Rape consequences
 

I've posted here a number of times due to my many relationship problems with men. It seems that whenever I am single and there is no serious man in sight, I am absolutely fine, happy and productive.

But as soon as a man with serious intentions comes into my life, I completely lose my mind. Abandonment issues, commitment issues and depression slam me down into a bottomless pit.

Being at my wits' end as to why I keep pushing men away, I started reviewing my life - from my childhood to present day. And then I realized something that I've been avoiding for 5 years.

My ex-boyfriend raped me. It was the most intense pain I have ever felt in my entire life. I screamed, asking him to stop at the top of my lungs. Again and again. I have never screamed like that before and never since. It felt like a dull knife ripping my insides.

The only person I ever told about this is my mother (however I did not use the word "rape" since I was still partially in denial that it was, in fact, rape). Her response to me was that it happened to me because I was weak. So I pushed the memories back into the farthest corner of mind.

This was about 3 months ago.

Today I finally accepted and faced the fact that I was raped. Now I can start healing.

Hugs, if you will have them.

My advice on this topic is to not listen to anyone who lectures you on how rape victims react, or should react, or (for <3<3<3<3s sake!) on how rape victims bring it onto themselves. Whatever you are feeling, whatever you are doing, is exactly how you should feel, and is completely legitimate.
We all react in different ways, and we all heal in different, very intimate ways too. Some of us find it empowering to call ourselves survivors as a symbol of their strength, others are empowered by the recognition that it was indeed a crime, with a criminal and a victim. Some of us will sleep around, some of us won't, and some of us will choose either without it having to do anything with the rape.

You're not alone.

Thanks Aelle, yes, I'll take the hug. :)

Hugs, then :)

Hahahaha, who's responsible for this? This is awesome.

I'm a man, so will you accept shaking hands with me? :')

I wont and cant give any tips or advice, but I hope you'll heal soon.

It's true, you are not alone. I can completely empathize with you. I too have started the process of healing.

Can you find some rape counseling where you live?

Go to the police maybe? This person broke the law, and although I am not sure that he will be punished, it may help someone else avoid the same thing.

However, I would suggest first talking to a counselor or therapist. There is no reason why you have to go through this alone.

I would advise against going to the police. The police is very "school of the hard knocks" because they're used to seeing little girls butchered and stuff. So they won't be gentle and will ask for graphic details without any emotion. They also might not believe you, as rape cases are very hard to prove. They will likely ask why you waited so long to report it, and start making up ulterior motives, which may feel like a second assault.

Work through the rape with a therapist and don't get in a relationship until you're truly ready. Some people aren't meant to be married.

Usually they can only do something if there is a rape kit taken, with hard evidence, and that is required in the first 24 hours after the incident. It sounds like this happened more than 5 years ago, so besides just reporting and giving his name to the police so they can make a file with his name on it, there's not much they can do in the way of charging him at this stage.

It would still be a good idea for this person to report him so his name is in the computer. If he does it again to another women they will be able to have some history of his behavior.

I would contest this, though it would depend on the station and area I'd imagine.

In Australia they have spent lots of money training police to be sensitive and really understand the underlying issues and the effect it has on women emotionally and psychologically, so in my experience, what you say here is wrong.

That doesn't mean in the states it would be the same. In Australia though the police are well trained to be sensitive to the woman and believe her.

i am so sorry that this happened to you. I hope you can now heal and fnd the help and support you deserve.

I believe that we are all individuals and will grieve and heal in our own way, in our own time. So allow yourself as much time as you need and allow yourself to do what feels natural to you.

If you feel up to this, I hope you will consider reporting the incident, as this information may help someone in the future.

All the best.

I realize we each heal in our own ways, as mentioned.
For me, my husband has really helped.
Yet, still, to this day, I don't like being pushed or touched in certain ways.

I'm glad you're starting to heal. I also think it's easy to blame everything on one thing. We must realize there are many factors. IE... how your mom responded seems like she has a tendency to misdirect blame. (I can relate.) Consider how that's affected you - shame? It's not about blame. It's about understanding & then healing. Realize, that this guy who raped you, may have been raped himself, or for some reason, the events & associated feelings & thoughts in his life led up to him hurting you. I'm not justifying what he did at all... it just helps me to forgive (which is a gift to oneself... "given" to go "for"ward), if I understand a little why somebody would hurt me.

Why do you think you're so afraid of being abandoned, & afraid to commit?
What do you hope from a relationship? Have you had a healthy relationship - even with family or a friend?

well I was sexually traumatized when I was about nine. I blocked it out until I was about 21 and then I've spent the last 8 years learning about it and healing myself from it and I've learned a few things.
1. your body will always remember what happened to you. In one form or another you never actually forget anything that has happened to you, especially something intensely physical like that.

2. the intensity of that can be redirected with practice patience and dedication. basically you need to be with someone really understanding or simply bounce around from lover to lover re-learning how to enjoy pleasure. its more difficult than it seems and there are a lot of emotions that you have to go through to teach your body that its ok to feel pleasure even though it brings back that darkness and anger along with it. this is probably the hardest thing to deal with and takes the most time because you have to let yourself have very intense sexual experiences while at the same time let your emotions come along with it without thoroughly hating yourself or your lover. it is possible though and its something that should be greatly taken into account with every person you have sex with, also masturbation is a good way to get around it, sexual meditations and guided arousal under hypnosis is another way to go but ive personally never done it.

3. forgiveness is for you, not the other person. theyre going to go on living without a care in the world whether or not you forgive them. its for you, let yourself forgive the person, the situation, the anger you hold onto, the consequences, the shame, the guilt, the denial. understand that your a different person now and that in a way who you were is dead now, and that's ok. it really is ok. your still alive and your heart beats and you can find things to smile about and you can make your life and your world beautiful.

4. relationships are always difficult. being alone is difficult. but when your alone you say your peaceful productive and happy? well when your in a relationship and it gets to the point of being "serious" you end up panicking and sabotaging the situation. a lot of times what people dont understand about us who have been traumatized is that its a lot easier for us now to be happier being single. and its something very difficult for us ourselves to understand. we are social creatures after all and sex is good and being in a relationship seems to be a cultural and social necessity. your looked at as some kind of weirdo if you dont have a boyfriend or a girlfriend. well what i did is i learned how to be single, kind of like an alcoholic that cant go back to social drinking, you learn to be single you learn to do the things that make you truly fulfilled and passionate and glad to be alive. like painting or playing the piano, something you can totally devote yourself to for a time being that just touches your soul. do this and learn yourself learn to love to be alone. and then when you feel yourself slipping into that self sabotage situation, if you even think its beginning to start. take a step back, throw yourself into what you love to do for yourself, give yourself time to miss someone and put them way way way in the back of your mind. its easier for a woman because many times guys dont know what the hell their thinking anyways and if you say hey dude i need to take some time off alright, I gotta be alone for a few days, week or two. dont over explain yourself, EVERYONE NEEDS TIME ALONE!
just get to the point where you can take a good look and understand that no one is ever going to fully understand you, and you are never going to fully understand anyone. every human mind and heart and soul is a world unto themselves and you may have a strong physical, emotional, even psychic bond with someone but in the end you can only be what you COMMUNICATE to that person. its the difference between being awake and being in a coma.

and most older women see women who are raped as being weak. its just an older world sense of thinking about the dynamics of man and woman. the important thing is that you told your mom about it.

personally i dont have anything to say about whether or not to prosecute this guy im not a woman and dont know what it is but i know in my situation i confronted my abusers, and there was more than one, and i told them i forgive them. and thats it let life do with them what it will. some people are just truly dead inside and you cant let yourself be that way.

5. future relationships. for me I dont ever have sex with a girl i like until ive known them for a good three months. if i dont really like a girl or i know its not going anywhere then it just becomes like a friends with benefits situation that usually doesnt last long because i dont want it to. but if i really do appreciate and want to be in a serious relationship with a girl i make them wait because its important for them to understand that i have a different viewpoint about sex than most guys do, i respect myself and the emotions that go along with being in a relationship and since i like them i like for them to understand i see a difference between making love and making love last. its alot easier to keep someone than it is to find someone.

i hope this helps in some small way. i actually started a website that discusses personal sexual development its smartsexhealth.com

Wow, I didn't come back to this forum for a while and had no idea I got so many responses. Thanks everyone.

Thanks for your support. I am actually seriously considering going to the police and reporting him. I don't want him to be punished, I don't care about that. But if another woman gets hurt like I did, and she decides to report this, they will know that he has a history... Maybe then it'll prevent him from doing it again.

I already have a session scheduled with a therapist next week. I realize I really do need it. I feel like intimate relationships with men are a threat to my well being right now... and that's not really how I'd want to continue living.

I am also seriously considering staying completely away from relationships for a year... Honestly, it feels like a relief.

Thanks for your response. It is very insightful. It is definitely not just this one thing that is causing me to behave the way I do. My mother left when I was 9. Then I moved here, to the US when I was 17, alone. I had no friends, no family, no emotional support whatsoever for 4 years. Then I moved to New York and things started looking up. I found friends, my relationship with my mother improved drastically (although, she obviously sometimes still thinks pretty low of me... but that rarely happens. Normally she is very supportive). But these are all the things I've been aware of.

The rape was always at the back of my mind, but I never admitted it, or dealt with it. Honestly, at the moment, I don't even know how to start dealing with it... but I am getting help, so hopefully I'll figure it out.

To answer your questions:
Why do you think you're so afraid of being abandoned, & afraid to commit?
Because that's just what people seem to do... and it hurts tremendously. I know this isn't all that in-depth, but this is the best I can give you at the moment. I am afraid to commit for the same reason... well, actually, it's just that whenever I have intense feelings for someone, it becomes increasingly painful to trust them. And then, in the end, usually, pain is all that's left and they leave me.

What do you hope from a relationship? I hope to find a supportive, understanding relationship. I am realizing that I have a LOT of baggage and that's not just going to go away. I know plenty of people who are in loving, beautiful relationships who have far more severe issues than I do.

Have you had a healthy relationship - even with family or a friend? Yes. I have a very close relationship with my stepfather, even my mom. I have a best friend and who absolutely loves me. I have another close friend who is there for me whenever I need a shoulder to cry on. And I also have a string of "social" friends, who I know I cant really rely on if something goes down, but I know I can have fun with.

I did this after my experience, and it was just what I needed. It felt like a total relief to me as well. Take as much time as you need. It's been years for me, and that's ok.