Rape consequences

[Enrim]

I've posted here a number of times due to my many relationship problems with men. It seems that whenever I am single and there is no serious man in sight, I am absolutely fine, happy and productive.

But as soon as a man with serious intentions comes into my life, I completely lose my mind. Abandonment issues, commitment issues and depression slam me down into a bottomless pit.

Being at my wits' end as to why I keep pushing men away, I started reviewing my life - from my childhood to present day. And then I realized something that I've been avoiding for 5 years.

My ex-boyfriend raped me. It was the most intense pain I have ever felt in my entire life. I screamed, asking him to stop at the top of my lungs. Again and again. I have never screamed like that before and never since. It felt like a dull knife ripping my insides.

The only person I ever told about this is my mother (however I did not use the word "rape" since I was still partially in denial that it was, in fact, rape). Her response to me was that it happened to me because I was weak. So I pushed the memories back into the farthest corner of mind.

This was about 3 months ago.

Today I finally accepted and faced the fact that I was raped. Now I can start healing.