my last few thoughts

[Artelus]

I tried to kill myself several times this week. I'm stuck in an terribly dependent situation where there is only one person who can make me feel better whenever I fall into a depression. It is getting to the point where it is making her depressed as well, and she wants me to stop.

I wrote several journal pages after talking to her. She says I must not fall in a hole again, or else it would possibly end our friendship, and neither of us want that.

I need to take better care of myself. If I fall in this hole again it will hurt those who care about me. They won't be able to talk to me. It is not good to want someone else to drag me out of a hole. I need to do it myself. People fall into many holes during their lifetime. They have to drag themselves out. If I cannot I need to start seeing counseling again, rather than rely on things I can't control to get me out of a hole. If I rely on other people, it will be abusive towards them.

I want to:
Think more positive thoughts (Affirmations / medication?)
Be less needy (Self-based support system)
Be more secure
Be more self disciplined

How they relate to each other:

my two obstacles:
Anxiety and fear------------Both------------Transition to independence
Think more positive-----Be less needy------------Develop self discipline
----------------------Be more secure---------------------------------

Moslow's Hierarchy of needs:

Psychological: I need to drink more water and sleep more. I have been avoiding those and it has been making me sick and feeling worse.
Safety: I need to develop more self discipline, study, and learn to control my anxiety.
Love/Belonging: I need to appreciate my friendships and family, and also recognize them. I need to work on feeling belonged because I do not feel like I belong.
Esteem: I need to see myself in a brighter light. I need to rise above shame. I need to learn how to get myself out of holes (depression).
Self actualization: I need to go with the flow and stop fighting. I need to learn to accept things. I need to stop hating people and circumstances.

When I fall in holes, it is nearly impossible to get out of them. I feel like my perspective must be changed externally.
general advice for me would be to listen to music, read, watch, or listen to inspiring things. But I usually find a way to see those in a negative light:

If I listen to my favorite songs, it makes me feel sad: I feel numb in response to inspiring things, or things that should trigger positive emotion.
I feel convinced, when I am in this state, that happiness is a delusion. Healthy perspectives are shattered. I will be skeptical to anything that may help.

[VinceG]

You could get a nice cute puppy like in your avatar. No reason to do it all alone! My sister has a Maltese, they're really cool animals. Maybe instead of letting other people take care of you, you could take care of something.

[Perspective]

Originally Posted by VinceG

You could get a nice cute puppy like in your avatar. No reason to do it all alone! My sister has a Maltese, they're really cool animals. Maybe instead of letting other people take care of you, you could take care of something.

Artelus,
Vince gave a good idea... Somehow, reach out (volunteer - go visit elderly or those who are sick in hospitals... )

Also... learn to get your self-esteem from your self.
You're not the only one who struggles this way.
Commercials try to give people the false sense of feeling better about themselves via external means.
When you do something good, even little things, acknowledge it. When you fail, try again & think of times you've succeeded. Start a gratitude journal or pray/meditate on what you're grateful for.

I hope you feel better soon.
Please don't think dying is the answer.
If it's emotional pain that is causing suicidal thoughts, realize they are thoughts... only one possible perspective out of many. All you need to do is change your thoughts/perspective & everything seems to change!

[ZephyrusX]

If you are suicidal and/or very depressed, you may want to consider contacting a crisis helpline or a trained therapist. I don't mean to say that in order to dismiss you. I just think a trained professional would be better equipped to understand your situation and to help you.

If you want to talk though, that is cool too. What could we do to help you? Do you want someone to listen to you while you process your thoughts? Do you want some form of advise? Would you find it helpful for us to share our own experiences with suicidal thoughts and depression?

[James81]

I've been in that loop of depression, and if there's one thing that I've learned it's that the depression is CAUSED by those thoughts that says "I need to be ___" and the blank is something other than what you are right now.

Depression is a tricky animal. It will tell you that the CURE to depression is to grow into something else (i.e. be less needy, make more friends, or make more money, etc.) and all the while you are thinking you can't be *cured* or get over your depression until you are those things. Whereas the TRUTH is that it's those thoughts that are CAUSING the depression.

Depression is cured when you become comfortable with the person you are RIGHT NOW (flaws and all) and accept that whoever you are at any moment is exactly who you are supposed to be. The cure for depression isn't a better or a different life. Depression is your body's signal that you aren't accepting your life, your thoughts, etc. for what/who they are right now.

I wrote a pretty in-depth article about depression that you might find helpful:

How to Beat Depression - The Power of HowRedefining How To...

There's lots of different elements that come with depression. And it really is a matter of learning how to live your life in a completely new way. There's not magic bullet. There's only a journey, and that journey begins with the first step.

Which is where you are right now. That first step is a DECISION. The decision that you want to get better, that you want to move beyond this depression, and that you want to find happiness. Essentially, you decide that you have a reason to live and that you have a reason to get better. Once you make that decision, then you start on that journey. And that journey may take as much as 5 years or more to finish, but it all hinges on a single decision.

Are you ready to make that decision? it's the one thing you can do TODAY...decide that you want to find happiness, even if it takes you YEARS to do so.

[Affinity]

Natural growth thoughts.

Remember, Rome does not built in one day. It take time.

[Artelus]

None of these posts help. I am so tired. It used to feel like people on this forum were good a few years ago. Now it seems to be full of pseudo intellectuals giving me contradictory advice to get me stuck in a loop. OH TRY NLP. DRINK NOTHING BUT RAW JUICE. TAP YOUR <3<3<3<3ING HAND. WHY DONT YOU TRY THAT STUPID OLD BAT LEFKOE'S METHOD. WHY DONT YOU MEDITATE OR THINK ABOUT NOTHING. one quick-fix solution that doesn't work after another.

I really am tired. I feel so much grief today. I am so sick of grieving. I am tired of my life. It makes me so ashamed that my parents love me as much as they do. I checked my bank account today and my dad deposited another $1000 in it, for no reason. I talked to them on the phone and he told him he loved me and was proud of me. I don't know why I am feeling this way. They are not emotional people. They never show any emotion, ever.

I can't do anything right now. I am failing all my classes. my parents are poor and depend on me. I can't fail or lose my scholarship. I can't see anybody. I don't have anybody to talk to. I just lost the most important friendship in my life. I don't have anything left to lose really.

I can't see anyone right now. There's nobody for me to see. I don't think i can conquer my mind.

[Criseyde]

Originally Posted by Artelus

None of these posts help. I am so tired. It used to feel like people on this forum were good a few years ago. Now it seems to be full of pseudo intellectuals giving me contradictory advice to get me stuck in a loop. OH TRY NLP. DRINK RAW JUICE. TAP YOUR <3<3<3<3ING HAND. WHY DONT YOU TRY THAT STUPID OLD BAT LEFKOE'S METHOD

I really am tired. I feel so much grief today. I am tired of my life. It makes me so ashamed that my parents love me as much as they do. I checked my bank account today and my dad deposited another $1000 in it, for no reason. I talked to them on the phone and he told him he loved me and was proud of me. I don't know why I am feeling this way. They are not emotional people. They never show any emotion, ever.

I can't do anything right now. I am failing all my classes. my parents are poor and depend on me. I can't fail or lose my scholarship. I can't see anybody. I don't have anybody to talk to. I just lost the most important friendship in my life. I don't have anything left to lose really.

I can't see anyone right now. There's nobody for me to see. I don't think i can conquer my mind.

Hi Artelus, I'm sorry you're feeling this way (I know that sounds like a platitude, but I say this with all sincerity).

Unfortunately, we're not professionals here, and it sounds like you could really use the help of a professional. If you're feeling like ending it, there are crisis counselors who can help you at no charge: the number in the US is 1-800-273-8255.

Or, if that feels too impersonal, you can probably go to the health center at your university. There should be counselors there who can help.

Hugs.

[Artelus]

HELP.

I am simply out of coping techniques. I don't want to see a professional, or a crisis counselor, or call a hotline. I have tried all that.

I am out of ways to cope. I don't want to talk to people or vent anymore. Venting feels terrible because I am complaining to someone. I am tired of SEARCHING for a hobby. I am tired of SEARCHING for a life purpose. I am tired of VOLUNTEERING. I am tired of PLAYING VIDEO GAMES. I am tired of it all. I don't know what else to do. I cannot read one more SELF HELP BOOK. I cannot listen to one more SEMINAR. I can't tap or visualize or meditate or do any of that anymore.

I don't know what I want. I'm just dissatisfied. I'm tired of trying medication after medication and hoping it will work. I'm tired of looking to the future. I'm tired of FOCUSING ON THE PRESENT. I'm so tired of it all. I don't know what else to do.

[Artelus]

i'm having crisis after crisis. at first it used to happen once every month, and now it's happening more than once every week. i can't do this anymore.

[Criseyde]

What do you want to do?

[Artelus]

I don't know. i've just been feeling a lot of pain and I don't know what I want to do

[James81]

Originally Posted by Artelus

HELP.

I am simply out of coping techniques. I don't want to see a professional, or a crisis counselor, or call a hotline. I have tried all that.

I am out of ways to cope. I don't want to talk to people or vent anymore. Venting feels terrible because I am complaining to someone. I am tired of SEARCHING for a hobby. I am tired of SEARCHING for a life purpose. I am tired of VOLUNTEERING. I am tired of PLAYING VIDEO GAMES. I am tired of it all. I don't know what else to do. I cannot read one more SELF HELP BOOK. I cannot listen to one more SEMINAR. I can't tap or visualize or meditate or do any of that anymore.

I don't know what I want. I'm just dissatisfied. I'm tired of trying medication after medication and hoping it will work. I'm tired of looking to the future. I'm tired of FOCUSING ON THE PRESENT. I'm so tired of it all. I don't know what else to do.

This reminds me of how I'd feel in the middle of a panic attack...something I wasn't aware I had until way beyond reaching the end of my rope. I think you have an overactive mind like me, and you exhaust yourself trying to cope with it or shut it off. Video games are great for that until it's time to stop pmaying and do something else.

The techniques you have tried are not working because most techniques do not take anxiety into account. Just being aware that this panicky feeling you have right now is temporary and fleeting. That is, it gas a beginning and amend. You fo not persistently feel this way. And that's hugely helpful for future attacks because while it's happening you can be aware that it will end.

Bottom line, and I'll be blunt: nobody is coming to save you. Nobody is coming to help you. And when you most need it, you'll most likely have to conjure it for yourself. Accept that truth and know that you are capable of saving yourself.

[Acting Like Godot]

Originally Posted by Artelus

I can't do anything right now. I am failing all my classes. my parents are poor and depend on me. I can't fail or lose my scholarship. I can't see anybody. I don't have anybody to talk to. I just lost the most important friendship in my life. I don't have anything left to lose really.

It sounds as if you have two main problems:

(1) You are not coping well with your studies.
(2) You are lonely.

Have you checked with your school / college, about whether it is possible to take some time out? Eg skip a semester and do it later; take other subjects to make up, later. You will graduate later but it may well be that you just need to take a break.

Many colleges do allow students to do things like that. Students may want to take a break for a variety of different reasons.

[rawxstasy]

Artelus it took me THREE Years to beat depression and suicidal thoughts. You just have to take it one day at a time. I know it is tiring to feel sad all the time and feel like life isn't worth living.

The only thing that stopped me from attempting to commit suicide is I once worked in a home for young people who had made failed attempts at suicide. The people were alive but in much worse state than before. One guy was paralyzed from the neck down. Another girl had ruined her kidneys, had to use a catheter and couldn't walk anymore. Another was brain damaged.

Just focus on making it through today.

[Midnite]

I already know that none of your abovementioned CAPITALISED methods are likely going to work. They didn't work for me when I wanted to commit suicide, and I won't propagate something I myself don't believe in 100%. There are very few ways to pull yourself out of your slump.

You need to find your burning passion as to why you still want to live here. I am not talking about a life purpose, I am talking about the simple justification as to why you have extended your cry for help on an online Personal Development Forum. There is obviously some part of you that already knows you are not totally lost. Stop complaining, sit back, and figure out the reason as to why you are still alive.

Justify your reason to live with every single day until you climb out of that grave you dug for yourself, and start a fresh page. Nobody else will dig you out for you, so stop trying to find external validation.

When I was in the lowest part of my depressive mood swings, I learnt to focus on one thing that would make my day better. I hated eating my home made sandwiches at work, and so for my first day I decide to make a resolution that I would buy lunch out on my lunch breaks and really enjoy myself while I had the free time. I then started looking forward to my lunch breaks. It's not important what I was looking forward to, what is important is that I was looking forward to something. Another day I was annoyed at my commutes to work on the train because those <3<3<3<3 box carriages would rattle me crazy by the time I got to work, and so I made a resolution to buy an Ipod and drown myself out in relaxing music every morning. My commutes became slightly more enjoyable.

Every single day I would point something out that would piss me off, make me depressed, or anger me, and I would set out to resolve the issue one annoyance at a time. This gradual process started eliminating all the smaller things that accumulated into justifications for my incredible rage I would later experience. This process actively got me trying to nail down exactly what was causing my suicidal tendencies. My answer wasn't 'One Thing', it was a collage of many things conflicting with my ideal lifestyle.

Internal conflicts are created when what we ideally think about in our mind, does not extend out into the physical world around us. The only way you are going to be able to dig yourself out is by changing what depresses you, angers you, or saddens you, until your lifestyle reflects something actually worth living for.

I found my burning passion months later, when I decided to take a little trip to just get away from it all for a while. These micro-vacations really energised my batteries and allowed me to assess my lifestyle with a clear mind, not one clouded in anger or depression. I realised that I am the one who caused everything to be the way it turned out. I was the one who accepted the job offer to work for a company 2 hours away. I am also the one who decided to save money by packing my own lunch. I am the one who ended up suffering with those consequences. In just the same way, I was the one who dug myself out of hell itself and decided to live another day. There is no third-party involved. This realisation caused me to want to be my own boss, and start embracing a long-held passion to just want to write about things I am interested in. I quit my job and started writing my own book about a topic that always enflames me into a childlike curiosity.

We are what we create.

I hope this helps you, as it helped me.

[sharshar89]

Originally Posted by Artelus

HELP.

I am simply out of coping techniques. I don't want to see a professional, or a crisis counselor, or call a hotline. I have tried all that.

I am out of ways to cope. I don't want to talk to people or vent anymore. Venting feels terrible because I am complaining to someone. I am tired of SEARCHING for a hobby. I am tired of SEARCHING for a life purpose. I am tired of VOLUNTEERING. I am tired of PLAYING VIDEO GAMES. I am tired of it all. I don't know what else to do. I cannot read one more SELF HELP BOOK. I cannot listen to one more SEMINAR. I can't tap or visualize or meditate or do any of that anymore.

I don't know what I want. I'm just dissatisfied. I'm tired of trying medication after medication and hoping it will work. I'm tired of looking to the future. I'm tired of FOCUSING ON THE PRESENT. I'm so tired of it all. I don't know what else to do.

Hi I have been at your stage before reading lots of self help book..calling crisis hotlines almost everyday and going half crazy and lingering around tall buildings but six months later I'm still alive and better than before..what I want to say is don't make depression your enemy..it grows stronger when you keep thinking of beating it..I had wanted to escape at first and I thought since I was going to do that why don't I just enjoy my last days..and tada it really helped me a lot..just live as though there's.no tommorrow and there won't be any fear anymore..do what you love to do eat what you want to eat

[Sbonn]

I would like to suggest something you can do right now and that is taking it one moment at a time... you can do that .. just one moment at a time.

Please be gentle with yourself.



BIG HUGS! ( I do mean those hugs too)

[ZephyrusX]

Ditto.

I'm sending you big hugs too.

Originally Posted by Criseyde

I'm sorry you're feeling this way (I know that sounds like a platitude, but I say this with all sincerity).

Originally Posted by Sbonn

BIG HUGS! ( I do mean those hugs too)

[rawxstasy]

This might be helpful

There's a strong pattern in me that doesn't want to live anymore. Can you please advise me? - YouTube

[cacheborn]

Hugs and positive vibes.

[DarkTears]

its a good thing I got back to normal, I was gonna post something I was really going to regret and probably be mean which I dont like.........Artelus, be careful....I get the feeling you might attract something unwanted also I dont have all the answers....not sure why I put the last part?

also I really dont think yours is very severe as u might think? unless theres more then thats diferent


sorry if im being mean, im not ususally like this but when ever I hear about suicidal things, I think it gets on my nerves.......I guess.......?

[ButterflyWoman]

Originally Posted by Artelus

I really am tired. I feel so much grief today. I am so sick of grieving. I am tired of my life.

I understand. I've been there. Please seek serious help. This can be temporary, and it can be overcome. Does your school have a counselling program at all? If so, please, call them, right NOW, and tell them how you're feeling. They'll be able to help. You should take their advice (which may include seeing your doctor). You're in a very serious state of mind. Please, reach out to people who can help you directly. You're drowning. Let them throw you a lifeline.

[Artelus]

Thanks guys. I feel somewhat better at the moment, as the thing that has been causing my grief has been lifted. I don't feel like killing myself at the moment anymore, but I still feel a lot of self conflict.

Midnite and James's posts are really helpful. The next time I feel depressed I'll motivate myself to change little things that piss me off and to keep in mind that the feeling is temporary. It won't be easy though.

[DANDUNGAN]

Artelus are you there?

[Midnite]

Originally Posted by Artelus

It won't be easy though.

It may not be easy, but what in life is easy? We've got to fight for what we want and what we believe in every single day, or risk just letting it all fall apart.

I'm glad you're feeling a whole lot better because you were gone for a few days back there, and I was all like 'Dear God!' ahaha

[scotthegeek]

I sorry that your still struggling ArtelusI started anti depressants 4 or 5 months ago and they are helping but last month I meet my new neighbor and they are on meds and disability and they are very nice to me and we spend a lot of time together and I feel safe and cared for and I'm make more friends through them and feeling my life is turning round but its still hard. I don't feel hopeless any more.

Scott

[cacheborn]

Originally Posted by Artelus

It won't be easy though.

No it won't be, as Midnite said. I know from personal experience that when you are deep down in the dumps, you have the same thoughts going through your head again and again. It becomes a vicious cycle.

One way that I break that cycle is to read/listen to motivating speeches, videos. I know, sounds really cliched but it works. If you look at what other people have accomplished, it blows your mind.

One of my personal favorite, is a quote by Winston Churchill. Keep in mind, the conditions under which he said that.

Never give in--never, never, never, never, in nothing great or small, large or petty, never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense. Never yield to force; never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy.
Sir Winston Churchill, Speech, 1941, Harrow School

Here is the audio.

Glad that you are feeling better now. ♥

[ZephyrusX]

Thanks for the comic link Artelus. I really do like your sense of humour

[neilpage]

Please don't kill yourself.... *wish* better days for you ahead.