You cannot throw this idea away . Its not possible. It will still be there because it is essential part of being a human . Just the compelling force would not be there. The idea becomes a guide instead of a burden.

Just own the feeling of fear. Don't run away. Don't seek answer but become one with the problem. The problem dissolves like it was never there. I know its not as easy as said but There are no shortcuts to this. Embrace the fear - the real Issue and not just swap ideas .

[LassieLove]

Originally Posted by Clint Cora

I think this type of issue is more common out there than some would think. I shot a video on this topic as a result of this particular thread as a result since I hope it will help some good folks out there. I plan to release it next week.

Wow, thanks Will it be available somewhere online? Looking forward to seeing it.

[LassieLove]

Arz Sra, your advice seems very wise. I will try that in meditation.

[Clint Cora]

Originally Posted by LassieLove

Wow, thanks Will it be available somewhere online? Looking forward to seeing it.

Probably late in the week. I'll announce it here on this thread.

[Clint Cora]

Okay, as promised, here's the new video on how to manage how others think of you. Hope it helps.

[Perry M]

OK but what about when you really DO care about what someone thinks especially if it's someone close to you or someone you want to be close to?

[Clint Cora]

Originally Posted by Perry M

OK but what about when you really DO care about what someone thinks especially if it's someone close to you or someone you want to be close to?

Like I mentioned in my blog post, there are opinions that should matter if the other person is your significant other, boss, teacher, important client, etc. Then you treat the opinion as a learning tool to help you in your success or whatever you value through that other person. This should be a no-brainer especially with somebody like a key customer. If pays to care about what key customers say, especially if you want to keep them as key customers. It just shows that you care.

[awdye]

Originally Posted by Perry M

OK but what about when you really DO care about what someone thinks especially if it's someone close to you or someone you want to be close to?

In the case of caring about what another thinks of you, recognize that desire does not originate in you, but in the person that desires you.

Do we modify ourselves to meet their desires so they will like us? If so, the meeting of that desire is not authentic. How much work needs to be done to keep up that mask? How much fear are we willing to live with that the mask might slip and reveal something we don't accept in ourselves?

I think the line is drawn when we are trying to get something in return, as with boss, teacher, client, etc. In most cases, we're selling something and are negotiating a contract.

[LassieLove]

Thanks for the vid, Clint Cora!

The problem is... I feel like I would actually be more succesful if I cared less about other people's opinions, even when the people in question are those whose opinions do matter.

The problem is... I feel like I should suck up to other people in order to be accepted. Like I should agree with them and be this extremely "positive" person who's interested in, excited about and approving of everything that other people say or do. But then, I feel like I cannot and don't want to be this extremely positive person who sucks up to others. In conclusion, I express my opinions (even disagreeing ones) and I withdraw from social situations, expecting that other people dislike me now that I have stated my true opinions. And then I'm preoccupied with thoughts about other people (probably) "disliking" me.

And then, sometimes, I try to become less "critical" (because I wish I could be accepted) and at those times I might even say things that contradict my own thoughts and conclusions. This, in turn, makes me feel bad about not being truthful, and it makes me feel like other people probably respect me even less because they can see right through me and know I'm just sucking up or they may remember that I have previously said something contradictory and this might make me come off as undependable.

I know it sounds complicated and possibly irrational but this is how I function.

And the people I'm talking about are primarily acquaintances, like people in the same school, taking the same courses as I, etc.

I have a feeling that life would be easier if I learned to care less about other people's opinions. I also believe this would make other people respect me more, but if not, at least it would make me happier. After all, the point in this is not to make other people respect me, but to gain better self-confidence and feel better about myself.

[awdye]

There is a time and place for "emotional labor", as Clint points to.

Emotional labor - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

I've gone through a lot of my life trying to change my appearance to meet the desires of others. If you wear a mask long enough, you can forget what's under it. Or maybe worse, be afraid of taking it off. Eventually, you lose sight of the dreams and passions that charged you with excitement as a child.

Is their opinion important enough to you that you would possibly change the course of your life in order that they feel better in your presence?

Ultimately, it's your life to live as you choose. Whether it be on stage for the entertainment of others, expressing your thoughts/feelings/dreams honestly, or some combination.

In the case of friends and lovers, being able to express yourself authentically is required for honest intimacy. Wear the mask long enough, and that becomes more and more difficult.

To be able to find out who is a potential friend requires risk in revealing the person under the projected self-image. I've found the rewards to far exceed the risk. I believe you will too.

[Clint Cora]

Originally Posted by LassieLove

Thanks for the vid, Clint Cora!

The problem is... I feel like I would actually be more succesful if I cared less about other people's opinions, even when the people in question are those whose opinions do matter.

I understand your point but in reality, 'sucking up' or always agreeing has a huge downside that you might not be aware of. We see this in the working world a lot. We call these people who always agree (no matter how stupid the thing they are agreeing on), 'yes-men' or 'yes-women'. Pretty soon, everyone at work, including the management, will know that a person is a 'yes-man' or 'yes-woman'.

Although such individuals might seem accommodating (and thus your initial rational for being accepted), these individuals are also seen as people who do not have creative opinions of their own and therefore are not considered to be high potential employees.

I know that you are still in school but I hope you can still see the logic in the above work situation I described.

In your case, I think you just haven't learned to communicate in a way that you can still express your differences without being disrespectful to others who might not share your same views. This is an area called diplomacy

If we as people did not develop diplomacy skills, (and many still have not), then people from different cultures, religions, etc., would not be able to co-exist.

Tactful people can still express their own beliefs without disrespecting the beliefs of others. This is why I personally have friends of many different religions even though they are aware that I don't have the same religious beliefs as they do.

In the sales world, there's the saying that the customer is always right so that sales people always agree with the customer - which is similar to the stance you have taken since you don't want to upset the customer.

But the real top sales professionals know that customers are in fact NOT always right. But they have skillful ways of helping customers realize that they are not right and will show them better solutions.

For example, I look awful in brown. I didn't realize this before as I always thought that I should have at least one brown suit. Then a good clothing sales person tactfully disagreed with me without making me feel bad. He explained my colours and showed me how I looked in blues and browns side by side. He was able to convince me that I indeed look much better in a blue suit. So in the end, I actually had more respect for him than if he just simply agreed that I should stick with brown.

So it's a communication skill that you just have to learn. Realize that being a 'yes-woman' in your case does NOT always gain you the best positions to be in life. Instead, diplomatic skills which enable you to retain your views so that you still feel good about yourself AND still win the respect of others who do not share your views is something valuable to learn.

The best thing I can suggest is to find people around you who you think is pretty good at such skills. Then learn from them.

Hope this helps.